Regression for transgression

I became a teenage dirtbag at 24, when I was no longer a teenager.

I fell in love for the first time, when I was 19. He was perfect, despite what many of you think. I lost my mother, but he and I still got married. I didn't understand how depression really affected a life. I also didn't really get how much help I truly needed, and I fought it. So, headfirst into the odds, I threw everything I had - my completely perfect life, yet muddled mind - into the woodchipper and lost everything. It was my fault - I'll never deny it. I'll also never forgive myself. I've tried, but I've always failed.

I fell in love again - this time, with a self-proclaimed and active atheist. I denied it for a long time. Once I stopped my rebuffing, though, I still couldn't iron out the dilemmas and incontrovertible complications that I would continue to have with this sole issue for the rest of my life. I managed to run him off, too.

I don't want to fall in love again. That's far too many people to "have loved" in your life. That's too many people to look back on. That's too many memories to have to sort through later on. Far too many pictures, too much evidence to have to burn to get on with your life.

I completely understand why people just marry Mr. Whoever/Ms. Right Now when they get older. I'd love nothing more than to find my "soulmate" - but I really don't anticipate that ever happening.

I don't know about the rest of the universe, but that makes me feel incredibly empty.

I'm turning 30 in a few days. In case you CAN'T tell, I've pretty much thrown up all road blocks and closed all avenues for a real relationship anymore. I don't foresee finding anyone as good as I've had in the past. I'm not trying to be the harbinger of doom or emo or whatnot - just realistic; grownup; whatever that means.

Sure, I know people who are older than me, who have found exactly what they've been searching for, later on in their lives. I don't see that being me. The kind of person I would discern for myself is already married/taken/dead.

I remember writing an essay in grade school, posing the question, "What will you be doing in the year 2000?" I clearly remember writing that I would be a kindergarten teacher, married, with 3 kids.

You never once look at yourself, while growing up, and think, "I'm gonna be a complete and total loser when I grow up. I plan on estranging as many people as come into my force field."

Those colors in the Crayola box tend to run together, year after oppressive year.

Just so you know, I went out with a couple of people in the past month, - "dates," if you will - and I think I'd rather go to work naked for an entire month, at the hospital where I work, and eat live roaches for 3 square meals a day, than ever date again. I think I hate dating, and I'm pretty sure that will never change.

Heather used the word "pedestrian" to describe someone once, and I made fun of her for being so cruel with her highbrow analogy.

Coincidentally, I now consider "pedestrian" such a kind, good-hearted word.

I'll be damned if I actually hoped this one guy would manage to fall into the toilet and drown in a foot of water, for being so stupid. I found myself wondering, "how can you possibly exist, if you're this much of a selfish, self-centered, narrow-minded, brutish, angry, prejudiced prick of a mother-fucking redneck? Can't they revoke your air-breathing privileges after a while?" I swear, if this asslicker used the N-word one more time, I think I would have physically projectile-vomited into his face...on purpose. I try not to get all up in peoples' faces, screeching and psychotic, about their aversions, prejudices, beliefs and stuff on the first date, or if they slip-up and say something retarded.

I do that sometimes - say dumb things.

But, I'm pretty sure this guy's, either mom and dad, or grandmother and grandfather MUST have been brother and sister.

&=( Where do they come from? &=(

If I knew, I wish they'd stop storing nuclear waste there. Or put high-sensitivity land mines around, so they can't get out.

And, the fact that they're, for some reason, attracted to me like flies to the landfill, does NOTHING for an already non-existent ego.


Life is SOOOO much easier to bear, when you have someone to help push it all away at the end of the day. It's too bad we're all so weird and picky about with whom we get yoked. I'll be damned, though, if I'm getting courted by scum of the earth. I don't like to think that I'm better than anybody, but most people just make my stomach hurt...in a bad way. As a matter of fact, I think I'm going to go throw up now.

You know, if I ever find that essay, I plan to eat the entire thing, page by page.

Are you sure they know you're loose?

Originally posted: 8.9.07

If I could choose to have any ability in the world, I'm pretty sure I would want to be an artist. After that, I'd like to be creative. You can be able to draw and still have no inspiration.

If I could have a superpower, I think I'd choose healing. Or maybe the ability to give others peaceful, seamless, transitional deaths.

I read on thesmokinggun.com about this guy in Minnesota who beheaded a girl's dog with a chainsaw, then sent her the head in a box. It's stuff like this that makes me fairly homocidal. And, yes, you can submit THIS entry to the cops, once I kill someone for hurting another living creature. Not that I'd deny it. I'm just saying...people wonder why I get so miffed about animal abuse (along with the abuse of others). Well, if you just think about it from the dog's perspective, I'm pretty sure you could see where I'm coming from. I don't know if, when something that traumatic and painful happens, a body just shuts down, so you really wouldn't feel any pain. Or are you awake long enough to feel the most excruciating part, until it just becomes so intense, you just pass out?

I remember watching a guy mow over a cat that was in the middle of the road, in his big-ass truck. I ran after the truck, screaming obscenities and throwing rocks, but he kept driving - OF COURSE. If I was that much of a pussy, I wouldn't have stopped either. But, if I would have made it to him, I'm pretty sure I would have beat him until I killed him.

And of course, those jackasses who locked that cat in a cage, poured gasoline over him and lit him on fire...oh, and videotaped the whole thing.

It's so overwhelming sometimes to see how cruel the world can be (really is?).

People like to ignore these things, pretend they don't exist. But they're out there - sick, demented, twisted. And, we let them get away with far too much. Yes, I believe they'll get theirs in the end. But while they're here, I think they should suffer as well. No, it's not for me to judge. But I can't sit by and WATCH these things happen. It's too hard for me, to let the innocent and the quiet suffer.

I don't believe in walking around and beating people up, just for giving me dirty looks. That's retarded. There are those kinds of people who live life looking for a fight - "What are you looking at??? Yeah, that's what I thought!" Jesus - I'm just squinting at the sun - let's bring it down a notch, ok? Of course, these are the soulless bastards who will live the longest on this earth, trashing it, treating it and everyone on it like shit. They also, on average, make the most kids and have the lowest IQ.

I also don't believe in reprieve for others, unless they really mean it. I don't mean scare tactics. I mean, because you're genuinely and legitimately sorry, you will be forgiven. I've done things wrong, and I've made the same mistakes more than once. But because I've admitted to those mistakes, am truly sorry for what they were, and made conscious efforts to not repeat them, I believe that I'm forgiven. As to whether or not I really am remains to be proven.

What about wrongful justification? What if someone does something, and she has it totally worked out in her mind to where all the signs point to "Hey, it's all cool!"? That used to be my biggest problem - MAKING things be ok. "I'm this way, because of this," or "I did this because of this other thing." I've never had a problem admitting to being wrong and apologizing for it. But I did used to try to bend the rules in my favor. Isn't that strange, being able to subsequently point out that kind of crap? It sucks. It sucks, looking back over your life, being able to point out everything you've done wrong, saying, "Crap! What was I thinking??!? Was anyone driving the bus at that point, or was my conscience taking a dump in the bathroom???"

That's why I always try to talk to the kids about dumb things they do or MIGHT do. I mean, that's why any one person tries to head another person off from doing something stupid. We've all learned something from our mistakes in some way or another, and we try to warn others before they make the same stupid mistake. No, we don't always listen. Sometimes you just have to learn for yourself. And, that sucks.

Don't ask me how I got on this topic, sprouting the different legs, that don't make any sense. My brain is a mystery (conundrum? weapon of mass destruction?). It's just been a long time since I've gotten to post (or ever will again, probably). My internet is still down at home, and I work on it every day. Like I said before, I keep typing stuff up in my email, then posting whenever I'm around a non-retarded computer, which is not often.

It's been a fairly quiet week, but this weekend is going to be a disaster, somehow. I don't know how, but I can feel it...coming in the air tonight...oh, no. I'm not going to get to work Saturday night, because the Family Values concert is that day. Then, Heather has invited me to go with them to Six Flags on Sunday. THEN, I have court on Tuesday for my expired court tag - hopefully, they'll throw the ticket out, but I'm sure I'll still have to pay court costs. Somehow, I'm sure it's going to work out to be much cheaper to have paid the ticket in the first place. Or I'll get another ticket on the way to court. Or they'll try to arrest me on some unrelated charge, like posting the word "homocidal" or calling myself a "weapon of mass destruction." If this is a free country, I don't know how well I'd do in a subservient one. I guess we'll see, eventually, huh?

Well, I hope so. I hope that my altruism will win out over my need to save others from being wronged. Otherwise, I'm liable to spend the rest of my life in some scary, gross Thai prison like Claire Danes in Brokedown Palace. I'm already weird about sleeping in other peoples' beds. I'm still hell-bent determined to do something good, though, even if it makes one person's life better for 15 minutes.

That doesn't even make any sense does it?

Oh well. That's what I get for having that random mind. It just floats from subject to subject, with no warning, really.

It's nice to talk about things no one else really gets. It makes you that much less approachable. I like to keep the world at arm's length.

But not always...



Current mood: hungry

yes, much to your dismay, i'm still alive.

STILL working like the slave-bitch.

still bending to the will of "the man".

i'm visiting with my fam this weekend, so hopefully i can post a tiny something. but you guys know me - it will be anything but tiny. LOTS going on. LITTLE that's anything but neutral.

will update sooners...&=D

Currently listening : When It Falls
By Zero 7
Release date: 02 March, 2004

not dead

Originally posted: 8.5.07

No, I'm not dead. But almost. I'm sorry I've been in contact with NO ONE. Going to get 'puter from Heather's tomorrow and set it up at home. Been going non-stop.
Will update, eventually... ?????