From the frying pan to another frying pan

Haha, I had actually just started this blog off by saying that I was feeling a little better, but that rug was just jerked out from under me!

I had an apartment picked out and was ready to sign, so I called about it today, but the lady told me it was taken!

That had taken so much unnecessary stress off of me, but now, it's been heaped right back up on my shoulders.


Anyway, I talked to that same girl with Apartment Locators and have her back on the hunt. I also talked to this guy at Select My Space, and he said to call back on Aug 1, because they'll have tons of notices coming in for Sept 1, since that's when I plan to be out.

Also, there's the world's most adorable house that's rent-to-own, which is ideally the most awesome of all the plans. It even says they deal with crappy credit.


I know this will all work out, but it's the constant anxiety and the potential heart attacks looming over me that get me right now. And, it's inevitable with me. Unless I'm supposed to stay doped up on klonopin, and that can't happen.

Physical therapist Joe says "relaxed tall." Dr Handley says "breathe."



I'm trying not to cry, and I'm trying not to scream.

So far, holding both in are doing me no good.

Meeting with Dave after work to get help.

Wish me luck.


A very resistant request for HELP...

I don't ask for this a lot, but I need some thought and prayer...for myself. No matter how much others will always protest that it's okay for me to ask for help, so will I. I don't believe I'm in the position to ever be deserving of the help and assistance that others give me. I never will be, because there are so many others in need right now.

What I'm saying is, my life feels as though it's kind of spiraling out of control, and as you know, I don't like not having control over my life. I guess I'm not supposed to - that's for God. But, I don't even want God to have to have His hands in a mess such as this. It's not that I don't trust Him, and I know I don't talk to Him as much as I should, but I never ask for help on my behalf.

Right now, I need help. My mind feels like a blender and my life like a toilet. It's not even fair for me to say that. But, it's what I'm thinking and feeling.

I have a job...doesn't matter, though, because I hate it. Actually, LOATHE would be a more appropriate word.
I have my health...although my ills always seem to overwhelm whatever's still okay.
I have my family...but I don't see them as much as I should.

I have a lot, but everything's so askew right now (and I'm having such an incredibly sucky day so far), that I can't focus. I don't even know what I'm supposed to be focusing on. God - I should be focusing on Him. But, I can't even see how that will help.

I understand that we're supposed to come to Him when we need help, but God's not going to DO things for us. We still have to make the effort. I've seen people sit back and USE "the will of God" to get things they wanted or needed, and it infuriates me. Sure, there's a bit of jealousy when other people catch a break. But, when they use God as an excuse to be lazy and not take responsibility for themselves and their actions, that drives me to the absolute polar opposite extreme.

I'd rather NEVER accept help from anyone, ever again, and continue this horrific struggle, than to ever be labelled or thought of as a greedy, careless, indifferent, Christian zealot who believes that God will just provide everything on a silver platter. Just because you pray, doesn't mean you don't have to work for things.

Like I said, I know I'm overexaggerating, but you also don't have to be reading.

It's just that, by the time today had turned into "Super-Shitty Day," it wasn't even 9am. I'd rather just clock the fuck out, go home, pack my shit and move somewhere and do something else that would make me happy, as opposed to making money and making ends meet.

Fuck the ends. I'd just like for the days to be okay.

As much as I'm raging (inside) right now, I'm not angry with God - I'm angry at myself for getting into this situation, this situation that I created, which has only worsened over the years. After all these years, no matter what anyone else says, I should have my shit together. I WANT to have it together. No, I don't want to have the typical married/settled down/soccer mom life (purely preferential), but I would like to have another half who can help me. And, no, I don't plan on settling with just anyone - hence, why I'm still single. This sounds incredibly self-righteous, but I've had "opportunities" in the past. And, they may have even been sound, solid decisions, possibly even good "investments" (although just the thought of anyone having that kind idea makes me want to vomit). But, I refuse to do anything anymore without me being 100% behind it. If I'm not in love, then it won't happen. I'm not going to "end up" with someone just as my fall-back guy or financeer. I want to be in hardcore, mad love, before I ever let anything happen that will influence my life in that direction. I might not even be so diligent about it, if I didn't know that kind of love wasn't possible.

You know, my days probably wouldn't be such a struggle, if I didn't have such a mental and emotional bond with everything in my life. If I didn't CARE about anything - even if I didn't WANT to care about anything - my life wouldn't be such a fucking fight. But, the fact that I'd like to not stumble and stagger my way through life like a zombie makes a good bit of difference on how I view things.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so emotional about things. Maybe that WOULD be better.

Shit, this post is making less and less sense, the more I type. The more that comes out, the crazier it sounds. (And, yes, I know those of you who would agree.)

I'm sorry.

I'm not looking for physical help - if you guys could just keep me in your thoughts from time to time, that would be awesome. I'd really appreciate it.

Right now, all I want to do is stand in the middle of the hallway and scream like a crazy person. Who knows - maybe that's exactly what I need right now. Maybe it's what would help everyone else.

Here, let me see how well it works out - be right back.


I know, I know

Time for an update, although I've been incredibly busy - believe it or not, I've been busy making friends, being social and TRYING to stay out of the drama-light, although I've been a tad unsuccessful at that. (Anyway, that is the SERIOUS understatement of the universe.)

My friend Scott is down for a visit (leaving tomorrow), and we're about to go meet Cory for mine and Cory's regular Sunday night throw-down of the Sucky Pool Game of the Week.

And, that bitch is getting on my nerves, again. After so long for ignoring it, it's back, and I'm trying to keep it in check. I'm externally being a grown-up, but internally, I'm pitching a fit and kicking her ass. I shouldn't BE this way, but I also don't think I have these emotions for no reason. And, it really fucking gets on my nerves.

SHE gets on my nerves.



Prayer / thought list for 7.19.09

Sorry, I know I need to play catch-up on my own life, but more important things are priority.

Prayers & thoughts:
  • My wonderful, darling grandmother - her 86th birthday is July 29. I want her to be around until she's 150!!!!! I LOVE YOU, GRAMMY!!!!
  • My Mommy, although no longer with me, but always a constant in my heart, would have celebrated her 60th birthday on Saturday, July 18th. I love you, Mama. I miss you so much............
  • Dave and his family - his brother Greg passed away Friday, July 17. Family is coping, but this was very unexpected. Dave already lost his other brother a couple of years ago. Plus, he's had a lot on his shoulders for the past several months. He just needs a good support system, as well as God to keep his strength up. There's nothing I can offer you that would be comforting, Dave, except I love you.
  • Mig's and my friend Kristin lost her grandmother this weekend. We love you, sweet girl, and if you need anything from either of us, let us know. Kristin's also having some extraneous stress in her life. I'm praying for the best outcome for you and your family, babe. Although you're in the very new, early part of this journey, and you've got a lot of work ahead of you, everything will work out. We love you, Kristin!
  • Debbie Robinson, very close and wonderful friend of the family - constant prayers go out to her and her mother and father who are in delicate health.
  • My friend, Holly - continued prayers for an easy and healthy pregnancy!
  • One of my very good, very old friends, Larry Davis got married on Saturday, to his long-time sweetheart, Stephanie Machen. It was a beautiful, intimate wedding, and I wish them the absolute best. Remember - being best friends plays a huge part in a successful marriage. I love you, Larry! And, I miss the Davis family - it was SO WONDERFUL to see you all, after all these years!
  • My aunt Amy's oldest daughter, sweet Erica has been experiencing some breathing issues, teaching at soccer camp this weekend, so they're going to have her evaluated. I love you, beautiful girl, and everything is going to be OKAY!!!!
  • Also, Amy has recently discovered some issues with her thyroid, so she has imminent testing in her very near future - I'm saying my prayers for you, that this is all going to be benign, no matter what it turns out to be! (And, yes, I'm praying for no surgery!)
  • My uncle Gordon hasn't been feeling well, but from what I've read he's feeling a good bit better - hey, at least these sick spells aren't as frequent as once before, right? Still, I'm sorry you've been feeling yucky! &=(
  • My cousin Kate and her family are waiting to see if they're going to be approved for a house (in the neighborhood in which I grew up - couldn't have picked a better place, although I haven't been able to revisit, since I moved out eight years ago). Kate, I'm sending super-good prayers and vibes your way - you guys need this, and with God's will, it will go through!
  • A friend from some years ago, Jennifer, needs thoughts and prayers for her aunt's medical problems - I just learned this from Facebook this evening.
  • My Anna-belle has upcoming medical evaluations coming soon, and I'm really praying for good results from all of this!!!! I love you, beautiful girl! (Plus, she's been having some problems with drama - that stuff is useless, girl. We both know that - too bad everyone else doesn't share our same points of view! *frown*)
  • Constant prayers and good thoughts for my friend Terry Smith - post-surgically, she's made leaps and bounds, and continues to be a strong inspiration for me, as well as others. I wish you the absolute best, Terry! Cancer sucks!!!! Here's hoping this is IT! NO MORE! &=)
  • My Migs just found out about her little brother's up and coming nuptuals; they also have a baby on the way - best wishes to them, both!
  • Also, Migs niece Ashley and her husband need special thought - they've been having lots of stress in their lives and need a break. I love you, Ash! You're always on my mind!
  • Sweet Tabatha made it home to her family, from visiting other family in Huntsville - I'm glad you're home safe, sweetheart!
  • My friend, Alan starts a new job tomorrow - good luck, honey!
  • And, my friend Scott seems to be having a little more luck on the prospective job front...yet, he still gets to come visit with me next weekend! YAY!
  • My friend, Cory is still having a really hard time finding a job. He's really been working the pavement and always ends up with a bunch of "maybes," but there's been nothing definite, yet. &=( I'm really, really sorry, Cory. Something will come through eventually...
  • Phil texted me and says he's doing well in school, which I have never doubted.
  • My coworker and friend Mark had knee surgery and is now home, recovering. I hope everything went well, babe, and we can't wait to have you back at work!!! (Although, I know you'll be EXTREMELY THANKFUL for the time off!)
  • I hear from Heather Haynes' FB that the Cropwell Baptist Mission Team is on mission in Cleveland, TN. Praying God keeps you safe and works through you all for the best outcome!
  • Uh, oh! It's almost time for kids to go back to school! I wish everyone's chillins the best in their endeavors - NO TOLERANCE FOR TEASING! Make good grades, you guys!
  • Oh yeah, and me and Jack need some positive juju - we're still having a REALLY, REALLY hard time with this potty-training issue. I'm so frustrated - not with him, more with me. Frowny mom. &=(
  • Lastly, I thank God for such incredible friends (and family!) and the fact we've been able to reconnect and stay better connected with so many old friends through the "magic" of the internet. Fellowship, even through somewhat impersonal channels as FB and MS, will always be necessary. At least we're able to know who needs us, even though sometimes all we can provide are thoughts and prayers from a distance.

As always, if I'm leaving someone out, PLEASE let me know - even if we don't know each other! I enjoy being able to put my thoughts to work, doing something constructive, rather than getting hung up in my own head. I don't care who you are, if you need thoughts and/or prayers, LET ME KNOW! I always have room for more!!!!!!!

I love you guys and adore you all! You all inspire me every, single day! You're ALL wonderful and deserve peace in your lives!

Mahalo and maluhia! (Thank you and peace!)

ps. Thanks for NO ONE telling me I had misspelled "mahalo" - "Malaho?" Really? ARG! Where did I graduate from - Pell City??!?!


You don't HAVE to be alone

We all need basic necessities.

We all need a chance.

We all need love.

We all need compassion.

We all need someone.

Even the very tiniest of us.

This is a very strong conviction I have about adopting animals.

Guest comic from Wapsi Square


Otakon 2009

If anyone loves me, you'll get me up to Baltimore tomorrow, to go to Otakon 2009, July 17-19.


I've always liked webcomics, but for the past couple of years, I've really gotten into anime and manga, through most of the online comics I read and cartoons I watch (ie. Shin Chan). Several of my favorite comic artists are going to be there (autographs!), so that would beyond rule.

Turns out, Otakon is the longest-running anime convention here in the United States, this being it's 15th year.

Obviously, I also love the other comics, so if Baltimore is out of the question, San Diego Comic-Con International is coming July 23-26. That's fine, too. I mean, I'm open to ANYTHING where there's cosplay, comics, cartoons, etc. Personally, I think we should have cosplay days at work at LEAST once a month.

If you'll just let me know how many weeks I'll need to take off for vacation and at what spa/resort I'll be staying, so I can let everyone know, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks so much! &=)


I miss Harry

Okay, so today, nothing has blown up, been flushed, fallen apart, attacked me...but it IS only 3p. What I'm saying is it's been a good day...so far.

Me, Heather, Lee, Larry, and his fiance are going to see Harry Potter tonight, so I'm excited about that. I've fallen so out of favor with HP over the years - my excitement has waned with the ending of the series. But, one of my coworkers, Amanda, and I were talking about the books, and I got all excited again. &=)

I can't wait until I get a new place (and get someone to teach me to build some bookshelves), and I'm going to pull out the whole series and read it, cover-to-cover, from beginning to end, all over again.

Okay, well, I can't wait till I get a new place, period.

Plus, I've met and made (and possibly alienated?) some new friends over the past month or so...all that will have to be addressed in later blogs.

I'm just excited to get back in touch with my inner Slytherin tonight. &=) I miss Harry and all the rest of our...I mean, his friends. *blush*

Harry Potter will always have a special place in my heart. He brought Heather and I together in a most unusual way - but that's a story for another time. &=D


SWF ISO peace

I have a lot of catching up to do. But let me just sum up the events of last night (minus the pooping in the bushes), with this comic from Wapsi Square:


Passing Storm


I'm staying home forever.

At least I'll stay out of trouble that way.


Hope for You

Remember, you're not the only one with problems:
(that's my mantra to keep myself out of my head)

  • My grandmother, as always
  • My uncle Gordon, as always
  • My family - so we can rally together and make things better for each other
  • Um, and just my family in general, because I love them so very much
  • David's daughter, Staci, and his brother
  • Anna.B and her ongoing fight with her innards - girl, we'll get this figured out
  • Thanks for the Jimmerson's safe return from their summer trip
  • Marti's sister Terry - surgery went well, now comes chemo
  • Anpan Jack - he's doing better, but I pray every day that I can live up to his expectations of me and do what God wants me to do with him
  • Phil's schooling
  • Roy and his family
  • Holly's pregnancy - everything to go well and for the baby to spontaneously turn into a girl en utero!!!! Hahaha, just kidding! That was for poor, sweet Lucy! Just praying for an excellent pregnancy all around!
  • Laura's headache! GO AWAY! &=)
  • Joseph's work
  • Wes & Brooke's, um, "situation" and that I can stay out of it
  • My friend Tabatha and her family are visiting Alabama, so keep them safe, during their visit and on the trip home
  • My family's safe upcoming vacation
  • Cory's job hunt
  • Scott's job hunt
  • Erica's upcoming work with UAB soccer camp (GO, girl! Make that money!)
  • Shelby's precious heart
  • My aunt's and cousins' children, because they're all so precious and wonderful, but have very full, decisive lives ahead of them.
  • Dwane's constant dilemmas (I feel your pain, sweetheart)
  • Larry's upcoming nuptuals
  • Dina's situation
  • Layne's husband, John's condition
  • Sean's current complicated situation - I really hope things work out
  • My situations - living, monetary, health, as well as mental - just trying to get things together and move, so I can get out of this oppressive place; want to pay off debt; need to get some things fixed within my physical self; and want to KEEP IT TOGETHER!

Again, if I'm leaving anyone out, let me know. I'm always happy to make these lists of people I need to keep in my thoughts, because I feel horrible leaving people out. I plan to lift each of these people up in prayer (no offense to my non-believer buddies), so that we can whisper in the ear of God our problems and our needs. That's what He's here for - to counsel. As well as Gaia, who can wrap her leafy arms around us in the presence of nature and, once again, make us a beautiful part of the earth, which is how it should be. Being in the presence of Gaia and God help me relax and let go of so much, lay so much down that has been forgiven and should have been forgotten long ago.

Unfortunately, Gaia makes me sweat a lot this time of year. *peeyew*

Love you, guys.


Prospector Jen

I have a prospective roomie in my sites. His name is Mark, and he's one of the couch-surfers I've met recently. Him being a dude doesn't bother me in the least. He has a girlfriend, which also doesn't bother me. The only thing is, I'm a little nervous about living with a complete stranger...okay, a LOT nervous. But, no one I know needs a roommate. Plus, since I have two cats and a dog, I'm the kind of person who would be really hard to pair with someone. Still, I have my reservations.

First off, I'm not really comfortable with other people around my animals. I know how people are and can be (cruel is the word I'm looking for), especially when you're not around. And, I'm not crazy about complete strangers. I know how people can have sticky hands around things that don't belong to them.

Second, this guy likes parties and people - I don't. When I told him I was a homebody and for the most part of every week, I hang out at home, I don't think he realized how serious I was. I consider myself a really quiet, low-key person, especially at home. I went and hung out with him and some of his friends on Saturday night, just to get a feel for things, and it was okay.

Third, he's on unemployment. He's actively looking for a job, but he's also going back to school for psychiatric studies. I just don't want to end up in the, "Hey, can you cover rent this time around, and I'll pay you back?" No. No, I can't. If we make an agreement like this, I fully and completely expect him to keep up his end of the bargain.

Fourth, when I enter into an agreement like that, I get nervous. What if he just up and moves? I can't afford to be moving all over creation, just because someone bails on me. Ugh, that makes my stomach hurt, just thinking about it. I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but that's when I usually end up getting super-screwed, is when I'm nice and trusting of others.

Anyway, he's actually been looking for a place for us, and he's found one over in Avondale, down the road from Bottletree - something like $550 for 2BR, which is REALLY good. I'll have to look it over, though, because in that area, for that amount of money, is a lot suspicious. I want my apartment to be safe, and I actually want to be able to have friends over. But, we're both in agreement about staying in Southside. I really want to stay close to work, although Avondale is a bit farther than I'd like to drive. Oh, well - it's a small sacrifice I can afford to make.

I wish Cory and I could room together, but he still hasn't found a job, plus he and Kerry are planning to get a place once he gets down here. &=(

So, if anyone knows of a good, quiet, clean, animal-friendly person who might need a roomie, please let me know. Like I said, I'm not super-excited about doing this, but money is bad, and this looks like the only way I'm going to be able to get a leg up on things. I hate to be pessimistic, but I can totally foresee this not working out.

But, I have to do something...and soon.


Happy Independence Day

Jack and I just went and saw fireworks on the top of the Highlands parking deck (yes, I have sweaty armpit in the photo, & yes, I know how utterly disgusting that is). He did pretty good, but we were absolutely swarmed with people and kids. I never realized how freaking annoying everyone ELSE is, when you have a dog. People (mainly the kids) would just come up and get all over him. Of course, he was about to have a come-apart, since there was so much action. He was so excited, that I could barely restrain him. HE did good - it was everyone ELSE that caused the problems.

Plus, I kept hoping that when I said the word "pitbull," people would scatter like roaches. No such luck. &=P One guy even lamented, "Oh, raise him right!" Look at that baby face - the only fighting this sweetheart will ever do is against...well, I can't even think of anything. I would say fleas, but we don't have fleas.

I can't tell Ralph about this, either, or he'll totally kill me dead. We're not even supposed to be around other people, yet. I can completely see why, though. &=\

The longer I have Jack, the more I learn SO MUCH about dogs, animals (in general) and other people. Like, the fact that people were just coming up to us and getting all over him and in his face was REALLY FRUSTRATING. I mean, eventually, he and I had to get up and move to another area, because the people were just driving him nuts. He's a baby, and he's in training. He's immature to everyone else's antagonizing. Every time I would pull on his leash to restrain or correct him, everyone would gasp and give me that whole, "Oh, don't do that! You're hurting him! He's just a baby! He's just excited!"

Look, I'm not paying YOU $750 to tell me how to handle my dog. The next time you've been working with dogs for 30 years and have been trained BY the best to BE the best, then we'll sit down and talk.

I realize, now, that you don't need to just assume that you can walk up to someone else's animal and start loving on it. It's like Ralph always says - it's not LOVE the animal is lacking; it's discipline. And, the animal doesn't get that with you getting down in his face and baby-talking him. That just drives him nuts and makes him want to act like a retard.

Anyway, fireworks were okay. Every year, I forget how to work my camera for the fireworks. I didn't get a lot of good pictures, so blah. I had my Ipod on the whole time, too, because I don't like the anticipation of the sound - too much anxiety for me. They're like canned biscuits and balloons.

Also, I was really having to keep an eye on Jack. I had his leash tied around my leg, but some of the kids kept running around, taunting him, and all it did was get him even more riled up. At one point, I thought maybe it wasn't Jack who needed to be kept on a lead so much as the kids.

WOW. If you have kids, please learn how to handle them. I know a really good trainer...

(This is him watching fireworks for the exact amount of time it took for me to snap the photo.)

*Sigh* It was definitely an experience that we won't be repeating, until he gets a lot older and more mature. But, we did get to see his Aunt Terri and Uncle Travis tonight, so that was nice! &=) I didn't get a picture with him and Terri like I wanted to, because once it was over, we made a beeline for the door, before everyone started coming after us, again.

Anyway, I'm about to go party with the Birmingham couch-surfers - no surprises tonight, though. Last time was too much. *gross*

Jack is absolutely passed out in his crate, snoring. We walked there and back, and he was panting his little heart out, so I gave him water when we got home. He's going to be sleeping like the dead tonight! &=)

Hope everyone had a decent holiday. I spent all day doing laundry, cleaning house, going through all the papers and bills I collect, sleeping and watching Simpsons. And, I'm pretty sure I won't be out for long tonight, either. I'm not into pulling all-nighters anymore. Bah. That crap's for kids.


Sarah McLachlan - Fear

Morning smiles
Like the face of a newborn child
Innocent unknowing
Winters end
Promises of a long lost friend
Speaks to me of comfort

But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
Here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
Theres nothing Id like
Better than to fall
But I fear I have nothing to give

Wind in time
Rapes the flower trembling on the vine
Nothing yields to shelter it
From above
They say temptation will destroy our love
The never-ending hunger

But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
Here in this lonely place
Tangled up in our embrace
Theres nothing Id like
Better than to fall
But I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
I have nothing to give
We have so much to lose...

I can't even examine this song right now. Tears stream down my face, gather under my chin and soak my shirt. I know this song like I know an old friend, and, yet, it can still evoke such forceful and unconditional emotion from me. Alone, it's a powerful poem. With music, it can bring me to my knees and face-to-face with my own terrible fears. Lament and trepidation consume me right now...

Happy Place

Okay, I'm a little more calm than I was earlier.

I'm a lot more calm. And, yes, my hand hurts, now.

All it takes is just to ignore this shit. At the time, though, when I actually received the text, it just made my blood boil. But, it's all completely unsubstantiated and unfounded, so I don't know why I'm getting mad.

Yes, I do. It's because it's ME. And, although it will come across as this, I'm not trying to be pious - but it's ME. I wouldn't let anyone drag the names of any of my innocent friends through the mud, so why should I sit back and let it happen to me?

The answer is, it doesn't matter. There's no reason for drama. Cory said it right. This is one of those things, as with many other things in life, that we'll never understand. There's no point in even trying. This is between their two crazy asses, and if they want to fight about me being preggers, when obviously, I'm not, or being with this guy, when clearly, I wasn't, then, whatever. Go right ahead. Drag my fucking name through the dirt. Just leave me alone. Don't call me and tell me about it, because I don't care. Don't ask me any questions, because you already KNOW the answers. Call someone who wants to buy into this shit. I already HAVE the people who are important to me - they know me, and those people are the nucleus of my world.

I LIVE HERE, IN BIRMINGHAM. I hardly even GO to Pell City anymore, and when I do, it's STRICTLY TO SEE MY FAMILY.

It just pisses me off, because of all the shit that I put my OWN self through this past decade, and the time and effort that it's taken me to fight and climb and tear my way back to the top, all someone has to do is be stupid for one second and say one retarded thing, and it's all taken away from me.

No. No, that's not what's going to happen. These people are NOT that important in my life. In fact, they really have no bearing. I thought the one was a friend, but he's completely betrayed me from day one, and I don't deserve that sort of treatment, when I've never been anything but kind and understanding and patient and non-psychotic to him.

I don't know how in the hell I got wrapped up in this mess. I understand that lies are so much more potent and a whole hell of a lot easier to tell than the truth, but seriously, guys. It's not worth it. It REALLY isn't. This is the one area in which I have complete experience - I'll never revisit it.

If you guys just want to stay together and fight and be miserable and accuse each other of infidelity, faithlessness and a complete lack of scruples, best wishes. I have NO DESIRE to be a part of ANY. OF. IT.

Pick someone else to play the part in your covert, pregnant affair - I'd actually LIKE to have a family one day. Don't try to turn it into something sick and disgusting in front of me.

If you want drama, KEEP IT, MOTHER-FUCKERS. I've got enough shit on my plate to be worrying about YOUR fucked-up relationship.

So, Brooke, stop calling me, or we're going to have a real problem.

And, Wes, my best friend is ready to kick your ass. You need get your own shit straight. Apparently, Brooke's not the only one who has issues.

Maybe you DO deserve each other. Good luck to you - you're sure as hell going to need it.


Okay, so we got a little bit more drama going on, because, I mean, why the fuck not?

I've known this guy Wes since we were in high school. He and I met through a mutual friend of mine, Larry, a good friend of mine who's about to get married (congrats, again, btw). This was ages ago - it has to have been at LEAST 13 years ago. He's a super-nice guy, but apparently, he's dating some crazy-ass named Brooke.

I reunited with Wes back in mid-May, through Larry, and he told me that his girlfriend of two years had just cheated on him, and they were going to break up. Later on, he said was going to try to work things out with her - I was nothing but encouraging. It sucks to throw two years of your life away (or any amount of invested time), especially with someone you still love. But, trust is a bitch. It's really hard to build back up once it's lost. I know ALL about that.

Ever since then, Wes will call me on and off to talk - THAT'S MOTHER-FUCKING ALL. And, ever since then, I've been subject to some serious harrassment from this asshead of a girlfriend of his. She has accused me of everything UNDER THE SUN...or so I thought.

I JUST got a text from her - JUST NOW - that says, "Did wes get u pregnant?"

Let's have a moment of silence.
I called this fucker back, and I can't even REMEMBER what I said - I just went off. I told her that I haven't TALKED to Wes, I haven't SEEN Wes, I haven't CALLED Wes, I haven't FUCKED Wes...and obviously, it just went on from there.

I'm so mad right now, I can't even see straight. AND, I punched a wall. (It's bleeding like a bitch, but I'm so angry, it doesn't even hurt.)

Just so you know, if she contacts me again, I'm driving into town, and I'm going to KILL THIS BITCH. I am SO SICK of her shit. No wonder he wants to break up with her, but I'll tell you one fucking thing - he needs to leave me the hell out of it. This girl is a total and complete psychopath. She has bugged me TO NO END about all of this, when I'm NOT EVEN INVOLVED. I don't even TALK to Wes anymore, because she's so fucking crazy!!!!

I was excited about getting to be friends with him again, but this is ridiculous. And, of course, it's always the cheaters who feel this threatened. He told me she was supposed to be going to get help, but I'll be the first to say that it's not working. I have to admit, one of the first times I talked to her, I was a bit worried, because she said Wes had hit her.

Now, I'm wondering if they just belong together, because he told her he slept with me, just to make her feel bad for cheating on him.


Seriously! WHAT?

Is the truth THAT HARD TO HANDLE that you have to make up lies about people who aren't even there to defend themselves????

I've called her bluff several times, and I'm just sick of it now. This is insane. SHE'S insane. You people all need to be put away.


You can all take a fucking flying leap. Jesus, THIS is why I don't have a lot of friends. The more friends you have, the more likely it will be that some of them will be like this, then you've got all this fucking drama going on.

I can't believe how stupid people are. IN REAL LIFE.

Fuck this shit. I'm going home to hang out with my dog - he's SANE. All the rest of you nutjobs can rot in hell. I don't need this, and I sure as fuck won't put up with it.

If you have drama, don't bring it here, because you WON'T pass it off to me. I don't work like that.


Radiologic Technologist - REGISTERED

Cory just called me...

And, I quote:

"My name is Cory Fields, RT(R)!"


I knew you could do it! He was so nervous going into this (and pretty much since he was in school), but he passed with a 97%!!! I'm so proud of him! &=) It took him about two hours, and since we're in the twenty-first century, he was able to find out his grade before he left. "Back in the day," we had to wait for either the big envelope or the little envelope. I still remember getting my big envelope in the mail. The first thing I did was scream and go running across the yard, and I fell in the drainage ditch and almost killed myself.

So, we're going out for drinks tonight. &=) I'm so freaking proud of you, kiddo! I never had a doubt in my mind that you would pass. But, when it's your ass on the line that they're grading, it's real hard to not be nervous.

He said that he's wasted the past two weeks of his life, especially worrying about this thing, because the test was SO EASY. Although, this guy was also top? second-top? in his class, so it's not like he was in any real danger of flunking. With me, my mom had died, and I had pretty much given up giving a shit about anything - incidentally, that's when all my depression and problems started. But, you all know that story.

Congratulations, Cory! Now, get your ass to the 'ham and let's party like I don't actually have to go to work tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Now, we just have to secure you a regular job, so you can move here and take care of poor Kerry {and me}!)