7.27.2009

A very resistant request for HELP...

I don't ask for this a lot, but I need some thought and prayer...for myself. No matter how much others will always protest that it's okay for me to ask for help, so will I. I don't believe I'm in the position to ever be deserving of the help and assistance that others give me. I never will be, because there are so many others in need right now.

What I'm saying is, my life feels as though it's kind of spiraling out of control, and as you know, I don't like not having control over my life. I guess I'm not supposed to - that's for God. But, I don't even want God to have to have His hands in a mess such as this. It's not that I don't trust Him, and I know I don't talk to Him as much as I should, but I never ask for help on my behalf.

Right now, I need help. My mind feels like a blender and my life like a toilet. It's not even fair for me to say that. But, it's what I'm thinking and feeling.

I have a job...doesn't matter, though, because I hate it. Actually, LOATHE would be a more appropriate word.
I have my health...although my ills always seem to overwhelm whatever's still okay.
I have my family...but I don't see them as much as I should.

I have a lot, but everything's so askew right now (and I'm having such an incredibly sucky day so far), that I can't focus. I don't even know what I'm supposed to be focusing on. God - I should be focusing on Him. But, I can't even see how that will help.

I understand that we're supposed to come to Him when we need help, but God's not going to DO things for us. We still have to make the effort. I've seen people sit back and USE "the will of God" to get things they wanted or needed, and it infuriates me. Sure, there's a bit of jealousy when other people catch a break. But, when they use God as an excuse to be lazy and not take responsibility for themselves and their actions, that drives me to the absolute polar opposite extreme.

I'd rather NEVER accept help from anyone, ever again, and continue this horrific struggle, than to ever be labelled or thought of as a greedy, careless, indifferent, Christian zealot who believes that God will just provide everything on a silver platter. Just because you pray, doesn't mean you don't have to work for things.

Like I said, I know I'm overexaggerating, but you also don't have to be reading.

It's just that, by the time today had turned into "Super-Shitty Day," it wasn't even 9am. I'd rather just clock the fuck out, go home, pack my shit and move somewhere and do something else that would make me happy, as opposed to making money and making ends meet.

Fuck the ends. I'd just like for the days to be okay.

As much as I'm raging (inside) right now, I'm not angry with God - I'm angry at myself for getting into this situation, this situation that I created, which has only worsened over the years. After all these years, no matter what anyone else says, I should have my shit together. I WANT to have it together. No, I don't want to have the typical married/settled down/soccer mom life (purely preferential), but I would like to have another half who can help me. And, no, I don't plan on settling with just anyone - hence, why I'm still single. This sounds incredibly self-righteous, but I've had "opportunities" in the past. And, they may have even been sound, solid decisions, possibly even good "investments" (although just the thought of anyone having that kind idea makes me want to vomit). But, I refuse to do anything anymore without me being 100% behind it. If I'm not in love, then it won't happen. I'm not going to "end up" with someone just as my fall-back guy or financeer. I want to be in hardcore, mad love, before I ever let anything happen that will influence my life in that direction. I might not even be so diligent about it, if I didn't know that kind of love wasn't possible.

You know, my days probably wouldn't be such a struggle, if I didn't have such a mental and emotional bond with everything in my life. If I didn't CARE about anything - even if I didn't WANT to care about anything - my life wouldn't be such a fucking fight. But, the fact that I'd like to not stumble and stagger my way through life like a zombie makes a good bit of difference on how I view things.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so emotional about things. Maybe that WOULD be better.

Shit, this post is making less and less sense, the more I type. The more that comes out, the crazier it sounds. (And, yes, I know those of you who would agree.)

I'm sorry.

I'm not looking for physical help - if you guys could just keep me in your thoughts from time to time, that would be awesome. I'd really appreciate it.


Right now, all I want to do is stand in the middle of the hallway and scream like a crazy person. Who knows - maybe that's exactly what I need right now. Maybe it's what would help everyone else.

Here, let me see how well it works out - be right back.

2 comments:

Lorza said...

I am praying for you sweetpea!!!

Holly said...

I will pray for you, and for peace to come to you, inside and out.

Can I tell you that I laughed at the thought of you standing in the hallway screaming your head off?! Even when you're at your wits end, you're still a funny girl. I love you!!!