It's always been rather hard to communicate effectively through text.
Every once in a while, though, I get something where I can actually feel the feelings pouring through the phone.
Last night, Cory tried to call me, to talk, after he found out what happened, and I pressed ignore and texted, "I can't talk to you right now, because if I open my mouth, I'm going to start crying. Sorry." He immediately texted back with, "ohhhhh, I LOVE YOU!," then again with, "It's okay. Just know I love you."
When I was getting ready to start my job at Joe's, my aunt, Amy, texted me and said, "Just telling you good luck about the new job...I want you to get on your feet a little and then find something you really want to do - not these kind of jobs you get just to get by. But, I totally understand - I'm just proud of you for pushing through and making SOMETHING happen instead of someone else doing everything for you and you know who the people are I'm talking about!!!" I was bawling when I read that, and I texted her back and told her how I still feel like a scared little girl, without her mama. She came back with, "Mama or not, you're a grown woman who has a mind and a heart and you're making decisions that keep you going and keep you real! Not in that fantasy world of someone else taking care of you because you're down and out! You will turn it all around and with your writing ability, you'll probably write a book soon!!!"
That last part made me laugh. &=) But, yes, I saved all of those.
I still have one saved from her, from October 17, 09, that I look at all the time, that simply says (txt jargon and all), "Luv u 2- ttys! :-X"
I don't know what pulls me to one person or another. The ability to relate? The magnetism of their realness? I haven't a clue.
I've been dealing with lots of issues, which all seem to have been heaped up on my head recently: the attack, the job stuff, things going on within my blessed family, things with friends, past and present, several breakups, and a LOT of letting go of the past. Strangely enough, the past seems to stay wrapped around my ankles, like a lover pleading for you to stay...just a little longer.
It just so happens that I have an incredible group of friends, as well as the most awesome family on earth. Every individual person I know has had some kind of impact on me. It's usually positive, but if it ever turns negative, unfortunately, that's something I don't think I'm able to deal with at this point, so I have to turn them away. I hate doing that, but I'm pretty sure we're all in agreement here when I say that everyone doesn't get along with everyone.
Hell, we weren't meant to. It would be nice and be MY personal fantasy, to heal the world with militant, renegade huggies. But, as loving as I am (or have the ability to be, when I'm not mentally stretched like a rubber band), I'm also a realist.
Life is a bitch.
At this point, with all the uncertainty that lies out there, with all the problems we're all encountering, I think the best thing we can do at this point is just hold on to each other for dear life. If you find someone who brings you down too much or doesn't seem to fit you, let them go. Please. For their sake, and for your sanity. They'll find someone. We all do.
But, the people you DO have, remember who they are, and actually sit and figure out why that person is so special to you. THOSE are the people you cling to. I may be independent on my own, but I'm completely and proudly codependent with the people I love. MY love and devotion isn't anything to brag about. But, I consider myself to be a very picky and discerning person, when it comes to relationships that I want to pursue. I never just walk up to someone (like Cory), and basically demand for them to be my friend. Even Heather and I had to be introduced, go out on a date, act coy and flirt like little girls...and when I ended up in rehab, and she showed up, with a card and hugs in tow, I knew she was meant to be my best friend.
A lot of the people I know have social problems or vexations (me, obviously). Something I've come to understand and hold on to like a life raft is, you have to make your feelings known. If you love someone, tell them. If they take it the wrong way, they're the weirdo. &=P If you feel like hugging someone, do it, sexual harassment be damned (although, this should not be attempted on strangers or new friends who haven't been properly felt out). &=) But, obviously, if these are the people who know and love you, so of course, those things won't be problems. Tear down walls. Stop putting up walls. Surround yourself with people whom you love and want to emulate. BE who you want to be - not who someone expects you to be. Love people, and let them love you. Just choose wisely for yourself. If something doesn't work out, it wasn't meant to. Don't stress about it. But, always remember, as fucked up as other people are, there's always room for improvement within your own life. Just fill your life full of people who are willing to accept you just as you are, even while knowing you're constantly changing. We all are.
We just have to learn to accept it and each other. Together, we can make it through anything. It's tough, and there are still days that I can't stand to have anyone touch me. But, overall, I need my people. And, it makes me feel amazing to know that they need me. Makes me feel good to don my superhero-friend cape every now and again.
I think I need to reread my texts again. I need some psychological huggies like a madman.