I'm coughing so much, that an old lady heard me, and offered me an old, melty, deformed Vicks cough drop out of the bottom of her purse...AND I TOOK IT! It was so crusty that the wrapper wouldn't even come off. I had to rinse the wrapper off under a faucet.

I have a feeling I'm going to get even sicker when I read this later.

Blah. I never take candies from any old ladies' purses...except my grandmother. Because her stuff is safe. She's probably the only old lady I trust.

Also, I'm wearing a mask right now, and it's not because I've been in the OR.

It's actually to keep my lung from hurling out and landing on someone. That would be completely unsanitary. And, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want it back anyway.

I hate being sick.

Viva la Dextromethorphan

Morning: 9:30am

This has suddenly appeared on my "blocked site" at work:

To view sites in this category you must use quota time. You have 50 minute(s) of quota time remaining. Click the Use Quota Time button to start a 10 minute session for viewing this site and other sites in quota-limited categories.

I have no idea what the hell that means, but I'm posting this as fast as I possibly can.

There's so much crap I haven't been able to post because I'm out of internet. I've missed posting about the whole Michael Vick trial, my birthday is tomorrow (let's just let this one pass, unnoticed), I broke my toe, I'm really, really sick right now, but it's just a sinus infection gone "Viva La Revolucion" in my head to become a major head cold, which I think is now moving down into my chest, and many, MANY other things that need to be addressed.

My phone is TOTALLY dead right now, so if you have to get in touch with me, you can page me via the info I sent through email. If you didn't get one of those emails, then you probably don't need to page me. Or call me. You can email me, but I can't promise I'll respond, since I have no internet, except at work.


And, no, I don't want to celebrate my birthday. I already sat in the shower for 45 min yesterday, bawling my eyes out. Because I'm sick, because I miss my mom, because I'm old, because I'm fat, and because I'm alone. Please, for the sake of you AND your children, don't try to rebuke any of those, because I can guarantee to you that I'm not going to listen.

I went through with it and bought myself an $80 camera, which was already in the works when my phone went out. And, anyway, it's my money and my present to myself, so get off me. It's my present for being fat...and old. It should be getting here tomorrow, so I'm really glad about that. My next thing to save up for is getting those pics off that freaking fried drive of mine. I know I'm going to have to spend beaucoups (otherwise known as "bookoo" or "boocoo") money on that. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that the next thing to eat my money will be my car. It's making this weird sound when I drive and brake, which I don't have to do lots of, thankfully.

Right now, I'm just trying to feel better. I actually haven't been this kind of sick in a long, long time, which has been nice. I just nitpick at every little thing, because there's nothing else going on in my life, which is totally awesome and makes for fun and interesting things to talk about at parties. ("Who is that weird, boring chick in the corner over there, hoarding the vegetable platter?")

So, I went binge drinking a couple of weeks ago, with some close friends. I would like to say that before you get all judgemental {first off, you might want to stop reading}, I don't have any kids (although my cats DO count, they're just more self-sufficient than most 1 and 3-year-olds), I was invited to do it (or rather instructed), I was completely coherent as to what I was doing, I've been incredibly depressed, and for God's sake, I'M TURNING 30. This age thing is not going over well with my psyche. Needless to say, I had a great time, even though I woke up at a person's house wearing no pants or shoes, that were both covered in vomit, out in the carport. I also vomited profusely in this person's car. My backside was covered in ant bites and my underpants had leaves in them. My dried vomit-covered hair had dead leaves all tangled in it. I had to actually take a pick in the shower with me, to pick through my hair, to get all the crap out - I then had to get a BROOM AND DUSTPAN to get all that crap off the shower floor.

I heard the story of "T'was the Night of Drinking," and frankly, I couldn't stop laughing. I'll have to see if I can get one of my friends to write me up a synopsis of what happened, and let me omit the names, because I don't know that they want to be associated with the likes of me. (Just kidding, girls!) Apparently, I was so entertaining that they actually took pictures. &=) One asked the other, "do you think this is mean, taking pictures?" The other responds, "Probably. But she would have wanted it this way." In the ones where I'm passed out, looking like a dead body on the side of the road, they actually got down in the pictures with me. And, I have to say, I would never have gone drinking with people who didn't totally love me enough to take care of me, purple panties, vomit-covered clothes and all. One of the girls said she hadn't had that much fun or laughed that hard in a long time - hey, you know me - always willing to entertain! &=)

Anyway, I think while we were sitting outside my house talking, and I was milling around on the porch, contemplating my next place for public urination, I must have fallen off and broken my toe. Because I woke up the next day, and my toe was black and blue and hurting like crazy. I puked and dry heaved to the point that I busted a HUGE vessel in my right eye, so that's gotten me LOADS of phone numbers.......to AA.

Ok, and just to let EVERYONE know, I've officially and legally gone back to my maiden name, which is "Braxton," for those of you who didn't know me pre-Harper. Mentally, it's been a good deal harder than I had originally thought it would be, giving up the "Harper" name. But coupled with the birthday thing, I think it's just a recipe for disaster, of which I have so many, I'm publishing a book! &=)

I've had this thing with change, since my mom died, where I just think that as long as things are constantly changing (usually by my hand), I won't get settled into any one thing and get comfortable, so that when it's taken away from me, I won't be able to deal. I think that's part of the reason I keep moving so much. I was doing it with jobs, too, but I kinda like this job. And, until I do get things sorted out (YES, I still want to join the Peace Corps), I would like to stay here, as long as they don't change the locks on me. I'm afraid I wouldn't know how to stop working here if they DID fire me. I'd be like Milton from Office Space - got fired and hasn't been paid in 3 months, but still showing up for work. All for the love of a stapler. Or in my case, a C-arm, of which cannot be purchased at the Office Depot.

So, I'm Jennifer Marie Braxton, once again.

I loathe being single.

But I refuse to shack up with a loser. Well, anyone who's more a loser than me.

Hey, I'm not a complete and TOTAL loser - I have now begun to recycle! More on that later, though.

Right now, this loser is going to find a trash can into which I can dump my mountain of gross, snotty tissues. If the whole, entire hospital isn't infected with this whatever I have, I'm going to be really surprised. I've tried to keep my mouth covered, keep my germs to myself, and wash my hands until they're bleeding, but you know how it is. I'm just about ready to snort a bottle of bleach to see if that will get rid of it. The common cold - the weenie of diseases.


Getting it together

Let me just get a few things clear:

*my cellphone is broke and only takes incoming calls and text msgs right now.

*i'm working my sweet arse off to make ends meet with bills, so if anyone knows of another job, NOT selling slaughtered animals or my soul to Beelzebub, PLEASE FILL ME IN.

*i'm working off a broke toe, a busted eye, a weak and useless knee, and infected sinuses (aka. no voice).

But guess what?

I'M CLEAN, MOTHER-FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will cross the threshold of 30 as a clean, disease-free woman!!!!


you guys are asses.

BUT I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so freaking happy, I can't even express it, and I don't mean just because I don't have a voice. I mean, because it's been a hell of a trip to get here, and I don't EVER want to do it again! This has been fucked up. It's mainly been my fault, but come on. I think I can deal with a nice, long break right now.

Anyone know an intelligent, good-hearted, Christian, single, game/computer-savvy, nice-looking, all-around great guy, who wants a family and wouldn't mind following me into the Peace Corps? That's all I need to be content, and I swear I'll shut up.


Sounds SOOOO easy, right???

HA!!!!!!! &=D

I know it won't last, but I have to say it:

For one minute, it feels ok to be alive.


When does good turn bad?

Originally written: 8.17.07

1145a: Early afternoon

If you meet someone, and they meet most of your criteria but not all, when do you determine that it's enough?

For example:
I once met a guy who is a decent guy, nice, kind, hardworking, would have made an awesome father, loving husband, devoted and faithful partner...but he didn't believe in God.

Does that automatically negate everything about him that's good?

How to know when the universe hates you

Originally written: 8.17.07

1140a: Early Afternoon

You know how when you're trying desperately to get over someone, you see everything in the universe that can possibly remind you of that person?

Eg. Today I went to the clinic for a checkup, and I magically got a totally awesome parking spot on the street...next to Regions Bank.

Does anyone have a gun?


Originally written: 8.17.07

Early Morning

This weekend, I get to babysit one of our surgeon's doggies. Also, someone in the ER is trying to get me to take another baby kitty. They've almost broken me. AND, one of the nurses in the OR has a kitten that she's pretty sure is dying from starvation, but she insists that there's nothing she can do...so, I guess I'M going to have to go rescue it.

If I just had a farm...and money, I could take all these animals that no one wants.


The world is a bitter, cruel place sometimes.


1. A microscopic or minute organism, such as an amoeba or paramecium, usually considered to be an animal.
2. Archaic A tiny animal, such as a mosquito.

Return to sender

Originally written: 8.16.07

Early Afternoon

I'm so fussy this week. I don't mean to be. I don't think my meds are working. Unfortunately, I don't really care a whole lot to do anything about it, either.

I can't seem to alleviate these feelings of loneliness, no matter what I do. It's just hard to be alone, and then you tell someone, so they invite you to do something, and you're like, "I don't like being alone, but I don't want to hang out with you." It's nothing personal...well, for anyone but me anyway.

I just want to be allowed to not feel good, come home, and curl up with someone on the couch, and let them take care of me, while I feel crappy. I want that feeling that you get with someone, so that when they come around, you feel like all is right with the world. The whole world can be falling apart, but as long as you're with this person, everything is perfect.

I want to be able to be alone while being with someone. When you're with someone you care about more than anything in the world, there's no such thing as an awkward silence. There's just silence. And, it's ok to be quiet sometimes. You don't have to be interesting all the time. You don't have to talk nonstop all the time. Sometimes it's just good to sit and think and medidate on your thoughts and the fact that you appreciate the other person's presence.

Friends can't always provide that. No matter that they want to do something for you, there's always some deeper feeling that friends just can't touch. People can be there for you through so many things. But if you don't have someone to fill that particular deep-seated need, somehow, the whole of your life just seems so empty. It makes everything else in the world so much harder to bear. I wonder why that is...

There are cravings that my family satisfy, that my friends don't. Vice versa is also true. We're so different around so many people. Around my family, I feel more relaxed, knowing that they know me, know that I'm weak, know that I'm not perfect. Around some of my friends and my coworkers, though, I feel the need to entertain, be upbeat, be someone else. I think we all do that to an extent. I mean, if you don't, you get the whole "what's wrong with you today?" You can't just...BE. No one will let you. I feel like if I need you to know something, I'll tell you. I'm not the kind of person who walks around with a frown on my face, just begging for someone to ask me what's going on. But sometimes I truly am not myself.

I just feel so emotionally detached from the world right now. I don't know how many times I've actually written that statement. It's become so worn and cliche to me. But it's the only way I know how to describe how I feel. I feel like each person is a planet, orbiting around the sun, but somehow, me being a tiny little misshapen, dysfunctional planet, has somehow worked it's way out into a lonely, empty part of the galaxy, far, far away from the sun; it's really cold out here. There are no stars.

Various planets and suns come by and try to visit, but I guess I'm waiting to find another sun to warm up to...MY sun.

I wish I could stop hurting people, though. Why do I seem to do that? How can I take someone who cares so much about me and turn them into a collapsing star? Not that I have that much influence on anyone, mind you. I can just crush the LIFE out of anyone who tries to get close to me.

Note to self: ANOTHER reason to start back therapy...

It scares me. I'm one of the softest people I know. But when I feel consumed by someone, I think I start to feel out of control. It's so screwed up, because I WANT people to care about me, but when they do, I try to pull out all the reasons that they shouldn't. That, and I'm still terrified of getting left behind. So, I feel like I have to be first. I have to be the first one to pull away. I've always been like that. I don't want to be the one who's the last to know, the last to find out. I hate it when people stay in relationships when they're not happy. It seems so hurtful. I know - I've been there. I think. I don't even know what I feel anymore. All I want is to be completely honest to myself and to everyone else.

Honesty is hard, though. It's not always easier to be honest. You try to protect people by not being honest. Or to postpone the inevitable. It blows. I don't know that people are innately kind. There are people I've met that seem spat right out from hell itself. In fact, I'm having one of those days myself.

My mind is so cluttered with cobwebs and crap, but full of nothing substantial. I hate writing depressing stuff, but it's how I feel. I feel like I could just leave this world right now, because there's nothing here for me. I have no purpose. I have no one to miss me. I know friends and family will cry, but in time, they'll move on, as everyone does.

I'm just so tired, for nothing.
To be nothing.
And for nothing.
All of nothing.
To come from nothing -
and to end as nothing.

Perhaps I'll get sucked into another universe one day and find my sun. But here - there's nothing here for me - nothing here but a broken, scarred heart, that's finding it harder and harder to find reasons to keep beating. I wonder how much more I can possibly put it through, before it just gives up.

Your soul has been marked "Return to Sender."

Where's my handbasket?

Originally written: 8.15.07

Early Afternoon

I was talking about beliefs with a friend the other day, and she posed the question: "Do you think all gays and lesbians go straight to hell?" I briefly thought, since I've never asked myself that question, before I answered, "no. I don't think all gays and lesbians go straight to hell after death."

I've thought about this many times, and I've finally concluded that, while your sexual actions dictate a part of who you are (at the time) and the sins you commit, you can't actively control with whom you fall in love (which is completely different, obviously, from lust). I, myself, am not a lesbian, but of the friends that I've had who are either lesbian or gay, I can't see most of them going on to spend eternity in the damming fires of hell.

I believe that your sexual promiscuity will be a tic mark on your slate, just as any other sin: "speeding - sin; cheating on a test - sin; sleeping with a woman - sin." And, the Bible tells us that no sin is greater or less than another sin - all sins are equal. I understand that the whole point of asking for forgiveness is with the understanding that you won't perform that same mistake again. But, realistically, there's no one on earth who's perfect - I don't care WHO you are. (Incidentally, pride and narcissism are sins. Humility is much more becoming.) And, when we die, it's more than likely that we will have things for which haven't been forgiven. In comes the Day of Judgement. Only then, will you find out what God has written down for you. We will be held accountable for everything.

The Bible, unfortunately, has been rewritten and reinterpreted many, many times over the years. Also unfortunately, it's left up to humankind with our fallible, flawed and biased nature to decipher this material. People can claim impartiality, but there's always a part of them that's leaning one way or the other.

There are things that I'm still not decided on. It's nothing personal - it's just that I haven't experienced that situation or I have mixed emotions on the subject. I don't like having those undefined feelings, but the whole world isn't black and white. If you think it is, then it is. But you can't always make people see what you want them to see, no matter how badly you want them to believe something is right or wrong. Decisions based on experience are very valuable, good to share, but not always heeded.

That was a bit of a tangent. Sorry.

There are too many seriously flawed people in my life (including myself) that I'm still hoping to see on the other side. There are also people whose souls I've cried out for in the dark. Provided you're a good person, believe in God, and always try to do the right thing, I still think He might give you a fighting chance. After all, it's ultimately between you and Him, no matter how the world tries to force you to follow the rest of the lemmings.


Regression for transgression

I became a teenage dirtbag at 24, when I was no longer a teenager.

I fell in love for the first time, when I was 19. He was perfect, despite what many of you think. I lost my mother, but he and I still got married. I didn't understand how depression really affected a life. I also didn't really get how much help I truly needed, and I fought it. So, headfirst into the odds, I threw everything I had - my completely perfect life, yet muddled mind - into the woodchipper and lost everything. It was my fault - I'll never deny it. I'll also never forgive myself. I've tried, but I've always failed.

I fell in love again - this time, with a self-proclaimed and active atheist. I denied it for a long time. Once I stopped my rebuffing, though, I still couldn't iron out the dilemmas and incontrovertible complications that I would continue to have with this sole issue for the rest of my life. I managed to run him off, too.

I don't want to fall in love again. That's far too many people to "have loved" in your life. That's too many people to look back on. That's too many memories to have to sort through later on. Far too many pictures, too much evidence to have to burn to get on with your life.

I completely understand why people just marry Mr. Whoever/Ms. Right Now when they get older. I'd love nothing more than to find my "soulmate" - but I really don't anticipate that ever happening.

I don't know about the rest of the universe, but that makes me feel incredibly empty.

I'm turning 30 in a few days. In case you CAN'T tell, I've pretty much thrown up all road blocks and closed all avenues for a real relationship anymore. I don't foresee finding anyone as good as I've had in the past. I'm not trying to be the harbinger of doom or emo or whatnot - just realistic; grownup; whatever that means.

Sure, I know people who are older than me, who have found exactly what they've been searching for, later on in their lives. I don't see that being me. The kind of person I would discern for myself is already married/taken/dead.

I remember writing an essay in grade school, posing the question, "What will you be doing in the year 2000?" I clearly remember writing that I would be a kindergarten teacher, married, with 3 kids.

You never once look at yourself, while growing up, and think, "I'm gonna be a complete and total loser when I grow up. I plan on estranging as many people as come into my force field."

Those colors in the Crayola box tend to run together, year after oppressive year.

Just so you know, I went out with a couple of people in the past month, - "dates," if you will - and I think I'd rather go to work naked for an entire month, at the hospital where I work, and eat live roaches for 3 square meals a day, than ever date again. I think I hate dating, and I'm pretty sure that will never change.

Heather used the word "pedestrian" to describe someone once, and I made fun of her for being so cruel with her highbrow analogy.

Coincidentally, I now consider "pedestrian" such a kind, good-hearted word.

I'll be damned if I actually hoped this one guy would manage to fall into the toilet and drown in a foot of water, for being so stupid. I found myself wondering, "how can you possibly exist, if you're this much of a selfish, self-centered, narrow-minded, brutish, angry, prejudiced prick of a mother-fucking redneck? Can't they revoke your air-breathing privileges after a while?" I swear, if this asslicker used the N-word one more time, I think I would have physically projectile-vomited into his face...on purpose. I try not to get all up in peoples' faces, screeching and psychotic, about their aversions, prejudices, beliefs and stuff on the first date, or if they slip-up and say something retarded.

I do that sometimes - say dumb things.

But, I'm pretty sure this guy's, either mom and dad, or grandmother and grandfather MUST have been brother and sister.

&=( Where do they come from? &=(

If I knew, I wish they'd stop storing nuclear waste there. Or put high-sensitivity land mines around, so they can't get out.

And, the fact that they're, for some reason, attracted to me like flies to the landfill, does NOTHING for an already non-existent ego.


Life is SOOOO much easier to bear, when you have someone to help push it all away at the end of the day. It's too bad we're all so weird and picky about with whom we get yoked. I'll be damned, though, if I'm getting courted by scum of the earth. I don't like to think that I'm better than anybody, but most people just make my stomach hurt...in a bad way. As a matter of fact, I think I'm going to go throw up now.

You know, if I ever find that essay, I plan to eat the entire thing, page by page.

Are you sure they know you're loose?

Originally posted: 8.9.07

If I could choose to have any ability in the world, I'm pretty sure I would want to be an artist. After that, I'd like to be creative. You can be able to draw and still have no inspiration.

If I could have a superpower, I think I'd choose healing. Or maybe the ability to give others peaceful, seamless, transitional deaths.

I read on thesmokinggun.com about this guy in Minnesota who beheaded a girl's dog with a chainsaw, then sent her the head in a box. It's stuff like this that makes me fairly homocidal. And, yes, you can submit THIS entry to the cops, once I kill someone for hurting another living creature. Not that I'd deny it. I'm just saying...people wonder why I get so miffed about animal abuse (along with the abuse of others). Well, if you just think about it from the dog's perspective, I'm pretty sure you could see where I'm coming from. I don't know if, when something that traumatic and painful happens, a body just shuts down, so you really wouldn't feel any pain. Or are you awake long enough to feel the most excruciating part, until it just becomes so intense, you just pass out?

I remember watching a guy mow over a cat that was in the middle of the road, in his big-ass truck. I ran after the truck, screaming obscenities and throwing rocks, but he kept driving - OF COURSE. If I was that much of a pussy, I wouldn't have stopped either. But, if I would have made it to him, I'm pretty sure I would have beat him until I killed him.

And of course, those jackasses who locked that cat in a cage, poured gasoline over him and lit him on fire...oh, and videotaped the whole thing.

It's so overwhelming sometimes to see how cruel the world can be (really is?).

People like to ignore these things, pretend they don't exist. But they're out there - sick, demented, twisted. And, we let them get away with far too much. Yes, I believe they'll get theirs in the end. But while they're here, I think they should suffer as well. No, it's not for me to judge. But I can't sit by and WATCH these things happen. It's too hard for me, to let the innocent and the quiet suffer.

I don't believe in walking around and beating people up, just for giving me dirty looks. That's retarded. There are those kinds of people who live life looking for a fight - "What are you looking at??? Yeah, that's what I thought!" Jesus - I'm just squinting at the sun - let's bring it down a notch, ok? Of course, these are the soulless bastards who will live the longest on this earth, trashing it, treating it and everyone on it like shit. They also, on average, make the most kids and have the lowest IQ.

I also don't believe in reprieve for others, unless they really mean it. I don't mean scare tactics. I mean, because you're genuinely and legitimately sorry, you will be forgiven. I've done things wrong, and I've made the same mistakes more than once. But because I've admitted to those mistakes, am truly sorry for what they were, and made conscious efforts to not repeat them, I believe that I'm forgiven. As to whether or not I really am remains to be proven.

What about wrongful justification? What if someone does something, and she has it totally worked out in her mind to where all the signs point to "Hey, it's all cool!"? That used to be my biggest problem - MAKING things be ok. "I'm this way, because of this," or "I did this because of this other thing." I've never had a problem admitting to being wrong and apologizing for it. But I did used to try to bend the rules in my favor. Isn't that strange, being able to subsequently point out that kind of crap? It sucks. It sucks, looking back over your life, being able to point out everything you've done wrong, saying, "Crap! What was I thinking??!? Was anyone driving the bus at that point, or was my conscience taking a dump in the bathroom???"

That's why I always try to talk to the kids about dumb things they do or MIGHT do. I mean, that's why any one person tries to head another person off from doing something stupid. We've all learned something from our mistakes in some way or another, and we try to warn others before they make the same stupid mistake. No, we don't always listen. Sometimes you just have to learn for yourself. And, that sucks.

Don't ask me how I got on this topic, sprouting the different legs, that don't make any sense. My brain is a mystery (conundrum? weapon of mass destruction?). It's just been a long time since I've gotten to post (or ever will again, probably). My internet is still down at home, and I work on it every day. Like I said before, I keep typing stuff up in my email, then posting whenever I'm around a non-retarded computer, which is not often.

It's been a fairly quiet week, but this weekend is going to be a disaster, somehow. I don't know how, but I can feel it...coming in the air tonight...oh, no. I'm not going to get to work Saturday night, because the Family Values concert is that day. Then, Heather has invited me to go with them to Six Flags on Sunday. THEN, I have court on Tuesday for my expired court tag - hopefully, they'll throw the ticket out, but I'm sure I'll still have to pay court costs. Somehow, I'm sure it's going to work out to be much cheaper to have paid the ticket in the first place. Or I'll get another ticket on the way to court. Or they'll try to arrest me on some unrelated charge, like posting the word "homocidal" or calling myself a "weapon of mass destruction." If this is a free country, I don't know how well I'd do in a subservient one. I guess we'll see, eventually, huh?

Well, I hope so. I hope that my altruism will win out over my need to save others from being wronged. Otherwise, I'm liable to spend the rest of my life in some scary, gross Thai prison like Claire Danes in Brokedown Palace. I'm already weird about sleeping in other peoples' beds. I'm still hell-bent determined to do something good, though, even if it makes one person's life better for 15 minutes.

That doesn't even make any sense does it?

Oh well. That's what I get for having that random mind. It just floats from subject to subject, with no warning, really.

It's nice to talk about things no one else really gets. It makes you that much less approachable. I like to keep the world at arm's length.

But not always...



Current mood: hungry

yes, much to your dismay, i'm still alive.

STILL working like the slave-bitch.

still bending to the will of "the man".

i'm visiting with my fam this weekend, so hopefully i can post a tiny something. but you guys know me - it will be anything but tiny. LOTS going on. LITTLE that's anything but neutral.

will update sooners...&=D

Currently listening : When It Falls
By Zero 7
Release date: 02 March, 2004

not dead

Originally posted: 8.5.07

No, I'm not dead. But almost. I'm sorry I've been in contact with NO ONE. Going to get 'puter from Heather's tomorrow and set it up at home. Been going non-stop.
Will update, eventually... ?????