Originally written: 8.16.07
I'm so fussy this week. I don't mean to be. I don't think my meds are working. Unfortunately, I don't really care a whole lot to do anything about it, either.
I can't seem to alleviate these feelings of loneliness, no matter what I do. It's just hard to be alone, and then you tell someone, so they invite you to do something, and you're like, "I don't like being alone, but I don't want to hang out with you." It's nothing personal...well, for anyone but me anyway.
I just want to be allowed to not feel good, come home, and curl up with someone on the couch, and let them take care of me, while I feel crappy. I want that feeling that you get with someone, so that when they come around, you feel like all is right with the world. The whole world can be falling apart, but as long as you're with this person, everything is perfect.
I want to be able to be alone while being with someone. When you're with someone you care about more than anything in the world, there's no such thing as an awkward silence. There's just silence. And, it's ok to be quiet sometimes. You don't have to be interesting all the time. You don't have to talk nonstop all the time. Sometimes it's just good to sit and think and medidate on your thoughts and the fact that you appreciate the other person's presence.
Friends can't always provide that. No matter that they want to do something for you, there's always some deeper feeling that friends just can't touch. People can be there for you through so many things. But if you don't have someone to fill that particular deep-seated need, somehow, the whole of your life just seems so empty. It makes everything else in the world so much harder to bear. I wonder why that is...
There are cravings that my family satisfy, that my friends don't. Vice versa is also true. We're so different around so many people. Around my family, I feel more relaxed, knowing that they know me, know that I'm weak, know that I'm not perfect. Around some of my friends and my coworkers, though, I feel the need to entertain, be upbeat, be someone else. I think we all do that to an extent. I mean, if you don't, you get the whole "what's wrong with you today?" You can't just...BE. No one will let you. I feel like if I need you to know something, I'll tell you. I'm not the kind of person who walks around with a frown on my face, just begging for someone to ask me what's going on. But sometimes I truly am not myself.
I just feel so emotionally detached from the world right now. I don't know how many times I've actually written that statement. It's become so worn and cliche to me. But it's the only way I know how to describe how I feel. I feel like each person is a planet, orbiting around the sun, but somehow, me being a tiny little misshapen, dysfunctional planet, has somehow worked it's way out into a lonely, empty part of the galaxy, far, far away from the sun; it's really cold out here. There are no stars.
Various planets and suns come by and try to visit, but I guess I'm waiting to find another sun to warm up to...MY sun.
I wish I could stop hurting people, though. Why do I seem to do that? How can I take someone who cares so much about me and turn them into a collapsing star? Not that I have that much influence on anyone, mind you. I can just crush the LIFE out of anyone who tries to get close to me.
Note to self: ANOTHER reason to start back therapy...
It scares me. I'm one of the softest people I know. But when I feel consumed by someone, I think I start to feel out of control. It's so screwed up, because I WANT people to care about me, but when they do, I try to pull out all the reasons that they shouldn't. That, and I'm still terrified of getting left behind. So, I feel like I have to be first. I have to be the first one to pull away. I've always been like that. I don't want to be the one who's the last to know, the last to find out. I hate it when people stay in relationships when they're not happy. It seems so hurtful. I know - I've been there. I think. I don't even know what I feel anymore. All I want is to be completely honest to myself and to everyone else.
Honesty is hard, though. It's not always easier to be honest. You try to protect people by not being honest. Or to postpone the inevitable. It blows. I don't know that people are innately kind. There are people I've met that seem spat right out from hell itself. In fact, I'm having one of those days myself.
My mind is so cluttered with cobwebs and crap, but full of nothing substantial. I hate writing depressing stuff, but it's how I feel. I feel like I could just leave this world right now, because there's nothing here for me. I have no purpose. I have no one to miss me. I know friends and family will cry, but in time, they'll move on, as everyone does.
I'm just so tired, for nothing.
To be nothing.
And for nothing.
All of nothing.
To come from nothing -
and to end as nothing.
Perhaps I'll get sucked into another universe one day and find my sun. But here - there's nothing here for me - nothing here but a broken, scarred heart, that's finding it harder and harder to find reasons to keep beating. I wonder how much more I can possibly put it through, before it just gives up.
Your soul has been marked "Return to Sender."