"Some opportunites are meant to be missed."

I've been having a hell of a time lately, with birthdays and guys and work and things, and it's really started to get the best of me. I made a pretty pitiful video yesterday about how I'm sick of always having to get up, brush myself off, and move past the absolute crap I go through or put myself through. But, blogger won't upload it, so oh well. Maybe you shouldn't see it.

Anyway, I've recently come into contact with someone from my past. It's someone I don't remember, but he believes he remembers me.

And, he wants to meet me for coffee.

Of course, I've completely trashed this idea because I'm terrified that he's just going to be "the next victim," and I really don't feel like hurting someone, along with myself.

So, what to do?

Next logical step: email Heather.

Though I can't post my own letter, I wanted to share hers. I don't know where she came from, but she's wise beyond her years.

She really should have gone into psychology, because she has such an incredibly profound insight on every single thing I've ever had a question about.

Enough stalling. Here it is:

I have one question, if you will give every obviously wrong loser a chance, why won't you give someone who seems to be alot like you (which, just last night you told me you wanted) a chance too?? I thought alot about what you said last night about why do you (we) do the things we do when we know better? and just like you said in your email here, I figured out the conclusion but not at the time we needed it! I think you would take a chance on something you know is total wrong for you because every chance could be something you "missed". just like you said here. Thing is, if it's an obvious alarming situation, meaning one that sets the sirens loose in your head from the get-go, like the one with xxxxx...it may mean that it's a chance you NEED to miss. We are driven by our "what if" mentality. and when we have a chance to do the global outpouring of ideas that we do sometimes, I would like to show you something very interesting in my ADD workbook about that. and it wasn't even in the "emotionally accepting the fact that you're screwed up" section.
Summary: Some opportunites are meant to be missed. Don't let what was ALMOST a dicey decision keep you from taking chances that you that could be good for you.
Have coffee with xxxxx (a separate person from above). Nothing wrong with coffee in the light of day. and do your worst!! lay it out. pick your nose. berate the barrista for not knowing if the milk used came from non-hormone-injected cows or not. re-enact the veteran in the grocery store on new years' eve. But give him a chance to love it or leave it. Because in THIS case, you never know what might happen.
PS: and he's hot.
PSS: that's not the reason you should go to coffee.
I love you Schmoopy! I'm around my house today. Lee and the boys went to Atlanta. I'm going to see if Courtney will let Sophie sleep over tonight so we can go and celebrate your birth. Because I'm still glad you were born, silly.
Miggity Mack

She really should be writing "how-to" books on living life.

And, me...who knows what I'm here for?

Seriously. If anyone knows, please apprise me, because once again, I'm totally and completely lost. Nothing new. Feels just like home.


Happy Birthday to me...

...now get me the fuck out of here.

I hate watching myself cry.


the pitfalls? meet my reasons.

Ok, I really need to be doing some work on my blog. I wish I would keep up with it better. I've been so busy lately, at work and outside of work.

I actually can't write long now, because I need to jump in the shower, and Ryan is coming over. He's the guy I'm dating now. I would use the term "flavor of the week," but that's so crude and brash. *Ick* It gave me shivers just saying it right there.

But, hell, you never know if things are going to work out or not, you know?

I got to go get my Erica today after work! I got her after class and took her with me to do some running around. She's so funny - she got in the car and IMMEDIATELY launched into a full-on description on everything that's been going on, including the events of the day. I love to listen to her talk! I'm so glad I'm so close to her - only like 10 min away.

So, we ran some errands, picked her up a couple of things for school, then we went back to her dorm for me to install Microsoft Office. She had to have it to open up some class programs...AND she's already got a ton of homework.

You know, I don't miss being an undergrad, but I DO miss school.

Ok, well, today at work, we started talking about recycling in the city (and outside), and apparently that's my "hot button" issue! &=D I don't think I knew that! We got into a really heated discussion about the inefficiency of our city government (yes, this is slander - sue me). So, somehow, I ended up on the Green Team at work (ohhhhh, they're going to fucking hate me, and I'm not EVEN kidding), I sent a letter along with questions and a request to volunteer with the Green Resource Center here in town, and I'm going to see if I can possibly meet with the Recycling Coordinator of the Alabama Environmental Council.


What just happened to me? What sort of vortex did I fall through, where I just became a civic activist?

Whatever. I guess this is it. I guess this is how it all begins. I'm hoping that it ends with me in the Peace Corps or an equally respective volunteer organization. My idea, though, is scary to just about everyone.

I want to meet someone, whom I can marry, who loves me for me, and who has similar desires and interests. I want he and I to join said organization and travel the world, helping others and raising a family.

Go ahead and cringe. Give me a hard time about how I'm "taking my children's childhoods away." Tell me about how much danger in which I'm putting my family. Tell me how horrible I would be to "raise them in poverty."

And, I can PROMISE you, I have rebuttals to all of your concerns.

Taking my child's childhood away....
That's funny, actually. I'm taking away my child's "American Dream" childhood. I'm giving them something totally different, something SO MUCH MORE substantial. I'm taking away something that our cush American society has driven into our minds as being "normal." You know, things don't occur the same way everywhere on the planet, right? I know that's difficult to grasp, because what do you mean "other places????" I thought the United States WAS the world!!!!

*shakes head & sighs*

The issue of danger
We're in just as much danger here, of being shot by a crazy person, as if we went anywhere else on earth. No, I'm not traipsing right off to Iraq or whatnot. I don't want to be in danger any more than I want my own flesh and blood to be in danger. Besides, I DO have the faith that no matter what, God will take care of us, and whatever happens is God's will. There's no such thing as "tempting fate." Fate is a proposed concept by humans. God's will is God's will.

For those of you who don't believe, I AM truly sorry if you don't understand what I'm saying. I've never blamed any of my problems on God or Satan, but I do believe that what happens is predetermined, and I'm just following the path I was always meant to follow.

Anyway, I would give my life to save my family. Even my "extended family." I would never even give it a second thought. And, if any of you truly know me, you know how difficult it would be to get through me to someone I love.

Raising my children in poverty
Well, guess what? Poverty exists. You just think it's horrible and disgusting, because you don't see it every day. Most people couldn't give a shit either way, and that's so selfish to me. I want to WORK with those people, side-by-side. I want my children to KNOW there is suffering in the world, but there are things we can do to CHANGE it. Someone has to be there to do the actual physical labor that has to be done, and I want to be that person. I want my children to live and breathe benevolence. I want THEM to be the ones who can carry on the change, when I no longer can. I want to raise them with an innocent sense of pride that they were able, through God's love and work, to make the world just a tiny bit better. What better way to teach than to experience?
No, Lord Jesus, I'm not going to have them living in complete squalor. When you volunteer with these programs, they try as best they can to take care of you. The Peace Corps doesn't put their volunteers in danger. I would never raise my children in a place where I would have absolutely no access to proper health care. I would never make them live in rags and eat with the flies. But those are the kinds of constant dilemmas we need to help remedy!

Are we just perpetuating these people & their scenarios?
I don't know.

Why has this neediness gone on for so many years?
Because there's always a need for help. There are thousands of children, wanted and unwanted, being born every day. The messages aren't always clear. Sometimes people revert back to their old ways. Easily preventable diseases can come through and bring an entire village to it's knees. WHO REALLY KNOWS?

Why not stay in the States?
Because to be perfectly candid with you, I don't like it here. The selfishness, egocentricity, and hedonistic attitudes of the majority of the people I meet here just does NOT sit well with me.

But, I dream about it!...To live in a town, in a house, WITH the people of whatever country, experience what they experience, teach them anything you can, learn as much as they can give you, make the same minimal wages as them, and work with other volunteers to make their lives better - how rewarding is that?????

Ok, maybe not to you, but it certainly is to me.



Anyone else want a chance?

It's been a while since I wrote. I know.

But right now, I just wanted to share this.

I got an email from some guy on a dating website, who had this to say:

It would be hypocritical of you to admonish people who hunt if you're not a complete vegetarian.

And, this was my reply:

I guess that's a good thing we're not dating then, so you don't have to date a hypocrite.

As if people like you would give a rat's ass, I'm ovolactovegetarian, which means I only eat eggs and milk, and that's only because they're in other products, not because I CHOOSE to. As I'm sure you WOULDN'T know, it's very hard to go complete vegan in a country such as this.

It's also kind of me be it that I don't FORCE my beliefs or my lifestyle on other people like you do. I figure it's my way of life, I'd like to keep it that way.

But I'm sure you're ALSO that kind of person who thinks all vegans/vegetarians have the attitude that we're somehow better than others. Well, guess what? That's not true either!

So, there we go! I've dispelled all the myths about vegetarians in one fell swoop! Oh, except the one about when you assume you know ANYTHING about vegetarians, that we become complete raging bitches - that one was true.

I love railing people after a hard day at work. Especially people I deem it necessary to deserve my wrath. Especially when my wrist hurts.

Some friendly advice? Don't ever date a vegetarian, dude. You'll just be looking at a lifetime of sleeping on the couch.

Thankfully, this asshole won't be asking for my number anytime soon. Gotta weed 'em out.


Dictationer needed (not dictator)

Ok, so I can't type very long, because I have a cast on my right arm, a nd it makes typing very difficult. Anyway, so I have this thumb spica cast on my arm and I had evrey intentionj of undating but now it seems thats out of the question...

Crap. Crap very much.

And, there's SOOOOO much stuff I want to say, BUT I CANT!!! you know what? I should get o ne of those talkey programs that dictates as you talk. I've got a lot of Valley Girl slash goofy slash slang talk. Slash probably some other things i n there as well.