Highly unlikely


Just so everyone knows, you're at least 81% safe around me. I'd rather starve to death than eat human flesh...or any other meat, for that matter.


I can has Purple Daze?

Daisy Rock

BODY: Maple Back & Sides w/Spruce Top
NECK: Mahogany
FRET: 21 Medium
SCALE: 22 3/4”
INLAY: Daisy
TUNERS: Custom Chrome w/Daisy Logo
STRINGS: D’Addario EJ-15
FINISH: Purple Daze

This is my next purchase. I only spent a billion dollars paying bills last time. And, I'm going to save up to make a down payment on a car. But, right now, I'm buying something to keep myself busy.

I think this will do the trick.

Imma lay down - I've had a killer headache since about lunch today. And, I've got a busy weekend ahead. Post again soon...


Tegan & Sara - The Con

I really hated this song the first time I heard it.

Now, it's become my theme song.

As in, I hear it everywhere I go...

I listened in
Yes, I'm guilty of this, you should know this
I broke down and wrote you back
before you had a chance to
Forget, forgotten, I am moving past this,

Giving notice
I have to go
Yes, I know the feeling, know you're leaving

Calm down, I'm calling you to say
I'm capsized, staring on the edge of safe
Calm down, I'm calling back to say
I'm home now, I'm coming around
Coming around but nobody likes to
But I really like to cry
Nobody likes me, baby,
If I cry

Spelled out your name and list the reasons faint of heart
Don't call me back
I imagine you and I was distant, non-existent
I'll follow suit and laid out on my back
Imagine that
A million hours left to think of you and think of that

Calm down, I'm calling you to say
I'm capsized, staring on the edge of safe
Calm down, I'm calling back to say
I'm home now, I'm coming around
Coming around, but nobody likes to
But I really like to cry
Nobody likes me maybe
If I cry

Encircle me I need to be
Taken down

Well nobody likes to but
I really like to cry
Nobody likes me maybe
If I cry


Encircle me I need to be
Taken down

I'm pretty convinced that everything in the world is against me, and I'm never going to be allowed to be happy. Just a little FYI, it's my psyche that's doing that. It's not that I don't want to be happy. I just...can't. The easiest and most graphic way to describe it is kinda like a paraplegic. It's not that he doesn't WANT to walk - he surely does. He just CAN'T. I know sounds incredibly egocentric. But, I'm just a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. And, those of you who took the SAT know it doesn't work that way.

I AM the Expert Beekeeper

mood: frustrated

I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind.

It's sleeting here, Jammy has both hands up under the bed (?), and Booboo is sitting in my lap.

And, the only thing that's coming to my mind is the phrase "Expert Beekeeper."

My mind is so derisively blank, I'm becoming a little stressed about it.

Work was blah today. We didn't do anything. I never do anything, it seems. It just doesn't feel like anything I do is going to make a bit of difference. I feel like Heather and I were just talking about the other day, that feeling where you'll never do anything else, at the place where you stand. You're just stuck. You can't move up, you don't want to move down.

But I feel like there's so much more to what I'm supposed to be or have or do or WHATEVER. I just can't figure it out.

Ok, here's the catch:

I want to get married.

Now, everyone scream and run away.

That's what I feel like I want to do.

I meet so many of these "prospects"...but you know, it's the always-present, never-changing dilemmas of "he's gay, he's married, she's a chick, he's just not that into you, he doesn't believe in marriage, he doesn't believe in God, he's not ready," etc, etc, etc.

How the flarg did I get myself into this?!?


Don't answer that, please.

Anyway, I'm so tired of waiting around for the world to come to me. But what to do in the meantime?

I don't know.

I don't know that I'll ever know.

Right now, I know someone's selling a Honda Civic Hybrid in the paper, and I'll be damned if that's going to be my car.

Ok, well, I hope it will be...

I need one or two things to be on the up-and-up for me. Just so I can have something to keep me going. Because right now, I'm pretty much sucking at life.

Frustration - unabated


UB, you suck

So, guess who's showing her ass again? Omg, it's actually NOT me for once! But I'm flattered that I would be the first person who would come to your mind! Nope, it's our usual problem at work, Ms. Satan, or as I think I'll call her, the "Usual Butthead" for lack of a better, more family-friendly name.

So, we're all sitting around today (it's been a dead day), and UB makes a phone call. She's sitting in the middle of all us techs and makes the remark to the person on the phone that she's NOT looking forward to coming to day shift, because there are several techs around here who just don't like to work, but she's got to do this until she finds something else (that last part told in a sing-songy voice).

Well, guess what, honey-pie? No one's looking forward to having you here. And, I can assure you that is pretty much the general consensus. We're ALL dreading it.

Now, I know that she's just narcissistic enough to think that what she said above is an incredibly "ballsy" thing for her to say, that she's such a rebel to say that in front of all of us, because AFTER ALL, she IS the greatest thing since sliced bread! I mean, if anyone deserves recognition for her work with humanity, it would be UB. (I'm SO totally rolling my eyes - that was pure and straight-up irony.)

Now, let me tell you WHY she's pissed. Among one of the reasons being because I was born, there were two portables that came up today, at the same time, for PICC lines, and they called to say the patients were ready for someone to come shoot the x-rays. I took the phone call, and then I told her, because guess what? It was my lunch time, and there was NO reason for me to not go to lunch on time. Plus, after the YEARS of shit she's put me through, there's no WAY I'm doing anything to benefit her, IN ANY WAY. I wouldn't take a dump on her if she was on fire. She's just that kind of person who says things, just so she can get a rise out of you. She likes to pick fights. Oh, and I forgot to mention, she's a 4-foot-tall, 50-year-old woman, aka. wouldn't you think someone would have grown out of that high school bully mentality by now? Well, not her. Not by a LOOOOOOONG shot. In fact, I'm betting that she's either bipolar or she's getting so old that senility is starting to kick in.

For years (I'm actually not exaggerating this time), this woman has had me ending up in Chris' office, in tears, with him backed against the wall, and me screaming, "ARE YOU SURE I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG??!?! WOULD YOU TELL ME IF I WAS???? WELL, WHY DOES SHE KEEP GETTING ON MY CASE??!?!?!?"

All he would say was, "Just ignore her. You know she's crazy. She's been like this for 30-some years, and she'll never change. JUST IGNORE HER."

This was a weekly occurrence, these confrontation/breakdowns. It got so ridiculous that after a while, I finally got a hold of the "just ignore her" part. You know what? I've got that shit down to a SCIENCE now. I can go an ENTIRE day without speaking to her, like she doesn't even exist. The fact that I'm wasting a blog on her is pretty ridiculous, but it's boring here today, and my mind is abnormally blank.

Anyway, work hasn't been so great lately. I've been real...itchy. I think I just need to take a vacation or something, because I've been here for almost four years, with no off-time aside from surgery.

Oh! Speaking of which...on to far more important topics.

I never blagged about it, but the last time I went to see Dr. Stannard about my knee (mid-Dec), I actually received some good news! I had x-rays made and sat in my exam room, until Wynne came and got me, to sit and look at my images with him. As I walked up and sat down, I pointed at the screen and said, "Woah! What's that???"

There was the TINIEST BIT of bone growth in between the two broken pieces, where the bone graft was supposed to be! It was little, but it was definitely there and it was definitely bigger than last time! I said, "What does this mean??? I'd already pre-scheduled myself to have surgery like the third week in January!" He said that apparently, the bone stimulator was actually doing some good, to stay off of NSAIDs as much as possible, and to still keep my activity low-key.

So, I forgot to even update you guys - NO SURGERY!!!!

For now, at least...

I go back next week, I think, to see if we've progressed any more. But seeing that tiny piece of bone in there, I was like "WOOHOO!!!!" I'm still on the bone stim, but I forget to use it every once in a while. My pain has subsided a lot, but I'm still going in to have an SI block on the 15th of this month. It's just because I have bad days, where it starts acting up and won't stop for anything. They're pretty few and far between, but they happen. I think this next block might be the one to stop all the pain I've been having. And, in the next couple of months, if I'm still doing good with my healing, I should be able to go back to the gym!

In l33tspeak terms, I'd like to just add OMFG D00d [)1$ is t3h UBER 1337 R0XX0RZ ("omfg, dude, dis is teh uber leet roxxorz" or "yo, this is awesome")

Just thought I'd throw that in, cause I'm pretty excited about it. Time to go home and catch up on some Degrassi! &=D

Btw, it's totally storming over here, so if you guys are in the warpath of Mother Nature, batten down the hatches and be safe! I'll see you guys after the storm!!!


No Utero, No Cry (my apologies to Bob Marley)

Guess what? I'm getting the Pie fixed on Friday!!!! I'm so excited! She's my baby girl, but this is the longest I've EVER gone before getting one of my cats fixed. And, holy crap, I'll never let it happen again.

There are nights I would just lay awake and listen to her cry and whine and go up and down the stairs and put her heinie up in Booboo's face and proposition and holler and howl and crow, etc.

Ahhh, it's been a long time coming. Now, I think all three of us will be able to sleep at night!


Booboo actually had some babies before I adopted her (her original name was Mama Kitty Booboo), and when she came to the Huntsville office, one of her babies was left there with her. So, I went, with every intention of bringing her home, and when I found out she had a baby there, too, I got them to bring her out to see her baby, but they didn't really like each other. So, I ended up with just her, which was totally fine with me, even though she spent her first week smashed between the cabinets and the top of the fridge.

Jammy Pie was found in someone's driveway, during a thunderstorm, huddled with three of her brothers. The mom was nowhere to be found, so they either wandered away or the mom had been hit by a car or something. Anyway, she rode all the way home in the sleeve of my jacket, because she was so scared (It's actually kinda hard to drive a car with a kitten in your sleeve). And, when I got her home, she was COVERED in fleas, so I bathed her in the sink at least once a day for a few weeks. I'm pretty sure she had worms, but we remedied that quickly. Pie didn't have a name, so I let Shelby name her.

Anyway, Booboo used to talk to me, but since the Pie came along, you rarely ever get to hear Booboo's voice, unless she really wants something. And they're funny - the play together all the time, but they never sleep together. Booboo will either sleep on her pillow, in her tiny little bed, in my computer chair, or in her green, plastic house. Pie will only sleep on a pillow or lounges on the floor, at the edge of the attic, which makes me a nervous wreck. Every once in a while, I'll go through a period where I'll let them sleep with me, but if I have guests or change the sheets, they have to keep to the floor - which I'm PRETTY sure they don't do while I'm at work. I miss having a door to my room.

Plus, I bought another one of those oil-filled radiators, so I put the old, white one by them, and the new, black one by me. On really cold days, I'll drag their beds closer to that heater and turn it on. You can almost hear them purring from across the room. They really are spoiled, and I really am a crazy cat lady.

Well, I'd be a crazy PET lady if I had all the animals I really want. I actually want to have a farm, where people can bring animals to "drop off" - that way, I can see to it that they get fixed, then they can live with me and run free! &=D I'll have to somehow keep everyone separated, because I don't want the dogs eating the cats, and the cats eating the chinchillas and sugar gliders, and then the otter pond will have to be cordoned off, so the alligators can't get in...but what am I supposed to do if the tigers and giraffes want water? I'm assuming the donkeys and elephants will have to be farthest from the house, so I can't hear them braying and trumpeting early in the morning.


I really should come up with a better diagram than the one I have...

Ah! I'm getting sidetracked. I'm just excited that the Jam is getting fixed. I hope this will calm her down a bit, but I don't want it to turn her into someone else. I like her just the way she is - she's my talker. She talks because I talk, because I've been talking to her since I brought her home.

We were afraid the same thing was going to happen to Jezzabelle after we got her fixed. But, it didn't. She was still the same lovable, crazy girl with whom we fell in love. Sweet, baby girl - I miss her. She'll be 3 this year. I still have to take her Christmas box by her daddy's house. I bought her like $100 worth of stuff. I bought the cats some stuff, too, but they're just happy if I bring in a cardboard box or plastic bags for them to play in, hide in and rip to shreds.


I did manage to find a fishing pole that I anchored in the closet doors. They play with that all the time. Of course, Booboo just reaches up with one of her massively disproportionate hands and grabs it with her disturbing, opposable thumb. Then, Jammy comes around, jumping and dancing like a goof. But I love to watch them, and they love to play with it.

One of my favorite things they used to do was, when Jammy was a baby, and Booboo would get in that crunchy, green house, Jam would jump on the back of it and make the whole house collapse. Booboo would come out, ears turned back, looking SO pissed. So, I'd build the house back up, Booboo would go back in, and it would happen all over again. I couldn't help but laugh, because this would happen like 50 times a day. I don't even know why Booboo likes that gross thing. I got it at Walmart for like $5. Her kitty bed, I got for my other kitty, Biscuit, who ran away when I was teaching him to go outside (hence, why my kitties don't go out), and their two giant pillows they sleep on, one is Jezzy's old bed that she ate the zipper off of, and the other belonged to another dog who used to stay with me.

Yeah, I'm kittified today. Sue me. Kitties are fun. I do want to get a dog, but I think I'm going to have to wait. Until something. Maybe when I get more money. Maybe when I move out of this house. Maybe when I find the right one. I want a big dog, but I want one who doesn't have abundant amounts of energy, one who's just happy sitting at home with us and watching tv. And, obviously one who likes kitties.

I know - I'm so picky. I like my dogs like my men - adorable and malleable (trainable). &=D

Ok, so I'm still sick, Amy said Shelb is at home throwing up (FEEL BETTER, LU!),
Dave went home from the hospital today, with some respiratory infection (FEEL BETTER, DAVE!), and one of our ortho docs has been so sick, he's canceled his clinics AND his surgeries for the past several days. It's been way bad around here.

In fact, I think I'm going to go sit in the shower for a while, disinfect myself.


Yodeling cats & bitchy nurses make for not fun days

So ok. I just got back from the doctor's office. I called in to work today, because I was feeling so horrible this morning and all through the night.

My doc thinks I have mono.

I'm thinking no, since it never is.

It started in my head (no, not mental, believe it or not), congestion, sore throat, bloody phlegm, the whole nine years, migrated down into my sinuses and both my ears, and now it's in my neck and throat. It feels really weird. I've never had this sensation before, where the outside of my neck is hurting. Even the underside of my tongue hurts. And, I'm having these spectacular headaches.

There was this lady sitting next to me, outside the lab, and she was hacking so hard and so loud that people were turning around to look at her. She belted out, "I'M NOT CONTAGIOUS!," then continued spreading her seed of death among us.

Then, I had to fight with the people in the lab, because he ordered a mono swab, and they said there's no such thing. So, I had to hike BACK to his office to get them to write me a note on my lab slip, then hike back down to the lab and listen to the woman practically berate me for even SUGGESTING that such a test exists. Lemme just go ahead and preface this by saying, I really, REALLY don't feel good right now, and now's not a good time to fuck with me. SO, she starts in on me, and I said, "LOOK, LADY. I DON'T work here. I DON'T know these things, OKAY?????? I'm just telling you what HE TOLD ME. You'll have to call him and take it up with him."

Just so you know, I don't normally blindside people with comments like that, but hey, Imma at the doctor because I DON'T FEEL GOOD. I'm really sorry peoples go to the doctor when they're not sick, but that's not my issue today, hokay? So, like, get off me.

It hurts when I turn my head, it hurts when I swallow, it hurts when I talk. I'm not ezactly working on Ms. Congeniality title today. And, people at doctor's offices should be more considerate. And, less asinine and offensive.

Anyway, he put me on some bactrim, but of course, if this is viral, it won't help anything. He said he's just going to treat me as if I have mono. I wonder if this means I have to wear some sort of biohazard suit to work tomorrow. I hope not, because mine's out for alterations.

I haven't filled my scrip yet, because I have other runnings-around that need to be done, and I don't feel like it right this second. I think I'm going to go drink some more green dragon, then lay down for a bit, because I feel...light-headed.

This is teh suck. I don't like being sick. I like TENDING TO the sick.

Ok, Jammy's smushing my papers all over the floor. Her time will come next week, when I get her tail fixed. She's been scaling the railing of my staircase like some kind of yodeling mountain climber, complete with yodeling...by a cat in heat. I can relate somewhat, but right now, I'm having that "I'd rather be living under the bed" feeling. And, since I'm still just a mattress on the floor, that would work rather well. I'm sure Aerospace Memory Foam mattress material works just as well from the bottom as it does from the top.

Let's check - zzzzzzzzzzzzz...............


My brain has a cold

I'm tore up on cold meds right now. I don't know what I've got, but it's making my neck swell and hurt. I called my doc's office last week, and they never called me anything in.


I feel floaty and weird, and my body feels numb. More numb than usual. Physically numb.

So, anyway, I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while. I'm sorta dealing with a lot of confusion and that whole biological clock thing, so I'm trying really hard to stay away from people. Sorry I haven't been taking phone calls...or making them...or bathing. I actually cleaned a bit this weekend, trying to make it somewhat presentable in here. But, I DO live in an attic, soooo.... My place always looks like I should be living in a moving van. I don't think I'll ever truly unpack until I'm in my own house. I'd love to have something real, something on which I could rely.

Did I say "someone?" I didn't mean to. Although, I was thinking it.

My mind is a complete grey cloud right now. I can't even see inside it. It's all muddled and sick.

It feels like it's all scrambly and bewildered, consumed by strange, nothingness thoughts.

'Course, right now, it doesn't matter, because I'm captivated by the cartoons. Mmmmm....I love watching cartoons. I'm hungry, too. I wonder what I want.

I want a someone to shake up my life. I want my sleepovers back. I want to get up in the middle of the night and go to the gas station, just because. I want someone who inspires me to take advantage of the freedoms I have. I want to stay up all night, talking, staring...dare I say - cuddling. I want us to take off work for no reason other than laying in the bed or having a day to ourselves.


Ouch. My neck is bothering me.

Ok, the tv is calling my name. I must answer.


Where did you come from?

You worked your way in too fast, and I wasn't ready. I wasn't prepared. I didn't know you were there, but I wasn't really paying attention either. I never do. And, then I got to know more about you, and it seemed the more I knew, the more I wanted to know. The more you were around, the more I wanted you there. The more I looked at you, the more I wanted to see.

How unfair. You've caught me completely unawares.

I'm envious of you, though. I'm envious of the fact that I know you can do so much better than me. I know that you probably should. And, while I'm undeserving, for you, I'm also unreserving. I have so much to give, in what feels like so little time.

Affection became an issue in my life, but it became more about rejection, an art I've perfected - somewhat unfortunately. Sometimes it seems I'm much more accomplished at pushing away than pulling in. But, it's because I don't want to be the one who didn't know, the one who was out of the loop, the one who didn't pick up on the signals. So, I pride myself on walking away - something I loathe but cannot quit.

It's strange, though. I go through the same thought patterns I always have. "I'm giving this entirely too much thought. I'm reading way too much into this. I'm getting attached much to early on." But it's the one good thing I can dwell on, where it doesn't make it seem like I'm at fault for something.

Narcissism? Sure. But in the other direction. The complete antithesis. The enemy. I've said it before: I need validation for existence.

I don't write because I hope you read.

I write because I need to think.

I hope that one day, you get homesick for me.