Stream of Consciousness much?

Right now, tears stream down my face, as I sit here listening to the sound of chainsaws devour an age-old tree outside my apartment. I have my headphones on, and I can still hear them.

I mourn for the loss and disrespect of nature...I always will. That's a part of me that I actually like, that I'll never change.


i told him about my thoughts revolving around the drinking and the cutting again, and he flat-out told me no

He said to divert my attention from the cutting and the drinking.

I'm trying, just so you know. I really am trying.

my body feels so hollow, my arms, my torso - like it's full of air

CJ: like a feather in the wind , only... now serene as most might think.
but helpless

me: yeah

like i'm floating through existence

aside from the tree, my mind is blank - i feel emotionless and neutral

swedish, if you will

he doesn't always respond, until he needs to - i normally just talk for 45 min

i was scared today, that i was so empty, i wouldn't have anything to say

but i did it - i filled the entire, whatever, 50 min with words - solid words, even if it felt like nothing to me

and he always seems to genuinely enjoy listening to me - he writes and writes, like me, which makes me happy

he remembers things, he can refer to things i've told him - he made a whole diagram of my family (including heather's) and the people who are closest to me

he said i'm still mourning for the life i lost

because my happiness was so incredible

i reveled in my life

it had it's crappy moments

but overall, i loved it

i didn't hate myself AS MUCH

but i didn't like myself a lot

now, i can't stand myself

i hate waking up and knowing i'm me
i can't figure out why i hate myself so much

why i always have

i disliked myself before aaron ever came along
but after i fucked my life up, i began the complete and utter, all-consuming hatred

i know it's in me

i do

but it's how to make it surface is my biggest battle

there are times that i fall to my knees and cry out to God to ask why He makes things so hard

but i know He's not "doing" anything to me

it's just the way of the world

it always will be

and all i can try to do is better myself

like you said, you always want to be moving in a forward direction - i'm the same way

but mine is more emotional betterment

or....

well, i don't know how to say that

i want to better the world

one piece of garbage at the time

Tomorrow, I'd like to go to the gym.

We'll see, though.



I just started reading Fahrenheit 451. What an incredible story. How profoundly prophetic. I even used it today in therapy:

"Cram them full of noncombustible data, chock them so damned full of 'facts' they feel stuffed, but absolutely 'brilliant' with information...Don't give them any slippery stuff like philosophy or sociology to tie things up with...bring on...more of everything to do with automatic reflex."

Right now, I feel like that's me - "...full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." I feel like I'm completely on autopilot. I don't like it. I don't feel like a dandelion seed, drifting through the wind, with a purpose.

*somber*

What a beautiful word.

People don't use words often enough.

Circle, Circle - Dot, Dot - Have you had your cooties shot?

Ok, so here's what's going on so far. No, car's not fixed, so don't ask.

I've somehow picked up the pink eye(s). I went Saturday to spend the day with Heather and her family and had a fantastic time. They invited me for Sunday service at church for Easter. I was completely willing to go...until I woke up at 6a the next morning with goo covering both my eyes. I wrote it off as allergies (because I had been rubbing my eyes a lot at her house the previous day, as we sat outside in the pollen-saturated air), but declined to go to service, because, well...I couldn't see and my eyeballs were leaking.

On to that night.

I'm sitting on the bed, facing the box fan, when out of nowhere, I slam my hands onto my face, because something had flown into my eye...or had it? I dug and dug and dug (I'm not very reasonable when things are in my eyes) and dug and dug and pinched and pulled and nearly pulled all my eyelashes out, when I finally went downstairs to stick my head under the faucet, pull my eyelid up past my forehead, and wash the damn thing out.

No good.

As long as my eye was closed, and it wasn't exerting any kind of energy (eg. looking in any direction, following my unaffected eye), AND I had my hand over it, it was fine. So, I made it back upstairs...in the dark...with one eye, and lay down in bed again. I reasoned that since the eye itself is pretty much self-healing, I'd just lay down and listen to some Futurama while my eyeball did it's magic. Sure enough, I woke up following two episodes, and I was cured! There was no irritation...but holy God, was is gooey.

I went back down the stairs (using two eyes this time), got a warm washcloth, lay down with it and wiped both my eyes clean and fell asleep.

I'll be damned if I woke up this morning with my left eye (the boo boo one) sealed completely shut with GLUE! That my eyeball MADE!

What the hell??!?

I opened both my eyes, only to find that overnight, I had suddenly become a pirate - with no patch, pegleg or parrot. The parrot, I could do without. But the patch and pegleg? Come on!

Anyway, I managed to pry my eyelid open, after much warm water and coaxing (ie. ripping of eye glue, eyelashes, and lots of cursing). I had to pick the rest of the goo out of my eyelashes, which has now resulted in my having three eyelashes to my name...or face.

I went to work, thinking I maybe had a corneal abrasion, that resulted in a ton of "under the cover of night, covert op healing, involving much eye glue" some kind of secret eye thing that I didn't understand. Because I won't lie - I don't know the first thing about the human eye, except that it's icky, and I don't like them very much. Except for the seeing part - that's ok.

All day long, my eye has itched, burned, swelled, turned red, weeped...and what did I do? I rubbed it, dug at it, touched everything and everyone within a 50 mile radius of me.

So, I'm guessing they'll be shutting down the hospital tomorrow, since everyone will be dead, because of me and this damn weirdo eye thing. I mean, who gets pink eye from a fan????

To top it off, I'd been rubbing my eyes so much, that I've transferred it to my other eye. WONDERFUL. One eye would never be enough for me! I wish it was my birthday, and that would make it ALL complete!

Soooooo, I had to coax my still-sick car to the Walgreen's, WAY down Green Springs, and we had to stop several times (I'm seeing all blurs at this point). When I finally made it there, at Terri Lynn's request (thank you, Terri), I found some homeopathic Similasan pink eye drops (Belladonna, Euphrasia, Hepar sulphuris, in case you were wondering). I also bought two Beanie Babies and some old-ass Easter candy, because I'm sick.

When you're sick, you get presents. I got two Beanie Babies, because I have two sick eyes.

Anyway, when I got home, I had to feed the cats, and when I reached down to move the fire extinguisher from off the bag of food, I promptly sprayed myself full-on in the face with it. I fell in the floor, the cats ran away, and I almost killed us all, because I totally had to open the windows to get air, once I regained consciousness.

After being infested with God-only-knows what kind of cooties and being sprayed with a fire extinguisher, I decided I might be safe in the shower.

Guess what?

I was.

So, I'm out and bathed, and I'm about to curl up and lay down with my Similasan. I don't know if they'll let me go to work tomorrow, but I'm still hoping I can find ONE SOLITARY PERSON who can direct me to some damn polymycin.

Otherwise, I'm going total biological warfare on your asses.

I'm going to walk right into the hospital and rub my face on everyone I can possibly get to, patients and all. I'll even stick my face in the lunch, so beware what you eat tomorrow.

You may be eating cooties.

One of our reps, Jerome, gave me the cooties shot today in surgery - circle, circle, dot, dot - now you've had the cooties shot.




How was I supposed to know my cooties were resistant???? &=(

Messing with my Bellsouth Voodoo dolls

Hi. Just wanted to let you know that everything is ok. My internet has been totally spastic at the house, so I haven't been able to do anything.

So, Dwane, get your tail over here and help me fix this P.O.S.

I'm updating from work, but I really shouldn't be on here.



Otherwise, I'm here, with a backlog of posts to surprise even the US government.

Talk to you all soon...