Stream of Consciousness much?

Right now, tears stream down my face, as I sit here listening to the sound of chainsaws devour an age-old tree outside my apartment. I have my headphones on, and I can still hear them.

I mourn for the loss and disrespect of nature...I always will. That's a part of me that I actually like, that I'll never change.

i told him about my thoughts revolving around the drinking and the cutting again, and he flat-out told me no

He said to divert my attention from the cutting and the drinking.

I'm trying, just so you know. I really am trying.

my body feels so hollow, my arms, my torso - like it's full of air

CJ: like a feather in the wind , only... now serene as most might think.
but helpless

me: yeah

like i'm floating through existence
aside from the tree, my mind is blank - i feel emotionless and neutral
swedish, if you will

he doesn't always respond, until he needs to - i normally just talk for 45 min
i was scared today, that i was so empty, i wouldn't have anything to say
but i did it - i filled the entire, whatever, 50 min with words - solid words, even if it felt like nothing to me
and he always seems to genuinely enjoy listening to me - he writes and writes, like me, which makes me happy
he remembers things, he can refer to things i've told him - he made a whole diagram of my family (including heather's) and the people who are closest to me

he said i'm still mourning for the life i lost
because my happiness was so incredible
i reveled in my life
it had it's crappy moments
but overall, i loved it
i didn't hate myself AS MUCH
but i didn't like myself a lot
now, i can't stand myself
i hate waking up and knowing i'm me
i can't figure out why i hate myself so much
why i always have
i disliked myself before aaron ever came along
but after i fucked my life up, i began the complete and utter, all-consuming hatred

i know it's in me
i do
but it's how to make it surface is my biggest battle

there are times that i fall to my knees and cry out to God to ask why He makes things so hard
but i know He's not "doing" anything to me
it's just the way of the world
it always will be
and all i can try to do is better myself
like you said, you always want to be moving in a forward direction - i'm the same way
but mine is more emotional betterment
well, i don't know how to say that

i want to better the world
one piece of garbage at the time

Tomorrow, I'd like to go to the gym.

We'll see, though.

I just started reading Fahrenheit 451. What an incredible story. How profoundly prophetic. I even used it today in therapy:

"Cram them full of noncombustible data, chock them so damned full of 'facts' they feel stuffed, but absolutely 'brilliant' with information...Don't give them any slippery stuff like philosophy or sociology to tie things up with...bring on...more of everything to do with automatic reflex."

Right now, I feel like that's me - "...full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." I feel like I'm completely on autopilot. I don't like it. I don't feel like a dandelion seed, drifting through the wind, with a purpose.


What a beautiful word.

People don't use words often enough.

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