Soon to buh-bye



Yeah, you.

I'm leaving this place, and I think you should come with me.

The cake - she is not a lie.

This isn't goodbye...

Jeebus. I'm about to transfer this bitch over to Wordpress, and I'm super-scared.

Um, well, if this doesn't work, I'm gonna be really pissed, and it was nice blogging, but I will be eating this entire computer (it's a desktop - there's quite a bit of it) if it doesn't go through successfully.

See ya on the other side. &=\

One-time mania



I think this is about as "manic" as I get. I had my first good day today. Like, first semi-good, got out of bed, intermittently did the dishes, didn't feel world crashing on shoulders day that I've had in a long time.

So, B says we have to go see a friend tonight. We go over to friend's house, which is hard, because I'm not drinking or smoking right now, to stay clean (and because of shit that happened, which SUCKED. But, I'll wait and blog about that, when I move my blog over...), and...well, I just need to do this. It's just hard for me to go over to B's friend's house, because it's all that regular nonsensical redneck talk - N***** this, fag that. And, it totally grates on my nerves. Like, my nerves on a cheese grater. And, I keep my mouth shut, because there are times where you just have to - everyone, now - choose your battles.

Incidentally, I HATE those battles. Because it makes me so angry in my head that I don't want to fight with words anymore. I hate that hate. I'm already DEALING with that hate. So, I have to just shut my mouth and look at the pretty stars, or worse - I end up as the babysitter. But, if I have to hang out with people who are stickier than me, just to get a word in edgewise, then I guess that's what I'll do.

SO. B had five out of a six-pack, one hit, and he was ready for bed when we got home. It was 930p. It is now 1242a, and I'm still bursting out of my skin. I suddenly have mondo-energies, and I'm feeling slightly panicked, for whatever reason.

Ummm...MONDAY. Monday, I'll be going to the career center in Alabaster. I'm really nervous about that. Hell, I'm nervous just taking the dogs out. But, this "Jennifer Joad" is going to have to be exercised, like a demon. I'm sick of her. I DO enjoy playing with inchworms and bees and letting the dogs out whenever I want and NOT having to clean up poos when I get home from work. But, she's scaring me. I don't like not being able to look people in the eye when I talk to them. I feel like an agoraphobic...and I very much am not. I've never been. I'm pretty lazy, and I do like my own space, but I've gotten to where I climb B like a spider monkey, when he gets home, and that is ALSO not me. Every time I do that, and he has to unclench my hands just to be able to go take a wiz, I'm like, "What the hell has happened to me? I've undone every bit of independence I've ever had. This is ridiculous. I'M ridiculous!"

I've been doing a lot on Facebook with animal rights stuff. Not that *I* have done anything - I've just been reading a lot, researching and reposting. Okay, so I take it back - I'm not doing much of anything, except hanging out on Facebook. Then, I look at the clock, and it's 3p, and - that's right - nothing's been done. I get REALLY depressed when B's not here, but I get really frustrated when he is. It's a lose-lose sich.

Oh, and the St V/Pell City gig is a no-go. They've got me marked as ineligible for rehire. Asses. I don't want to think about that.

Um...what else?
Oh, I cut myself again. It was the night of "hugest mistake ever, hence the no drinking/smoking deal," but it was also the night of discovering who my real friends...weren't. And, I'm over it. Exceeeept, now I have this lovely gouge in my left forearm to remind me. It's on the inside of my arm, about 8.5 inches long and extends from my first finger on my palm, a little over halfway down my arm. And, yes, I feel stupid. And, no, I don't remember doing it. But, I never said I wouldn't cut myself again. I've never made that promise. I never make promises I can't keep.

Yeah, it was a dummy move, but I did a dummy thing.......which resulted in being judged by a bunch of dummies, so there. I was upset at the time, but I'm good now. It was one of those "don't get fucked up around people you don't know" moves. And, I never will again. Yup. QB taught me my lesson. Even though she's guilty of that and SO much more, I was the one judged and ousted.

And, this is my response:

Rude. Yes. I know. And, totally not my style. But, I've already done my apologizing, and I'm finished. I've already felt bad, but the more I dwell on it, the more I realize that I was wronged as well.

Jesus, this is turning into the zebra ALL over again.

Which is why I'm glad it's over. Because it was ALWAYS drama. And, I'm too old for that. She's even WAY older for that, but whatever.

Back to me.

Hmmm....I think I'm going to play Dragon Age. I wish I could play Paper Mario on Wii. Actually, I wish I could just have peace of mind to just sit down and cross-stitch, but I feel like I just ate a packet of lit bottle rockets.

Fuck. I wish I could write something that didn't sound like a fucking page out of "Dear Diary." Meh. I will. One day.



Mmmmkay. One more time, I haven't been a good blogger. It's been a moderately stressful last week or so. And, when you live in the woods and don't have a lot going on, there's not really a whole lot that's worth blogging about.

I'm actually about to jump in the shower, then I'm going to head out, to fill out an app at a staffing service, since their web page isn't working. I'm trying to keep myself motivated to do things because, A) we're out of money, and B) I'm swatting depression off of me like naggy flies. My car is in serious need of repair and an oil change, of which I can afford neither, so I really SHOULDN'T be leaving the house. But, jobs aren't exactly knocking on my door these days. I'm suddenly a part of the "X-Ray Do Not Want" list, which blows, nor do I understand, but that's for another post. One day. When you guys are bored. And, I'm full of woe. And, can't find anything else to bitch about.

Fo' now, Imma go shower. I've got so much shit around here that I still need to do, but I'm not even the slightest bit motivated. I swear, if they could bottle motivation and sell it on the street like crack, I'd take it. I would freebase motivation. I'd even take it in suppository form. This is ridiculous. I know other people have those days of not wanting to do anything, but mine seem to be, um, EVERY, SINGLE DAY.

I hadn't been taking my meds, because I didn't feel like they were making a whole lot of difference, but sure enough as I came off of them, I started feeling worse than ever. So, they're doing SOMEthing - just not what I need them to do.

Plus, I can't figure out what of this is pure laze, and what is depression. Does it matter? Is there really a difference? Because I'm not getting ANYTHING done, no matter what it is. And, my feelings of "LOSER" are starting to set up house again, which makes it even HARDER for me to find that elusive motivation.

According to Google, motivation looks like giant boobs in a fish-eye lens. Yeah. That just makes me motivated to make money, so I can get a boob job and a camera with a fish-eye lens, so I can post my junk on the internet.

Oop - nope. It's gone again.

Okay. My smell is motivating me out of this chair. It's almost 1030, and I've got shit to do. There. That's my motivation for the day. That, and Jack's whining. Although, that's about enough to motivate me to run outside the house with no pants on, screaming.

Oh, yeah. Shower. Here I go.


Celebrity Watch - Animal-Style

I got to meet a celebrity and a survivor yesterday. &=)

I've got a super-stellar headache right this second, so I'm going to lay down. Just wanted you guys to revel in a picture of this handsome fella, until I get a chance to tell his story.


I forgot what it means to look up

Oh! Omg, guess what?


"A job" was able to get in touch with my aunt (AT HER SCHOOL) and find out where I was, because THEY WANT TO HIRE ME! She said it's likely to be part-time in the beginning, but OH MY GOD IT'S A JOB.

Now, get this: I DON'T HAVE A PHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ok. Ok, I have to pull myself together. I think I have a little money left in my bank acct. I can go get another card for Bryan's phone.

Oh, but first I'm going to brush my teeth.

OH! Oh! Oh, oh my gosh. I....OH! I have to go!



I talk A LOT!

How can you guys stand to read all this?

Jeebus, it's like talking to me in real life.

I just tried to read a couple of past posts (which as you know, I never do), and I almost bored myself into a coma.

No wonder my hits have gone down.

Anyway, just wanted to stop by and merely say s'up.
I don't want to get into thoughts right now, because they're the same as they ever were. And, as much as I LOVE reiterating myself on my BLOG, I just can't bear it. It's like shoving my nose in the shit I've made for myself.

In the meantime, I'll leave you with a picture, since I was up till almost 5 this morning, clogging Bryan's hard drive up with stuff that's funny at 5 in the morning. Don't want the fruits of my labor to go to waste:

Friends don't let friends eat hot dogs, period. PERIOD.


Please help me not give in

I sit here, soaked in baking soda, vinegar and tears. There's never a time in my life that this song hasn't applied. And, six years later, it still brings me down from scrubbing cabinets, to a genuflection of pure sorrow and pain.

Katie Todd

Breathe deep
in light of what is all around you
but don't speak
words are becoming your worst enemy

Seize the day
do you have something you can sink your teeth into
In a stale place
are you able to cry or make a silly face

At the end of the day
you just aren't the same

please don't give in

Are you set in your ways
is there room for change

*please don't give in*


Yeah, I'm fat.

But, I'm still me.

Dreams in blue

I had a lovely dream, that we met here:

I'm such an old-world romantic. I've never taken the time to trace my history, but I can assure you, I came straight from Italy (or Greece, which would make me even happier). That place has called to me ever since I saw my first photograph of of the blue-topped Grecian church in Santorini. I love that city. I'm obsessed with the lushness of Ireland. I love the history of Rome. I have friends in Bosnia. I've always been a world traveler in my heart.

It's been on my mind, ever since moving. Sometimes it depresses me to think I'll never know any other place than this. But, since a comment from a new friend, Agnar (he's a bird - I know what you're thinking - it will never work. The beak, the talons...but, I digress), I've only been able to think of anywhere other than here.

And, Greece, you're so on my mind.


Your joint is sticking out

Haha, wow. I was screwing around on my blog settings, and I read where my avg is 3 hits a day.

Which is weird. Because it actually hurt my feelings.

That was weird.

Oh, and the other thing is, I have no idea what this thing looks like on the other side, because none of the settings I make seem to take effect on my side (color, font, eg.). <-that accumulation of dots altogether makes me nervous. Anyone know the correct way for that? Any eggy-heads out there, pleeze advize.

Yes, which narrowly brings me close enough to what I was originally saying (Yep. I forgot.) - I think I'm getting around to picking up my skirts and headed over to Wordpress. I've already signed up - I've just been incredibly distracted (NOT for this post). BUT, the super-favorite thing is that I can have specific posts protected. Plus, blogger has actually become very, um...errrrrr......mmmmMyspace? Yeah. I need a more mature blog.

God, I feel like I just gave you guys a commercial:

WordPress - For the Mature Blogger

I'll have advertisements for Centrum Silver and dating sites for senior citizens.

Okay, right, so I have a little paranoia for getting old. Sue me.

No, seriously, you probably could.

...i don't have anything, though...

Honester than that...

This just popped in my head, for some reason.

I love this. So comforting. Like a blanket. Of hugs.

I'm with you in Rockland

where we wake up electrified out of the coma by our own souls' airplanes roaring over the roof they've come to drop angelic bombs the hospital illuminates itself imaginary walls collapse O skinny legions run outside O starry-spangled shock of mercy the eternal war is here O victory forget your underwear we're free

I'm with you in Rockland

in my dreams you walk dripping from a sea-journey on the highway across America in tears to the door of my cottage in the Western night

Allen ginsburg

I was going to say something...

...but I forgot.

I also just like being able to get on dis blag whenever I want, now. &=)

I'm trying to let go.

I'm still holding on to what I want to, though. Some things you just beg will one day relinquish their hold on you, but some things you don't ever want to release.

And, those are the things for which I'm sorry, but I'll still never reveal to anyone. (Well, there's this one girl...that I love with all my heart, who is THE only person who will ever know everything about me, much to her chagrin. Never met a friend like her and never will again.)

Hahaha, I LOVE rambling, when I'm too high. But, I hate reading it later.

Okay, I have to go or I'm just going to keep talking about nothing.




Who are you, again?



I'm going to start being more diligent about you. God knows I need it.

Right now, the trailer is in shambles, since we just moved in. I'm in the process of scrubbing out these smelly, old-ass cabinets, that have had funky old crap in them and closed and sealed off for over five years. Holy God, it's...it's almost more than I can bear. But, I live here, so it has to be done.

I'm paying for it right now, by wallowing in some pretty immense pain. That's what happens, though, when you've been fairly stagnant for the last year or so.

Still on quest to find self, as well as either finding happiness or allowing myself to be so.
Back on meds, which I'm NOT crazy about, but I'll do anything to not feel like shit.


Right now, I'm just doing the whole one day at a time thing. Sometimes I can't even handle the one day. I'm like the Monarch - I constantly hate EVERYTHING. I hate myself more than anyone else can ever claim. It's "teh suk," I assure you.

BUT, nothing else to do but keep pushing forward. Every day, I have the same fight with myself about how fucking tired I am, how I just want to sleep, how I want to just dissolve from this world. I have so many fantastic people in my life, though. It's your fault for me wanting to stay. &=P

I have to get off here and rest my neck for a minute, before I have to get back to cleaning the kitchen. I've got to get this shit done, since we're supposed to hang out with Laura and Cory tonight. Everyone knows I've GOT to have at least a 6-hr nap beforehand.

Miss you guys. Miss posting. Miss typing. Miss working. Miss energy. Miss happiness. Miss my best friend. Miss my little mom. Miss life.

Does anyone need hugs? Because I've got a TON stored away, that I need to give away pretty soon, before I get all weird and start hugging myself.



Because you know who you are.

Fascinoma - Don't Go.

Im walking this road
because you stole my car
im singing this song
cause you have all my cds
you want me to believe
in your love
and yet i will when you give back my stuff
give back my stuff

the gerbils are dead
your books have found a new home
under the tree
where i have buried your clothes
and you want me to believe
in your love
and yet i will
when you dig up your stuff
dig up your stuff

how am i supposed to love
my love is in this dark town

how am i supposed to love
my love is lighter then

if you go
if you go
if you go

don't go
don't go
don't go
don't go
don't go

im walking this road
because you stole my heart
im singing this song
cause you stole my cds
you want me to believe
in your love
and yeah i do cause i cant love you enough
cant love you enough
give back my stuff
you have my love

Don't go

My past life, all the retrospection, haunts me like zombies, constantly breaking free of the dirt and pulling themselves free of their cold, lonely graves below.

Happy Valentine's Day, strangers.
Hope yours is better than a mangled heart and tattered memories. Make new ones. Pick a time to start over, and leave everything else behind. This Spring, be born anew.

I'm going to try again, like I do every year.

Maybe this year I can get it right.