They have a card for everything.


I saw this on my AnnaB's Tumbler, and I totally stole it. (I love you, my AnnaB!)

You all know how MUCH I hate some drunk bitches. I say it EVERY TIME there's a drunk bitch within a 50-mile radius: "I hate drunk bitches."

Well, now there's a card:

I should probably just print a bunch of these out and start handing them out like business cards.

Not to say that I won't get a few myself. But, I just can't stand a person who doesn't have a drunk-wrangler. I ALWAYS have one.

It's the person (or persons) who wipes you off when you've fallen in an ant bed (Heather) or holds on to your purple panties as you're barfing out the car window, while riding down the interstate (Kristin).

I've had a LOT of not-so-proud moments, and sometimes I don't always FEEL like acting like an adult. But, those really horrific days are so far behind me...and for once, I'm okay with being a grown-up.

Please, people. Control your drunk bitches.


To the one who has my heart:

I miss you, and I love you.

I really want to tell you that.

I just wish you believed me.


I forgot how to stop loving...

Love, love, love, love him.

Don't know how long it's going to take me to work myself free from THIS shadow.

It really is a pain, when things don't work out between you and someone else, but your heart just refuses to accept the message. With Aaron, my heart stayed in denial for years. How long is it going to be this time?

If he just wants to see how far I'll go to prove myself, I'm all over that. But, you can usually tell when that's no longer cute and just becomes annoying. I wish it was the former, but I'm sure it's the latter, which is why I'm afraid to even try.

I understand that people just stop feeling things for other people sometimes. I don't know WHY it happens, but I know it's happened to me.

My problem is, I love this mother-fucker SO MUCH, that I feel like I'm frozen in my tracks. It's like everything can fall down all around me, but I can't afford to put my attention on anyone but him. I think I'm not even able to converse normally with others, because he's always at the forefront of my mind. At least *I* don't feel as though I'm acting socially normal. I feel like I'm constantly dwelling in a haze of him - which, no matter how it sounds, it's actually quite pleasant. It's been nice to reminisce back on times when things were good. I don't think they were ever properly healthy, but I do remember them being good.

And, he's worried because he said we DID try. Well, HE tried anyway. I was just kind of along for the ride, at the time. And, for whatever reason, I felt like he was a hindrance in my walk with God...and that was never the case (see lyrics to "She Left Me for Jesus" by Hayes Carll). I hate that I even felt like that was an acceptable reason to bail on him. I was afraid of the same shit that I'm always afraid of - I'm afraid of being the one who gets left. And, I have to get over that.

That's going to be HUGE for me, to finally clear that hurdle.

I'm okay, right now, being alone. I'm just bored, and I'm straight with being bored. I have people with whom I can safely hang out, not just a bunch of chodes who are going to try to take advantage of me. I like that. I'm okay where I am.

I'd just like to have him back in my life. Because I remember what it was like to be happy with him. Yes, when I was going through the divorce, I felt incredibly guilty about the happiness I was experiencing, like I was still cheating on Aaron. But, I'm finally OVER that! I can have my own happiness and make my own memories, without thoughts of him always interrupting everything! Do you know how excited that makes me??????? Ha! No, you don't, and that's okay.

Heather always thought it was funny that I'm a self-proclaimed romantic, since she's never seen it. I LOVE that kind of goofy stuff - leaving love notes, acting corny (and moderately nauseating), etc. One of my favorite things in the universe is being in love. I'm just finally able to do it guilt-free! &=D I know that sounds like a total cop-out, but I swear it's not. Trust me - if anyone in this free world is trying to get down to the root of my various problems, I can assure you I'm leading the expedition. Things have really calmed down for me, and although I'm not my biggest fan of the new and improved "calmer" version of me, at least I'm able to see things in a different light. I actually feel wiser, which is totally frightening, since I still picture myself as that retarded kid they're handing a diploma to and kicking out of high school, saying "welcome to the rest of your life! Now, LIVE!" Haha, that's STILL one of the scariest moments of my life. If my mom wouldn't have been there at that moment, I don't know what would have happened to me. (Thanks, Mom. You totally kept me from passing out that day, on more than one occasion.)

Ahhhh, I know. I talk things to death - things that won't change. But, it helps me understand...well, sometimes. And, it helps me work through things - always has.

I love him. And, I'm stuck. I wouldn't mind being stuck so much, if I knew there was something to it. But, if this is just another fruitless endeavor, to prove something to someone who cares nothing for me, then I'm ready to move on. And, it will be another X-amount of years before I'm over this one.

I wish he and I would have met when we were young. There was a point when we were growing together, and I miss that. I miss being "young" with him. I miss him.

I wish he missed me, too.



I have these words that want to come out. All these words......

I feel like I have a giant mental brick wall, holding something back...like a dam...maybe all the words I want to say.

Right now, I can stare someone right in the face and have no thoughts and no emotions running through my head. You could probably look in my eyes and see clear through to the back of my skull.

In my head, it's all deafening sound, but it's completely quiet. My shapes and colors and trains of emotions and raw feelings and heaving chest ready to burst with tears are silent, absent.

This is not a state to which I am accustomed.


I know what it is.

I've figured it out.

There are things I need to say to him, things I want to tell him, things I want to experience with him...

but I'm too scared.

I'm terrified to let myself think any farther than this moment, because if I do, I'm just going to end up being let down and getting hurt. I don't want to trick myself into making there be something there, if there isn't. All this faux-thought is how I get through. Pretending helps me make it through the day. But, it's completely unrealistic. Especially, when you're only HOPING someone feels the same way you do.

I could understand if he was nervous...you know, about getting back into the same THING we had before. It's hard to move past the primary point of innocence, when you first meet and you're still so unspoiled in your beloved's eyes. Our relationship wasn't initially based on friendship, but he came to be one of the people I trust most in this world. I know he would never INTENTIONALLY hurt me. But, you don't always equate "intention" with "translation."

He called me. Which is why I'm writing again. He never calls me. It's always in texts. I'm fine with texts, but it's just incredibly distant and impersonal. It's what you do when you're too embarrassed to talk to someone or you just want to tell them one thing.

He never calls me. Why now?

Should I ask?
Well, it's my situation, so I guess I can kinda do whatever the hell I want. (sweet.)

I miss him so much, it makes me sick to my stomach. I have daydreams of the way things would be, and I allow myself to get caught up in them, but only momentarily. Usually, I shake myself back into reality. I even dream of how things were, how happy I was. And, I was happy. The divorce was just hard on me. It really was. I felt like losing Mom and Aaron was causing me to lose my identity. I missed who I was. Sometimes I still do.

But, I'm different now. Things are different. SO much different. And, I'm different...but I'm better. I don't know that I'll ever be "over" depression, but I know that I'm over some drama in my life. I'm over pretending. I'm over trying to control things. I'm over trying to change people. I can do what I want to do, but in the end, things will always turn out how they were supposed to.

I wish I could just sit face-to-face to him and say things, all the things I need to say....and, know he's hearing me. One time, he wrote that something about me owns him. As sick as it sounds, what I wouldn't give for that to still be true. Seems things have changed. He's now the owner, and I'm the poor, pitiful puppy, who wants nothing more than to be loved, whole-heartedly.

Yes, I'm still trying to escape this, although I like to reach out and grab for the tender edge of that dream when I have a free hand and tug on it, when he's paying me attention. It's another reason I've decided to start getting out more and doing more things, meeting more people. Healing isn't a rapid process - ever. The circus protest this year was awesome, and I met a lot of great people. I just want friends. I just need friends.

What am I saying? I don't know what I need. I need a valium, is what I need. I need to stop obsessing over this (nice, that's only the second time I've used that term tonight = not good).

I know you don't read this, but I have so much I want to say to you. I don't know what it is, yet, but it's there. You know how I feel...I, once, left it on a slip of paper, on your computer desk. I'm sorry that I love you so much, but I do. I wish I could put all these weird, awkward, frightening, "OBSESSIVE," overpowering emotions aside and just be your friend, with no strings attached. But, I just don't think I can do that. I don't think that it's within my power to make that happen. I'VE TRIED to just not have feelings for you. I really, honestly have. But, I always come back to you. And, I don't mean in a way that deems you "my safety." I mean that you make me fucking happy. You make me happy and warm and fuzzy, and you make me have those damned hearts all over my head. I wish I could just sit and talk to you for hours on end. I want to fall asleep talking, about nothing and everything. I want to live the life we had, but without you having to live in that horrible shadow I was dragging around with me. I'm finally free of that. And, I want you to know I'm free. I FEEL free. I will always mourn for things and people I lost, the life I loved, but there's no point in living in the past. I'm ready to make beautiful new memories, with the man I love now. I'm ready to live a fucking real life again. I'm just no fucking good without you. You MAKE me a better person, just by being who you are...and I love you for exactly that. I'm so proud of who you are, and although we'll never agree on completely everything, you're the most wonderful human being I've ever met.

Just to show it's not all flowers and fairy dust, if you ever start dating someone who's not me, I will hate you, albeit momentarily (her, forever), and if you get married, no, I will NOT come to your wedding. Ever. So, don't pretend we're that great of friends, because we're not. I love you, but I love you with me. That's pretty much what it boils down to.

HA! Sorry. I just had to get that out. We had that whole weirdo "recent-ex comes to the door for four hundred hours, all upset and crying, while super-ex is hanging out inside, no this isn't awkward at all, so he comes back in and I'm on the floor, on all fours, having a fucking panic attack and screeching 'I CAN'T DO THIS!!! I CAN'T SEE YOU WITH OTHER PEOPLE!!!' " scene, and it went swimmingly (she says drolly, eyes rolling back). Actually, it went exactly like that, and it was horrific. I contemplated climbing out the window, but I was actually a little worried of how that would be taken. And, I was weathering it out, if there was any possible chance of us salvaging anything. Climbing out the window would have just been...well, something *I* totally would have done. Plus, I think that requires a bit of grace (which I do not possess), and I might have fallen and hurt myself, so that would have sucked to have limped around to him and the then-crying ex and explain what happened.

God, the rest of the evening was terrible enough. Not because of him, because he's always been good to me and calm with me and collected and thoughtful and kind. But, just because I couldn't get the image of them hugging out of my mind.


So, I guess the visual just made me nauseated to the point that in my mind's eye, they were making out on the front stoop, talking about getting back together, what to name their kids and what to do with that weirdo who was sitting inside, while I sat inside by myself watching fucking tv. Fuck THAT altogether.


Let's just say, if I'm ever forced to jump around in time ("hoping each time that her next leap will be the leap home!"), that won't be a day I'll be revisiting. Well, that and that horrible NON-kiss, but we won't talk about that. *shudder* Ohhhh, the days of my life to redo could fill the Bible, no lie. But, you know, if it all ends up leading to something good (no, I won't put the responsibility of that on his shoulders), then hell - it'll be worth it.

Bring on some good days. I'm hella-tired from fighting this current. I'm ready to just lay down and let it take me out to sea. I'll never lay down and claim defeat - although I've been ready to, many, many times in the past. But, I want to just coast for a while, see what's out there...see if there's anything (anyone?) waiting on me.

Peeyew - God, I smell fart all of a sudden, which is weird, 'cause I'm the only one in here, and I didn't do it. &=( Well, that's a pretty good segues to end this post, right? The smell of fart, and the fact that I'm super-hungry for cereal. I'll be glad when I have some moneys, so I can get that name brand cereal I've been dreaming about! &=D

Yeah, I'm sleepy. It's been a rough day. But, I'm gloriously tired and somewhat content right now. Just missing...him.

C'est la vie - here's hoping........

Can't you hear what I'm NOT saying?



He doesn't REMOTELY feel the same way I do.

How am I supposed to get over this? How the HELL do you STOP being in love with someone?

This "friend" bullshit is going to kill me - I swear it.

I could go right back into a life with him, but I know he just doesn't see it that way. He doesn't FEEL that way about me. So, why are we still putting on this friend charade? WHY, DAMMIT???? He KNOWS how I feel! Is it just to keep me hanging? &=(

I'm no good at things left unsaid. That's totally not me. I'm all about laying all my fucking cards out on the table, then going from there.

I just can't understand why he so badly wants to be friends. It would be different if we were building towards something...but I just don't think that's it. I'm deathly afraid of being used - but I will let it happen. I don't guess that conveys much love - maybe more along the lines of obsession.

Okay, well shit. That's totally creepy.

Fuck. I'm just going to stand here and get used, until I'm all used up. I'm not breaking another mother-fucker's heart. Fuck that. I'm not into the fuck-buddy thing. Maybe once upon a time. But, it hurts me.

And, this is going to hurt me.

But, I'll do it.

Because, I'm desperately in love with him, and I have no other way to tell him.


...I miss you...


Finally, an upswing.

I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry. Just had to start with my most important information.

I FINALLY got a FREAKING JOB!!!! I swear, I didn't see this coming. And, to be the tiniest bit honest (and a tad vague), I'm super-nervous. It's not a job that I'd particularly choose for myself, but I just need A JOB. And, as long as they'll take care of me, I'm good.

Uh, okay. I'm nervous about the state of my body. I'm worried I'm not going to be able to carry the trays, and I'll drop things. I've already been having a HELL of a time with my left shoulder. Lately, I've been having bilateral tennis elbow (worse in the left). How am I supposed to shoulder all this stuff? Not that pushing the C-arm was ever any better, but at least I wasn't carrying things. I don't know - I guess I'm just a little intimidated. Not even by the people - just the things I have the memorize and know, and I think the brown-nosery bothers me slightly. Although I'm REALLY, REALLY good at kissing ass, I don't LIKE it. I don't expect anyone to kiss my ass.

*Sorry, I'm having to make myself a note that my left ear is ringing. This is the only way I'm going to be able to understand that Ménière's thing I have, is to record all my symptoms and spells when they happen. I actually had a real dizzy episode about two days ago. I didn't have a full attack - just the dizziness and tinnitus. Anyway, back to more important things...

I went in today at 10, filled out paperwork, then they had us start shadowing people. It's pretty crazy, if you've never worked in the restaurant business. And, I don't care to smell that smell all day. At least a hospital always had that weird, clean, sterile smell. Fish makes me nauseous. But, they let me leave about 1, I went to visit with Heather, then I came back in at 4 and stayed till 730. My feet were killing me! Lots of standing - yuck. Lots of action - yay.

Also, my personal life is about to drastically change. Trevin's moving out (just as soon as either one of us gets money to send him back to Austin). I told him that it's just not working out, but I wanted to still be friends. He's been very understanding - I mean, we wouldn't have known unless we tried. I'm just not happy...same as I've ever been with anyone (other than the only two who meant anything). But, my mind keeps reverting back to the one. It's so hard...to be quiet and discerning. It's hard to look in from the outside and miss what you just gave away with both hands. It's not hard to be wrong - hell, I'm wrong ALL the time. And, I'm usually the first to admit it. Well, I was wrong this time.

I don't know that I'll ever get another chance...or even that I deserve one.

But, in the meantime, I'm working on myself. I'll never be perfect, but I want to be better.

First step - No more self-loathing.

'K, fine...

&=) I RAWK. &=)