Finally, an upswing.

I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry. Just had to start with my most important information.

I FINALLY got a FREAKING JOB!!!! I swear, I didn't see this coming. And, to be the tiniest bit honest (and a tad vague), I'm super-nervous. It's not a job that I'd particularly choose for myself, but I just need A JOB. And, as long as they'll take care of me, I'm good.

Uh, okay. I'm nervous about the state of my body. I'm worried I'm not going to be able to carry the trays, and I'll drop things. I've already been having a HELL of a time with my left shoulder. Lately, I've been having bilateral tennis elbow (worse in the left). How am I supposed to shoulder all this stuff? Not that pushing the C-arm was ever any better, but at least I wasn't carrying things. I don't know - I guess I'm just a little intimidated. Not even by the people - just the things I have the memorize and know, and I think the brown-nosery bothers me slightly. Although I'm REALLY, REALLY good at kissing ass, I don't LIKE it. I don't expect anyone to kiss my ass.

*Sorry, I'm having to make myself a note that my left ear is ringing. This is the only way I'm going to be able to understand that Ménière's thing I have, is to record all my symptoms and spells when they happen. I actually had a real dizzy episode about two days ago. I didn't have a full attack - just the dizziness and tinnitus. Anyway, back to more important things...

I went in today at 10, filled out paperwork, then they had us start shadowing people. It's pretty crazy, if you've never worked in the restaurant business. And, I don't care to smell that smell all day. At least a hospital always had that weird, clean, sterile smell. Fish makes me nauseous. But, they let me leave about 1, I went to visit with Heather, then I came back in at 4 and stayed till 730. My feet were killing me! Lots of standing - yuck. Lots of action - yay.

Also, my personal life is about to drastically change. Trevin's moving out (just as soon as either one of us gets money to send him back to Austin). I told him that it's just not working out, but I wanted to still be friends. He's been very understanding - I mean, we wouldn't have known unless we tried. I'm just not happy...same as I've ever been with anyone (other than the only two who meant anything). But, my mind keeps reverting back to the one. It's so hard...to be quiet and discerning. It's hard to look in from the outside and miss what you just gave away with both hands. It's not hard to be wrong - hell, I'm wrong ALL the time. And, I'm usually the first to admit it. Well, I was wrong this time.

I don't know that I'll ever get another chance...or even that I deserve one.

But, in the meantime, I'm working on myself. I'll never be perfect, but I want to be better.

First step - No more self-loathing.

'K, fine...

&=) I RAWK. &=)

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