Why do I still feel so fucking dead?
All I did over the weekend was go through old photos of my mom, my family, my ex, dredging up those happy, happy times in my life, when my life was perfect. I don't MEAN to do that - it just happens. I just want to see her face, his face, our smiles. I want to FEEL all that again.
And, God-dammit, I KNOW it's gone! I know it will never come back, and that I need to move the fuck on!
AND I CAN'T MAKE ANYONE UNDERSTAND THAT GNAWING, BURNING, SEARING PAIN, that makes me throw up at random, that makes me lose coherence in the middle of a conversation, that makes me lose complete touch with reality.
This is the face of "Major Cyclic/Recurrent Depression." This is what it's done to me. I regret it. I regret it all. I regret every fucking decision I've made since Mom passed away. How can it fuck you up this bad? I mean, your whole life, in the shitter?
And, you know what sucks? I don't even HAVE the problems other people have. I'm not starving, I'm not homeless, I don't have cancer, I have my entire family, who loves me and backs me, no matter what, I have an adorable best friend, that I would give my life for - my life is great, except for that MASSIVE CHUNK OF FEELING THAT'S MISSING.
Brains are fucked up. I'd gladly give myself up for research, to help others who feel like me.
*Bring it on*
I'm going to get back to me. I just don't know when. My depression is like a ticking time bomb - although, I never know when it's going to go off.
God, this sucks. I'm going back to bed. I already smell like a dead body - may as well portray one.
I'm sorry, guys. I'll be back sometime...