Hahahaha, there's nothing that hasn't happened in the last two weeks, that hasn't made me just totally go "WHAT the eff is going on?" NOTHING.
I was just awoken with the lovely, lotiony sound of my ex jerking off in the bed next to me. Because THAT isn't gross at all. You'd think people could maintain themselves, until they move out, or at the very least, take it in the bathroom. *sigh*
So, I just went in there to check on Jack and saw he has a giant, infected thing on his foot. I wasn't quite ready monetarily to take them to the vet, yet, but I guess we don't have a choice. *double sigh*
I start my new job on Monday, dancing my way into peoples' hearts, at Joe's Crab Shack on 280. I just realized, though, that I completely forgot to tell them about derby practice on Monday nights. I WILL follow through with this derby thing. Or at least, I'd like to. It seems fun and moderately therapeutic, since they frown on you killing the people who actually deserve killing. Guess this is the next best thing.
And, I got a PHONE CALL, from a person who's looking to bury the past (what he means is all the drama and bullshit he put me through), because he just got engaged (to the psycho who STARTED all the drama), and they want to be friends (eat me) and he's got this guy that he wants to introduce me to, so we can all double date (?). Okay, that last part just kills me. I'm not even going to go into the shit-storm that came from this, because it's not even that interesting. It's just annoying. And, I don't even know why this ass-hat still has my number.
IF YOU STILL HAVE MY NUMBER, AND WE DON'T LIKE EACH OTHER, OR WE HAVE COME TO A PARTING OF THE WAYS, PLEASE DELETE MY NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE AND MY EXISTENCE FROM YOUR MEMORY.
Let's just keep it simple. I'm done with bullshit. Yours, mine, everyones. Two weeks ago, I was physically attacked, assaulted and pinned down at work, BY MY BOSS, and had we been alone, I have no doubt in my mind he would have attempted to rape me. Not that I'm all that, but he's just THAT SICK. Plus, I've been this guy's personal fucking spin doctor, for his disgusting, corrupt company for the past few months. Now, I carry around a baseball bat, knife, whatever I can wield as a weapon, because I've just had it. I guess you could say I'm just totally over everything. I have my family (the members who accept me as I am) and my group of friends (ditto), with whom I'm comfortable. I'm getting a new job. I'm PAST moving on and have already MOVED ON. I've been so abused in the past couple of years, it's pretty ridiculous. And, I'm not putting up with it anymore. I don't give a SHIT what you think about me. Not a bit. NOT ONE. I've made my peace with everyone who deserved an apology or peace-making. And, I'm totally over the rest of it.
Strangely enough, I've put myself back on the internet dating circuit (circus?). This is my opener:
"Um, I used to internet date a long time ago. I got out of it because I thought I needed to go about the 'normal' way of meeting people, but then I realized it didn't matter - they're ALL weird, no matter where you meet 'em; the neighbors, AA, the zoo, prison..."
It's definitely going to be different this time around. I was disgusted when I got on there and realized what a meat-market it is. But, realistically speaking, I'm never going to start going to church, so I won't be joining any singles groups. It's just not me. I commune with God in my own way. I read scripture, I study lessons, but guess what? I'm judgmental, and I also smoke pot and drink. And, to be honest, I'm tired of hiding who I am from people. I can only be THIS way around THESE people, but around THESE people, I have to be THIS person. I suck at meeting new people. I'm the weirdo that stands in the corner, studying peoples' interactions. I tried to make eyes at this guy at the bar the other night, and it was like watching a plane fly into a crowd of people. *facepalm*
If you don't like me, then PLEASE don't bug my shit about it. PLEASE don't grace me with your presence, because SOMEHOW, I'LL BE OKAY WITHOUT YOU. Don't let me get my evil or drama on you, IN ANY WAY. I've never wanted to be a burden to ANYONE. And, I'm an adult now, so I feel as though I'm pretty good at making decisions for myself. I mean, I've kept myself (and three pets) alive for this long. My friends and (most of) my family love me. I make people laugh, and I LIVE to help people...so how badly can I really be doing????
I'm not looking for anything right now, just a way to support myself. I'm moving on from the last job (not without severe repercussions, though, of which I probably shouldn't discuss just yet...sorry. Our legal system is bullshit. How little rights a victim has, I never realized, until I actually stood up for myself, ONCE, and claimed "hey, I'm a victim." Shit. Don't get me started...). I'm happier with myself (okay, except physically) than I've been in a long time. And, the last thing I need is some fucker from my past popping up and trying to start shit. GO FUCKING BUG SOMEONE ELSE. SOMEONE in this world needs your drama, but it ain't me, I can assure you. Jesus H, I've got enough drama of my own.
Not all of it is bad drama, though. It just seems to be regular mishaps, one right after the other. Emily and I got stuck on 280, in rush-hour traffic, with a flat tire and no one would help us (except for Pete! Thank you, Pete!). Cory and I can't do ANYTHING without always ending up in some compromising situation, with angry lesbians or bad karaoke or something that requires a lot of fucking WORK. I don't get to see my Heather anymore, because she's so busy with her kids, and I MISS HER!!!!! &=( Mark and I broke up, and for once, I'm totally kosher with a break-up. We're still going to be friends, and no one is running from a burning building, screaming and crying. I can't believe I've actually maintained a friendship out of this one. Way to not fuck it up, Jen! *high fives for everyone*
We have, since, established ZKC, though, and that's been a lot of fun. Tabatha is an honorary member, even though she's living in Egypt or New Mexico or somewhere equally as far. We have our get-togethers, and they're awesome. Me, Cory, Kerry, Kristin, Heather, Mark, Joseph, AJ...Emily and Laura have since been inducted, and I'm hoping Layne will be our newest member. It's just time to get together and not have to fucking pretend. We sit around and laugh and smoke and drink (or not), sometimes we eat, sometimes we play some retarded board game, listen to music, talk about our problems, make each other laugh, we'll go to parties together and come away with some pretty harrowing tales of kicking bitches in the crotch, forgetting keys at the scene of a crime, getting roofied at the Blue Monkey and throwing up in the bathroom, getting blamed for breaking hookahs, people pissing in the middle of the road (no, not me)...and those are just highlights. We're usually fairly low-key, and it's nice. It may seem like drama (I never know what peoples' various definitions of drama are), but we're always laughing and having fun. I've never come away from hanging out with these mother-fuckers and been like, "shit, I need to get better friends." There are times, though, when we'll all go somewhere, then we leave, thinking, "shit, we need to find better friends."
Anyway, these guys are my main support, aside from my family, and I love them, dearly. They MAKE my life not shitty. I try very hard to return the favor.
There are a lot of changes happening in my life. I have no idea where I'm going, and for once, I don't care that I have no control over whatever happens. I've been such a control-freak over the past few years, and I just can't handle it anymore. I know that I'm going to be around until God feels it necessary to erase my mark. Until then, I'm going to do what I have to, to survive and not get my weirdness on other people. I'm still HOPING for the perfect relationship (eventually). I'd still like to have kids (or kid). I'm still hung up on things and people I shouldn't be. But, I'm a fucking realist. There are things in your life that affect you, for better or for worse, and all you can do is attempt to compartmentalize that "issue" until you're alone and you can deal with it. Sometimes that shit just DOESN'T GO AWAY. I still have horrid bouts of sorrow and regret, and, unfortunately, sometimes my friends are around for those episodes. They're so kind and loving, and sometimes all they can do is walk me through the fire. I prefer to have those moments to myself, though. Because my life is different now. I don't know a lot of the same people (thank God), and it's too hard to try to recount the various tales that make up my life, to all these new people. So, I bathe in my sorrow, wash myself clean with my tears, say some prayers, pull myself back together and move on. I'll never deny the things that have happened in my life. I just can't let them rule me. There are so many horrible things I've done, that I can never take back. I just have to pray that it's all leading me somewhere...somewhere GOOD, hopefully. But who knows?
If my suffering and desperation can help others, in whatever way that could ever be, THAT would be awesome. I'm more open with Amy's girls than I am with a lot of people. I don't mind telling them about the things I've been through, and though I always tell them that I know they're going to have to make their own mistakes, if they can learn from any of mine, it's pro-bono, and I'll offer myself up for the slaughter anytime.
I love to be able to alleviate the suffering of others. Trust me - if someone could try out for Jesus Part 2, I'm down. I hate to see people suffer. And, it's totally sucked that I've been the cause of others' sufferings. But, not anymore. I'll never put someone out again, just because of me being me. I no longer rely ON people. I prefer that they choose to have me around. And, if something happens because of it, just remember that really long waiver, with all that really tiny writing that you signed, when you asked to be my friend. Remember? At the top, it had the two check boxes - "Do you want to be friends? Yes or No. Choose wisely."
Being friends with me comes with peril. But, 95% of the time, it's kinda fun peril. Fighting for free wifi at Starbucks; spilling coffee in sleeves; picking strawberries at a Harvest Farm in the middle of nowhere, only to find out that you were SUPPOSED to meet these people; getting stoned in a parking lot after work; having a flat tire on 280 in the middle of rush hour; kicking this bitch in the crotch for talking shit about my friends (oh, she deserved it - trust me); going to derby matches; toilet pipes; sitting around outside, listening to crazy music, eating vegetarian calzones, while the kids yell for you to watch them swing and climb trees; sharing my hair falls with my best friend's daughter; holding my cousin's new baby; hugging my grandmother; getting hugs and kisses from my aunt's kids; working a booth at Do Dah Day, with Jack tied around my waist, only to have him see another puppy he wants to play with, and yank me to the ground, chair and all; four people crammed in my bed, falling asleep to the newest season of Venture Brothers; Mimosa Fridays; getting escorted out of the hospital, by a cop on a Segway; volunteering for Brewfest; joining a friend's organization, because what's important to him, is important to me; attending my first baseball game (and liking it - GASP!) with an old friend; and of course, trying to leave work, after being fired by a psycho, and having him take me down like a linebacker.
That's kind of a summary of the last couple of months of my life, and to be perfectly honest, it's been rather awesome (except the bipolar, schizophrenic, skeezy, hog-tie porn-addicted boss with the Jesus-complex part - THAT, I could have done without). I'm very happy. I wish I had an S.O. to share it with, but I assume that will come in time...or not. And, if it doesn't, I'll just keep being gloriously lonely and living alone. I don't know that anyone out there fits me....or if I fit anyone out there. And, if I'm destined to be alone, then I am. I'll NEVER force someone to do something they don't want to do. I'll never again attempt to change someone who doesn't desire change. I'm just me. And, I'm okay with me. It's been a long time since I've felt this way, and I'd kinda like to keep it.
I am a bit nervous, though, because I have had offers to move. My aunt Sabrina really wants me to come up to Seattle, and I talked to my aunt Amy and my grandmother, and they're of the same mind - if that's something that's going to give me a fresh start and help me grow, then I should do it. I just hate that everyone I love can't come with me. Plus, I'm not big on doing things alone. I'm not really super at making friends (Cory was my one exception, for whatever reason). I don't have the necessary social skills or proper level of self-esteem to just walk into a room with a commanding presence. Uh, no, thanks. So, we'll see what comes from that. I may just wake up one day and say to hell with it all and pack up and leave. I'm getting a little bit better at letting go of "stuff" and "things." I have this sticker, which I'm sure I've mentioned before, that says, "Let go. Attachment is suffering." And, I'm trying to let go. Of so much. But life is hard. It's never been NOT hard. It just helps to have people who actually give a shit. We're so busy and everything's so crazy these days, that it's hard to care about anything but yourself. But, you have to make time.
I've been meaning to post. And, this is why I should post more frequently. I have so much on my mind, AT ALL TIMES, and sometimes I need it to come out. This is what helps. This is my therapy - okay, well, that and weed. They're both cheap as free. But, Dave finally got my laptop up and running again, so I have to be careful of overuse. My other computer is kinda on the fritz, so I have to work on it. Aaaand, I'm leeching off someone's internet connection, which I can only do, when the wind is blowing in the right direction.
I'm making it. And, I'm okay. Except for my extreme dissatisfaction in my personal physique, I'm good. I'm, dare I say, happy? Yeah, I'm happy. &=) And, I have no intent to change for anyone or anything. I'm not oppressed by my job as an x-ray tech anymore. I choose to surround myself with good, honest, forthright people. And, all of this has changed me for the better. Don't mistake me - it's been a hell of a fight to get here. But, I am exactly who I want to be (maybe 20 lbs heavier). There will always be times in my life that I wish I could redo. But, for right now, I'm happy. And, I'm happy to BE happy.
And, now, I'm revelling in the fact that I get to go back to bed for a few hours. Later, I'll wake up, take the Mack to the vet, go volunteer for Brewfest, touch base with everyone for the evening, maybe play some Escape from Monkey Island or watch some Venture Brothers, go to sleep (my fav), then wake up Sunday and see what things I can get accomplished. And, if I get nothing done, then I get nothing done.
And, if you're one of 'em (you know if you are, or if you really shouldn't be here), thanks for being my friend and contributing to my happy. If I didn't have you (and you all know who you are, and how freaking special you are to me!), I have no idea where I'd be in my life. So, thank you. Thanks for being my friend. Things have been really crazy, but I'm thankful to have you all in my life. You each have a portion of my heart, that will always be yours.
I has a lot of happy. &=)