10.31.2006

a letter

this won't make any sense if you don't read my blog in order. but if you're just all about chaos, then you're probably in the right place anyway.

anyway, i wanted to share this, because although she's never been in my shoes, nor experienced some of the things i have, she knows how i feel so well, and i'll never understand how.

this is from heather, and i typed out my blog before i read this.

****************************

Hey! Get past the cheesy music, but, hey, you may like the music. All I ask is that you open your heart for the next few seconds as you scroll down and read the message. I was thinking of how to say what I wanted to you, but well it was forwarded to me....so I sent it to you. I couldn't have said it better myself.
We are going to get you through this, girl. We're going to let God in...inside this time and you are going to be healed. It's that simple. And if you can remember from a long ago email that I sent you....I have the flashlight. I love you bunches.
Heather
:-P

Hello God,
I called tonight
To talk a little while
I need a friend who'll listen
To my anxiety and trial.
You see, I can't quite make it
Through a day just on my own...
I need your love to guide me,
So I'll never feel alone.
I want to ask you please to keep
My family safe and sound.
Come and fill their lives with confidence
For whatever fate they're bound.
Give me faith, dear God, to face
Each hour throughout the day,
And not to worry over things
I can't change in any way.
I thank you God for being home
And listening to my call,
For giving me such good advice
When I stumble and fall.
Your number, God, is the only one
That answers every time.
I never get a busy signal,
Never had to pay a dime.
So thank you, God, for listening
To my troubles and my sorrow.
Good night, God, I love You too,
And I'll call again tomorrow!

**************************************

i thought the part about the flashlight was a little uncanny, considering my prison in the dank basement. but that's why we're best friends. because God put her here, and she always knows what to say. i wish i could, someday, be the same for her. i wish i could, someday, be the same for everyone.

the girl in the basement

mood: lost

i had to call the doc yesterday, so i'm waiting to hear back from him. i've actually TOLD some people, "hey, guess what? i don't feel good," and they're actually not mean to me. i still don't understand that, i think. i still expect for no one to believe me and laugh me off like every other hypochondriac out there. i mean, i know i am, but not many hypos would work so hard to make themselves well again, i would think. right? i don't know. i just try to self-diagnose me, so that the doctor either won't have to work so hard or make sure we cover all the bases, so that no one's leaving any possibility out.

incidentally, for those of you who are new to this story and haven't already figured it out thus far, they diagnosed me with depression and anxiety 7 years ago, right after my mom died. as you can tell, i experience periods of highs and the lowest of lows. this has been a low swing that has lasted particularly long, and i'm distressed as to why that is. i'm normally able to take my meds and block things out and not have regular emotions. but sometimes i have periods where i function normally - cry when i'm supposed to cry, be happy when there's a time for happiness, etc. it's not that often, though.

my mind is drifting right now, so i guess i can't type long. i don't want to bore anyone (much less myself) with the ramblings of the things rolling around in my head. i can't focus on anything except that i'm looking forward to going to the doctor on friday. it's just for blood tests, but maybe something will turn up. something. i'm PRETTY sure this isn't a contraindication of low iron, so i'd appreciate it if people would stop saying i feel like this, just because i don't eat meat. that really pisses me off. had you LIVED in my body for the past decade, i'd give you free reign to say whatever you like about me.

but you weren't here.

you weren't here when i was in high school. you weren't here when i lived with my mom. you weren't here when i started jack state, or met aaron, or BRIEFLY touched heaven while i lived the perfect life. you weren't here when i lost my mom, the only part of life that i could fully trust and that made any sense. you weren't here when i got married. you definitely weren't here when sex with my own husband became awkward, and i started feeling like i was going out of my mind. you weren't here when i screwed around or had to tell aaron about the things i'd done. you weren't here fighting the fucked-up thoughts i couldn't escape, when all i wanted to do was be happily married. you weren't here when i met my best friend. you weren't here when i got my first apartment or experienced my first (and last) rape. you weren't around when aaron started dating someone else and finally told me he wanted a divorce. you didn't sign the papers. you didn't know what it felt like to give up on all that. you didn't cry those tears. you didn't stand on the edge of a bridge, looking down. you didn't take too many pain meds. you didn't cut yourself with a broken mirror. you didn't always chicken out and call someone, because you were too afraid to leave this life, because someone might NOT be on the other side, waiting for you. you didn't fall asleep on a pillow soaked with your own tears. you didn't try to have relationships with other people, and because of your past, it totally fucks everything up. you don't have to look at ME in the mirror and realize how quickly all this has made you age, and how short it makes life seem. you don't have MY thoughts in your head that tell you over and over that you're NOT good enough, no matter what anyone tells you, and because of your past you'll NEVER amount to anything for anyone. you don't have to tell yourself that you HAVE to go to work today, because if you don't, you know you'll just lay there in the bed, day in and day out, and just rot, because even though you have SO MANY PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU, it doesn't seem to make a difference, and that just makes you feel like a selfish, thankless jerk.

.................

.................

.................

next time you live MY life, let me know. because if anyone could do any better, with the shit that i've dealt with, please. feel free. because i've screwed it all up. and all i can do is pick up from where i am, every single day, and move on - again and again. i keep hoping that THIS will be the day that i don't fuck up - i mean, maybe i can be an adult today and not feel the need to retreat in some way. i'm not saying everyone doesn't have problems, and i'm not saying my problems are any worse than anyone else's. i'm just saying i don't think i was cut out for THIS life. this isn't the way i wanted things to be. i'm not very good at hurting anymore. i feel like my normally impenetrable walls are weakening. you'd think for as long as this has dragged out, i'd get a little better at it. but i haven't. i just suck at it. once again, i'm floating in that void-filled oblivion, no direction, no muse, no support from myself, no inspiration - only thoughts of the past and dreams of what the future could have been.

so many people care about me. i know this is a completely unnatural segues, but this is why thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. i could never give enough thanks to God, for taking care of me. i know He's not making this stuff happen to me. He's given me free will, and i do with it what i will. i can never give enough thanks to my friends and family. i rarely open up the floodgates around my family (heather gets the brunt of most of that), but whenever i do, they're always there with open arms, hugs, prayers, encouragement and even advice, if i need it. i really don't know how they've all put up with me for as long as this has dragged on. i don't know that i'll ever understand.

i just want to be good. i want things to be good. i want to do good things. i want to have a life that i don't resent. i want to wake up next to someone that i love and respect (as i once did) and hope they're not repulsed by me and my closet o' skeletons. i want to be able to do things i want to do, while there's still time to do them. i want to pull people into my gravitational field because of my goodness, instead of my insurmountable depression. i want to be glad i have friends, instead of in constant worry because i might do something to hurt someone...again.

i was originally going to call my blog "the girl in the basement," but something made me decide against it. i feel like i've been trapped in this stifling darkness, with tiny glimpses of light through the smallest windows ever.

i want out of the basement, and i can't find the key.

10.30.2006

more of the same crabs

why the HELL do these people keep asking me questions? doesn't the look of "GO TO HELL" convey properly on my face? i mean, everyone ELSE says i make myself unapproachable. so why is it, when i attempt to MAKE myself really, really spikey and offputting, do people deem it necessary to ask me a FRIGGING QUESTION???

omg, what is UP with me today, anyway? oh. i think i forgot to go to the bathroom this morning. maybe that's it. or not. or maybe i just need to sit in the corner very, very quietly and read for the rest of the entire day forever. i'm reading "with a tangled skein", btw. it's really good. and i'm horribly foul. i feel like the whole FSSSSHHHHHHIIISSSSSSS!!!! or whatever that scowling, wired-up, mad cat sound is they make. that's probably how you spell it. probably.

my f*'g job

mood: belligerent

see, this is the kind of shit that bugs me to death. my boss puts up on the board, "thank you for all those who volunteered for extra shifts." you know who volunteered for all those extra shifts?

me.

so, instead of thanking me, personally, because that would require effort or something GAY on his part, he puts it up on the board, to suggest that 500 other people have put themselves out in order to pull the weight of the department. well, you know what? you're not welcome, because i need the money. i wish i could say that i DON'T care about if the department has enough people, but i can't. i'm retarded like that. i worry about how things go when i take a day off or call in. i know the building isn't going to catch fire or everyone is going to lose their jobs. but it's just that "work ethic" that my family so graciously bestowed upon me. thanks, guys.

i had a pretty crappy weekend, and for some reason, i don't anticipate this week as being very great. something's in the wing, and i don't know what, but it's not good. it's probably just my defunctory "women's intuition" - but it ain't good, whatever it is, and i'm ready for it to stop taking up residence in my chest, dammit. my mood has been terribly foul as of late, and i apologize to any of you who might be subjecting yourself to reading this. this is not my normal demeanor. and once again, i had brief glimpses into the past me this weekend - maybe i'm envious that i can't evoke those feelings of "me" more frequently than i do. i just want to be free of this burden, whatever it is. i want to let go of everything. not necessarily responsibility per se, but of this weight that i've been carrying around for the past 7 years. but i can't identify what it is, so how can i let it go?

god, it feels so close to the surface, like something is about to explode out of my chest - something that i don't want in me. but it's like i'm too afraid to let it go. or keep it in. or something. i don't know - it's just there, and i wish it wasn't. how do you let go? i've tried to pray. i've tried meds. i've tried talking. i've tried banging my head on the wall. nothing seems to work. if i thought that it was doing any good, like sucking up all the ills of the world, i might be less inclined to complain. but since it's not doing anyone any good, me being how i am, i'd rather just kill it where it lies. i don't want to bury it, because as everyone knows, that always has a tendency to poison the water, and i don't really want that.

god, blah, blah, blah - i don't really know what i'm saying. nothing that's making a difference in the world, and that's all i really want to do. i don't care about seeing my name in lights or in the paper or anything like that. i want to make people happy, make people laugh, help people get along in their lives. i don't want to get into all that right now, because that's a whole new bowl of cereal, and that's what my tummy is thinking about right now.

anyway, here ya go. where's my paddywagon? i need to take a nap in the padded room. *sigh*

10.28.2006

stinky kitty farts

mood: drained

this bitchy blog is a bitch. my shit never shows up on here. anyway, i'm not feeling too great (it's head stuff - don't ask), so not only will i NOT be attending a halloween party tonight (with a bunch of pre-teens), but i'm pretty sure i won't be dressing up for halloween this year. i don't know - it's just not in me. i'm kinda lost in my depression and probably will be for a while.

BUT, this is my living will for the next few up and coming months. SINCE halloween is one of my favorite holidays, and i won't be dressing up this year, i have FREE REIGN until the end of the year of 2006, and i may extend it into the first part of 2007, to dress as weird as i want and not only purchase a new pair of hairfalls, but wear them wherever i damn well please.

so, there. IF YOU SEE ME anywhere outside of this house, and i'm running around like a deranged lunatic, wearing a homemade full bodysuit of aluminum foil, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT, so shut the hell up. it's been a helluva year for me, and it ain't gettin any better any quicker. well, mildly. i'll say that much. otherwise, NO. the word for the rest of this year is NO. and the rest of it is BITE ME.

i'm going to wander around the house aimlessly, until i run into someone i know. then, who knows where things will go from there? i'm so hungover from everything, i don't even know what i'm saying anymore. this makes no sense. but i don't care. all i know is i'm eating cake for dinner tonight.

NO. BITE ME.

10.26.2006

just leave the crazy ones alone

ok, so here's how the conversation went:
(i'll be playing the part of "m" in this)
m = me
h = him

h - "hey, so how come you never call me anymore?"
m - "..........i don't know."
h - "you don't want to be my friend?"
m - "........i guess not."
h - "why not?"
m - "...because it's incredibly awkward for me?"
h - "it doesn't have to be - it can be fun!"
m - "...not for me."
h - "well, you need a good friend."
m - "i already have one."
h - "well, you need another one."
m - "no, i don't."
h - "wow, that's cold."
m - "well, i'm a cold-hearted bitch."
h - "well, don't ever say i never tried to be your friend."
m - "i never did."

then, i don't remember what else he said, because i hung up. i'm getting pretty good at hanging up on people, when i'm finished talking. the conversation lasted less than 3 min.

you know, i tried to be this person's friend, and i couldn't. i just couldn't. I TRIED. but i still feel too much. and i just can't. why can't people just leave me the fuck alone? don't people know that i'm so fucked up that there's no hope for anything??? what have i done to this world that it feels the need to kick me constantly? i've been having such a horrible time lately, and i've tried desperately to stay the course. i haven't wallowed in my sadness. i haven't done things to refresh these wounds that have healed so unevenly. all i've done is try to build myself up and encourage myself, again and again, with no one else's help. and i don't WANT help! i'm doing so well! well, not really, but a little bit! and a little is better than none at all.

so, he calls. why? what the hell do you want from me? i can't GIVE you what you're asking! i tried to! and i failed miserably! just because YOU feel ok, doesn't mean i am. i mean, i'm all for people taking chances and speaking up when they feel they may never have another opportunity. so i guess i'm unfairly accusing him. i'm just still hurting. hell, i'm still hurting from my LAST failed relationship.

i'm pretty sure that i'll never be in another "normal" relationship again. that's ok, though. i've kind of accepted it. my mom never remarried. why should i? i haven't found anyone who can...put up with me. and that's ok. i'd rather be alone than with the wrong person...kinda like now...wrong person...hmmm...

i've just been so tired lately. i have a doc appt in two weeks, and i'm hoping he'll find something wrong for once. i got in trouble for falling asleep at work, a few days ago, and i didn't mean to. i'm just SO TIRED, and i haven't done anything to deviate from my normal schedule. i haven't even been working at my second job a lot. and i'm eating. and i'm fine. except i just feel like i have molasses for blood and all my body parts weigh about 1000 lbs each.

god, i feel like my heart is being ripped open again. i hate my heart. i hate my emotions. there's not one redeeming quality i can find in myself. all i'm doing is sucking up all the good air, taking up space. I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M HERE. and i don't really care right now. wah wah wah, bitch, moan, gripe. god, i get sick of hearing myself, being in my head, having my thoughts.

i don't KNOW why anyone would want to be friends with me - to feel better about themselves? you know, i've never been friends with any ex's. i've never been able to. it's always...awkward. like this. i want to. i just...can't. i guess i wasn't finished caring. it started kind of against my will. i just wanted a dummy - someone to pawn my leftover emotions off of from aaron. and i fought it, day after day. then it ended abruptly. that's when i had started to realize there was something there. so i forced myself to stop, after it had burrowed its way in and become a permanent fixture in my life.

so, ONCE AGAIN, i was forced to give up on something i wasn't finished with. for the second time. this is the SECOND TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED. first with aaron, now with phil. what the hell? no, i mean, REALLY, what the hell? what is it? what am i supposed to be doing? why does this stuff always have to be ongoing? why does it have to linger? why can't when I move on, OTHER PEOPLE move on and vice versa? i can't even get my shit together. i mean, not that him wanting to be friends with me is me doing him some great honor, but it's just that i can't perform ONE SIMPLE TASK of being a friend. i cannot physically BRING myself to do it. i can't block the emotions from coming. i'm having a hard enough time blocking the tears that are welling up behind my eyes. i have to keep telling myself that i can't do this at work. i can't allow myself to feel like this. not here, not anywhere, not now, not ever. because what good will it do? nothing!

i mean, at least i was honest! i could tell him, "sure, i'll be your friend, but i'll never call, i'll never be around." or i could come around and just constantly act awkward while having to suppress my feelings - yeah, THAT would work. like i'm not a human mirror of emotions: *while crying* - "i'm NOT crying! my eyeballs are sweating!"

people who want to hurt me - just leave me alone
people who love me - you leave me alone, too
people who i love - i'll leave you alone
people i don't know - just stay away

now, i'm going to buck up, put on a big, false face, walk down to the caf like there's nothing wrong, and get some lunch and try to force it into my sick, distraught gullet, so that no one notices that anything's wrong, even though i don't FEEL LIKE DOING ANY OF THIS. then after lunch, when i go to the bathroom, i might decide to tear the bandage off the wound and cry out for a brief moment, put the bandage back on (where no one can see it), and get back to work. can't do it at home, because ricky's there, and i hate when people ask questions. i don't want anyone to ask about this. because i don't have the answer - ANY answer.

just leave me alone. i'm doing fine without you.

10.25.2006

audition piece

i started thinking, and i realized that if i intend to go through with this acting thingie, i'll have to have an audition piece prepared. so i found the screenplay to "sense & sensibility" by jane austin, and i'm using a part from it.

back when i was in junior college, i had to do a dramatic reading in speech class, and i loved the part in that movie where elinor & marianne are arguing about elinor's missive behavior towards someone she so obviously cares for. marianne taunts and presses her on the issue, and elinor finally explodes and tells her everything that's been weighing on her mind. emma thompson plays elinor, and her passion in the part is just so powerful and emotional, it's one of the pieces that inspires me. so, when i was in school, i thought i'd do that part, and i had it all typed out and nice-looking but had made it to class without it! so, i got up there and explained to the professor what had happened, but i went on and did it, without missing a beat. after i got done, i looked up, and the professor's mouth was hanging open, and one of the kids up front spoke up and said, "you just did that from memory?"

my teacher later told me that i needed to get the hell out of art and go directly into acting. needless to say, i never did, and i've always regretted it.

i have to say, that's the ONE BRIEF MOMENT in my life that i was proud of myself. no, really. i can't believe i was able to get my fat head through the doorframe.

this guy...

somewhere, somehow, this guy has an uplink to my brain/heart (not that difference much matters), and he's drawing the things that i don't know how...

http://xkcd.com/c104.html

this is straight out of my head...i mean, heart.

thanks, guy. makes me feel not quite so...misunderstood and alone.

good comics...for me, not you

http://xkcd.com/c75.html
woah, i am SO glad that i'm not the only person to whom this happens. this is the reason that i'll never find a good, stable relationship....among many, many other things.

i'm playing the part of the guy in this one.

http://xkcd.com/c46.html
also, this one is my favorite...ever.

and i don't know why they're not showing up, but i'll research this later...when i FEEL like it.

10.24.2006

*the star*

tiny post.
i know, i always say that, and it's always longer than necessary, because i'm a talker.

but, first thing's first:
i got a new baby! here's her pic:
her don't gots a lil name, yet! but i'm working on it. i was looking through some greek names, but i'll post on that later. otherwise, anyone come up with anything smart and unusual, lemme know. she was stray, and even though you can't tell by the pic, she's not much bigger than the palm of my hand. and she doesn't even have a meow, yet - she just squeaks! as loud and as hard as she possibly can! she's adorable, and she's the BIGGEST LOVER! she purrs and climbs all over me. but, omg, booboo hates her. i keep trying to assure her that the new kitty is actually for HER, not me, but she's not buying it...yet.

ok, so next, i just back from b&n, spending my birthday gift card - THANK YOU, DAVE! &=) and i got some old school stuff:

cs lewis - the magician's nephew (already read it, but it's a BEAUTIFULLY written book)
cs lewis - the lion, the witch & the wardrobe (haven't read it, yet)
roald dahl - charlie & the chocolate factory (i hear it's MUCH different & darker than the kid-friendly movie)
lewis carroll - alice's adventures in wonderland & through the looking glass (i've only recently started hankering to read this)
piers anthony - with a tangled skein (3rd in this series - i liked the 2nd and LOVED the 1st)
upton sinclair - the jungle (i've been dying to read this for about 2 years, but have, for some reason, never picked it up)

so, i'm really excited about my books. i'm still diligently working on atlas shrugged - ayn rand, but i have to put it down and walk away every so often. so, maybe these will provide a much-needed brain break from that. it's apparently deeper than i was ready for right now. i still have a lot on my mind.

and finally....(drum-roll, please)...i have an audition coming up on nov 2! it's for a movie called "interplanetary," and it's by the same guy who did "hide & creep," which won some things at the sidewalk film festival a couple of years ago. i'm really, really excited! i know you can't read my swirling thoughts and upset tummy through all this, but i assure you, it's there! i went to see a play "veronica's room," written by ira levin, (who also did "rosemary's baby") this weekend, and it sparked back up my interest in getting in to acting. so he talked to his friend, who was actually in the play, and he told me where to start doing some research. so when i started today, i ran across this site that gives you these various open casting calls in the birmingham area. i emailed one of the guys, and he em'd me back, and was like, "can you come nov 2, 5-8p @ workplay?" i was like, "HO-LY CRAP!"
so, i'm REEEEEEEEALLY excited, even if this gets me nothing. i can say i friggin did it! and if i DO get something, then you all have to come see me, in my starring role....as the rock! no, not THAT one! the OTHER one! no, in the background! SEE? see my foot??!? that's MY FOOT!!!! that was me! no, i don't have any speaking parts, now that you mention it. no, that was it - i'm only on for those 3.5 sec......BUT WASN'T I GREAT?!?!? &=)
i know that's how it will turn out, but i figure, hell, if SOME of these people can get into the biz, then i sure as heck can do a lot better than them! that's what we call it, those of us in showbusiness - we call it "the biz". just so you're up on the vernacular. i'd hate for any of you to seem moronic & uncultured. i mean, if you're going to DRESS like that, then you might as well stay home. why do you always DO this to me??! make me look like a fool, in front of all my "friends"?

hahaha, just kidding! i'd never make it as a big-timer! "i said i wanted thirty-SEVEN slightly chilled evian waters, each with their own embroidered coozie! my assistant said she only counted thirty-FIVE! what do i pay you people for? so I can do all the work??? and i wanted an asian-american to do my 330p massage! german americans are TOO ROUGH!" ha! i'd probably get in trouble for talking to all the "little people". i could never hack it in "the biz". reading other peoples' riders always makes me laugh, to see all the ridiculous things they request! pick out your own damn red m&m's! but the people who agree to it are even ridiculouser for doing it! (i made that word up, "ridiculouser"...but i don't need to tell you that, right?)

see? there i go, yammering on, when there's sleep to get. oh yeah, and i have to check on the baby girl. so, i'm sure i'll post again before then, but everyone wish me luck! (about the audition, not checking on the kitty) i'm SOOOOO excited! oh man, my tummy is really rolling. this is gonna be a looooong week.

*hugs* &=)

10.18.2006

no longer a trinity surgery virgin!

i'm sitting up here in the surgery department at trinity (my second job), and it's my first time to come up here - i'm really excited, in case you needed more proof that i'm a goob. actually, i've been up here before, but just walking through. this will be my first time to do a case. i'd much rather be up here, getting screamed at by docs than downstairs doing diagnostic. i friggin hate that. this is totally my thing. and especially if i get to do trauma work, that's the best. i don't really even mind doing trauma xrays, but i freaking HATE doing a kub on someone with abdomen pains or a wrist on a lady with a $10k tennis bracelet, because she slipped at the garden club meeting and twisted her wrist. that kind of boring stuff makes me want to go out of my mind. i want to see blood and have to put body parts back on the cassette to xray. i know that's kind of morbid (or a LOT morbid), but that's what keeps me going, is that heart-racing rhythm and non-predictability of trauma work. i know it would wear me out, but it's just so fascinating to me.

i remember my first trauma i ever went to xray (and i know the minute i start this story, they're going to call) - it was this older lady who was in a car wreck. i was all hyped up and goading the other students i was rotating with that "i'm getting to do the first trauma! na na na na!" i was all excited and stuff, so me and my teacher went to the ER, and when we walked through the door, that lady was laying flat on her back, already intubated, and her left hip was bent out to the side. but it was bent out so far that it was hanging off the stretcher, and her KNEECAP was pointing at the ground. i froze in the doorway and just stood there. finally, my teacher turned around and said, "omg, are you about to pass out? sit down!," and pushed me back on the stretcher that was behind me. i seriously felt like i was either going to throw up or faint...or both.

oops, what did i just say - duty calls! see ya, bitches! &=D

10.17.2006

awight

ok, one more - just because this one made me laugh when i didn't feel like it - then i'm done...










i'm going to bed.

awwiiiiight....

not to think

just another fun thing to know about me - this is almost exactly how my job interview with healthsouth went.

after i left the room, i hadn't even made it to the stairs when i burst into tears. in march, i will have been there for 2 years. the only other job i had that lasted longer (no, the news-aggie doesn't count) was at arby's for about 2.5 years.

yeah, i'm just...wasting time. there are things that i should be doing. but, i'm not. here's one that gordon sent me, that expresses one of my previous posts nicely:

that's from xkcd.com, just so we're propping the right people. i hate when people don't give credit where credit is due.

this one is a comic that i've been looking for for a really long time. it's called cyanide & happiness, and i found it on explosm.net...and, for me, it all started with this one:

now, i realize that some (or all) of you might not have the same sense of humor as me. and that's ok. because i heard that intelligence is directly related to how nice your teeth are, and since i have the best teeth ever, i win.

just kidding. i know if i ever have kids, they'll have flippers for hands and rocks for heads. i mean, i've had enough radiation - cause i DO that, you know.

i actually have a ton of cool, gross x-ray pics. yeah. they're on my OTHER hard drive. the one that's busted. and is gonna cost round abouts $900. so, we're saving up for that one. i think i have about $3.27 in my change cup, so this is gonna take a while.

here's some more pics i liked. in case you haven't noticed, i dig saving pics that i love. damn, are you guys gonna be bored for the next few posts...:

you know what they say - once a drinker, always a drinker.

i love otters, btw. they're my favorite animals aside from cats. i have a few baby ott pics - i'm working on building my collection. i have this awesome photo that i shot of a river otter in new orleans. it's one of the coolest pics i've ever taken, and i have it matted, framed, and hanging in my hallway.

man, this thing is being KRAB-BY. there are some pics it will upload and some, it's just like, "nah, i don't FEEL like using that one." i'm purty sure this thing doesn't have a max. well, but it is MY blog, so who knows. it's probably cursing everyone who reads it. i have that kind of luck, you know. that kind that makes you get deathly ill when you don't have anymore off days to use.

ok, ok, this is it. for tonight. i was able to get some things off my chest earlier, so i'm feeling minor relief. things still go much unresolved in my life.

oh well - tomorrow, i can start all over..............again.

what do you want to be when you grow up? - happy

trinity just called to see if i could work wed & thurs of this week, and wed of next week. thank goodness - this means i have more work coming in. unfortunately, i had to bail on them for the month of october, since i didn't know what was happening with my cyst. my appt for plastics is in early november, so i'm sure you'll hear more than you ever wanted to about that.

i'm just kinda bored at work today. i only had one case, but i've got my finances (along with other ridiculous things) on my mind. i'm probably going to go pick ricky up from work, take him home, then either go over to heather's to let her help me, or sit down and work on it myself. work on what, you say? yes. i don't know. all i know is that i wish it was still raining as much as it did yesterday.

i've got so many things that require my attention right now, but next to no energy to give. my head feels like one those globes full of oil and blue water (my thoughts), and there's a tiny sailboat in there, trying desperately to stay afloat. everything's just kind of slowly, but violently, thrashing against the insides of my head, and every once in a while, something finds its way out. but it doesn't always make sense. and the sailboat...my sanity? or i could really have a tiny, little sailboat wedged in my frontal lobe.

i have a tendency to overdramatize my illness (no shit, really?). but most times, i can't make things meet in the middle, in my brain. everything that someone else does, or anything that happens, where something has gone wrong, i'll find any way i can to blame myself. and as people say, "you are your biggest critic." ok, well, i hate myself, because i always feel like i should know better. i've either been through a particular situation, or i already know what the repercussions will be, due to my actions. but i do it anyway!

god, i sure do bitch a lot. sorry. this isn't nearly as entertaining as it should be. but i've just got crap on my mind - crap that shouldn't be there, but is. i haven't been able to be my real self in a terribly long time. i LONG for the happiness, the silliness, the craziness that i know is in me. but i can't find a way to evoke it. not for anything in the free fucking world. i feel so inhibited - and i ALWAYS blame it on someone else. but it's me! i'm the one doing it! and i don't know HOW to stop. i just know that i should. i mean, i don't physically hurt myself like i used to. i just feel this solid mental partition - on the other side, there's flowers and grass and trees and singing and people who i love. i don't mean that whole "grass is greener on the other side" - there really IS a better side. but on my side, it's all grey. it's grey and cold and dead.

and alone.

i keep trying on different people to see if they fit me, see if they can bring me out, if they can, god forbid, fix me. but it never works. i only find more people to either alienate or depress and commiserate for me. that's why i hate meeting new people. i can't stand to bring more people into this world. i know how i feel when other people bitch and moan about things of which they should take control. i just have tiny bursts of fire, short-lived pursuits and aspirations. it seems as though when mom died, a part of me died, too. then when aaron got tired of waiting around and left, the rest of me shriveled up and blew away. now, i'm literally a shell of the person i once was, and every once in a while, something grazes the edge of my shell, and you see a brief glimpse of who i was.

i've tried starting over...SOOO many times, it's sick. i've even considered packing up and moving away - just becoming someone else. but i know that no matter where i go, i'll always be me. i'll always think of the same people. i'll always have the same problems. and i'll still be stuck on my side of this damn wall.

i've said it before - i don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. i'm not looking for pity or petting or any of that "well, i have to be nice to her, because she might freak out on me" crap. i'm just explaining as it comes out. i just want to be NORMAL. i take all those ridiculous surveys that people post, about "what were you doing an hour ago," and it's almost comical to read how my answers to the same questions can change from day to day. the one that always kills me is, "when do you want to be married?" like i say, 22 or 23, but i missed out on that boat. actually, i killed the crew and jumped overboard. or "when do you want to have kids?" yeah, i answered that one at 25 or 26. once again, boat's left the harbor, and i'm standing there in my floaties.

i guess the boat fighting to stay afloat in my head is me - the me that i was. the me that i am. all i've managed to do these last few years is cling to the side of my boat with every bit of strength that's left.

10.16.2006

stoo-pid (retard)

there's a reason i never chase...


it's because it never works on my end, and i normally end up feeling extremely stupid.


cheese&rice, i really AM going to end up as "the crazy cat lady," and for some strange reason, that's not incredibly appealing to me. back in the old days, if "old maids" made it to the ripe, old age of 29, didn't they shoot them or something to put them out of their misery?

well, they should start doing that.

fuck, i'm going to bed.

miss-odd-jen-ny (misogyny)

which is pretty close to the truth. i hate other chicks. 'cept'n my heather...and my taba & tara & laura and the people that i already love. but, if you ever just want to know "the truth", heather would be the one you need to talk to.

gaaaaah. i was going to post more, but i got some stuffs i need to go do.

oh, oh, wait - I FORGOT.

so yesterday, i had just got out of the shower and was supposed to meet a friend to get a bite and shoot the shisty, when heather called my cell. i picked the phone up and did that, "oh, i'll call her right back after i get done _______ (insert girly activity here)." then, my brain went, "ANSWER IT - NOW." so, i'm all, "ok, cripes, you don't have to get pushy," and when i pushed the "taketh thoust call" button, all i can hear is crying on the other side.
now, when SHE calls ME crying, my brain goes into overdrive. i forget how to talk and do simple things like breathe and hold in my urine and stuff.
so, she's crying, and i'm like, "OMG! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU???" and i finally get out that sophie has eaten some of her meds, and they're heading out to go to children's er. but it was her ritalin, so i wasn't nearly as worried as i think she was. well, actually, it turns out, she was more pissed off at herself than anything. and i don't know if i was supposed to tell you about the ritalin. so, hj, kill me later.
so, i'm haulin' ass down 65, get to children's, and as i'm running across the hamster tube (you know, that thing in the air that goes over the street?), and ricky had just bought me these old school reebok tennies, and they didn't have ANY traction on the bottom, but i didn't know that until i'm tearing out the door and nearly kill myself on the way down the stairs (and by kill myself, i mean, literally kill myself by falling and almost breaking my neck). so i'm running around the carpeted hamster tube (dammit, what is the NAME of that thing??), and i go to round the corner, and my feet come flat out from under me, and i land right on my big, fat, padded ass. so, i jump up, and i'm like, "ok, ok, i don't care if anyone saw me." so, i go to round the next corner, a little slower this time, and BLAM! fat + gravity = crashing blow to nonexistent ego. i picked myself up this time, realizing that not only have i fallen once for the people watching below, but twice. it was like being broadcasted on the big screen over times square in nyc. well, not QUITE that big, but big enough.

so, i walked quite rapidly to the doors and made it safely through.

i get downstairs, and heather's sitting in the er waiting room, bawling, filling out that gay form you have to fill out, while your child is at death's doorstep. only sophie wasn't at all close. she was standing there with heather's bag ("MY bag") on her shoulder, arm straight up in the air (to keep the bag from falling off), and staring at heather like, "what is this woman's problem?" and i walked up, and she said, "JIMMY!," and runs to meet me, and i pick her up and look in her face (she's totally fine), and then help heather fill out the rest of the form. then we take sophie back to triage, and they put the world's next tiniest bp cuff on her arm. in the meantime, heather tells me the story, and it goes a lil somethin' like this:

sophie came upstairs while heather was doing something and gives her her emptied wallet, which is not unusual - she always opens it up and pulls all the cards out (and makes outrageous purchases on ebay - jk). so heather says, "you silly girl, what are you doing?," and sophie opens her mouth and sticks out her tongue. heather laughs and says, "you crazy girl, i don't think you swallowed my cards! come on, let's go downstairs and get them." so they go downstairs, and when they get down there, heather either opened the zipper part of the wallet or noticed it was open, and she looks inside. she said she remembers there being 2 ibuprofen and 1 ritalin in there, because she had seen them the day before. when she looked now, there were only the 2 ib's.
before i go on, i'd like to mention that sophie, at 2.5, is incredibly articulate. conversation with her is absolutely fascinating. but, i digress. so the conversation takes this turn:

"did you eat something out of here?"
"yeeeeesss."
"was it a square?"
"noooo."
"was it a rectangle?"
"noooo. it was a CIRCLE!"
"oh, ok (panic sets in). what color was it?"
"it was WHITE!"

so, they call poison control, they say she'll probably be ok, but better safe to take her to the er, just to make sure. and that's where my story picks up.

anyway, they were there for about 2 hours, monitoring her heart rate, bp, resp rate to make sure nothing changed or went into some danger level. i told heather, "well, the worst that could happen is she could concentrate really well and solve world hunger." once we got back there and talked (almost immediately) to a doc (who happened to be head of poison control at chsys), everyone kinda breathed a sigh of relief. i went to take the boys home and watch them until heather and lee were able to come home, and sophie got PISSED. she pitched and cried and screamed, and i felt horrible - not being able to be with my girl during her trying time!

so everything's fine now. i'm going to get up off here and try to get something done, since i'm a lazy fattie with no goals in life but to eat doughnuts and cake.

will update more as events warrant...

10.15.2006

ehhh-deee-oootttt (idiot)

Great Jimmy. Great Times.

the above was from a website, where you can "sloganize" your name. you enter in your name, and it gives you a slogan. so, there you go. it's all about the jimmy. it's all about great times.

i was just recently told that i'm getting lazy, since i haven't been posting. so, sorry. i've been...weird. this weekend was hectic, but i'll elaborate on that more in a bit, since i am at work, and i should be "working". but, meh, whatever.

so, i thought i'd start with this: i was recently listening to an interview with a very important person (no, not the prez) on npr. it was extremely informative, and i was totally drawn in........until he said the word "nucular". after that, my brain went off like a tv set. after that, i had no faith in anything that man was saying. he was talking about north korea and the testing and such, but once he said that word ("oh, you mean like a nucular weapon?"), i completely lost all hope in humanity. i mean it, if i get to heaven and jesus has anything to say to me about "nucular anythings," i'm coming back to earth.

it's "NEW-CLEE-ARRRR". why can't people say that? even more annoying, why does it drive me so damn nuts? it's like the license thing, but i'll get to that in a bit. right now - potty break.

*post potty*

ok, better. for now. anyway, the license thing. yeah, that's driven me crazy since, like, birth. when you acquire a LICENSE, you get IT, not THEM. jesus h, why do people say that? my mom was the first one to point it out to me, and ever since that moment, i hear it at least once a week. i remember when my best friend and i (not heather) were going to gscc together, and we went to the mall after class one day. we pulled up in the parking space, were getting out of the car, and she said, "oops, my license - can you hand them to me?" i was like, "wtf? how many do you have?"
let's see - your driver's license, your hunting license, your truck driving license, your fishing license, your nursing license, your xray license, your license to be blind (i don't even know if they have those) - i'll hand THOSE to you. but i won't be digging for licenses to hand to you, just because you used

the word "them". i mean, i'm not going to be responsible for that kind of forgery, but thanks, though.

i just looked up the word "phenylketonurics," and my boss kept saying it all wrong. i was like, "come on! where did you grad-jee-ate from anyways??" he kept saying "phenylketonics". well, what about the "ur"? do they just get the shaft, like they were never there in the first place? i mean, what a hater. i think i've EARNED my right to make up my own words, because i stand up for the words that are already in existence! i mean, i worked my tiny, little fanny off in grade school, in english, to learn all about the language that never should have been. our language is the most complicated language in the whole world! does anyone ever appreciate that? NO! we just butcher the heck out of it, day in and day out!

OMG! why am i screaming about this??? I DON'T KNOW! I DIDN'T TAKE MY MEDICINE TODAY!!! *pulls hair*

no, really, i'm ok now. ah jus ahates peepulls bad grammeraticall langwedgeing! and if you don't know what that says, you have to SAY IT OUT LOUD, at your place of work, with a southern inflection...and, no, i don't mean "infection".

ahhhh....that felt good. i've been holding it all back at work, because there's no helping these folks here. no helpin' 'em. "the human dictionary" walks around, bored as crap all day - and i'm losing my abilities! quick, make me spell something! o-n-o-m-a-t-o-p-o-e-i-a! *phew* you know, i don't have a lot of talents, but that's one i'm extremely proud (and embarrassed) of.


ok, ok, i'm going to get a so-da. i'm thirsty, and i have a feeling it's going to be a strange night. i talked to phil again today, because i wanted to. you hear that??!? BECAUSE HEATHER SAID I'M AN ADULT, AND I CAN WANT TO TALK TO PEOPLE THAT I LIKE, IF I WANT! nice to know i'm an adult, and i have to get my best friend to tell me what's ok and what's not. for me, that's the defining account of maturity - me not jumping into something headfirst and drowning after a few minutes. man, i'm lame.

ok, i'll post again when i get home, because i have to tell about what happened yesterday.

awwiiiiight....(homestarrunner.com)

10.10.2006

hair falls & such

cripes, i'm so bored at work.

i just looked on ebay (which i shouldn't have done), and they have two sets of GORGEOUS pink hair falls. for those of you who don't know, that's one of my deadliest weaknesses. i LOVE to have weird things in my hair. i don't necessarily mean live animals or a dung beetle or something. but i just love having weird hair. it's one of those quirky things - it helps me to *snicker* feel better about myself. isn't that strange?

now, i'm not too big on the dreaded falls. my favorites are the ones made of faux wool (not dreaded), yarn, ribbons, cyberlox, industrial tubing, etc - and the bigger and the more outrageous the color, the better. i still need to find some cheap silver goggles to go with mine.

and i'm not talking, wearing these for halloween or to a crazy party or something stupid like that. i mean, i've gotta run to the store for a few things, so i'll just wear my smaller green & purple falls. i just love doing my hair in...weird ways. my mom did my hair in all these kinked up swirlies one day in high school (my milk-maid hairdo), and it was THE COOLEST! in fact, if i had a picture...OH, I DO! oh, fart. i forgot. one of those turds broke my scanner (and never owned up to it), so i can't scan anything. well, crap - i'll find a way. anyway, when i get home, i'll post a couple of pics of my hair in falls, if i can find them. who knew my mother would have created such a freak! muahahaha!!!!

this thing is so retarded - sometimes it uploads the pics and sometimes, it just doesn't FEEL like it. *sigh* here we go. this is me and b at his lil field trip to the alabama theatre to "gobs of fun!" we had such an awesome time!

i just like to push the envelope to see how non-judgemental people can afford to be. i would like for people who i love or care about be able to say, "well, sure, she dresses like a weirdo, but she has an AWESOME personality!" but that's my only issue is what the people who love me think about me. i don't want them to think that just because i wear freak clothes makes me any MORE of a freak than i already am on the inside. gad, if it showed on the outside how i felt on the inside..........i shudder to think...

i really love it when little kids come up and say, "i like your hair!" ohhhhh, that's my favorite! <3

oh, and speaking of hair falls, here's my cake that heather made me for my bday - complete with hair falls and everything! omg, she knows me SOOO well! &=)




i really should post more pictures, but my narcolepsy is kicking in. i need to go to the doc and get this checked out - i can sleep for 6-12 solid hours and still be completely racked when i wake up in the morning. i don't know what's up with that. they've checked my blood and stuff but can never find anything wrong. apparently, there's this thing called "chronic fatigue syndrome," which in my case would be "chronic fat & lazy-ass syndrome". i just can't seem to get up the will or energy to do any-freaking-thing, and it's really pissing me off. (just for those of you who want to give me a hard time about eating meat, IT'S NOT THAT, so get up off...) i feel like my whole body is constantly made of lead, and i'm always having to drag it around. i'm so short (5'3") but this ghetto bootie ain't filled with air, ya know. ok, ok, i'm sitting in my rocking chair (aka talking about my illnesses too much), so lemme go see if i can find some cartoons to clear my head.

pander to me, spongebob! &=)

10.09.2006

what IS that?!?

ok, so here's a pic of the infamous "pigtail" (RIP) - for those of you who don't like gross things, had i known better how to work this thing, i would have suggested you shut your eyes at the beginning. but now you know. and THAT was the one that fell out in my hand after i got out of the shower one day. i just reached back to blot the pigtail, and i pull my hand around, and OMG, IT'S IN MY HAND! so, i was totally freaked out that i'm holding what i had started considering as part of my anatomy. so i'm sorta running around like, omg, omg, what do i do? should i try to put it back in? and THAT gave me the major shivers, so i ran around a little more and tried to think of people to call, but after i ran out of ideas, i just laid it's tiny lil pink carcass on the bathroom counter and started taking pictures of it. just so everyone knows, i got THAT freak thing from my mom. and i know it's weird that i take pics of everything. but i do. and if i didn't, then YOU wouldn't know what a "pigtail (RIP) wick" looks like. incidentally, the one in the pic is TINY compared to the ones i'd had previous to that one. i wish i'd taken a picture of it against something, so you could see the size...maybe ON MY FACE! haha, yuck, just kidding. oops, i just burped a little in my mouth. i guess i didn't like that joke either.

i know some of you keep asking what kind of dog i have (had), and i keep avoiding the issue, so HERE SHE IS. she's a "badly bred boxer" (that's called an alliteration, for those of you who care - because i'm excited that i know that), and her name is jezzabelle. in this pic, she's sitting with my booboo kitty (and wormy, jezzy's first toy), who is my pride and joy, because if you DIDN'T know, booboo has 28 toes...or 26. anyway, we x-rayed her one time, and anyway, she's just flipping awesome. so, i saw my jezzy (who lives with phil, my ex) a few nights ago, and she looks EXACTLY the same, but she's HUUUUGE!!! i can't believe what a big, pretty girl she is! and she's soooo sweet! and she LOOOOVES her mama! *tears and tears* i love my pets, because they're my family, and they love you, NO MATTER WHAT!

i'm a huge animal advocate, and i'll get into that plenty later. people ask why i do what i do, why i believe the things i believe, why i'm a vegetarian, why when i open my mouth, it sounds like howler monkeys, but i'll delve into all of that a little bit at a time. right now, i'm supposed to be going to bed. but i've had some problems sleeping the past few nights. don't know what's up with that, because as everyone knows, i'm a world-class sleeper. all those people who say that stupid stuff about, "i'll sleep when i'm dead...," yo, you do that - i'm gonna get a headstart.

ps. i know i sorta messed up the text on this one, but i'll fix it tomorrow. right now, i think someone is sleeping BEFORE me! how DARE they??...

10.08.2006

tv night

can't stay on long. just wanted to post that i'm much better, now that all but one are out of my house and no longer mooching on me. not that i'm helpless and stuff, but i was sorta fearing for my life, while the last one was screaming in my face...and me without my knife. i couldn't have gotten to my baseball bat in time, but anywash, all's well that ends well. oh, well, i mean it didn't end well, but you get me.
i went to see my ex and my doggie the other day after i got off work. i miss that little girlie. she was growling when i first walked through the door, so i walked down the hallway and said, "DON'T you growl at your mama!," and she started doing those huge jumps in the air, like a fish out of water! SHE REMEMBERED ME! i was all tearing up and stuff, because i really didn't think she'd remember who i was. and SHE'S HUGE!!! she's just like my baby jezzy, ONLY BIGGER! <3 sweet girl!!! my sweet baby girl, i miss her SO MUCH! and she's just as bad as ever! lmao! phil was showing me all the things she's chewed up, and i was stuffing my hands in my mouth so i wouldn't laugh! poor baby girl! i wish i had a place for her to come stay, because i would take her in a heartbeat.
and yes, then me and phil hugged, and it was all awkward and shit, and NO, we didn't kiss. and yes, i miss him. so leave me alone. i miss familiarity. or him. i don't know. i've never been in this situation before.

no, i really do miss him. i just wish we were...more compatible? or i was less of a bitch? or he didn't smoke pot? hell, i don't know. it's tv night, and i don't have the brain cells to think about this right now.

thank god for cartoons, or i'd get NOTHING off my mind at the end of the week. loves ya'll & missin' ya'll bunches. i'm feeling better, just need heather and others to keep kicking my butt on a daily basis. i'm slowly pulling it together. just don't know where i'm going with this. i feel so useless to the world right now. breathing air, and not rightfully earning it.

hey, leave me a damn comment or something, if you get on here to read. i like to know people are reading. not that i write for people to read, but i like to know if i say something that makes people go, "cripes, i was just thinking about that the other day, and i didn't know how to word it!" because that's my problem - i have LOTS to say, but i can't say it very good when i'm talking. typing or writing - TOTALLY DIFFERENT, don't ask me why. and so, i'm horrible when i fight or argue with people, because they're like, "yak yak blah, yakkity blah blah, meh meh foo!" and my brain is like, "just punch him. just punch him in the mouth to make him shut up because i can't think of anything to say right now. i'll think of something clever to say later...after a nap."

ok, cartoon-time.

10.05.2006

comments...

sorry to whoever posts comments (taba, in particular), but some jackass keeps sending me these spam comments, so i've had to pull out the big guns. now, when you leave a comment, you have to do that stupid word verification, that incidentally, i hate when i have to do it, and then, i'll have to approve your comment, which i know i'll hate even more. you know, people can't just exist in their own worlds - they have to ooze their slimy selves over and infect yours. jerks...

i actually have a lot in my brain that i want to post, but i'm going to try to moderate my time on the computer. god knows we don't need to be on the computer, while we're doing...nothing.

i only had one surgery case today, so i'm going to be brainstorming on how to get myself out of the financial hell i've checked into. i've got to call the bank, report my card as stolen (long story, more later), stop all automatic drafts from my account, and see if i can get this mess cleaned up. god, this is ridiculous. i'm so stupid. i hope everyone i see from now on will just smack me on the back of the head and be like, "stupid..." you know, just as a reminder.

i'm gonna go headbutt something and call myself stupid, now. and then eat a cinnamon roll, cause i'm hungry. god, i'm boring when i'm in a bad mood. everyone, please stop reading this. i'm embarrassed now.

10.04.2006

breathing just became easier

hi, i'm a lil better.

still don't have meds (or money), but i've eliminated one of my major problems. i kicked jeff out. and it HAD to be done. i called heather, crying, yesterday afternoon, and told her the story, and she was like, "omg, you need to just tell that guy to pack his shit and get the FUCK out of there - TODAY."

now, me calling her crying is nothing new. but when i explain, it will make much more sense. well, i think it does, and she said i was in the right. as i've said before, she's my reasonable side, so i buy everything she says...and then i sell it later for a profit. &=)

more on this story later...got surgery in a few...

10.03.2006

all that lost time...

one of my very favorite sites is the postsecret.com website. i read the new secrets every monday, because there are so many secrets in my life that i'm afraid to admit. and ON SO MANY OCCASIONS, someone has posted something that i feel is truly mine.

this week, i saw "if you wait too long for the perfect moment, the perfect moment will pass you by".
i don't know what the perfect moment would be in my life, other than going home. i don't really know how to define "home" anymore. i wish that my family was so fulfilling that i never needed anyone else. but i do. because i'm a girl. and because i'm human. and because we were made to need someone of the opposite sex (or if you prefer, a partner) in order to exist.

also, "people with mental illness enrich our lives...so why do i feel like a freak?"
i know there are people out there who think that i use the term "depression" entirely too liberally. these are the people with whom i prefer not to associate myself. if you can't understand that i'm sick, and that i REALLY AND TRULY CANNOT CONTROL HOW I AM, then you need to find a pier and take a running leap.

here's a secret - when aaron and i first split, after i moved into my first apartment, i was raped. i tried to tell myself that i wasn't, and that i must have been asking for it, in some strange, sick way. but deep down inside, i know what it was. for the past 5 years, i've been emotionally abused by guys i've met. i've been physically abused by guys who get off on that kind of thing. and i've put up with it. why? i don't really know. because there's no way that you could ever find the perfect person through that.

honestly, why? because i feel as though i deserve it. i feel as though i deserve every slap, every punch, every horrible word, every one night stand, every tear, every heartache, every night of being so upset that i vomit until i pass out, and every night of crying myself to sleep. i deserve all of that, and more. i think, for the things that i've done, for the thoughts that cross my mind, for the man i gave up on, i don't deserve to die.

that would be the easy way out.

and sometimes, i think that's the only reason i'm still here, is because i deserve to suffer. and you know what? i've become pretty good at taking it with a closed mouth.

I WISH BEYOND EVERYTHING that i didn't have these days - that i never felt this way ever again. i'm in such financial straits that i can't even afford to buy medicine for myself. and so, i make due. i don't have anything but my friends and my family. i have my job, which i enjoy, because it keeps my mind occupied.

you know, i don't say these things, looking for pity. i get that from plenty of people. and it disgusts me. it makes me sick that people would pity someone as worthless as me. i say them because i have to. i have to remember who i am. deep down inside, i have a heart. right now, it's just a sucking, black hole that engulfs any emotion that comes within its gravitational field. but under that, it's a little, red heart. and it has good things in there somewhere. i think i've just forgotten how to use it.

life used to be so perfect for me. nowadays, a good day for me is if i don't have to take pills at the end of the day to stave off a panic attack. and you know what the sick part is? i'm not even suffering.

i have a job, i have an apartment, i have family & friends who love me dearly, & i'm incredibly healthy, except for the fucked-up brain part. i make myself suffer. no one else does it. i do it to myself. apparently, i'm addicted to sadness. i can't let go of the things that are no longer there. i can't push myself to move forward. i'm starting to lose the will to even get out of bed in the morning. no, i won't kill myself - i don't deserve to leave that easily.

don't pity me. i don't want it. i just want acceptance. i need encouragement. i need people to listen when i talk. i know things will get better (or worse), it's all just a matter of time. i don't know what will happen. i don't even know if i'll go to work tomorrow. maybe i'll get lucky and just stop waking up. just know that i get tired of fighting sometimes. this isn't easy for a girl who lost her mom at 22 and walked out on her husband and picture-perfect future at 25. my past crops up A LOT to bite me in the butt, as it should. i think about it more than i have the energy for. and like i said, this is a downswing. in a few weeks, i'll be a completely different person, and you'll never know these things were on my mind, aside from this pitiless post.

but this is me. this is the real me. this is who i am when i close the doors and when i don't answer the phone. these are the things that are constantly streaming through my mind at any given point in time. i can be totally happy, playing with my kids, when a memory comes flooding back and breaks my heart all over again. i swear i don't ask for this. because it hurts. and to be truthful, i'm really tired of hurting. the struggle sometimes becomes too much to bear. all i want is a second chance at a decent life. i want to never worry another soul with the things i do wrong. i want to never have to break down in the bathroom of a grocery store, because of "that song" that blares over the muzak. if i had the guts to set fire to the past and begin again, i would. but i don't. so i drag my skeleton-filled closet around with me everywhere i go.

i didn't have these problems before mom died. and no, incidentally, i don't blame her for my sickness. yes, i do blame her for some of my shortcomings, for how she raised me, for the things of which i was ignorant. but i'm an adult now, so the time for blaming your mom is over. also, i don't blame aaron for anything that happened. it was all me. i don't want anyone to ever think bad of him. he never did anything wrong. he was just one of the biggest victims in the self-discovery of my illness. i acknowledge that he's not coming back. i'm pretty sure i'll never even talk to him again. and for that, i mourn.



here's another secret:
i've written more than two dozen suicide notes in the past 7 years...and the part where you cry out to your dear friends and family for forgiveness - that's what has always stopped me.

one day, i'll find a place. but it won't be today, and i'm pretty sure it's not going to be tomorrow. as dr. agee says, i put it all in a box in my head and pull it out later when i have time.

i think i'm gonna need some more boxes.

10.01.2006

for those of you who are lost...

there are people who read this (christ only knows why), who don't really understand me.


just to let you know, i'm in a downswing. i'll brood for a couple of weeks, then i'll be ok. it's the way my life has been, coming up this november 9, for the past 7 years.



and it will continue until i die.

i hate me

i hate me. isn't that enough? does it have to be more? how much can you possibly hate yourself and continue to live with yourself? is there a point where you can hate yourself so much that you finally implode and can never hurt anyone again?



I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. will you never call again?
And will you never say you that love me just to put in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? it is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things i didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

I’m sober now for 3 whole months; it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
And in a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then i fell down yelling “make it go away!”
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “how can you do this to me?

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you



i just found out that amanda peet is pregnant. i know that means nothing to anyone, but me and the few people to whom i've mentioned it. it's one of those things that no one would really get, even if i explained it to them.

someone asked me the other day what i wanted. what do i want? that's a great question. and on days like this, i'm pretty sure i could answer it completely. i want my ex-husband back. and i'll never get him. he's gone, and i'm dead to him. i feel like i can say that out in public now, and not be crucified. he's the only one who ever understood me, and at this point in my life, i can safely say, he's the only one who ever WILL have understood me. it doesn't go much farther than that. i can actually relate to my 40-year-old uncle, who still lives at home with his mom. i never thought i'd be able to say that. but our dilemmas are so similar, it's almost cosmically sick.

what do i want? i want someone who gets me. i want someone who loves me above everything else in life. i want someone who's main reason in waking up in the morning is me. i want my place on the pedestal back. i live for my friends & family, and i want someone who does the same for me/us. i want a family. i want a real life, not this faux-shit i've been experiencing since aaron's been gone. what a complete crock of shit, and i only do it to myself - over and over and over again.

i made a new friend on myspace, and he hit the nail on the head - he said my feelings for aaron are still there - i'm just trying to find someone to fit in that aaron-shaped hole. and so far, i've found nothing remotely close. i wish TO GOD that i could say i didn't love him anymore. but i can't. i love him. i love who he was, and i know i would love who he is. i've never doubted that. and i've tried to quash that sick, strange, uneasy feeling, that won't go away. i've tried to kill it with everything that makes me who i am. i've used all my energy to kill it, kill that tiny grain of hope that remains for NO REASON. but it won't go away. and i feel like it's killing me. it poisons every thought i have. every day is a new day to figure out some sick, deranged way to torture myself with the thought of him, what we had. it was perfect, and i'll slit the throat of anyone who says otherwise. it was me. when i lost my mom, i lost my mind, and that's the only way to describe it.

i have to eat now. i don't know why, but i keep living. i can't help but laugh at the sick and twisted irony. i laugh while the tears flow freely. everything i hear is a piece of my soul, crying out to be heard.

i wish it would shut the hell up.

waiting for the toilet paper

current mood: sleepy

i'm awake now, and i tried to do that stupid posting a pic to my bio, but it won't work, because I'M retarded. so screw.

anyway, i'm awake, and i had to get toilet paper. actually, i had to sit and wait while ricky went to the store to BUY some toilet paper. yeah, we're doing goooood. we're actually supposed to be getting ready to go apartment hunting.

those damn apartments...they killed my father and raped my sister. i'll get you, chateau orleans. i'll get you...

anyway, we gotta hurry up and get out of here before i kill someone. namely jeff. i'm just ready to get the f out of here. i should still be living alone, but i just realized i hate that. i'm a ween, and i like for someone to sleep in the bed with me. it's not that i get scared. i'm just...strange. it doesn't matter who it is - it could possibly be someone i totally hate. maybe i should just get a corpse or a blow-up person to keep in the bed. because i don't really cater to someone being here while i'm awake. i can do awake just fine sometimes. but asleep - nah. and i'm not scared of the dark, and since that jackhole took my knife, i have my baseball bat, so i'm not scared. i'll nail a fool for knocking on the door - i can protect the homestead. i just hate being alone while i'm unconscious. weird, huh?

oh, and i wrote this on myspace. i hate having two blog-ish things. but here:

Thursday, September 28, 2006

living the lie
Current mood: disappointed

i just realized that i'm living a lie, and i can't stop. how do you stop living the only life you know? what if you hate it? what if you hate everything? how do you just walk away and start over? is it possible? i don't think so. i don't know. but i'm sure as hell going to try. little by little, i have to break away. there's very few things in this life that i want, and i just realized it. it's like when you think of something really important, and you're sitting on the toilet. well, i was in the shower. and i got it. and now i have to fix it. i'm always good at fucking things up, but i suck at fixing them.

ahhhhh, well, we'll see.


**so, i wrote that the other day. and i keep thinking there's something on my mind that i need to type, but now it's gone. i hate that. it just means it will crop up and bother me later when i don't have any paper or a pen or something.
cripes, i'm so sleepy. must...find...apartment.......get the.....hell....out of.....dodge......

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............