10.31.2006

the girl in the basement

mood: lost

i had to call the doc yesterday, so i'm waiting to hear back from him. i've actually TOLD some people, "hey, guess what? i don't feel good," and they're actually not mean to me. i still don't understand that, i think. i still expect for no one to believe me and laugh me off like every other hypochondriac out there. i mean, i know i am, but not many hypos would work so hard to make themselves well again, i would think. right? i don't know. i just try to self-diagnose me, so that the doctor either won't have to work so hard or make sure we cover all the bases, so that no one's leaving any possibility out.

incidentally, for those of you who are new to this story and haven't already figured it out thus far, they diagnosed me with depression and anxiety 7 years ago, right after my mom died. as you can tell, i experience periods of highs and the lowest of lows. this has been a low swing that has lasted particularly long, and i'm distressed as to why that is. i'm normally able to take my meds and block things out and not have regular emotions. but sometimes i have periods where i function normally - cry when i'm supposed to cry, be happy when there's a time for happiness, etc. it's not that often, though.

my mind is drifting right now, so i guess i can't type long. i don't want to bore anyone (much less myself) with the ramblings of the things rolling around in my head. i can't focus on anything except that i'm looking forward to going to the doctor on friday. it's just for blood tests, but maybe something will turn up. something. i'm PRETTY sure this isn't a contraindication of low iron, so i'd appreciate it if people would stop saying i feel like this, just because i don't eat meat. that really pisses me off. had you LIVED in my body for the past decade, i'd give you free reign to say whatever you like about me.

but you weren't here.

you weren't here when i was in high school. you weren't here when i lived with my mom. you weren't here when i started jack state, or met aaron, or BRIEFLY touched heaven while i lived the perfect life. you weren't here when i lost my mom, the only part of life that i could fully trust and that made any sense. you weren't here when i got married. you definitely weren't here when sex with my own husband became awkward, and i started feeling like i was going out of my mind. you weren't here when i screwed around or had to tell aaron about the things i'd done. you weren't here fighting the fucked-up thoughts i couldn't escape, when all i wanted to do was be happily married. you weren't here when i met my best friend. you weren't here when i got my first apartment or experienced my first (and last) rape. you weren't around when aaron started dating someone else and finally told me he wanted a divorce. you didn't sign the papers. you didn't know what it felt like to give up on all that. you didn't cry those tears. you didn't stand on the edge of a bridge, looking down. you didn't take too many pain meds. you didn't cut yourself with a broken mirror. you didn't always chicken out and call someone, because you were too afraid to leave this life, because someone might NOT be on the other side, waiting for you. you didn't fall asleep on a pillow soaked with your own tears. you didn't try to have relationships with other people, and because of your past, it totally fucks everything up. you don't have to look at ME in the mirror and realize how quickly all this has made you age, and how short it makes life seem. you don't have MY thoughts in your head that tell you over and over that you're NOT good enough, no matter what anyone tells you, and because of your past you'll NEVER amount to anything for anyone. you don't have to tell yourself that you HAVE to go to work today, because if you don't, you know you'll just lay there in the bed, day in and day out, and just rot, because even though you have SO MANY PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU, it doesn't seem to make a difference, and that just makes you feel like a selfish, thankless jerk.

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next time you live MY life, let me know. because if anyone could do any better, with the shit that i've dealt with, please. feel free. because i've screwed it all up. and all i can do is pick up from where i am, every single day, and move on - again and again. i keep hoping that THIS will be the day that i don't fuck up - i mean, maybe i can be an adult today and not feel the need to retreat in some way. i'm not saying everyone doesn't have problems, and i'm not saying my problems are any worse than anyone else's. i'm just saying i don't think i was cut out for THIS life. this isn't the way i wanted things to be. i'm not very good at hurting anymore. i feel like my normally impenetrable walls are weakening. you'd think for as long as this has dragged out, i'd get a little better at it. but i haven't. i just suck at it. once again, i'm floating in that void-filled oblivion, no direction, no muse, no support from myself, no inspiration - only thoughts of the past and dreams of what the future could have been.

so many people care about me. i know this is a completely unnatural segues, but this is why thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. i could never give enough thanks to God, for taking care of me. i know He's not making this stuff happen to me. He's given me free will, and i do with it what i will. i can never give enough thanks to my friends and family. i rarely open up the floodgates around my family (heather gets the brunt of most of that), but whenever i do, they're always there with open arms, hugs, prayers, encouragement and even advice, if i need it. i really don't know how they've all put up with me for as long as this has dragged on. i don't know that i'll ever understand.

i just want to be good. i want things to be good. i want to do good things. i want to have a life that i don't resent. i want to wake up next to someone that i love and respect (as i once did) and hope they're not repulsed by me and my closet o' skeletons. i want to be able to do things i want to do, while there's still time to do them. i want to pull people into my gravitational field because of my goodness, instead of my insurmountable depression. i want to be glad i have friends, instead of in constant worry because i might do something to hurt someone...again.

i was originally going to call my blog "the girl in the basement," but something made me decide against it. i feel like i've been trapped in this stifling darkness, with tiny glimpses of light through the smallest windows ever.

i want out of the basement, and i can't find the key.

2 comments:

taba said...

love you.

Landon said...

yeah i do look at your blog from time to time...