excuses for everything

Hahaha, I knew I'd seen Hugh Laurie before. I used to watch Jeeves & Wooster when I was growing up, and I thought he was a die-hard hottie then! Maybe England is my destiny - ha! Dental hygiene will have had to improve immensely in the past few years.

Until then, Laurie rules me. He's truly a man to worship.

Wtf am I doing up this early?

Oh yeah, I was thinking about that A&E comedy I used to watch about that old time radio show, and I can't think of the name of it.

Apparently that was reason to rouse at 4 in the morning.


it doesn't have to have a title, bitch. just publish it.

I have three downers - let's see which one works the quickest.

If anyone needs me, I'll be drugged, stoned and drunk at my house.

This is too much for me. Another Monday, and more of the same nothing. It's getting harder and harder to remain upright.

For those of you whom this disappoints, get used to the real world, to a life where someone IS alone and IS hard-headed and doesn't WANT help.

This is my fucking life.

I just spent the last 40 min or so in full-on attack. I screamed at Jack and threw him back in his crate. I screamed. I got down on the floor and did 100 sit-ups. I screamed some more. I felt as though I was giving birth to the antichrist. Right now I'm doing that fucked-up rocking that mental patients do...WHEN WE TRY TO CONTROL...... We need to control something.

No. No no no no no no.

I'm tired of dreaming about EITHER of them - I'm sick of seeing them in my mind. GO THE FUCK AWAY!!!! CAN YOU HEAR THAT???????? LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!! I DONT' LOVE EITHER OF YOU ANY-FUCKING-MORE!!!!!!!

I took two of the pills and of course that's a long drawn out waiting in line at the dmv to get your tag renewed and then you find out you're in the wrong line, so you wait in THAT line, and have one question for the lady, can i ask you, and then you're back in the back of the first mother fucking line you started in. This is what they use to make people crazy. They test you. Everyone's a fucking test.

They watch you, they monitor your brains, your heart rate and when they think you're just about to burst, they let you go. Some people don't make it though, they blow up anyway. They have to take those away before they even reach the window.

It's fucked up everything is fucked up. i don't know why i don't have a job, but i surely understand the effects on a person who for some FUCKED UP REASON NEEDS WORK TO LIVE. I NEED ACTION. I NEED PEOPLE. HOW CAN A LONER NEED PEOPLE. I JUST DON'T GET IT.

I don't understnad why i was made this way. why did i get the major balance of the crazy genes? and how did i also manage to acquire all of the fucked up "prove it to yourself/everyone else" genes. SO I'M CRAZY, BUT I WITHSTAND IT JUST TO PROVE SOME IRRELEVANT POINT TO SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T EVEN MATTER!

why do we do that? why do we care about those who don't care about us? People at work dont care about you - they just want something to talk about. here, let me put my arm around you in order to feed you some of MY special brown-nosing juice. then you just tell me every little thing that is \bothering you....I'll care (or try to).

My heart feels like it's going to explode, and honestly, i hope it does. I'd rather go out in a flash of glory like this, full on crazy. Then to die in a car crash. Because as we all know YOU MOTHER FUCKING CONTROL CRAZY, LIKE ID LIKE TO CONTROL MYSELF WITH A GUN IN MY MOUTH.

I'm not going to do it - i want it to happen naturally. maybe all my disease will come together and create this fucked up mega-fuck entity. Here we have a mix of depression, anxiety, reflux, meniere's, codependence, chronic pain, the fact that i'm a woman and have feelings and shit, i have acold, i'm on my period, i havren't gotten out of the bed before noon or brushed my teeth in three weeks,

the downers. the downers are up. i don't know how to fix that. it would be like skiing in reverse. or hearing me tell another story without having to use some GOD DAMN FUCKING psalm or illustration of ignorance. i always DO that. it's what makes you endearing BULLSHIT it's what makes you FUCKING ANNOYING. You'll never get married or date, because you're changing and not in a good way. youve taken the path of "righteous" - the righteous which "they" instilled in you - instead of the path of not internet dating because someone believes its bad. but you meet all the wrong people, and in mostly the wrong places.

and they TOUCH YOU, and they fuck you and they RAPE YOU, and i've looked in your eyes and know that it was you he raped. They all rape us. I can see it in his eyes too - except his always betray "i really didn't want to, but i couldn't control myself"


Control. That is SO fucking important! I can honestly say right mother fucking now, I'm am totally in and completely mother fucking out with not even a thread to spare of control.

I just want
I just want
I justwa nt
i justwant to

be able to let go and say to hell with it, this is WHO I AM FUCKED UP GENE POOL FOR SALE!!!!!!!

hahahahahahahahaha that's what I tell them whenever they ask, tell me about you.

well, i'm crazy, depression, chronic pain.

must be horrible. can i have my phone number back?

That guy I fucked in the park. That guy I fucked while I was in rehab. The guy who raped me at my very first apartment. The fact that as i sat on the porch of my mom's and my home, with Aaron, the one i loved more than my own life, and TOLD HIM THAT I LOVED HIM BUT I WASN'T IN LOVE WITH HIM ANYMORE.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssss my fucking brain is screaming at my to SHUT THE FUCK UP WOULD YOU? NO ONE WILL EVER CHASE YOU THIS FAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OHhhhhhhhhhhh of course, HERE some the tears. *sniff I PROCLAIM ON THE INTERNET, WHERE PEOPLE ONLY CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES, BEING FAMOUS, HAVING THEIR PICTURE UP, HAVING OTHERS ADORE THEM, WANT TO BE THEIR FREIDNS. They hob nob all right so that they're eulogy will sound good at the funeral.

"she was always so nice to me online! she never forgot my birthday, and she always sent me 117 babe points on FB. she wuz a3e50nnE!!!!!!!!!!


if you can't spell the simplest of words with your schedule, you should either learn to loosen up or be shot. that's all.

I USED TO BE AN ALCOHOLIC! (and i'll be god if i'm workin gon it again)


HAHAHAHAHA Some of us can't make it. I can't make it. No one sent me the packet for me to sign up. In fact - oh, I know where mine is. My mom has it - she figured i would NEVER FUCKING BE ABLE to do anything for my own fucked up loser self, so she'd keep the secrets of life all to hers

Up yours MOM. You have royally fucked me up. I don't remenber this, or I would have stoppped you. and you took my bank account away when i overdrew once. I WAS FUCKING 15 TEACH ME A GOD DAMN THING.

I'm not pretty MOM. I won't make it on my looks MOM, unless i spread my legs more often. anything more you can tell me about that??????? ANYTHING? ABOUT MAYBE CHEATING WITH PEOPLE, PEOPL I STILL TO THIS DAY KNOW AND MEET AND SEE AND CRINGE AND WANT TO FILLET?

people i will never be able to talk about, because of the shame they would bring on their families. well, even though their families don't know, it doesn't make the disappointment any less THERE, by those who know. those ones you don't think know, they know. and they scowl when they see you. soooo many of them, seeking to set apart their justice, since everyone else can.


God damn people. God damn us all. We are dammed, whether we are saved or lost. We always pick up new bits of info - don't hurt others, don't cheat, don't sneak around - yet we all continue to do it, because at the time, it can be justified and be given complete amnesty and reason for what happens. i was in this part of town, she asked me up, i just assumed, she threw herself at me.

And, from ME, what do they want? They want FUCK. They want sex. NO ONE wants to hear anything the day after. I mean why would they? They GOT WHAT THEY WANT WHAT THEY WANT WHAT THEY WANT - he just parked a Publix sign on top o yo head! And you can pick up a coupon as you walk in the door.

We do the same - we do it and do it and claim womens rights. WHAT? You're bunkus, AND you're a whore! I'm a whore too. I take what i want and go.

I lived the ULTIMATE life of sin, but I've since come back, with a pyrrhic effect it seem. I've brought along several companions that give me uninhibited fun.

And the farmers WHY DO WE CELEBRATE THEM??? They've been DESTROYED by Monsanto and by big corporations and their god-damn here have it now where's my toy can i get a fucking refill on this damn diet coke actions. You celebrate it all based on your own hubris - these are the last pictures you're going to see of a farmer on a tractor, because that is so beginning of timme. But we celebrate you, the ones who did all the hard work to get the land up to spec, so you could come in and do all the fucking easy work.

I'm envious! If I had all the money, I'd give it all away. Everyone in the whole fucking universe gets 100 fucking pieces to barter and trade. Use them wisely. Instead of let's elect an official and give him ALLLLLLLL THE FUCKING MONEY FOR THEM TO "HONESTLY DISTRIBUTE"

GREAT IDEA!!! *high fives all around*

And, we'll call it "ECONOMY."

Hey, btw did you get your check in the mail; i never saw a check; i got mine and it was less than they said it would be

Who's going to stand up? No one. And, we're all guilty. We can't assume we've all had the same experiences, the same lessons learned, definitely not the same psychotical because your dads family tried to fucking kidnap your shit, puppetal, latchkey baby mothers and upbringings. just trust me on this.

Lucky, my stent through hardcore was brief, but harmful. I lost the two THE TWO MEN I LOVED by being me. THE CRAZY ME!!!!! Me. ME. mE. me. me what a fucking joke. We lose our ways and try to make sense of whatever you have in front of you.


just because it's THERE RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU IN THE ROOM YOU LEFT IT IN YOUR PANTS IN THE DRYER there. You're looking right at it. Sometimes it comes to visit later.but whatever you're given DONT TAKE THE GRAIN OF SALT!!!! It's no good, and with it, the stories start to make more sense. Can you see that?

The world, the meaning is to be kind - to CO-EXIST. That's the reason, otherwise, he would have only put one lousy bone-headed lackey out here. if God wanted to see fussing and hatred the world have only had those people. Your not god's video game. i know you're not because you told me that even you don't believe that.

GOD ISN"T VENGEFUL. he just wants you to get up, brush your shit off, get your shit together, and give him a few min to talk to you. There are those of us who aren't as strong. it's about strong protecting the weak, no dividing land and air up over what's mine is mine.

GOD SAID THAT? In the BIBLE>??| Someone needs to show me that. It's US. I don't even blame EL DIABLO with the fire and triton and stuff that HE could make us be as stupid as we are. Your head is stuck in a confundus cloud in the maze. you OBVIOUSLY can't figure out right from wrong. understandable.

BUT AS A sane human being think - I ONLY CARE ABOUT MYSELFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!

I CAN'T SAY THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how do you do it teach me because it's obviousy the only way to survive anymore. compassion gets you a BULLSHIT BOOT PRINT to the forehead.

This is incredible. Jack is whining, stuck in a crate covered in piss despite the fact i just cleaned itout. yes, i regret having him right now. i do love him and will do whatever i have to to make him happy, but right now., i need a babysitter or a surrogate family to help. or a boyfriend, which won't happen. fuck guys and their fucking whatever makes them them. i've THROWN myself at him, and he doesn't want to do anything but fuck. WELL I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING BUT FUCK. how does that strike you? pants on fire, running the other direction? thought so, you god-damn pussy.

I'D LIKE ANY FUCKING FAMILY TO HELP! this is where i open up, and it won't be good. my familys busy i know with family and school and work - i wish i was that too.
But i get very, very few calls or checkups on how i'm doing as time wanes. i know exactly how grammy feels. i mean, she lives in town and she can't get any family action. she does some - i'll admit dianes really changed since her church transition-thingie (and i will get yelled at that later) and her collecting bobs backpay insurance. "Just pray and it will happen"

Well here's an idea. What if god make me this complete psychopathic entity such as myself and then wants me to be patient???????? I'm running the funds down of one of my friends. I know everyone's down, but i don't even get a remotely inquisitive question about HOW I AM. I DON'T WANT ANYTHING FROM YOU MOTHER FUCKERS JUST YOUR GOD DAMN VOICE ON THE PHONE EVERY SO OFTEN AND FEIGNING ANY SORT OF INTEREST ON WHAT'S GOING THE FUCK ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How's your bank account - empty. Hows your car search - frivolous. LET ME ANSWER QUESTIONS ABOUT MY LIFE. It's funner that way! It make me think you give a GOD DAMN
about me at all. I mean, I supposed I don't care if you do, it's just all niceties. I don't FUCKING want anyone to do anything - JUST MOTHER FUCKING LISTEN - IS THAT REALLY SO MUCH TO ASK??????????????????


is it? am i too needy? i call at all the wrong times. i call when i need advice. i call when i want to hear your voice, amy - when i want to hear my mama, again. i talk to you, phil, because i remember at one time we were good. i don't call to fucking get laid. the only one i'm honest with is my grandmother - and all she does is worry. i don't call heather anymore, because she's too busy. and she's leaving. and it's already changed. i'm a horrible friend. i really really am. i wish i could get anything right. i suppose i do better when things are in order and i can find things, and my clothes arent dirty. but i need help. i want help. i want a partner - not a gay partner, but a guy partner. i want to get back into that comfort zone where i know i love someone and i know he loves me. i'm not looking for stellar, just commitment. but what happens when you find all the people who want you, but you don't want? what happens then? what do you do? i KNOW if i work with someone. i can tell, and most guys i get - i can promise it won't work. because you have no idea what sort of train-wreck you think you can handle.

just find me, someone. please. i coudl really use your help right now. if nothing else, just fellowship.

just talk.

AND thank you my dear cory. hes just imformed me that they position at his place has been filled.



Facing it all, with very little ammo...

Yeah, I haven't been on in a while, but I promise to get my mind together and get posting again. Just not right now. I'm in a pretty salty state-of-mind, so you really don't want to hear what I'm thinking. (Which is actually the best time to post, but I'll try to calm down in the meantime.)

I finally got into my apartment (still waiting on someone to help me move the fucking tv), and I finally got my internet (although, I'm not using it near as much as I used to). I'm wavering on the tight edge of depression, not having a job, no car, being broke, and having to rely on others just to be able to take a breath in the morning, so I'm under quite a bit of duress. Plus, they cut off the water to our entire complex today, because we had a water mane break last week, so it spewed forth completely clean water (what a waste) all weekend long.

What I'm trying to say is I'm really pissy, AND I'm about to start my period. I'd just as easily punch someone in the face right now, as buy a loaf of bread.

I'll update on SOMEthing soon. There's so much, I don't even know where to start. But, I think I can manage.

Until then, don't hold your breath.

Love you, guys.