My Life Hurts

I'm moving today.

I don't feel like it, though.

I just found out that my best friend is going to be moving back home to Brunswick, GA in April. So, I've officially had all the wind let out of my sails.

My wings have been clipped, and I'm laying on the ground, tired and naked and vulnerable.

Most of you won't understand why this is such a big deal to me, but I know there's a handful of you who will.

I'm defined by who she is. I am who I am, BECAUSE of her. I'm always hesitant to let so much of my being be attributed to the results of another person. But, it's true. Heather has seen me through the worst stent of my life, and I owe her everything.

Her husband, Lee, got the job at the new VA that's being built in Brunswick. Her family and all her old friends are also there, so I truly can understand why she wants to go back. If Pell City built a new hospital and I could get decent pay, I'd totally go back there - not because of the city, but because of my family (I don't think I have any friends back home). But, that's a difference between a 40-min drive and a 6-7-hr drive.

I knew this was in the works, and I knew Lee getting the job was inevitable. But, no matter how long I knew about it, I don't think there was any way I could have ever prepared myself for this.

I had hoped to amuse you with anecdotes about moving this weekend, but I hope you'll forgive me, as I withdraw back into the dark, interminable forest for a while. My heart is shattered, my hands are shaking, and the tears just won't stop falling. I had horrible, fitful sleep last night, where I woke up crying, tormented with horrible dreams. It was only after I had regained coherence that I realized that all the nightmares were true, and she really is leaving.

As usual, I'm not looking for pity. I'm just asking for your patience. I may be a strong person, but it doesn't come without a dreadful price. I'm only talking about it, now, because it's the most important thing I have going on. I was excited about moving to my new apartment...but now I can barely move my arms. I feel like I've done something very horrible to deserve this - and, yes, my heart is already trying to cut ties. My friend Kristin was here last night, helping me pack, when I got the news. Kristin said it's just that reactionary "cut all ties before you get hurt anymore." I understand. Even before I had hung the phone up, I'd already started to resent her.

None of that matters, though. All the little stuff is just feelings and crap, and it's all very trite. In the overall big picture, I just want her to be happy, and I know this will make her happy. It would make me happy, too. I could hear the happiness in her voice, in the brief moment we were on the phone.

I can hardly hold my head up, I'm so worn. I keep thinking that I don't know how many more trials through which I can possibly push myself. But, I suppose I'll live through as many of them as it takes.

I came upstairs, while Kristin was downstairs and cried out loud. I didn't cry to God - I'm mad at Him right now, even though it's not His fault. He's not doing anything to spite me...but I'm still mad. I just cried for sorrow. The girls came and got on the bed with me, and Jack whined from his crate. They know I'm hurting.

And, I am.

She wants to come over to help us pack today, but I don't want her to. Kristin said I should cherish the time I have left with her, but...I'm in so much pain.

I suppose I should be looking for bigger and better things to happen, now, but I can't even see through my own tears. I NEED time to mourn. And, I DON'T want to hear sermons or preaching or crap about friendship, because I just need time to hurt. I need time to cry. I need space to fall apart.

But, this time, I'll be putting my own pieces back together.