ok, so here's how the conversation went:
(i'll be playing the part of "m" in this)
m = me
h = him
h - "hey, so how come you never call me anymore?"
m - "..........i don't know."
h - "you don't want to be my friend?"
m - "........i guess not."
h - "why not?"
m - "...because it's incredibly awkward for me?"
h - "it doesn't have to be - it can be fun!"
m - "...not for me."
h - "well, you need a good friend."
m - "i already have one."
h - "well, you need another one."
m - "no, i don't."
h - "wow, that's cold."
m - "well, i'm a cold-hearted bitch."
h - "well, don't ever say i never tried to be your friend."
m - "i never did."
then, i don't remember what else he said, because i hung up. i'm getting pretty good at hanging up on people, when i'm finished talking. the conversation lasted less than 3 min.
you know, i tried to be this person's friend, and i couldn't. i just couldn't. I TRIED. but i still feel too much. and i just can't. why can't people just leave me the fuck alone? don't people know that i'm so fucked up that there's no hope for anything??? what have i done to this world that it feels the need to kick me constantly? i've been having such a horrible time lately, and i've tried desperately to stay the course. i haven't wallowed in my sadness. i haven't done things to refresh these wounds that have healed so unevenly. all i've done is try to build myself up and encourage myself, again and again, with no one else's help. and i don't WANT help! i'm doing so well! well, not really, but a little bit! and a little is better than none at all.
so, he calls. why? what the hell do you want from me? i can't GIVE you what you're asking! i tried to! and i failed miserably! just because YOU feel ok, doesn't mean i am. i mean, i'm all for people taking chances and speaking up when they feel they may never have another opportunity. so i guess i'm unfairly accusing him. i'm just still hurting. hell, i'm still hurting from my LAST failed relationship.
i'm pretty sure that i'll never be in another "normal" relationship again. that's ok, though. i've kind of accepted it. my mom never remarried. why should i? i haven't found anyone who can...put up with me. and that's ok. i'd rather be alone than with the wrong person...kinda like now...wrong person...hmmm...
i've just been so tired lately. i have a doc appt in two weeks, and i'm hoping he'll find something wrong for once. i got in trouble for falling asleep at work, a few days ago, and i didn't mean to. i'm just SO TIRED, and i haven't done anything to deviate from my normal schedule. i haven't even been working at my second job a lot. and i'm eating. and i'm fine. except i just feel like i have molasses for blood and all my body parts weigh about 1000 lbs each.
god, i feel like my heart is being ripped open again. i hate my heart. i hate my emotions. there's not one redeeming quality i can find in myself. all i'm doing is sucking up all the good air, taking up space. I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M HERE. and i don't really care right now. wah wah wah, bitch, moan, gripe. god, i get sick of hearing myself, being in my head, having my thoughts.
i don't KNOW why anyone would want to be friends with me - to feel better about themselves? you know, i've never been friends with any ex's. i've never been able to. it's always...awkward. like this. i want to. i just...can't. i guess i wasn't finished caring. it started kind of against my will. i just wanted a dummy - someone to pawn my leftover emotions off of from aaron. and i fought it, day after day. then it ended abruptly. that's when i had started to realize there was something there. so i forced myself to stop, after it had burrowed its way in and become a permanent fixture in my life.
so, ONCE AGAIN, i was forced to give up on something i wasn't finished with. for the second time. this is the SECOND TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED. first with aaron, now with phil. what the hell? no, i mean, REALLY, what the hell? what is it? what am i supposed to be doing? why does this stuff always have to be ongoing? why does it have to linger? why can't when I move on, OTHER PEOPLE move on and vice versa? i can't even get my shit together. i mean, not that him wanting to be friends with me is me doing him some great honor, but it's just that i can't perform ONE SIMPLE TASK of being a friend. i cannot physically BRING myself to do it. i can't block the emotions from coming. i'm having a hard enough time blocking the tears that are welling up behind my eyes. i have to keep telling myself that i can't do this at work. i can't allow myself to feel like this. not here, not anywhere, not now, not ever. because what good will it do? nothing!
i mean, at least i was honest! i could tell him, "sure, i'll be your friend, but i'll never call, i'll never be around." or i could come around and just constantly act awkward while having to suppress my feelings - yeah, THAT would work. like i'm not a human mirror of emotions: *while crying* - "i'm NOT crying! my eyeballs are sweating!"
people who want to hurt me - just leave me alone
people who love me - you leave me alone, too
people who i love - i'll leave you alone
people i don't know - just stay away
now, i'm going to buck up, put on a big, false face, walk down to the caf like there's nothing wrong, and get some lunch and try to force it into my sick, distraught gullet, so that no one notices that anything's wrong, even though i don't FEEL LIKE DOING ANY OF THIS. then after lunch, when i go to the bathroom, i might decide to tear the bandage off the wound and cry out for a brief moment, put the bandage back on (where no one can see it), and get back to work. can't do it at home, because ricky's there, and i hate when people ask questions. i don't want anyone to ask about this. because i don't have the answer - ANY answer.
just leave me alone. i'm doing fine without you.