all that lost time...

one of my very favorite sites is the postsecret.com website. i read the new secrets every monday, because there are so many secrets in my life that i'm afraid to admit. and ON SO MANY OCCASIONS, someone has posted something that i feel is truly mine.

this week, i saw "if you wait too long for the perfect moment, the perfect moment will pass you by".
i don't know what the perfect moment would be in my life, other than going home. i don't really know how to define "home" anymore. i wish that my family was so fulfilling that i never needed anyone else. but i do. because i'm a girl. and because i'm human. and because we were made to need someone of the opposite sex (or if you prefer, a partner) in order to exist.

also, "people with mental illness enrich our lives...so why do i feel like a freak?"
i know there are people out there who think that i use the term "depression" entirely too liberally. these are the people with whom i prefer not to associate myself. if you can't understand that i'm sick, and that i REALLY AND TRULY CANNOT CONTROL HOW I AM, then you need to find a pier and take a running leap.

here's a secret - when aaron and i first split, after i moved into my first apartment, i was raped. i tried to tell myself that i wasn't, and that i must have been asking for it, in some strange, sick way. but deep down inside, i know what it was. for the past 5 years, i've been emotionally abused by guys i've met. i've been physically abused by guys who get off on that kind of thing. and i've put up with it. why? i don't really know. because there's no way that you could ever find the perfect person through that.

honestly, why? because i feel as though i deserve it. i feel as though i deserve every slap, every punch, every horrible word, every one night stand, every tear, every heartache, every night of being so upset that i vomit until i pass out, and every night of crying myself to sleep. i deserve all of that, and more. i think, for the things that i've done, for the thoughts that cross my mind, for the man i gave up on, i don't deserve to die.

that would be the easy way out.

and sometimes, i think that's the only reason i'm still here, is because i deserve to suffer. and you know what? i've become pretty good at taking it with a closed mouth.

I WISH BEYOND EVERYTHING that i didn't have these days - that i never felt this way ever again. i'm in such financial straits that i can't even afford to buy medicine for myself. and so, i make due. i don't have anything but my friends and my family. i have my job, which i enjoy, because it keeps my mind occupied.

you know, i don't say these things, looking for pity. i get that from plenty of people. and it disgusts me. it makes me sick that people would pity someone as worthless as me. i say them because i have to. i have to remember who i am. deep down inside, i have a heart. right now, it's just a sucking, black hole that engulfs any emotion that comes within its gravitational field. but under that, it's a little, red heart. and it has good things in there somewhere. i think i've just forgotten how to use it.

life used to be so perfect for me. nowadays, a good day for me is if i don't have to take pills at the end of the day to stave off a panic attack. and you know what the sick part is? i'm not even suffering.

i have a job, i have an apartment, i have family & friends who love me dearly, & i'm incredibly healthy, except for the fucked-up brain part. i make myself suffer. no one else does it. i do it to myself. apparently, i'm addicted to sadness. i can't let go of the things that are no longer there. i can't push myself to move forward. i'm starting to lose the will to even get out of bed in the morning. no, i won't kill myself - i don't deserve to leave that easily.

don't pity me. i don't want it. i just want acceptance. i need encouragement. i need people to listen when i talk. i know things will get better (or worse), it's all just a matter of time. i don't know what will happen. i don't even know if i'll go to work tomorrow. maybe i'll get lucky and just stop waking up. just know that i get tired of fighting sometimes. this isn't easy for a girl who lost her mom at 22 and walked out on her husband and picture-perfect future at 25. my past crops up A LOT to bite me in the butt, as it should. i think about it more than i have the energy for. and like i said, this is a downswing. in a few weeks, i'll be a completely different person, and you'll never know these things were on my mind, aside from this pitiless post.

but this is me. this is the real me. this is who i am when i close the doors and when i don't answer the phone. these are the things that are constantly streaming through my mind at any given point in time. i can be totally happy, playing with my kids, when a memory comes flooding back and breaks my heart all over again. i swear i don't ask for this. because it hurts. and to be truthful, i'm really tired of hurting. the struggle sometimes becomes too much to bear. all i want is a second chance at a decent life. i want to never worry another soul with the things i do wrong. i want to never have to break down in the bathroom of a grocery store, because of "that song" that blares over the muzak. if i had the guts to set fire to the past and begin again, i would. but i don't. so i drag my skeleton-filled closet around with me everywhere i go.

i didn't have these problems before mom died. and no, incidentally, i don't blame her for my sickness. yes, i do blame her for some of my shortcomings, for how she raised me, for the things of which i was ignorant. but i'm an adult now, so the time for blaming your mom is over. also, i don't blame aaron for anything that happened. it was all me. i don't want anyone to ever think bad of him. he never did anything wrong. he was just one of the biggest victims in the self-discovery of my illness. i acknowledge that he's not coming back. i'm pretty sure i'll never even talk to him again. and for that, i mourn.

here's another secret:
i've written more than two dozen suicide notes in the past 7 years...and the part where you cry out to your dear friends and family for forgiveness - that's what has always stopped me.

one day, i'll find a place. but it won't be today, and i'm pretty sure it's not going to be tomorrow. as dr. agee says, i put it all in a box in my head and pull it out later when i have time.

i think i'm gonna need some more boxes.


Tabatha said...

just wanted to let you know that im reading. and i care about you :)
love you.

Laura said...

I love you girl- even if we don't see each other, like at ALL...but I do care. I understand about all that you are saying- I have been in some bad relationships also, and I realize now people get into and STAY into things like that for various reasons- mine was my past and growing up with my father. I didn't realize love wasn't suppose to hurt, demoralize, or make you feel subpar in general. I have counted on my friends countless times- I think you remember a few in high school. I am still hear for ya.