10.30.2006

my f*'g job

mood: belligerent

see, this is the kind of shit that bugs me to death. my boss puts up on the board, "thank you for all those who volunteered for extra shifts." you know who volunteered for all those extra shifts?

me.

so, instead of thanking me, personally, because that would require effort or something GAY on his part, he puts it up on the board, to suggest that 500 other people have put themselves out in order to pull the weight of the department. well, you know what? you're not welcome, because i need the money. i wish i could say that i DON'T care about if the department has enough people, but i can't. i'm retarded like that. i worry about how things go when i take a day off or call in. i know the building isn't going to catch fire or everyone is going to lose their jobs. but it's just that "work ethic" that my family so graciously bestowed upon me. thanks, guys.

i had a pretty crappy weekend, and for some reason, i don't anticipate this week as being very great. something's in the wing, and i don't know what, but it's not good. it's probably just my defunctory "women's intuition" - but it ain't good, whatever it is, and i'm ready for it to stop taking up residence in my chest, dammit. my mood has been terribly foul as of late, and i apologize to any of you who might be subjecting yourself to reading this. this is not my normal demeanor. and once again, i had brief glimpses into the past me this weekend - maybe i'm envious that i can't evoke those feelings of "me" more frequently than i do. i just want to be free of this burden, whatever it is. i want to let go of everything. not necessarily responsibility per se, but of this weight that i've been carrying around for the past 7 years. but i can't identify what it is, so how can i let it go?

god, it feels so close to the surface, like something is about to explode out of my chest - something that i don't want in me. but it's like i'm too afraid to let it go. or keep it in. or something. i don't know - it's just there, and i wish it wasn't. how do you let go? i've tried to pray. i've tried meds. i've tried talking. i've tried banging my head on the wall. nothing seems to work. if i thought that it was doing any good, like sucking up all the ills of the world, i might be less inclined to complain. but since it's not doing anyone any good, me being how i am, i'd rather just kill it where it lies. i don't want to bury it, because as everyone knows, that always has a tendency to poison the water, and i don't really want that.

god, blah, blah, blah - i don't really know what i'm saying. nothing that's making a difference in the world, and that's all i really want to do. i don't care about seeing my name in lights or in the paper or anything like that. i want to make people happy, make people laugh, help people get along in their lives. i don't want to get into all that right now, because that's a whole new bowl of cereal, and that's what my tummy is thinking about right now.

anyway, here ya go. where's my paddywagon? i need to take a nap in the padded room. *sigh*

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

hey,
just wanted to let you know that i'm reading. and i care. and people that read this read not b/c it makes them feel better about themselves, but b/c they love you.
:)
love you.

k2 said...

god, i swear, i dont even have to type here. you know EXACTLY what i just said. dont you? see...
not much im gonna say here, other than you are not alone.
spooky x-files music
alot of both of us rests in the same place. the key word there was rest. i wish you some rest from your hurt heart, i wish you some peace of mind.nice blag.your a trip. thanx for sharing.really.
word.
beacause i luv u so much!