Regression for transgression

I became a teenage dirtbag at 24, when I was no longer a teenager.

I fell in love for the first time, when I was 19. He was perfect, despite what many of you think. I lost my mother, but he and I still got married. I didn't understand how depression really affected a life. I also didn't really get how much help I truly needed, and I fought it. So, headfirst into the odds, I threw everything I had - my completely perfect life, yet muddled mind - into the woodchipper and lost everything. It was my fault - I'll never deny it. I'll also never forgive myself. I've tried, but I've always failed.

I fell in love again - this time, with a self-proclaimed and active atheist. I denied it for a long time. Once I stopped my rebuffing, though, I still couldn't iron out the dilemmas and incontrovertible complications that I would continue to have with this sole issue for the rest of my life. I managed to run him off, too.

I don't want to fall in love again. That's far too many people to "have loved" in your life. That's too many people to look back on. That's too many memories to have to sort through later on. Far too many pictures, too much evidence to have to burn to get on with your life.

I completely understand why people just marry Mr. Whoever/Ms. Right Now when they get older. I'd love nothing more than to find my "soulmate" - but I really don't anticipate that ever happening.

I don't know about the rest of the universe, but that makes me feel incredibly empty.

I'm turning 30 in a few days. In case you CAN'T tell, I've pretty much thrown up all road blocks and closed all avenues for a real relationship anymore. I don't foresee finding anyone as good as I've had in the past. I'm not trying to be the harbinger of doom or emo or whatnot - just realistic; grownup; whatever that means.

Sure, I know people who are older than me, who have found exactly what they've been searching for, later on in their lives. I don't see that being me. The kind of person I would discern for myself is already married/taken/dead.

I remember writing an essay in grade school, posing the question, "What will you be doing in the year 2000?" I clearly remember writing that I would be a kindergarten teacher, married, with 3 kids.

You never once look at yourself, while growing up, and think, "I'm gonna be a complete and total loser when I grow up. I plan on estranging as many people as come into my force field."

Those colors in the Crayola box tend to run together, year after oppressive year.

Just so you know, I went out with a couple of people in the past month, - "dates," if you will - and I think I'd rather go to work naked for an entire month, at the hospital where I work, and eat live roaches for 3 square meals a day, than ever date again. I think I hate dating, and I'm pretty sure that will never change.

Heather used the word "pedestrian" to describe someone once, and I made fun of her for being so cruel with her highbrow analogy.

Coincidentally, I now consider "pedestrian" such a kind, good-hearted word.

I'll be damned if I actually hoped this one guy would manage to fall into the toilet and drown in a foot of water, for being so stupid. I found myself wondering, "how can you possibly exist, if you're this much of a selfish, self-centered, narrow-minded, brutish, angry, prejudiced prick of a mother-fucking redneck? Can't they revoke your air-breathing privileges after a while?" I swear, if this asslicker used the N-word one more time, I think I would have physically projectile-vomited into his face...on purpose. I try not to get all up in peoples' faces, screeching and psychotic, about their aversions, prejudices, beliefs and stuff on the first date, or if they slip-up and say something retarded.

I do that sometimes - say dumb things.

But, I'm pretty sure this guy's, either mom and dad, or grandmother and grandfather MUST have been brother and sister.

&=( Where do they come from? &=(

If I knew, I wish they'd stop storing nuclear waste there. Or put high-sensitivity land mines around, so they can't get out.

And, the fact that they're, for some reason, attracted to me like flies to the landfill, does NOTHING for an already non-existent ego.


Life is SOOOO much easier to bear, when you have someone to help push it all away at the end of the day. It's too bad we're all so weird and picky about with whom we get yoked. I'll be damned, though, if I'm getting courted by scum of the earth. I don't like to think that I'm better than anybody, but most people just make my stomach hurt...in a bad way. As a matter of fact, I think I'm going to go throw up now.

You know, if I ever find that essay, I plan to eat the entire thing, page by page.

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