bruised, but still here

i don't know how other people are, but for me it's so easy to get hurt. i hold things too closely, and i take too much on, too fast. it makes for my own drama, but no one can say i never had the ability to love.

my heart is so full of bruises and scars, which all could have been avoided, had i not been through the past several years. had i been sane enough to see the path ahead of me, who knows where i would have been? would i be worse off? no, probably better.

does it matter anymore? not really. only to me.

i'm tired of looking.
i'm tired of the search.
i'm exhausted by the prospect of a new day.
i'm sick.
i'm lost.
i'm losing.
i'm undermining myself.
i'm grieving.
i'm alone.
i'm all that no one wants.
i'm nothing that anyone knows.
i'm falling.
i'm afraid.
i'm not...

so, what does all this mean? it means nothing, to anyone but me. if it did, it wouldn't be mine. i hold my depression in a certain light. in a way, i'm scared that it defines me. i'm terrified that if it goes away, who will i be? i've been it, and it has been me for so many years, that if it goes away, will there be anything left?

what a ridiculous thought, i know. but they're my ridiculous thoughts. i want to be fixed. i want to be well. i want someone to find me and say, "there you are! i've been waiting my whole life to find you..." i don't want to be the fall-back. i don't want to be revenge. i don't want to be second. i don't want to be "ok". i don't want to settle. and i certainly don't want someone to settle for me.

my heart is hurting. it's like it's being broken all over again. losing, and being lost. i would have rather never been loved, than to have loved and lost. because the loss is so great for me. loss is losing. losing is death. death is inevitable.

it's times like this that i'm pretty sure i'm never going to be able to get involved with anyone ever again.

i can't stand the prospect of rejection - so i want to be first. i'm first to reject, first to push away, first to get angry, first to fight, first to throw the punches, first to walk away - i was first. i was always first. and because of that, it was on my terms, not yours, no matter what i said to you.

they were all lies - but it was because i was always going to lose, and i wanted to be first. i wanted to be the one to walk away. not you.

don't walk away from me while i'm talking to you. turn back and come towards me, so i can be the one
to walk away.

it's me, not you.

it's the culmination of everything.
the consummation of everyone.
the conclusion of experiences that drive me into the ground, over and over and over and over.......
obliterating me.
killing me.
making me and UN-making me, every single day.

but still, this has to mean something. ok - it means i had a bad day. it means i'm not feeling well. it means i've traversed another "bump," but i'm still alive. why? i don't know. but i hope it's to do something great for someone else one day. i hope one day, i'm strong enough to take the hands of people who are burning alive in the hellfire and walk them through. not for them to say "thank you" or "you're great", but so they can say, "i made it".

worth is individually merited. what's worthless to you might be priceless to someone else.

just some thoughts, to share...on a bad day.

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