1.14.2010

Can I go, now?

So.

I didn't get the clinic job.

Somehow, I expected that.

But, now, I'm out of ideas of what to do...for the rest of my life.

I've come to the realization over the past few months that I don't like my life. There are people in my life whom I ADORE, but I just don't like MY LIFE. I don't LIKE being an x-ray tech. But, what can I do? I have a degree in something, that no one wants me for. Or, I think it's just that no one wants me.

That woman completely judged me on my resume. I have a hole-filled resume, for about six years, until I got the job at Highlands. Then, I was at Highlands for four consistent years. But, I guess that doesn't matter. Joe said they're looking for patterns. But, how can you see a pattern in something that hasn't been there for over four years? I have a feeling I'm going to have to redesign my resume, which is ridiculous. The JOB WORLD is ridiculous. It's all about lying and padding, to make things look better.

Look, do you people want the truth or not?

The woman who conducted my interview for the clinic was a real ball buster. She kept asking me all these really personal questions, and it made me feel really uncomfortable. She kept asking me what my ideal job was - she was waiting for me to say that I wanted to spend the rest of my born days in that clinic, but I'm just no good at lying. I can stave off the truth for a while, but I can't outright lie and brown nose like that. That's why I wasn't any good at Highlands. My boss wanted brown nosers, and that just wasn't me. I'm sorry - let me rephrase. My boss wanted brown nosers OR pretty girls, and I am neither.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I was really worried today, but I gave myself the rest of the day to be mad and pissy and cry, but I'm over it. Now, I'm just trying to move on to "what to do," or Plan Bazillion and Four. I don't LIKE not having a job. Yes, I would like to have a job that was better suited to me, but what is that? I haven't the slightest. And, all day, I've been fussing about how I should have just stayed in school for Biology, which was my original plan all along, but I didn't. I'd even like to go back to school, but that's out of the question for now. Right now, I just need a JOB. I need MONEY, to make ends meet. A friend put on her Facebook, "by the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends." Oh, how true that is.


Lately, I've been contemplating selling (or giving away) as much stuff as I possibly can, putting the rest in storage, giving my animals new homes, and just going somewhere else to start over. But, I'm deathly afraid that I'm just going to be running away from something that will follow me everywhere. I don't even know what that is. I'm so focused on money and paying off debt, I really have no room to think of anything else. Money consumes my mind and is what keeps me constantly stressed. It definitely IS the root of all evil. I mean, if I could pay someone in things that I HAD, I wouldn't be in debt (I can pay in cat hair - that's really all I have enough of at the moment). But, money is a scarce commodity in this house. I don't even buy things for myself anymore. I live with what things I have, and I pay the bills for the necessities. Granted, internet probably isn't a necessity, although, it helps to have while you're looking for employment.

Bah. This subject is so broad, and I could drone on for hours about it, but I'm not gonna. Tomorrow's a new day, and just as with every one of my "tomorrows," I'm going to get up and start over and pretend that everything's going to be different. It never is, but it helps to tell myself that, in order to keep myself fooled into having a reason to wake up in the morning.

I have a few job leads (thank you to those of you who have kept an eye out for work for me), so I'm going to wake up tomorrow and start making phone calls. Unfortunately, my sleep is completely out of whack, and I'm totally the opposite of a morning person, but I'm going to do what I have to do. Because that's what I do.

For some reason, God deems it necessary to keep me here. To be honest, I pray for death so often now, it doesn't even concern me anymore. I don't feel as though I'm doing any good for anyone - just BEING here - so, what's the point in keeping it up? I haven't the slightest clue. Really. I'm so depressed, and I dream of an infinite, painless sleep. But, it hasn't happened. And, I still believe in God - always will. I don't know what His plan is, and I kinda don't care anymore. But, I'm going to keep going, because it's JUST WHAT I DO.

I exist, because I'm here. I will always be plagued with this horrible depression, but I'm learning to cope better. I don't know what I want out of life, because NOTHING makes me happy. I keep trying to find it in other people, but that hasn't worked out. In fact, I panic and back out of every relationship I've had in the past. I want nothing more but to go back to him and fall into his arms - it might not have been perfect, but at least I was happy. There was a time when WE were happy. I made a horrible mistake, but that's what happens when you judge people for something they're not. I miss him so much, it sets me on edge. And, no matter our differences, I loved him. Still do.

Damn.

Hey, I'm good at making mistakes - are there jobs for that? No. No, I didn't suppose there were. I'd never get that lucky.


I'm so thankful for the people I DO have in my life. I'm thankful that he was pushy enough, to the point that we ARE still friends - at least he's still in my life, albeit very little. There are things that I do appreciate in my life, but unfortunately, I can't focus on those things. Those things don't make me money - and that's where I fail, miserably. I shouldn't be so hellbent on making money, but much to my chagrin, that's what makes the world continue to exist. And, that's what pays my bills. They're right - you can't function on love, alone. Love doesn't pay the bills. I have no love, though, so it's not something I'm concerned with.

Friendship does keep you afloat when you're drowning, though. I miss my friends. I miss being social. I miss not feeling like shit every, single day of my life. I miss not dreading going to sleep and dreading waking up. I miss not biting peoples' heads off. I miss happy. I miss me.

But, I know me. This won't go away, until I get work. Until I have something where I can keep MYSELF alive, I won't achieve happiness of any kind. I'm just...here. I'm just quietly falling apart inside, and I'm trying really hard not to take anyone with me. At least I admit it. At least I admit that money and work and having my bills taken care of makes me happy (okay, that's more of a temporary happy). It's not even the money, itself - it's the prospect of NOT having those unpaid bills hanging over my head, and NOT having creditors call me 15 times a day.

I don't know that I'll ever NOT struggle in my life, but I sure as hell wouldn't mind a damn break. The lottery? Sure. Whatever. I'll take anything. I'm not picky. But, I've been working FOR YEARS to get back to zero, and I'm constantly being stifled. Hell, I've been working for years to get back to metaphorical zero, in my LIFE, but even that hasn't happened. It's that typical scenario - you save up all this money to get your brakes done or get new tires on your car, but something's constantly going wrong, to keep that money drained, so that eventually, one day, your brakes go out. But, it doesn't matter, because you don't have the money to get them fixed anyway. So, then, you drive with shoddy brakes, until you end up having an accident, which is always going to be more costly than what you were aiming for in the beginning. It's Murphy's Law - and everyone's had it.

I never had a slice of bread,
Particularly large and wide,
That did not fall upon the floor,
And always on the buttered side.


I feel you, bread.

2 comments:

kelly steffey said...

i'm sorry you didn't get the job, but even though it sounds as if you needed it, i think you have been spared from doing something that didn't make you happy.

we have been molded into a miserable society that puts money in front of our happiness. the happiest people i know have next to nothing and are doing the work they absolutely love. the unhappiest people i know have an abundance of income and material possessions yet they aren't happy because they spend the majority of their lives at a job they don't like.

in my experience, when you follow your passion the money will also follow. it may take time and it may not be a lot but you'll probably be the happiest person you know.

we only live one life and we shouldn't spend a moment of it doing something we don't enjoy. you don't want to look back and regret anything.

for me, i enjoy living a simple life. less material possessions, less spending money on things i don't need, which means i don't have to work very much which also means i can spend more time traveling, doing things i love and really investing in myself and building a life with happiness and no regrets.

i sold almost everything i had and was able to travel this whole summer without working and it was the best summer of my life (so far). i've moved back in with my family and now i'm doing something i love (farming) and even though the income will be small, i will be able to get by. i don't mind because i'm so unbelievably happy this way.

so in short, my advice is to put your happiness first. be positive and everything will fall into place as it should.

wish you the best

Jimmy said...

Thank you, Kelly. &=)