Hey, happy father's day to all the daddies out there! Just know I'm incredibly envious, because I never got to know my dad, and the only guy I ever viewed as a dad molested me when I was younger.
But, hey, happy father's day anyway! I know that there are some good dads out there, and I hope you're one of them!
There were SO MANY times I wished I had a dad. Everybody else would talk about how great their dads were, and it made me feel so empty. What if I had a dad? What would he be like? Would he give good hugs? Would he let me sit in his lap and hug him, even when I got older? Would he be protective and want to meet all my friends and boyfriends? Would he take me to work with him and show me off as his "beautiful baby girl?"
Actually, he did do that. He and my mom worked for the same construction facility, Alabama Flange, and I seem to remember Mom saying that she would bring me up there, while she worked (it was a family business - they didn't care), and after I was born and she brought me up there for the first time, he took me from Mom and ran into the plant to show me off to all his buddies. I guess that means he was proud. Anyway, Mom was really freaked out that he and those guys were going to get me dirty, since they did a lot of dirty work.
Then, there was this time that he took me for a horseback ride, while my Mom had a coronary. I'm all swaddled up in my baby blanket, and Mom freaking out, yelling for him to bring that baby back!!! &=) That story always makes me smile, because I can just picture my mom. She was awesome.
You know, come to think of it, those are the only two stories I know about him. And, I have like three pictures of him. It's all very...vague. I wish *I* remembered...
Not too long after that, he was killed in an accident at work when I was like six weeks old.
I can't remember if she said they took me to the funeral or not. My earliest memories, though, are of still being in a cradle, except I was of standing age at this point. We lived with my Grammy & Granddaddy for several years after my dad died. And when we got our new house built, I was terrified of it. I remember being so scared that I'd never see my grandparents again. Everything turned out fine, though.
For some reason, this got me into googling people in my family. I found several things on various people; my grandmother, my grandfather, my grandmother's sisters, ye olde plant, Alabama Flange. I couldn't find anything on Mom, though, and of course, that got me to crying. I thought that if she would have made it, even for a couple more years, you know her name would be all over the internet. She'd have her OWN blog. I know she wrote. I read some of it.
Anyway, I couldn't think of anything else to look for. My memory is really bad, and I don't remember a lot of things. I wish I knew more about my dad. Like, was he a good guy? Was he a good dad? Did he like me? What kind of dad would he have been for me in the future? Would he have cried as he gave me away at my wedding? But see, now I can't even ask her. I just don't remember...
There are times I sometimes wish I had a whole family unit - a mom, a dad and a kid. I've ALWAYS wished for a sister, be like Erica & Shelb. Or maybe a brother, who would always look out for me and be protective, even though he'd mess with me all the time.
For some reason, though, God chose for me to be on my own, yet with a good support system. And, I've pushed and struggled and made it this far.
On a lighter note, that got me to thinking - they've got mother's and father's and grandparent's...why don't they have a Single Person's Day, where you can celebrate being single, and alone, and depressed? Oh, wait. I guess that's Valentine's Day.
Well, I'm still going to petition for Single Person's Day, where people can come bring me gifts and make reservations at a nice restaurant for me to dine alone - "one, please." They'll have sent me with money, of course, so I don't have to pay. And, maybe later, I could just go home and watch all the videos they rented for me - alone.
Yeah. That would be awesome.
Holidays are stupid.
While they're for giving thanks for the ones you DO have, they remind you a lot of the people you've lost and how much you miss them. At least that's how it works for me, since the only person I loved as much as I loved my ex-husband, my very best friend of my life, is completely gone.
I don't know that I'll ever be even slightly complete ever again.
All I can do is pray for strength and ask for love and support.
I should probably start now.