Check, please

Hey, thanks so much for all the sweet words and web-hugs. I'm really lucky to have such great friends who care so much. It makes all the crappy stuff you go through not quite SO crappy. Thank you all, and I love you!!! &=)

Ok, so here's what's up.

I acquired pneumonia and some freaking sinus infection, so I've been really, REALLY sick for the past week. Doc won't even let me go back to work until Monday. So, I've taken a WHOLE FUCKING WEEK off work against my will. I'm really pissed about that. I have PLANS for those days...

Ok, then he and I have been texting off and on over the past three weeks. He actually came over to visit me Mon or Tues and brought me some Dayquil. &=)

But as my last post suggests, I just don't see it there. I hear from him, I don't hear from him. I'm not saying he has to talk to me 24 bleeding hours a day. BUT, that's why I think he's not interested. He seems...bored or something around me. And he only wants to "hang out" sometimes.

Granted, I don't know his situation. He may still be dating someone? Or living with someone? Or something that I'm not supposed to know about? Whatev.

Which brings me to the meat of the post. He texted me tonight and wanted to know if I want to go get drinks tomorrow.


And, before you say it, NO, I can't leave things alone and let them just play out however they will. I have to anticipate. I have to be prepared. Is this going to be one of those, "you know we can't date. I just want to be friends." Ok, well, in that case, why don't you just tell me and get it over with?

Or is this a real date?

I have NO problem taking things slowly (that's a lie), but I need to know if there's some prospect at the end of the road. I'm too old to be just flippantly dating anyone. I'm ready to meet THE ONE. I'm ready to settle down, I'm ready to start a family, I'm ready to mesh my life in with someone else's. And, Hewy, before you say it, I'm NOT trying to get married just for the sake of getting married. I have NO intention of doing that. But, there are things that I'm ready to do with my life, and I can't do them alone. Or rather, I won't.

That's the current drama. I'm so nervous about tomorrow...I just can't relax.

And there's so many decisions I have to make tomorrow. Should I wear "being sorta dumped" clothes? Should I wear regular date clothes? Should I let him drive, or should I drive my own car, in case I get "friended" and have to leave? If he drives, and I STILL get "friended," should I wear running shoes or take cab fare?

And, yes, I am thinking all of these things as I prepare myself for tomorrow.

I just have this feeling, you know? But, I have horrible expectations for everything. I'm just hoping this time is one of those women's intuition malfunctory thingies. This is the reason I changed my number. I don't want to past to keep coming back and hurting me. I've moved on from all that. If there's a place for him or anything else in my future, then good.

If not, why are you doing this to me? You already know me and know I'm not able to do what you want me to do. I'd love to be your friend, your best friend, but in this case, I wouldn't want to stop at that.

I love you, and I want you to be happy, but I don't know if I can play a bit part in your happiness.


Wish me luck and strength tomorrow. God knows I'm going to need both. &=\

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