For some reason, words fail me today.
Yesterday, I got to see my old friend...and it was exactly as I'd feared. My entire being ached for him. But, I managed to restrain, and we had a really good time - or I did, anyway. I'm not sure about him. I was so bent on reeling myself in (and keeping myself calm), that I couldn't tell how he was. I swore to myself, also, that I wouldn't psychoanalyze all of his movements, my movements, every tiny action, every little word, every "sign" (of which I experienced MANY) and although I'm still fighting it, I know I can do this.
Heather said I shouldn't lie to myself, but I'm going to push myself to do this if it kills me. Just because I want him back in my life, in some form. I feel like I'm playing a never-ending game of arm wrestling. It's agonizing trying to just keep up my strength, but if I fail...well, then I fail.
I still get the shakes when I think about it all - about loving him, about being with him, about the things through which we went and carried each other (although, I know he did most of the carrying)...and about being in contact with him again. Haha, I guess I have cooties, huh? Boy cooties. *psh*
I still know that I could take care of him better than anyone in this world - no matter our differences.
Yes, I'm still in love with him. But, I'll never let it slip from my mouth. I have to do this - because I want to.
He used to be so understandably upset, knowing that there was the "other one" looming in my past, always there. He'd be surprised to know that the other one is gone now, replaced only by memories of him. It's completely insane. Now, he is my other one.
I gave up a lot when I walked away. I always do.
I fail at life a lot. I make a lot of the wrong choices. But, I'm doing so good this time around. I've had to make some tough choices and let some people go from my life, but it was worth it. It's worth it, if it makes me a better person.
But, not this one. I can't let this one go. If nothing comes out of it, friendship or otherwise, then that's the way it is.
I have to try, though. If I don't, this is one of those things that I can see filling me with great regret in the future.
Please, God, don't let me mess this up.
Tiny, baby addendum @ 2141p:
I talked to him tonight, and he said he had a really good time yesterday. &=) This is far superior to the rockstar. I'm not analyzing it - I'm just being really, really happy. I'm allowed to do that, right?