10.17.2010

Missing pieces


Holy hell. I've got to pull myself together.

I have no idea what I'm in this for anymore. I'm so fucking depressed, I can hardly get off the couch. I can't motivate myself to do anything. I can't even motivate myself to cry OR get help. I can't answer the phone anymore.

And, when I was standing at the Portugal. The Man show the other night, I actually resolved myself to death. I conceded. It's been ages since I've gone home with anyone from a concert, but I found myself hoping I'd run into the reaper on the way to the bathroom. I would have left with him, without a second thought or a backwards glance.

That scares me.

I need something. I can't find ANYTHING within myself anymore. I can't DO anything. No one has any inkling how fucking difficult it's become, just for me to talk myself into leaving the house...for ANYTHING. My bank account is in the red, and it happened because I refuse to go to the bank and deposit this check.

What is going on??? How long is this going to last? Is this it? Is this who I've become? What's the point in going on? I can find no motivation, no push, no drive, nothing but anger and resentment. I hate EVERYTHING right now. I've missed so many of my friend's parties. I've desperately missed my family. I completely abandoned my best friend for the last year or so that she was here, and now she's gone. I've missed out on almost everything this past year.

And, it doesn't seem to be getting better. At all. I had 365 days of hell. Why am I being forced to suffer more? I hate to be self-righteous, but why am I being forced to suffer at all? Every time anything goes wrong in my life, I make myself reevaluate who I am as a person, and how I could possibly be negatively affecting anyone in my life. It helps from time to time. But, every day? For 365+ days? Am I REALLY that horrible of a person? I TRY to do right, and I TRY to do things for others...pretty consistently, actually.

Jesus. This just goes off onto 90 different planes of insanity. It's so unorganized, and I'm so broken, I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired. I'm too tired to get help. I'm too exhausted to care. My self-esteem is so low, I can't even force myself to have a reason to physically stand up straight.

And, it all stems from me not having a regular job. How is that possible?


I'm so far from who I ever wanted to be, I can't even figure out what the fuck I'm supposed to do...except pray for death every, single day. I don't even want anyone to sympathize with me anymore. I can't hardly stand to think that anyone else actually feels this horrible. How does the world keep going on?

God, I need direction. A sign. Message in a bottle. A REASON. Sanity to check back in. Any time.

Please, life. PLEASE. Don't make me keep doing it like this. I'm so sick of this depressive repeater. I'm sick of typing the same shit. I'm fed up with being this faggy homebound human being. I'm tired of all my blogs being about the same god-damn thing every few weeks, months.

Fix me?

2 comments:

MattL said...

Aw, mcgillicutty! It's harder than anybody knows doing what you're doing, kid. Despite how it feels you're not alone.

Jimmy said...

I'm trying. Holy crap, am I trying. I'm losing myself in the fight, and I'm completely anti-that. &=( I used to be fun...