growing old sucks

i'm up from a nap, just to lay down again. i haven't been on, nor have i been communicating, because i really haven't been well. i DON'T know what's wrong, but it's all through my body, and it's been going on for months.

so, sometimes the pain makes me throw up, and that and my rapidly plunging self-esteem tends to make me a little unsociable. if it's extraneous (talking on the phone) or my life doesn't depend on it (bathing), it's not going to get done.

i have lots of doc's appts and tests coming up, so i'm actually thankful. i have a friend who's a surgeon, and he's really been trying to help me out through this rough time. he's given me samples of different meds to see if they work, but so far, we're coming up dry.

i'm really, really sorry to everyone out there who might, in SOME way, be relying on me. i swear to GOD that this isn't in my head. it's all over my body. and it hurts and i don't like it at all. my entire life has come to a standstill, aside from working, which nearly kills me every single day, but i have no other alternative.

just to let you know, i'm still alive. just not in a functional shape right now.

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