non-suicidal suicide note

Current mood: depressed

Some "stuff" has been going down, and I'll just say, I've had a really, really rotten past couple of days. I took a whole bunch of crap to help me sleep and forget last night, and after I took all that stuff, I realized that I didn't take into consideration whether or not any of it would interact with other stuff. So I posted a "non-suicide" suicide note on my computer screen, in case I somehow died in the middle of the night. Unfortunately, as I write this, here I am. Awake at 4a in the morning, and still pissed and hurting. No need, really, to go into what caused this. It's all irrelevant now.

Anyhow, here's my note. Just a little something to make the autopsy go smoothly:

In case anyone finds this, and I'm subsequently dead, this was not suicide, although I'm sure when I wake up in the morning, I'll have wished otherwise. Merely the steeping of the pain of the loss of love. I took 2 lortab, 2 klonopin, a toporal, half a celexa, my calcium, and about a third of that bottle of malibu rum in the freezer. If anyone wants to know what I ate, it was pretzels & gatorade. Let's just say it's a low point for me right now. I already feel like vomitting. Pain level for my hip is about a 7, knee is a 3.

Any other info about me can be found in any of the yearly labelled boxes around my apartment or in my storage shed at my aunt's house. Unfortunately, you probably won't find anything shocking or interesting. For that, I'm sorry.

Please make sure my girls (who should remain together, be that they're sisters), my mom's ashes, and my Allie cat are appropriately cared for. My pictures - fuck 'em - they're memories. Memories I don't even care about anymore.

I love you guys, and I'm sorry for being me. I wish I could have been a better me. Tell my kids I love them - Erica, Shelby, Austin & Braxton - you were the reason for my every existence. But you're growing up now, and you're all intelligent and beautiful - I know you'll be ok. Just remember that your Jimmy loves you, and I always will. Grammy, Amy, Gordon, Mark and Diane - I could never really express what you guys meant to me. This family...the distance has been so hard on me. But coming home would have been even harder. Mom and Aaron were there. And of course, Phil was here. All my adult life, I've felt lost, with very little direction or discipline. I love my mom more than anything in the world, but she never gave me appropriate guidance, helping me to segues into a healthy adult life. My life only existed within her boundaries. And that's fucked me up my entire life. No matter - I'd never have chosen another mother. Not a whole lot of people really understand me. Not even me.

Sean and Heather were my friends - my true friends. Heather was my best friend. She was one of my substitute moms. There were so many times when I was in pain, that she'd just wrap me up in one of her quilts and just hug me and let me cry it out. We grew apart when her kids were born. But no matter - she was always there. She supported me when I thought I had no one else. There are people who have been here for me, people I've neglected to mention, and I'm sorry, but my coherency is fading fast. There aren't words in the world that can explain my people. Beyond perfection. Beyond caring. Beyond luck. They were my people, and I couldn't have asked for anything more, but to be a better person myself. I'm so sorry. And I love you all. There are times I cry myself to sleep, thinking about how I feel my heart will burst from how much I love everyone.

This will be one of those nights.

Thank you for loving me. Please forgive my indiscretions.

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