8.16.2009

Anaphylaxis due to sorrow

This is not going to be easy.

I can already tell.

I took a handful of meds about 30 min ago, in the hopes that their cumulative effects would efficiently knock me out. No such damn luck.

Jack is agitated, I'm standing on the edge...aside from getting very little accomplished yesterday with moving, this has been the worst weekend I've had this year. I'm trying to be objective and adult about all this, and I can already see, it's not going to work out that way.

As harsh as this may sound*, and as many people it's liable to offend, you know I have nothing but real and true love in my heart for all of you, who have managed to stick by me over the years, even if it's only for my "incredibly entertaining and spontaneous wit," as one friend was recently quoted as saying.

(Seriously, WHERE do you guys come up with this stuff? Hey, I'm TOTALLY flattered, and it makes me smile, but I haven't the slightest idea how I'm any more entertaining than that horse who ended up spending the night in the alcove of a bank. Stuff happens, words come out of my mouth, I do things, and that's it - I pretty much follow the same patterns everyone else does.)

*I don't trust anyone. Once she's gone, there's no one on earth in whom I have that absolute and implicit trust. And, I don't know how I'm going to deal with that. I NEED to have that one who is my complete, impartial sounding board. And, although there are people who love me (question your motives, please), there will never be another soul who is as absolutely intune with my life as she is. My friends are her friends. She knows my every thought. She can sort and separate every tear I've ever shed. We've had a friendship that could rival all others.

I would NOT be alive today, if it weren't for God's grace of letting me borrow her for a while.

But, why?

So, now, this lame human being will be left to the elements, tossed to and fro in a sea of distrust, untrustworthy emotions, lies, snakes, thieves, the selfish who seek only to build within themselves and only destroy all those external.

How can this happen, just from her moving 450 mi away, a 7-hour drive?

It will. Not because I want it to. But, I'm not big on relying on false hope. I'd rather be disappointed now, with the possibility of redemption in the future, rather than pretending it's all just going to be hunky-dory.

Already, the dynamics of our friendship have changed. No, I don't love her any less. I just suddenly feel like I've been inadvertently thrown from the airlock, without a tether. As I'm slowly floating away, I can see the friendship, as a whole, orbiting around what used to be our planet, our life together, in the inky, black void. But, eventually, time will take over, other friends come into play, LIFE goes on. Not much you can do but "stay in touch."


I wish everyone could understand what I'm talking about. I wish everyone had one of "THOSE" friends, the one whom you could call in 3a in the morning, if you drank too much and forgot where you parked your car; or to whom you can cry about dumb things, like Harry Potter's owl dying; or you can use the most random string of words, and she can always translate - because she always knows. She always understands.

She's the kind of person who, even within a week of meeting her, and you end up in the psych ward at the hospital, she'll shock you to death by voluntarily coming for a visit, armed with nothing but a card, a hug and a few encouraging words.



As eloquently as I'd like for things to come across, I don't know if there's ever another word I'm going to be able to say to her.

I just wish I could avoid the personal affront this is creating in my mind. I don't even want it to be an issue. But, I can't stop thinking about it. It wears me out. The crying is draining me. And, I've lost that awesome fire that was stoked, when I got my apartment. This has created an angry mark of dispair, that now stains everything.

I don't want to tell her these things, because I don't want to hurt her. I'd give my life for her to never have another tear fall from her eye, to never experience another ounce of pain. I guess that's why I'm telling myself. Once again, though - I don't trust anyone. Not even me.

I know that I can never give her back what's she's given to me - unwaivering support. And, there's no sense in me even trying, because any of my attempts would seem so trite and "pedestrian."

Haha, I can't even use that word without wanting to laugh, but all that seems to be coming out are these stinging, hurtful tears, laced with feelings of betrayal and anger. My throat is coated in mourning, and I feel like if I say anything, all that would come out would be a sad hymn of the loss of innocence. My brain pounds with good memories and bad. My heart skips beats for all the time we didn't make the most of.


I'm so sorry. This won't make sense to any of you, and I apologize. The way I describe it, it's like I'm watching her die or that I'll never see her again. I wish I could simplify my feelings about her, but the only thing I can possibly relay is, I've always put a LOT of stock in having friends and then, a BEST friend. I may say someone is one of my best friends, but that friend has nothing on Heather. It's just because somehow, Heather and I have always had this special connection, this level on which we alone function. There's nothing that I've ever requested of her, that she hasn't been more than willing to provide, no matter how heinous.

She's been my mother, my sister, my devil's advocate, my sounding board, my conscience, my everything...

I can only tell you that she's my very best friend in the world, and although I must, I don't want to do this without her. I'm losing her. She may still grant me the honorary gratis title, but nothing will ever be the same.


She's my best friend, and I love her. And, I'm scared to lose her.

2 comments:

Holly said...

I am sooo sorry. You've had a rough time lately. I will pray for you. And for your friendship to stay strong. I love you.

Jimmy said...

Thank you so much, Holly. What I wouldn't give for YOU to be closer and for us to be able to restrengthen the friendship we once had. Distance is so hard for me...