people helping my ass

Originally posted Saturday, September 16, 2006

people helping my ass
Current mood: exhausted

yeah, this post will probably be short-ish too. i haven't been feeling too hot lately. it seems like whatever can go wrong IS going wrong. i went in for a minor surgery and came out with a somewhat serious and debilitating infection, that i'd like to point out is NOT nosocomial (hospital-acquired). it's a staph infection, but i didn't get it from the surgery i had - it just....kind of....happened. and it's in...my butt. anyway, i didn't get it FROM the surgery, but i think the fact that i was resting solely on my tailbone for 2.5 hours made the cyst that was apparently already there abscess, and everything just sprung into action.

nevertheless, i've been doing everything they tell me and trying to TELL myself i'm better, but i'm not. and i know i'm not getting worse, i'm just hurting worse. i have to go to the er every 2 days, so they can pull out the old packing, squeeze it, probe it (blah), irrigate & clean it, and repack it - but each time they do this, they're putting in MORE packing, and it's making the pain worse. oh yeah, and i usually say the abc's when i'm in a lot of pain - i thought that relevant to mention.

oh, and it's called a pilonidal cyst. well, actually, mine has turned into an abscess.

i'm worried about work, because i don't really need to take any more time off. well, i'm worried about money too, because as bad as this hurts, my financial situation is worse. i had to make one of my roommates leave, because he didn't follow the rules that i had laid out. he's really pissed, and i really hate it, but i have a feeling that he never had any intention of cleaning up in the first place. it's just the deduction i've come to, after the events that took place afterwards. and i don't really fault him for it, except that he was just on for a free ride and probably would have used me for everything i was worth, had i anything of any worth.

and he's one of those ones that pledges his undying loyalty to you, NO MATTER WHAT. but the conditions were apparently, "unless you kick me out, and i'm in complete denial of what you're accusing me for." i hate when people do things that they KNOW are wrong, and then they cop a friggin attitude when they get caught. that's all he kept saying is, "this is so fucked up."

sure. whatever you say.

i hate it, too, because he has potential and talent, and somewhere in there is a decent person, and now it's all going to be wasted. and i assure you, it WILL be wasted. oh well.

this has kind of changed my perspective on helping people, though. it's been a real experience, that i'd like to never repeat. i still have two other guys staying with me, but they're doing fine - in fact, they both just got really great new jobs with benefits and all that, so i'm really proud of them. i just usually invest a lot emtionally in helping people, and i think that's my problem. so if i ever help anyone, i guess it's only going to be people that i already love, because i can't get involved without caring. back to my family & true friends - these people love me, no matter how perfectly insane i get.

still hoping to join the peace corps and get as far away from american society as possible. i know there are problems everywhere, but this will be an adventure to me. i think people who don't live in america have way more appreciation for human existence. we're so sheltered & overfed & self-righteous & gross, we have no idea how really lucky we are.

ok, i have to go - i'm at heather's, and she just came down to talk to me. hope everyone's doing well. i'll try to post more often, but i really have been in my own world of misery & suffering. i know it's not as bad as it could be, but it sure is bad enough.

and lemme tell you one thing - fuck karma. no matter what "he" says, i didn't do ANYTHING to do this. apparently, i'm paying for things that OTHER people are doing, which i wouldn't doubt.


oh yeah - check your buttcracks.