10.15.2007

DON'T JUDGE ME!

Ok, ok, NO, I didn't post like I said I would, but I'm pretty sure most of you are used to that by now, the fact that things with me don't ALWAYS PAN OUT. If not, you really...shouldn't be here, and that's the God's honest truth.

Ohhhhh, anyway, it's like midnight:30, and I should be in bed, and I'm 'bout to be. I just wanted you guys to know that I cleaned house ALL DAY, and my entire spine (and knee, yes) is killing me. For once, though, the weather was nice, and I was able to be a little more mobile than I've been feeling these past few chilly days.

My spine is getting pretty bad, though. I actually think I'm going to start back to the gym, even though doc's saying no. I just won't do leg work. But I've got to stay mobile. This winter is going to be baaaaaaaad, and I say that without the inflection of a sheep.

Once again, I'm in the pooper with finances - I just can't figure out who I owe, how much, when, etc, etc, so I'm liable to have things cut off. As you all know by now, my phone DOESN'T WORK. I don't get messages, even when people leave them. It turns itself off and is just a general pain in my butt. But, I still have to get out of the financial straits with them before I can be asking for a new phone, phone number, etc.

Oh, and here's a good one: I slipped and fell off the porch yesterday and sliced my finger wide open. THIS TIME, though, I wasn't drinking. And I was by myself, thank God. But it's my left bird finger, which means nothing. My whole left hand is a joke anyway. It's just there to even everything out, you know - make me symmetrical. It really has no function. Anyway, the cut was so deep, that I thought I was going to have to go get a couple of stitches, but I managed to steep the bleeding on my own, and nearly amputate my own finger in the process. Good for me.

Um, what else? Yeah, I'll have to blag on the concert tomorrow. Ummm....crap. Every time I walk away from the 'puter, I think of all this other stuff I need to mention. Oh, I've been so fucking stressed out about everything, I managed to make myself start my period a week early. And, I'm ON birth control (for no reason), so there's no way I should be just randomly starting. But that's just my thing.
When I get nervous, I get diarrhea.
When I get super-stressed, I start my period.
Some of the primary reasons I CHOOSE not to be around people when I'm like this. Plus, the pain I'm enduring right now is pretty fucking ridiculous. But, I've decided that if I start back to the gym, that will help my endorphins kick in and kind of mute the pain. Because I'm not exaggerating a bit when I say I'm hurting.

And, pain, my friends, is my enemy. It makes my brain go nuts. I can't focus well, and I become a raging bitch. I'm assuming I'm going to be PMS'ing until January, when I have my surgery. Pardon me, if I become extremely reclusive. It's never personal, except for me. I don't like to be around people, when I feel this shitty. And, MAKING myself do things that I don't want to do doesn't help. Trust me - I'm pretty keen on the subject of "me." That's what I did my graduate thesis on.

Oh yeah, and the other thing is, I'm out of my meds (and out of money), so I haven't been taking them, and I constantly feel like there's a car wreck <carwreckcarwreckcarwreckcarwreck> happening in my brain. My whole face is numb, and I stay really confused.

I'm not asking for handouts or anything. I'm just explaining to youse guys why I'm going to be weird and extremely inexplicable (and raging) for a while. If you can't handle it, there's a door around here somewhere.

Please don't take this personally, but if you can't handle me for who I am, then take a fucking hike. And, I can completely do without the "personal help" tips. As I like to say, I'VE GOT THIS. It's all about time for me right now, and things just aren't happening fast enough. I don't NEED anyone's help - just your fucking understanding and patience.

Oh yeah, the house (my house) is thinking of having a post-Halloween costume party either 11.2 or 11.3, so I'm inviting you all. I'll do it again closer to time, but this is all in the works right now. We were just talking about having a huge Halloween party, and inviting everyone we knew, but everyone is either having or attending parties the weeks before and of Halloween. So, we've preemptively decided to do it this way. Like I said, we're still deciding, so I'll let you know the details as it evolves.

One more thing, I've been mentioning very little in the ways of my "love interests," and it's kinda gonna stay this way. I know the dude that I like knows it, but I don't know that he KNOWS it. Plus, he's one of those ones that I'm pretty sure is out for looks alone - he has a certain facade to maintain, unfortunately - but I'm working off of my "nerd cred" - that's when you're around so much, that when things fall apart for that person, they automatically zone in on you - kinda like rebound. But, I adore him and I love spending time with him (when I get to), and that's all I'm going to say on that subject. The end. &=D

Um, what else? God, so much. But I really need to lay down. I'm already not needing to go into work on this little sleep. There's also no way I can call in, either. Derrick, my partner-in-crime-in-surgery, his wife had her baby on Friday, so he won't be in for at least 2 weeks. Congrats, but buddy, I'm gonna miss you during those fucking Siegel frat parties. &=( I get nervous when there are more than 50 PEOPLE IN THE ROOM, HELLO PEEPULLSSS??!11!??! WE'RE DOING SURGERY IN HERE!!! I'M SO SORRY TO SPOIL YOUR TESTOSTERONE PARTY!!!

Nah, it's really not that incredibly bad. Derrick and I just have our cases worked out, to where we split between the things each of us can stand. For the fact that he does the Siegel cases, I usually do the Gould and Kirchner cases - it works out really well, because he hates doing those, and I love them. Both of us can do everything down there, and we get really pissed when someone throws a wrench into our system we have worked out, but we've just got it set where we're able to each do the things we can tolerate! Lmao! &=D It's killer, though - I love doing surgery. Hell, I love my job. And, I'm SOOOOO much more productive when I don't feel like shit. &=(

Oh, new development! I've just come to the realization that I am NOW a closet ICP fan. Well, I guess me blagging about it on the interblag doesn't make me very closety, huh? Oh well. I was Wiki'ing (hey, I verbed!) "Juggalo" the other day, and I ended up d'loading one of their songs to listen, JUST TO SEE what the big, hairy deal was.

I loved it. &=(

So, apparently, I am now a "Juggalo, -ette." And, I'm very sad about it. I've ended up d'loading a ton of ICP, Twizted, Kottonmouth Kings & Psychopathic Rydas. I mean, I'll admit that I grew up listening to Neil Diamond, the first cd we ever owned was Flimm & the BB's "Tunnel," and the first concert I ever attended was Anita Baker "Rapture" in 1986. But for some reason, admitting that I've fallen prey to the Psychopathic Record group...I mean, I even stumble over the phrase. &=( I mean, for God's sake, I remember when they were voted as worst band ever by Blender! And, NO, I don't get into the whole wrestling thing. That's just crap to me. I'm no UFC girl. I do my own UFC just making it through the day.

ARRRRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!

**** New challenge - tell me something embarrassing about you, something you LOATHE admitting to others. ****

Just do it. It will amuse me. It will make me feel better.

1 comment:

Anna said...

Hmmm....

Well, when I get nervous I have to pee a lot.

And I sweep the floors nearly non stop because I'm crazy about control and dirt on my hardwood floors drives me crazy!

I'll keep thinking...I know there are TONS!

Great post.

BTW, I'm broke too. :)