Phil (raises glass), this one's for you

I found an old post that I wanted to do, but for some reason didn't.

Anyway, here it is, unreread, unedited, and apparently uncensored:

June 20, 2008
You're so vain, you probably think this post is about you...

The title of the list was, "Hey, it's ok...."

The last item on the list was, "...to skip the whole 'I hope we can still be friends' charade. You have friends."

I'm glad someone exists out there who is objective enough to justify my feelings.

Stop trying to keep up with me. Stop talking to my best friend. Stop trying to BE my friend. Stop reading my blog, if that's what you're doing. If you don't want to have anything to do with me, then just stop. I wanted you in my life, but you betrayed me, by using any of my verified weaknesses to get what you wanted from me. And, THAT is what makes you an ass.

I loved you. I still do, unfortunately. I was willing to put aside my "ridiculous standards" and just love you for you, but it didn't happen that way.

"Did you think we were going to just fall back into this?"

Yeah, I guess I did, and that's what makes me stupid. I admit it. This was ALL MY FUCKING FAULT, ok? I thought you still had feelings for me. I thought you'd be able to forgive me for some of/all the horrible things I said and did. Yeah, I have an excuse - I was going through a divorce. And, yeah, you DON'T know what you had until it's gone.

Sure, I would have loved to have married you, had kids with you, traveled the world with you. I had actual "fantasies" about it. I remember the time you and I were laying on the bed, and I told you I had decided to join the Peace Corps. Tears were running down your face, and you said, "can I go with you?"

That was one of the sweetest moments I've ever experienced.

(Oh, yeah, and that time you left that sweet card on my car while I was at work...)

Anyway, now I ponder why you must have said that...but I don't think I'd like to reveal my conclusions.

Sure, I have a slight problem that your religious affiliation isn't the same as mine...but I realize now that it doesn't mean that you and I don't share the same morals and ethics. It took me a little bit of time to realize that. THAT, AGAIN, WAS MY ERROR.

You were the sweetest, kindest soul I'd ever met. I enjoyed being with you. You were never mean to me. I fought being in love with you. And, yes, I wanted to fall back into that, with everything in place. I wanted to BE in love with you this time. I wanted to give you everything you deserved.

I'd always been a late bloomer. Once again, in my life, I'm too late.

But that was no reason to use me like that. I could never imagine doing that to you. And, after I said that, your argument would be, "but you used me for ________ (fill in the blank) after your divorce." Yeah, but you know what? I actually LIKED you, and I DID feel a connection. Now that I think about it, it must have just been indigestion from what was to come.

I did come to love you, almost immediately. You were like no one I had ever dated, but I thought you were wonderful. I'm a doomsayer. I'm used to people leaving. I've told you this WHOLE STORY before. I'm afraid for someone to leave, so I try to leave first. I'm always afraid of being used. I'm afraid of being cheated on. And, I tried so many times to talk myself out of you being you.

The fact of the matter is you are you...or at least you were when I knew you. I'm sorry I messed things up. I'm sorry if I fucked YOU up. I fucked up, ok?


You're absolutely right! I SHOULD get "Royal Gigantic Fuck-Up" tattooed on my forehead! It'll go right below the sign over my head that blinks "Only Dates Jerks!," and is visible only to male assholes, because that's all I get!

But, yeah, you're right. You get what you deserve, huh?

Well, I didn't deserve that. And, I hate that you thought I did. Things have changed in a year. A LOT of things. I've grown up. I've mellowed out. All I want now is for someone to love me for me, and let me do the same for him. I want to throw my entire being into another person. But I want it to be someone who loves me.

I know I've made mistakes, and I'm going to KEEP making mistakes. But all I can do is ask for forgiveness and keep from making the same mistakes in the future. You didn't even give me a chance, but I do wish you would have.

I'm sorry for what happened between us. Hell, I'm sorry it ended. I still love you, and I wish I could get that part removed. One day, though, it will go away. Just like it did with Aaron.

Ha - now you ARE my Aaron.

I bet you can't wait for someone else to have to come and clean up after you.

Or, yeah. That's right. You probably just don't care. I don't blame you, though. I tried desperately to move beyond you, but my thoughts always returned to you. So many things I experienced in my life, and I wished you could have been there.

Tell your family I'm sorry. I know I was hateful. And, I am truly remorseful.

And you. I hope you already know that I'm sorry. But I can't make you feel what you don't feel.

Best of luck with your life, and I suggest you be a little more careful with peoples' emotions. I can say that, because I feel as though I was your latest victim. I can also say that, because I used to be a pro at that. Can people change? I don't see why not. I used to be an awesome liar, and now I just can't. I don't want to. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I just want love. I guess that's all I've ever wanted for a while now, but I still fought it. I wanted someone to emotionally fight for me. I wanted someone to hold me close, even though I fought to get away. I've always been a runner. And, I guess I needed a chaser who was fast enough to catch me...

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