2.19.2009

Stay to the right

Okay, lots going on, as usual. Can't post any details right now, because apparently people READ this stuff and try to pull out tiny, little details to make up great, big stories.

People. Seriously. Just read it and keep it to yourselves. Am I THAT interesting???

Not by a long shot.

Not lately anyway.

Think of this as a mystery. Let ME do the speculating FOR you. It's funner that way.


Right this second, I'm seriously nauseated from this pukey-sinusey-migraine thing that I've got going on. Been a long time since I've had a barf headache. And, I mean the regular kind - not the drunk kind. I haven't had a drink in I actually can't remember how long. Good for my stomach - not so good for my post-work psyche. (Psycho? Whatev. It's all the same.)


Major changes going on. Not all of them are good.


S
o
m
e

a
r
e
.

We'll see.



Ugh, bathroom - brb.



Nope. False alarm.


I'm getting ready to read Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living by Pema Chödrön.

I'm losing it. I'm losing myself. I'm losing it in work. I've even lost it in my daily life. I can't find who I am anymore. I AM compassionate! But, why has it all of a sudden fallen away? Why does it seem like the world (as in the people in it) seek only to destroy you; disassemble you until there's nothing left but the ragged, empty pieces of what could have been a great life?

How do you end up drained, staring at a television for the rest of your life, rotting away? How does it happen? Why? You can be so much more. You can do so much better. You can do whatever you like.

So, do it.

I can't STAND grappling with my BEING. I hate it. How dare you try to change me!??! You have NO RIGHT to talk down to me and be hateful to me! I refuse to put up with it anymore!

But, that's my problem - I get so frustrated, but nothing will change.



Well, things WILL change, because I will change them.

I've lost all desire to help ... to be a "team player" ... to work ... to care.

It scares the shit out of me. &=( I don't like it at all.

But, I'll get it back. I WILL leave here and become a part of what the real world expects of me. I will follow through with what I feel God is leading me to do. (Don't believe in God? That's okay - you can feel sorry for me when I'm dead.)



You won't pull me down to your miserable level. Not for long.

Because I'll see you at the end of this life, my face lined with the years.
Only my memories will be happy.
My life will be full.



Have you ever wondered:  what should your life reflect?

1 comment:

Rishi said...

Hey Jimmy,

I'm so sorry to hear about what's going on in your life. You are a wonderful, wonderful person and it worries me to learn that you are hurting so much.

If you need to talk, vent, etc., I'd gladly and patiently listen to what you have to say. I'm still in Birmingham and would enjoy talking to you.

Cheers and hugs.

Your veggie chum,
-R