In my state of complete intact sanity, I function on emotion alone. I have almost no reasoning skills, except when I'm depressed, and in that case, I'd rather have my heart broken every, single day for the rest of my life. I don't ever want to go back there. Preferring to die over preferring to love is something no one should ever have to experience. I've never not been able to relate to someone who is suicidal, although all I want is to reach into their soul and show them that all is not lost.
Well, that was a bit of an aside.
No matter, letting go of someone that you love so dearly is like getting lost in a dark catacomb full of nothingness. There's no one there but you. You can be completely surrounded by an amazing support system of those who love you dearly, but they're virtually invisible due to your selfishness.
I adore Phil. But, I know that he'll never love me as he once did. We'll never be an innocent as we were when we met. Back then, I could never let go of Aaron enough to give him the attention he deserved, and I know he'll always hold that against me. It's a hard burden to bear, knowing that he was worth so much more than I allowed.
I can wish for second chances on every dandelion I blow, but I'm trying not to live in a pipe dream. He's met someone else, who took a part of his heart which I used to possess, and I'll never regain it.
I wish I would have loved you in the way you were worthy. I wish I would have done things differently. I wish I would have met you earlier...or later. I'm so sorry. I'm so very remorseful. I wish you understood. And, I wish you would give me a chance.
But, I know you neither read this, nor care how I feel. You have your own life and have moved on without me. And, I have to accept that. Please know that my love for you is boundless. It's going to take me another forever to get over you. Don't pity me, though - life goes on, as you said. The sun will still come up, and we'll all continue to live.
But, the pain won't ever go unnoticed.
I love you.
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