The Christian and the Atheist

Ahhh, there's no way to pull out my thoughts, to put them on a page and cause them to make sense right now.

My friend Scott Brining from Kentucky came to visit me on Sunday and left today. We had an excellent dinner at Jinsei in Birmingham's very own podunk Soho (we have no capability for originality in this town), then witnessed a spectacular storm at the top of Red Mountain. Scott left today at lunch, and it's been so nice having a friend around, albeit only for two days. It's been close to eight years that we've known each other...but we don't feel that old!

I'm so glad that he came to visit, and I'm thankful that he made it down here safely, but I can't help but be plagued by thoughts of Phil. I missed him so much on Sunday, and I wanted him to be there with us, with my family. I want him to BE my family.

This is weird. This is too weird.

The Christian and the Atheist.

Yes, say what you want, but it doesn't and will never change the way I feel about him. Just because he's an atheist, doesn't make him a bad person, and I will defend him until the day I die. He and I put each other through a lot of stupid things, but I can assure you that I was the monster in most of those scenes.

2 Corinthians 6:14 - Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

Someone very, very, VERY close to me finally said what I'd needed to hear. It was like she'd read my mind. How can you only ever have fellowship with believers? How do you witness? How do you spread God's love if you only stick with your "own kind?" Just because he doesn't believe what I believe doesn't make him WRONG - it doesn't make him a BAD PERSON! It's a realization or an understanding that I've had to come to on my own. I tried to buy my way out the first time with, "I'm a Christian, and you're not," but after all I've been through, I've discerned that it doesn't matter what our belief systems, as long as we're all working towards the common goal. He's a good person...scratch that. He's a WONDERFUL person. He has a very full and kind heart, he has a beautiful soul. If you don't believe me, then you've never met him. And, if you STILL don't believe it, then you're a jerk and obviously not a very kind, open-minded person.

I don't know if he'll ever love me again. I don't know if he'll ever be able to fully face me again, due to all the horrible things I did and said about him and his family. I was so angry. I was so bitter that Aaron and I were falling apart. I needed someone to blame. I needed a scapegoat - and I USED him.

I don't deserve to be in his presence, much less to ask him for a chance of any kind.

Aaron and I had some wonderful memories - we were young and growing, and we managed to have a good life together. Times change; people change. My circumstances led me to change. And, I did. But, after Aaron was gone, Phil was there. And, he loved me, despite my horrid faults.

And, I threw it all to the ground. I'm in the process of writing him a letter (like the old-fashioned, hand-written kind), and in it, I told him that back then, I wanted more than anything to let go of everything and just love him. I wanted past memories to stop haunting me, and I wanted to give everything that I was to him. But, all I did was fight with myself, and in turn, fight with him.

All is NOT fair in love and war, Frank Farleigh. You lie. YOU LIE!!!!!

*sigh* So, every day is lit with thoughts and memories of him, hoping that one day, he'll scoop me in his arms, again, and tell me that everything really will be okay. When you're on all fours in someone's home, in the middle of a full-blown panic attack, telling them that you don't think you can go through with being friends, because you're still in deeper, desperate love than you had originally foreseen, it gets kinda hard to just pick yourself up, brush yourself off and walk away from that (dignity sold separately).

He told me to give him time, that there's always a chance for anything...but I can't help but doubt. Just because - well, if I were him, I wouldn't want to get hurt, again, either. And, I don't. But, I don't intend on using this for pain. I want to go straight through with this.

Yes, I said it - I'd rather spend the rest of my life with an atheist, whom I love with the whole of my heart, and who loves me back, than any and every other asshole I've ever been with in the past (some company excluded, those of you who were non-assholes).

Read this. It's very, very true.

I'm really tired of atheists getting the shaft. They believe what they believe. It doesn't make them BAD. And, believe you me, there are PLENTY of bad Christians out there, too. Otherwise, those psychopaths (ie. Westboro Baptist) wouldn't be giving us a bad name! Does anyone see the irony in all of this? THIS IS NOT NEW NEWS, PEOPLE.

Be open-minded, for once. Like, REALLY, REALLY open-minded - not the kind where you just SAY you are. You don't have to let people tell you what to believe - just take your, um, "enthusiasm" down a notch when you're talking to someone who doesn't share the same beliefs as you. Being a vegetarian, have I ever tried to force a salad down someone's throat? Of course not, and the reason for that is that it's MY CHOICE. Whether it's right or wrong, I have my own reasons for believing it. YES, I believe that God is an ever-present being in all of our lives...but that's what *I* believe, and that will never change. But, I don't THREATEN people with it.

Stop threatening people with YOUR beliefs! Just STOP! All you do is piss people off!

I'm SO SICK of hypocrites. I know I have my moments. Don't flatter yourself - you do, too. But, when are we EVER going to step up and take responsibility for flat-out being assholes to each other?

Never - that's when.

But, I don't mind. I don't mind being one of the ones to traverse into "enemy territory." I'm not scared. I believe that God will always have my back, no matter what. And, my attitude and befriending may be the only witnessing some people get. If you're an atheist, the only thing that you'll have to get over with me is that I pray for your heart. I'll ALWAYS pray for your well-being. I'm not dogging you out to my God - I'm telling Him to please keep a special eye out for you, because you're very, very important to me. Atheists think about others, too, and hope for the prosperity of their loved ones and betterment of the world - just not by going through a Christians' Higher Authority.

Please think about that. Please remember that underneath, we're all just people. If we were all the same, there would be no point to life. But, we should embrace each other and flourish. We should help those who cannot help themselves. We should strive to be the best we can be. It's all relative and subjective anyway. Not to get too philosophical at this point, but human beings are the ones who constantly change the nuts and bolts of "right" and "wrong."

Right now, all I know in my life is that I want to do "good" things, whatever that means. I don't want to cause anyone any harm, and I want to help people to become better and happier.

And, I want him with me. Not just anyone.


Incidentally, I think that "MY" God has a fantastic sense of humor:

And, He thinks THIS is hilarious.

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