I couldn't do it.
Last night, after the ex showed up, I couldn't hold my tongue. I sat there for an entire hour on my own, trying to talk myself out of it.
But, the second I saw him, again, it all came out like a geyser. And, I'm still having a hard time not repeating myself right this second.
He said, "Give me the time that I gave you with Aaron."
Okay. OKAY! But, I have plans, and they're trying to include you. And, I'm so trying to do this friend thing, and I SUCK AT IT. I do still love him. I am still in love with him. How could I not be? He's a wonderful person - he always has been. I've wasted all this time. I ALWAYS DO THAT! I'm trying SO HARD to stifle just taking him and running away - TOTALLY AGAINST HIS WILL. Do you know what that's called? It's called, "I'M LOSING MY EVER-LOVING MIND BECAUSE THAT IS KIDNAPPING/STALKING AND YOU COULD GO TO JAIL, WEIRDO." Thank God, I don't already have a white, windowless van - now, THAT would just be a catalyst for bad things to happen, eh?
But, help me out here. I TOLD him. I was on my knees, spilling everything - how sorry I was for everything, how he deserved better, how I still love him and that I was trying to secretly beat back my real emotions, but that all I wanted more than anything in the world was to get back together and do it right this time around....
WHAT??!? I SAID THAT?????
Jesus, Jen. I don't know how you ALWAYS manage to fuck things up. I'm just AGHAST! &=O
Okay, NOT everyone should know everything. I'm having a HUGE problem discerning between those situations...and people. Like I said, I function on emotion, alone, and I'm not good at "reading people." I have to be told things straight out.
Ohhhhh, is this why I felt so yucky the other day? Knowing I was going to TAKE OUT THE CITY JUST LIKE JENNIFER-ZILLA ALWAYS DOES?!??!??
("Sweetie, Jennifer stopped by. I don't know if you can tell from all the wreckage...but she told me to tell you hello.")
But, stay with me - or at least join me for this part. He didn't ask me to leave (I gave him all outs), he wasn't or didn't seem repelled when I told him that I still wanted to be with him, and he still wants to talk, or I'm assuming he wouldn't have said "call me/text me." And, I ASKED HIM FLAT-OUT (God, I'm a brazen thing in my old age!) if there was any chance of us getting back together. He said that he wouldn't write anything off, but he wanted to get to know each other and get to be better friends right now.
I hate open-ended shit. I mean, because I don't know EITHER! But, I guess I just want something to hold onto. I want to know he'll be there. But, I can't ask that of him. I said I wouldn't ask anything of him, and I can't.
I'm just a wreck this morning - I didn't sleep at all, having to fight for him in every dream sequence, doing whatever I could to make him see how much I love him. It was horrible - and it never ended well. I woke up, chest heaving, so many times, I don't know that I ever hit REM.
This isn't the whole story - I wish I could tell you the whole story. I wish you had been there for the extent of our relationship. Aside from the whole weird stuff that went into it, I think we had a really good relationship. We loved each other (I can only speak for me when I say I still do), we had fun, we could talk, we were friends - he was my best friend for a long time, and I'll never forget how he carried me through all that crap with Aaron. He carried me. And, I never really asked him to - he just did.
And, I'm still in love with him. Desperately. Enough to do those "crazy things" he once talked about. But, now they're unwelcome, I suppose...
Heather always said it was different for her to see me in a lovey-dovey position, but I HAVE that. I have it and no one has ever really seen it, because I always feel like I'm having to hold my own in some way or another. One of the sweetest things that I'll always remember was one day, when he was down by the hospital, he came and put a card on my windshield, so I would find it when I got off from work. It's that kind of stuff that I just adore. It's just those tiny things that tell each other that you're constantly on each others' minds.
And, I never did it enough.
I just want a chance to do it right. I know - I KNOW I already had that chance. But, I didn't get to go into it with a clear head.
I don't like using it as an "excuse," but I have been through some pretty fucked up stuff.
And, I finally feel like life is becoming liveable again. I just want to do it right.
I have to remember that God's in control, and I'm powerless to whatever HAPPENS. I can control some things (obviously not my mouth), but everything else is playing out exactly how it's supposed to. And, life will go on, no matter what happens.
I just have to pick up the knack for patience, something I've never been good with.
I still have this beautiful letter he wrote me. He's not much for typing, but every time I read it, it just breaks my heart (in a good way) over and over again. It's cool to remember what it feels like to be in love. It's incredible...and I hope it's worth something to him.
I remember everything - the warmth and smell of his skin, the ways his arms feel around me, the complete abandon that happens when I'm in his presence......it's like it was last night, about 3am.............