Kismet is beautiful

It's 1245p on Tuesday night, and I'm still awake. And, my nerves are absolutely shot.

I have no idea what's going on, but I'm incredibly uneasy.

I'm no clairvoyant, but something feels amiss. I need to NOT feel this way the evening before my aunt and uncle board a plane to come visit from Seattle.

I've got to get out of this fucking attic. This place feels like such a source of torment for me. I've never been able to pinpoint why, but...

Crap, I'm scared all of a sudden. There's a giant knot in my stomach.

I just took a couple of klonopin - surely, that will assuage my nerves.

Does it mean things, though? And, even if it did, does it matter? How would I compel the fates to bend to my predilection?

Geez, I'm getting in far too deep at 1a in the morning.

I get to go see Jack tomorrow, so I'll try to concentrate on that. Hopefully, I'll have him back in another week. I really miss him, and I'll be so glad to have him back home. It's funny how I only had him for a couple of weeks, but now that he's gone, I miss him like crazy.

Plus, the "other one" fills my thoughts a lot. It's really quite annoying, when there's nothing there. I guess I have to get used to that, although the longing that is always sure to follow is what becomes maddening.

Speaking of "other ones," I emailed my ex-husband to congratulate him on his marriage yesterday. He seemed really excited when he responded and inquired after everyone else. It seems as though most of my bridges have been rebuilt, after the Jimmy-quake / Jimmy-zilla invasion in the early 21st century.

And, I swear beyond all that is holy and good in my life, I'm so thankful it's over. Life actually IS good...but if you ever see me wearing one of those t-shirts, punch me.

Maybe my vexation is a sign that things are changing. I always say that, but then I can never recall if they do or not.

Also, I can't get Flight of the Conchords, Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros out of my head:
"Did STEVE tell you that? What's HE got to do with this? What kind of rapping name is Steve? Steve..."

And, babies. I have babies on the brain. BABIES! Babies. Babiesbabiesbabiesbabies. I'm having some serious baby-yearning issues. But the same serious "no daddy" obstacle. That's the thing of it, huh? I guess I could get someone else's weird-ass, three-tailed, half-headed sperm, but I don't have that kind of money. Not even for the fucked-up kind.

Stop thinking about babies.

And, everything.

Right now.

Here we go - this always helps....

Crowded House
Don't Dream it's Over

There is freedom within, there is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost
But you'll never see the end of the road
While you're travelling with me

Hey now, hey now

Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win

Now I'm towing my car, there's a hole in the roof
My possessions are causing me suspicion but there's no proof
In the paper today tales of war and of waste
But you turn right over to the T.V. page

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win

Now I'm walking again to the beat of a drum
And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only shadows ahead barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and release

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win

Don't let them win

Haha, I actually miss the 80's. &=) What a simpler time.

*Now I'm listening to Tears for Fears "Everybody Wants to Rule the World." I seriously want to make a mix-tape for someone right now.*

*Mr. Mister, "Broken Wings," anyone?*

I remember when me and Mom were fighting about whatever having to do with something about me being a teenager and wanting to grow up and her NOT wanting those things to happen, she BURST into tears and yelled, "It was so much easier when all I had to do was put a band-aid on things!"

I've still never forgotten that. &=) And, boy, was that ever the truth of it all.

*Haha, "Careless Whisper" from George Michael! The first man I can ever remember in my early youth as being gay. Little did I know, my mom's best friend Mark Hill was also gay, but I would find that out later. Now, every time I hear George Michael, I think of Mark Hill - sorry, babe!*

*Mmmmm, Duran Duran's "Come Undone..." I can see Heather and I locking ourselves in the car to listen to them and smoke and bitch about stuff, out behind the school, during study hall - and that isn't even a memory from my life! Lmao!*

Incidentally, ALL 80's music reminds me of Heather, just because that was "our time" - that's when she and I grew up. It also reminds me of those photos that I have from Mom, Amy, Diane and Mark Hill going to the Prince concert, and Mom brought me back a bunch of these fake flowers they had dropped over the crowd during "Purple Rain."

*Everyone's song, "Lovesong" by The Cure. 311 did a wonderfully dulcet rendition of this song that was absolute musical LSD for the brain. That song still holds a special place in my heart. ♥*

*Okay, okay - I give it up to Nick Hexum. I gotta listen to their version. Wow, this song takes me back.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥.♥. *

*U2 "With or Without You" - this will forever be labelled the "Friends" song, because I had never been consciously aware of the words, until the Ross & Rachel episode. Since then, I try to play it every time I find a jukebox...that and some sort of System of a Down! &=D Anyway, Joshua Tree was, imho, the best album U2 has done to date.*

*This one guys will never understand - Sade's "Sweetest Taboo." We got into this discussion the other day in the OR. The guys wanted to know if Sade was guy or girl, and why did we like this androgynous-sounding music. When I was growing up, Sade was like Mom's friend, Gail Caceres - she was foreign, beautiful, desireable, yet untouchable...this music has the same effect on me as that "Romancing the Stone" duology.*

*Speaking of Huey Lewis and the News (which I wasn't), how about "The Power of Love?" These Michael Douglas / Kathleen Turner flicks always had this strange, alluring power over me. It was so adventurous, so transoceanic - travelling to different countries, traversing through jungles to find your loved ones or rescue the damsal in distress! Hahaha!!! They still make me feel like that!*

*One more - "When the Going Get's Tough, the Tough Get Going!" starring the incredible Billy Ocean, one of the most phenomenal singers I've ever heard. Hahaha, I'm so delirious from my medicine, all I can do is sing and dance to this song! The only thing this reminds me of is HOW MUCH I USED TO WEAR THESE VHS TAPES OUT!!!! It was the adventure of a lifetime!!!!*

Haha, okay, guys - I'm just going to lay on the bed and laugh for about an hour, or until I pass out!


The delirious and hallucinating Kismet in bed - poor, poor thing!

1 comment:

Holly said...

I like reading your thoughts and how fast they change from one thing to the next... I do that a lot at night when I'm trying to fall asleep. Hope you were able to get some rest! Love you.