so much going on...
yet, i can find nothing to say.
things have been so...obscure and peculiar as of late. this year actually hasn't started out badly. but now it's just wavering through this dimension of ________. and i'm trying to hold myself back from overly-analyzing everything, because that's what i do. it's what i DO.
so, on valentine's day eve, i get a phone call. from my ex. aaron. it was a strange call, and i couldn't tell if he was on something, or if he was just SO freaked out from talking to me, that he couldn't hardly function. it was really weird, i have to admit. my heart was in my throat for a few minutes. i mean, who's wouldn't be? i hadn't talked to him in almost 3 years. he claims he was calling to see if my number still worked. but you know, if he just wanted to talk, i wish he would just say it. after knowing how "I" felt after the conversation, i think i can deal. i'm better.
him? ummm....i can't really openly comment on that. those close to me know how it made me feel. he was...trying to be tough; trying to put on this "lookit me, look how much BETTER and TOUGHER and UN-PUSSYLIKE i am without YOU in my life!" he was cursing every other word. he was prompting me to curse. he was drifting from subject to subject all throughout the conversation.
he was pushing SO HARD...to hurt me.
unfortunately, it still does. but it's that kind of hurt that just makes me sad that i've done people wrong. it made me pity him. i'm no longer living with the fallacy that he'll come back, that we're just on hiatus, that he'll see the error of his ways. that hope is gone.
but i can't help but miss who he was. i can't help but miss what we had. it was beautiful, and there was NEVER any denying it. but after my mom died, you could never deny i was in pain.
after that, my life was a blur of regret.
i'm ok now, though. i'm ok. i have a good job. i'm managing well. me and phil are on and off, but it's both of our choices. i'm struggling to reach nirvana, but it's a battle long-fought. i didn't get here overnight. my life is full of daily struggles and discoveries. it's a good life. it has great people. it could be much, much worse.
but it's not.
he kept pushing and pushing.
in a condescending tone, he says, "to be honest, i thought you'd be dead by now."
i said, "that hurts."
he responded, "oh, but i didn't mean anything by it."
he says, "i was worried about calling you. i was worried about what it would do to you."
i'm thinking, "you were hoping it would kill me? why else would you take that chance, if you're so concerned about my sanity?"
heather said, and everyone has agreed, he's just upset that i'm ok. he was hoping to find me dissolving into a puddle of tears and sorrow, just from the sound of his voice. somehow that enables him to lord over me, to feel powerful, that he was able to destroy this human who caused him to reinvent himself.
he said, "i hate myself. i hate that i'm not a superhero. i hate that i'm not invincible, infallible."
he has been changed. i've been changed. we've all changed. no one is ever the same. he's still beautiful to me, even though i don't know who he thinks he is...who he wants to be...in front of me, in front of his "friends". i'll always love him, no matter what he throws at me. i know who he was, all guards down. i don't need him to tell me, because i knew him before anyone. true, i'm partially at fault for who he's become. but after all was said and done, i did what he asked of me - i left him alone.
so, now what?
nothing. i'm here. i'm always here. i have good days, and i have bad days. but i'll always be here. i'll cry sometimes, and i'll laugh, although much more rarely. but i'm ok. and ok is better than i've been in a very long time. i'll never be completely over my mother's death. i'll never be completely over my divorce. i'll never feel that kind of pain again in my life. i'd never wish it on my worst enemy.
what am i going to do now?
i don't know. i don't know if i'll ever find the right one. not that i haven't met some good ones, some great ones, but not THE one. not yet. i don't know, if ever. i don't know if i'll have kids. like my friend paula said, i think i'm just a late bloomer. it's been a hard life for some of us. i've dragged a lot of people along in my wake. but i'm done for now. i'm not suffering. i'm good. i'm fine. i haven't cried in a long time, and for me, that's a reason to celebrate.
i have a lot of good things coming up, and i'm very excited. and you know what? i'm not dead, so there's still more to come.
i know you thought i'd be dead.
i'm not sorry to disappoint you.
i'm free.
2.26.2007
2.09.2007
bloring
i know my blog is boring. just full of words.
i'm hoping to spiff it up a little in the future, but it's a rare moment that i get to sit, uninterrupted, in front of my computer. i like some of the blogs that i've seen, where people actually share things they like, sites they visit, etc, and i hope to do the same. right now, my there's a thin line between attention and a nap. i'm doing a little better, healthwise, now, but i'll update on that later.
right now, i just feel like typing. stuff. whatever stuff.
OH! i AM going to have acupuncture done today, so i'm a tad nervous about that. i've had so many injections in my neck, this really shouldn't be a big deal. and i know the doc who's doing it, so i'm pretty sure he won't try to kill me. well...i mean, i hope he won't.
who knows? i might have cut him off in the parking lot, and that's why he's agreed to see me. well, we'll see. the only thing i feel capable of doing now is quoting shrek:
TGIF, eh, buddy?
**SIGH**
i'm hoping to spiff it up a little in the future, but it's a rare moment that i get to sit, uninterrupted, in front of my computer. i like some of the blogs that i've seen, where people actually share things they like, sites they visit, etc, and i hope to do the same. right now, my there's a thin line between attention and a nap. i'm doing a little better, healthwise, now, but i'll update on that later.
right now, i just feel like typing. stuff. whatever stuff.
OH! i AM going to have acupuncture done today, so i'm a tad nervous about that. i've had so many injections in my neck, this really shouldn't be a big deal. and i know the doc who's doing it, so i'm pretty sure he won't try to kill me. well...i mean, i hope he won't.
who knows? i might have cut him off in the parking lot, and that's why he's agreed to see me. well, we'll see. the only thing i feel capable of doing now is quoting shrek:
TGIF, eh, buddy?
**SIGH**
a feeling
the silence in the car was deafening. the negative pressure in my head sucked up the quiet, only because it had nowhere else to go. my head was filled with silence. it felt like if i screamed, nothing would happen. no sound. no echo. no response. it would be just a desperate motion for naught. i could even open the door and fall out of the car, onto the passing road, and still feel nothing. the tears poured down my cheeks, gushing out by their own free will, gathering on my chin, under my nose, but still i did nothing. i said nothing.
2.01.2007
to delve, briefly...
i'm at work right now, and thankfully, we're having a "dead day." dead days to me mean no c-arm cases downstairs in surgery. i think i rested kinda ok last night, so i'm feeling a bit better than yesterday. either way, i'm glad to have the break. this means i'll be planted in front of the computer for the majority of the day.
enough of that, though - i don't want to talk about work right now. it's getting on my nerves. i'll be 3 in march, and my job is finally getting on my nerves. ok, NOT the job. just the people.
anyway. what's on my mind? aging. and love. both have clashed together in my brain, leaving behind a trail of complete and utter paranoia. with the way i feel, there's NO way in hell i'm ever going to "find someone". which in turn leaves me with never bearing children and having a loving family, something i've always wanted. i think i'd be an ok mommy.
i realize that i'm never going to be "myself" again, and that really sucks. i have a "me" in my brain that i've been constantly striving to reach, since my mom died. it was the good me. it was the active me. it was the fun and funny me. it was the me who didn't want to hide in a dark room all day and never move again. what is that? is it depression? it can't be - i'm already working on that, and i'm fine. i mean, i don't cry all the time anymore, like i used to, after the divorce.
but i still feel a void. i feel personally meaningless. i don't feel like i'm accomplishing anything, and frankly, that's really annoying to me. as lazy as i am, i have a certain amount of inborn proactivity inside me. i think that's one reason i started getting so addicted to change. i'd change jobs, i'd change apartments, i change moods all the time. it has to be some sort of life-altering upheaval in order for me to be content. it's part of what destroyed me and what has remade me. i hate who i am, though, so how do you change?
well, first off, i've gotten really involved in my own health. my physical self isn't well. the pain within my body is something that no one else can see nor detect. so, i'm subjecting myself to new doctors, TONS of labwork, tests, xrays, mri's, drug studies, to see if i can find that one thing that can halt this...this whatever it is. i have a pretty good idea of what i think it is, but i'm not even saying anything until a real, certified DOCTOR tells me so first. my body is in constant grueling pain. i wish i was exaggerating, but i'm not. in fact, i've gotten to the point where i understate how i feel. but that's not important. what is important is that i can get back to zero; i have to start to feel kinda neutral/normal again. once i'm out of the woods on that, then i can focus more on the inner me. right now, my pain interferes with my sleep, which screws with my work, which does NOTHING for my self-esteem, and of course, i'm not dating.
phil and i are seeing each other again, but we've decided to leave it open and unlabelled for now. i don't really feel like talking about that, either. it's kind of...weird. but i'm still open to dating/hanging out, and i'm always keeping my options open. but how can i when my self-esteem is at rock bottom? i mean, who wants to date a chick who's in chronic pain? yeah, me neither.
BLAH. i hate talking about boring, yucky, boring things.
i've been less introspective and haven't been writing as much, so i think that's not so good. i tend to feel better when i ________ . yeah, you could put just about anything in that blank, and it would work. "eat lots of doughnuts." "run maniacally through the hospital with an open sharps container full of dirty needles." but not things like, "club baby seals," or "fish."
i keep telling myself i'm going to go to that ridiculous gym at my complex, but the only person i'm lying to is myself. *sigh* maybe i'll go today. there, now i've lied to everyone who reads this. plus, i spend $15/month for the uab gym, and i've been as many times as i can count on two fingers. shit. i should just go, right? but, who the HELL wants to go work out, after you've been at work all day? i've tried to fool myself into not using the term "WORK out," but instead replacing it with the positive term "exercising!" and guess what? i've still only been two times. because that's exactly what i want to do - my body's already IN pain, so i want to work it out enough to the point that when i wake up the next day, i find i can no longer move. i'm in complete stasis, lactic acid coursing through my muscles. yeah. great. then, i'll have to do the whole brian regan "calling an ambulance for myself" routine.
alright, there's like a ton of stuff i want to post about, but my R wrist is back in it's little splint-thingie. it's hurting again today (naw, really???), and i tried to make it better by working through it yesterday = not a good idea.
so, hopefully more later. or not. hell, with the way things are going, i could be abducted by a vicious pack of beavers, only to later become their queen, and live my life out on the river, constructing damns (Freudian slip) against the will of humans. someone will probably shoot and stuff me, and i'll end up perched in a steak house somewhere around the states, with a permanent snarl on my face, leering over an infant's head, causing her to cry. kinda like that giant bear from hal's hungry bear. i always felt sorry for him. as if his life wasn't hard enough, his afterlife REALLY sucked.
"yeah, i was a bear for a while, foraging in the wild, forced to pit myself against mother nature, fighting other packs of wild animals in order to acquire food and survive. after that, i went on to live at a shoney's, wearing various party hats according to the holidays and promoting such items as the 'double decker hamburger' and the 'sunday afternoon blue plate special.'"
cripes, i have opposable thumbs, and i'm STILL bitching about finding the "right guy."
i'm retarded.
Currently Reading:
Mount Misery
By Samuel Shem, MD
Release date: 01 July, 2003
and
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass
By Lewis Carroll
Release date: 12 December, 2000
enough of that, though - i don't want to talk about work right now. it's getting on my nerves. i'll be 3 in march, and my job is finally getting on my nerves. ok, NOT the job. just the people.
anyway. what's on my mind? aging. and love. both have clashed together in my brain, leaving behind a trail of complete and utter paranoia. with the way i feel, there's NO way in hell i'm ever going to "find someone". which in turn leaves me with never bearing children and having a loving family, something i've always wanted. i think i'd be an ok mommy.
i realize that i'm never going to be "myself" again, and that really sucks. i have a "me" in my brain that i've been constantly striving to reach, since my mom died. it was the good me. it was the active me. it was the fun and funny me. it was the me who didn't want to hide in a dark room all day and never move again. what is that? is it depression? it can't be - i'm already working on that, and i'm fine. i mean, i don't cry all the time anymore, like i used to, after the divorce.
but i still feel a void. i feel personally meaningless. i don't feel like i'm accomplishing anything, and frankly, that's really annoying to me. as lazy as i am, i have a certain amount of inborn proactivity inside me. i think that's one reason i started getting so addicted to change. i'd change jobs, i'd change apartments, i change moods all the time. it has to be some sort of life-altering upheaval in order for me to be content. it's part of what destroyed me and what has remade me. i hate who i am, though, so how do you change?
well, first off, i've gotten really involved in my own health. my physical self isn't well. the pain within my body is something that no one else can see nor detect. so, i'm subjecting myself to new doctors, TONS of labwork, tests, xrays, mri's, drug studies, to see if i can find that one thing that can halt this...this whatever it is. i have a pretty good idea of what i think it is, but i'm not even saying anything until a real, certified DOCTOR tells me so first. my body is in constant grueling pain. i wish i was exaggerating, but i'm not. in fact, i've gotten to the point where i understate how i feel. but that's not important. what is important is that i can get back to zero; i have to start to feel kinda neutral/normal again. once i'm out of the woods on that, then i can focus more on the inner me. right now, my pain interferes with my sleep, which screws with my work, which does NOTHING for my self-esteem, and of course, i'm not dating.
phil and i are seeing each other again, but we've decided to leave it open and unlabelled for now. i don't really feel like talking about that, either. it's kind of...weird. but i'm still open to dating/hanging out, and i'm always keeping my options open. but how can i when my self-esteem is at rock bottom? i mean, who wants to date a chick who's in chronic pain? yeah, me neither.
BLAH. i hate talking about boring, yucky, boring things.
i've been less introspective and haven't been writing as much, so i think that's not so good. i tend to feel better when i ________ . yeah, you could put just about anything in that blank, and it would work. "eat lots of doughnuts." "run maniacally through the hospital with an open sharps container full of dirty needles." but not things like, "club baby seals," or "fish."
i keep telling myself i'm going to go to that ridiculous gym at my complex, but the only person i'm lying to is myself. *sigh* maybe i'll go today. there, now i've lied to everyone who reads this. plus, i spend $15/month for the uab gym, and i've been as many times as i can count on two fingers. shit. i should just go, right? but, who the HELL wants to go work out, after you've been at work all day? i've tried to fool myself into not using the term "WORK out," but instead replacing it with the positive term "exercising!" and guess what? i've still only been two times. because that's exactly what i want to do - my body's already IN pain, so i want to work it out enough to the point that when i wake up the next day, i find i can no longer move. i'm in complete stasis, lactic acid coursing through my muscles. yeah. great. then, i'll have to do the whole brian regan "calling an ambulance for myself" routine.
alright, there's like a ton of stuff i want to post about, but my R wrist is back in it's little splint-thingie. it's hurting again today (naw, really???), and i tried to make it better by working through it yesterday = not a good idea.
so, hopefully more later. or not. hell, with the way things are going, i could be abducted by a vicious pack of beavers, only to later become their queen, and live my life out on the river, constructing damns (Freudian slip) against the will of humans. someone will probably shoot and stuff me, and i'll end up perched in a steak house somewhere around the states, with a permanent snarl on my face, leering over an infant's head, causing her to cry. kinda like that giant bear from hal's hungry bear. i always felt sorry for him. as if his life wasn't hard enough, his afterlife REALLY sucked.
"yeah, i was a bear for a while, foraging in the wild, forced to pit myself against mother nature, fighting other packs of wild animals in order to acquire food and survive. after that, i went on to live at a shoney's, wearing various party hats according to the holidays and promoting such items as the 'double decker hamburger' and the 'sunday afternoon blue plate special.'"
cripes, i have opposable thumbs, and i'm STILL bitching about finding the "right guy."
i'm retarded.
Currently Reading:
Mount Misery
By Samuel Shem, MD
Release date: 01 July, 2003
and
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass
By Lewis Carroll
Release date: 12 December, 2000
1.31.2007
growing old sucks
i'm up from a nap, just to lay down again. i haven't been on, nor have i been communicating, because i really haven't been well. i DON'T know what's wrong, but it's all through my body, and it's been going on for months.
so, sometimes the pain makes me throw up, and that and my rapidly plunging self-esteem tends to make me a little unsociable. if it's extraneous (talking on the phone) or my life doesn't depend on it (bathing), it's not going to get done.
i have lots of doc's appts and tests coming up, so i'm actually thankful. i have a friend who's a surgeon, and he's really been trying to help me out through this rough time. he's given me samples of different meds to see if they work, but so far, we're coming up dry.
i'm really, really sorry to everyone out there who might, in SOME way, be relying on me. i swear to GOD that this isn't in my head. it's all over my body. and it hurts and i don't like it at all. my entire life has come to a standstill, aside from working, which nearly kills me every single day, but i have no other alternative.
just to let you know, i'm still alive. just not in a functional shape right now.
1.29.2007
radiation = psychosis
hi.
i haven't posted in a while.
i'm sorry.
*things haven't been so good, health-wise, with me, but i think i'm finally getting a handle on things (more on that later). other than that, everything else is fine.
*my family is good - i miss them like crazy, though. i haven't been out there in what seems like ages.
*my finances are finally ironing themselves out, thank God, although i'm still chronically poor.
*work is ok, except that i finally have concluded, on this very day, that every person in this building is a crazy, whacked-out f*'r, who doesn't know the difference between a bad day and complete, all-out psychosis which requires treatment and/or tranquilizers - and for once, i'm not referring to myself.
i know now that everyone else here is a nutjob to the infinite degree, and the only reason I'M on meds is because everyone else needs to change their f*'d up attitudes but won't...ever. so, i'm being forced to take meds in order to compensate for THEIR lack of sanity, in order to keep from losing mine. i'm not talking about my same problem child, sheryl, although she is back to her regular shit. i mean the WHOLE lot of them, especially up here in my department.
these people are complete whackadoos - do not pass go, do not collect $200 - they're just flat-out f*'d up.
and you have NO idea how much better i feel now that i can say that. i now owe myself about $1000 for one hell of a session and a vacation because i deserve it.
you know what it is? it's because i have this horrible phobia of radiation, so i'm ALWAYS geared up in my lead, virtually from head to toe. no other person really gives a crap, so they walk all through the room with no protection. it's the radiation. i'm radiating these people into insanity.
this job is so f*'g cool. &=)
we'll talk more later.........i got stuff to do.
i haven't posted in a while.
i'm sorry.
*things haven't been so good, health-wise, with me, but i think i'm finally getting a handle on things (more on that later). other than that, everything else is fine.
*my family is good - i miss them like crazy, though. i haven't been out there in what seems like ages.
*my finances are finally ironing themselves out, thank God, although i'm still chronically poor.
*work is ok, except that i finally have concluded, on this very day, that every person in this building is a crazy, whacked-out f*'r, who doesn't know the difference between a bad day and complete, all-out psychosis which requires treatment and/or tranquilizers - and for once, i'm not referring to myself.
i know now that everyone else here is a nutjob to the infinite degree, and the only reason I'M on meds is because everyone else needs to change their f*'d up attitudes but won't...ever. so, i'm being forced to take meds in order to compensate for THEIR lack of sanity, in order to keep from losing mine. i'm not talking about my same problem child, sheryl, although she is back to her regular shit. i mean the WHOLE lot of them, especially up here in my department.
these people are complete whackadoos - do not pass go, do not collect $200 - they're just flat-out f*'d up.
and you have NO idea how much better i feel now that i can say that. i now owe myself about $1000 for one hell of a session and a vacation because i deserve it.
you know what it is? it's because i have this horrible phobia of radiation, so i'm ALWAYS geared up in my lead, virtually from head to toe. no other person really gives a crap, so they walk all through the room with no protection. it's the radiation. i'm radiating these people into insanity.
this job is so f*'g cool. &=)
we'll talk more later.........i got stuff to do.
1.04.2007
i don't feel so well *urp*
mleck.
let me tell you why i feel super-gross today.
i took my meds last night - perfectly fine, but the pharmacist wasn't lying, when he said that hydrocodone syrup dries you out. i lost all salivatory abilities from my mouth down to my stomach, and i was afraid i was going to start coughing up dried crap. so, i was miserable all night, not from gagging up giant, thick, green and somewhat already solidified lugies, as went the past two weeks, but from the lack of moisture in the air...and my body. so, i tossed and turned and had rancid dreams about stupid stuff, so i slept a total of about 3 hours last night. as always, once i finally got comfortable and settled in, it was time to wake up. of course.
so, i woke up, ran around getting ready (i had overslept about 10 min), and as i grabbed my bag and keys off the counter and went for the door, my stomach plummeted. i felt the most nauseating sensation in about 3 seconds flat that i've ever felt...ever. this was totally different than the amoebic dysentery - with that, i felt pain. with this, i felt so sick that i thought vomit was going to shoot out of my ears. i started getting chills and sweating, my ears were ringing, and my mouth started watering. once that happened, i knew i was about to lose it. so i ran in the bathroom, stripped off my jacket and hung over the potty - like this: &=O.
......nothing.......
so, i let about 5 mins go by, the wave passes, i get up, redress and head for the door.
*BAM* it hits again.
this time, i'm on the floor, on my hands and knees, praying that this one would just pass. it didn't pass as quickly, so i sat there, while the girls circled me like vultures closing in on the carcass. i kept shooing them away - "no, mom's not dead yet. leemmelone." finally, i was able to gain enough sense again to make it to the car. i was fine the whole way to work, until i got out of the car.
*BLAM-O* it was bad this time. i pitched over onto the ground and started hocking up as much stuff as i could, to try to psych my brain out of thinking i felt sick. thank god i was running late today, or i would have made quite a scene.
...or did i?
i started walking to the stairwell, when my stomach just said, "to hell with this." i actually FELT my food move back UP through my small intestines, back into my stomach, and up through my chest. i fell over right at the stairwell and emptied my not-so-nearly digested green olive pizza, from last night, on to the ground, in the parking deck, right next to the stairwell.
i made it inside, tears streaming down my face, and managed to choke down some generic sprite shit, that i've been able to keep down for the rest of the day. heather said she thinks it's the levaquin the doc put me on for my bronchitis. i don't think i've ever taken it, and it's really, really strong. omg, i need my momma right now. *blech*
and no, i'm NOT pregnant, but thanks for thinking i'm still desireable.
once it left my mouth, though, i could no longer be held responsible. just watch where you're stepping, ok?
let me tell you why i feel super-gross today.
i took my meds last night - perfectly fine, but the pharmacist wasn't lying, when he said that hydrocodone syrup dries you out. i lost all salivatory abilities from my mouth down to my stomach, and i was afraid i was going to start coughing up dried crap. so, i was miserable all night, not from gagging up giant, thick, green and somewhat already solidified lugies, as went the past two weeks, but from the lack of moisture in the air...and my body. so, i tossed and turned and had rancid dreams about stupid stuff, so i slept a total of about 3 hours last night. as always, once i finally got comfortable and settled in, it was time to wake up. of course.
so, i woke up, ran around getting ready (i had overslept about 10 min), and as i grabbed my bag and keys off the counter and went for the door, my stomach plummeted. i felt the most nauseating sensation in about 3 seconds flat that i've ever felt...ever. this was totally different than the amoebic dysentery - with that, i felt pain. with this, i felt so sick that i thought vomit was going to shoot out of my ears. i started getting chills and sweating, my ears were ringing, and my mouth started watering. once that happened, i knew i was about to lose it. so i ran in the bathroom, stripped off my jacket and hung over the potty - like this: &=O.
......nothing.......
so, i let about 5 mins go by, the wave passes, i get up, redress and head for the door.
*BAM* it hits again.
this time, i'm on the floor, on my hands and knees, praying that this one would just pass. it didn't pass as quickly, so i sat there, while the girls circled me like vultures closing in on the carcass. i kept shooing them away - "no, mom's not dead yet. leemmelone." finally, i was able to gain enough sense again to make it to the car. i was fine the whole way to work, until i got out of the car.
*BLAM-O* it was bad this time. i pitched over onto the ground and started hocking up as much stuff as i could, to try to psych my brain out of thinking i felt sick. thank god i was running late today, or i would have made quite a scene.
...or did i?
i started walking to the stairwell, when my stomach just said, "to hell with this." i actually FELT my food move back UP through my small intestines, back into my stomach, and up through my chest. i fell over right at the stairwell and emptied my not-so-nearly digested green olive pizza, from last night, on to the ground, in the parking deck, right next to the stairwell.
i made it inside, tears streaming down my face, and managed to choke down some generic sprite shit, that i've been able to keep down for the rest of the day. heather said she thinks it's the levaquin the doc put me on for my bronchitis. i don't think i've ever taken it, and it's really, really strong. omg, i need my momma right now. *blech*
and no, i'm NOT pregnant, but thanks for thinking i'm still desireable.
once it left my mouth, though, i could no longer be held responsible. just watch where you're stepping, ok?
what has two thumbs & likes germs?
current mood: drugged
THIS chickie! that's who!
w00t!
that called for some of that inter-web jargon!
i can do some sick! let me just tell you, about 3 weeks ago, i had the flu, which was fortunately somewhat deterred by my flu shot and my doctor's prompt and hasty diagnosis and prescription of tamiflu.
but now, i have graduated (or been demoted, depending on your pov) to severe acute bronchitis!
i told him i've been sick (post-flu) since dec 27 and that i TRIED to keep from coming in, but i pretty much just took off work and suffered for as long as i possibly could.
his response:
"stop doing that."
yeah, well, you know, you're like, a DOCTOR and stuff, and i figure you want to see real patients. SICK patients.
apparently, he's just as happy seeing me - a constantly afflicted hypochondriac. but, if you're actually SICK, does that still make you a hypochondriac? something to ponder while you're sitting on the potty today.
AARRRRRRGGGGG!!!!
anyway, news item #2....the circus is in town.
*big grey cloud settles over the city*
as much as i'd like to stay on and harp about THAT shit, i just want to remind you all that i'm still a benign, YET SOMEWHAT ACTIVE member of peta. *cue psycho shower music*
so, if you go to the circus, i'll see you there. i'll be the one standing outside with all the "propaganda" as to why you SHOULDN'T be doing what you're doing, in hopes that maybe YOU'LL lay awake that night and stress about something you really have no control over, instead of me, for once. i've already had those dreams that i had again last year, about people throwing meat on me in drive-bys (no, NOT drive-thrus). you know, it's never hard to keep doing what i do for the animals, and it's NEVER hard for me to keep caring. but i'll be damned if it's hard as hell to stay my hand from popping a complete stranger in the windpipe with my fist.
"his windpipe hit me first. i swear."
ok, i have to lay down. my hydrocodone is taking effect, and i'm about to have to take a nap in the hallway. plus, jezzy just got out, so i must corral her before she gets her third wind.
more laters.
1.02.2007
who i'm starting out as in 2007
i feel like there's something plaguing me. i can't tell whether it's good or bad, but you know, sometimes this is the only way i can get things out. i feel like there's something on my mind, something i should say, but i can't really pinpoint it.
god, you know apoplectic i can be, but it's just who i am, and i'm not going to change. i'm never going to change. not for anyone, for any reason. i just want to find someone who's concerned about me. in that, i will always return the thought.
but, i know i'm not getting any younger, and i still don't know where my life is going. all i know is that i want to find someone who loves me for exactly who i am, quirkiness, spastic behavior and all. i want to find someone who inspires me and for whom i can do the same. i want someone who is able to develop goals, be them large or small, both aside from me and with me, and is able to reach those goals. i want someone who isn't happy with mediocrity and always wants to strive for better.
i'm just spouting off the things that come to mind, when someone asks, "what do you want?"
when aaron and i were together, i used to think our relationship was harmful, because we were so dependent upon each other. we loved each other so deeply, that being apart would physically hurt. i tried to make it out like it was some kind of hindrance for me and my development (in other words, i couldn't whore myself around like i wanted to, when i finally started "freeing" myself *rolls eyes*). now, i know that's the only way i want to be in love. i want my entire life to revolve around that person, and i want him to want the same. we don't have to BE the same person, but i'd like to want the same things out of life.
thoughts unfinished........
god, you know apoplectic i can be, but it's just who i am, and i'm not going to change. i'm never going to change. not for anyone, for any reason. i just want to find someone who's concerned about me. in that, i will always return the thought.
but, i know i'm not getting any younger, and i still don't know where my life is going. all i know is that i want to find someone who loves me for exactly who i am, quirkiness, spastic behavior and all. i want to find someone who inspires me and for whom i can do the same. i want someone who is able to develop goals, be them large or small, both aside from me and with me, and is able to reach those goals. i want someone who isn't happy with mediocrity and always wants to strive for better.
i'm just spouting off the things that come to mind, when someone asks, "what do you want?"
when aaron and i were together, i used to think our relationship was harmful, because we were so dependent upon each other. we loved each other so deeply, that being apart would physically hurt. i tried to make it out like it was some kind of hindrance for me and my development (in other words, i couldn't whore myself around like i wanted to, when i finally started "freeing" myself *rolls eyes*). now, i know that's the only way i want to be in love. i want my entire life to revolve around that person, and i want him to want the same. we don't have to BE the same person, but i'd like to want the same things out of life.
thoughts unfinished........
12.30.2006
countdown to...
mood: coughing
i've been up for 3 solid hours, gagging my brains out. i don't know what the hell i have, but i'm sick. still. it's screwed up my entire work week, but thankfully, i had a pretty good paycheck come yesterday, so thank the beans for that.
it is currently 5:24a, and i broke down and went to bruno's to buy some NAME-BRAND cough syrup (robitussin, you sold me - but ne'er again!), so that should be doing the job...any minute now...i'm totally sick as a frog and delirious from lack of sleep thereof. jammy's sitting in my lap, staring at me, causing me to wonder, is this how i'll be ringing in the new year?
but, no. i think i'm going to hang out at heather's for the new year. not that it's anything - just another day, and i'll be going to work the very next day. oh well. not much to look forward to. or is there?
hmmm......
2006 - not so bad.
2005 - blew.
2004 - even worse.
ahhh, we won't go backwards, because there's not much good there. but there is good coming. my finances predict such. and so does jammy pie. she says everything will be just fine. i think booboo is in the bed. she also thinks everything will be fine. i have everyone out of my house, cept'n me and my girls, and although i'm still unsure of what to do when my lease is up in july, i have a kind of warm inside feeling that everything will be ok. it's prolly God. or the cough syrup. or a lil of both.
so, what else is going on? not much. just throwing myself into work, but justifiably so. still hoping for the hottie doctor? sure. who isn't? how about friends? they're still there. i'm not rushing anything.
one of my very good friends laura got engaged not too long ago, and while i'm a little irked that i'm still standing here, with my two cats, fair on the way to becoming "crazy cat lady," i revel in her happiness and celebrate her joy. it's LONG overdue.
congratulations, love - you only deserve the best!
hokay. i'm going to dig out some old spongebob and lay down with the girls. surely, the coughing must be about exhausted. if not, my head WILL explode from the pressure...or the neighbors will be in here with lit torches and pitchforks to dispel the maker of the noise.
*HACK* *wheeeeze*
maybe, i should double dose. *snerk*
Currently reading : The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy By Douglas Adams Release date: By 30 April, 2002
12.26.2006
the one about the phlegm
sorry, guys. i've been really sick during the holiday, so i haven't posted anywhere, nor have i been on the computer. i was able to spend christmas eve with mark, amy & the kids, but even then, amy had the flu, and me and mark were just sick as shit. aside from being able to hang out with my family, my holiday has been shit. i'll never work another fucking holiday as long as i fucking live. this shit is retarded, and they don't even appreciate the fact that you do it.
so, kids, the moral of the story is:
BEING AN ADULT BLOWS.
i'm going back to bed, because i'm about to cough myself to death, and i'm sick of wiping my nose on my shirt and my tissues are in the other room, on the bed, where i'm going to spend the rest of the year.
blah.
so, kids, the moral of the story is:
BEING AN ADULT BLOWS.
i'm going back to bed, because i'm about to cough myself to death, and i'm sick of wiping my nose on my shirt and my tissues are in the other room, on the bed, where i'm going to spend the rest of the year.
blah.
12.22.2006
seal hunt
there are only 3 months left until the canadian seal hunt begins. please take a second to sign this petition., and if you have time, read some of the info on the site. to be perfectly honest, i don't know if these petitions ever do any good, but just in case there's a chance...
http://www.hsus.org/protect_seals.html
if you don't believe it's horrible and completely inhumane, please feel free to watch the accompanying video on the site. if you're not totally disgusted, then you probably aren't friends with me, and the mental institute doesn't know you've escaped.
http://www.hsus.org/protect_seals.html
if you don't believe it's horrible and completely inhumane, please feel free to watch the accompanying video on the site. if you're not totally disgusted, then you probably aren't friends with me, and the mental institute doesn't know you've escaped.
12.21.2006
on being a vegetarian
i just read another blog about this guy's experience with being vegetarian, and while i appreciate and respect his candor, i can't say i completely agree with everything he was saying, which of course, is my right. either way, you can read for yourself, if you like:
http://www.adrian.josephlavoie.com/2006/05/12/the-fallacy-of-cruelty-free
um, i'd like to point out that i became a vegetarian in september of 1993, and in no way do i believe this deems me superior to others. nor have i ever made an animal sound while someone ate their food - unless they've asked for it...literally.
"hey, can you moo like a cow while i eat this?"
"um........ok. um, mooooo. mooooooo. you know this is very awkward for me."
"i know, but it just makes it feel so REAL."
anyway, true to fact, i've had setbacks. for a while there, i was a vegetarian, but i "only ate chicken."
i'm sorry, but even admitting that now makes me feel terribly retarded. i mean, even now, i hear people say it, and i'm like, "wait...what? since when did chickens become non-living creatures? omg, wait...are you eating.....ZOMBIE CHICKENS??!?"
not that i condone this, um, "chicken-beheading activity," but there's a fascinating story on mike, the headless chicken, who lived for 18 months without a head. i just think this is totally awesome, the REAL-TO-LIFE ZOMBIE CHICKEN!!!! and NO, i don't think people should go around, chopping the heads of chickens to see how long they live. i just think it's an awesome chicken:
http://www.miketheheadlesschicken.org/story.html
ok, back to me. yes, i've had bites of meats, chickens and fishes, here and there (not in a while), but overall, the thought of eating a living creature (or for you sarcastics out there, a once-living creature) makes me nauseated. the iron-y smell of the blood cooked out of a steak makes me sick. the floors of every kfc on earth are appalling. and fish is just the worst shit i've ever put in my mouth.
i remember the days when me and mom would go shopping, and on the way home, we'd stop off at the steak-and-ale in irondale and get a big-ass, juicy steak. i still remember when she'd fix pork chops, or we'd have a make-your-own-taco night. hell, growing up, my lunch every single day was the same: pickle, cheese & ham. my favorite sandwich to take to school in my lunch was turkey and mustard. and every thanksgiving, i got the giant turkey leg, and i'd gnaw at it like a homeless man, ALONG with eating the cartilage (my personal favorite part of the chicken).
but, i don't eat any of that anymore. i haven't had meat in somewhat of forever. and in reading fast food nation by eric schlosser, it confirmed and magnified my worst nightmares. of course, i say this, and someone ALWAYS says, "do you always believe everything you read?"
well, no. that would mean that EVERYTHING, tentatively, is a lie. so, how can we ever believe anything ever again?
i also believe in the greenhouse effect. i believe in my right NOT to vote (i don't believe in choosing the "lesser of two evils" in this situation). i'm still torn on cloning, early-term abortion, and genetically altering your baby.
anyway, in fast food nation, schlosser describes, in great detail, the workings, from beginning to end, of a slaughterhouse. he interviews people who still live the ranch/farm life. he delves inside the plant where "tastes" are made (scary, btw). he elaborates on what some of the terms on food labels mean - "natural flavor"? not so natural. he touches on organic farming and several other issues - some i know, some i never even thought about. it's actually a very informative, well-researched book.
so, YES, i do believe in the things he's written in this book.
i'm a vegetarian, because i don't believe that as far as we've come in society, there should be any reason for us to eat animals any longer. no, there's no way in the world to keep ALL animals from hurting, but i'm doing my part, by not eating them, not wearing leather, etc. i'm still practicing on some things such as not buying products tested on animals, avoiding things such as honey, wool & down.
i had originally started writing something on being ovo-lacto, but it's in my blog archive somewhere. i'll have to dust it off and work on it more.
until then, i'm still the fattest vegetarian i know. thankfully, this person (the blog i mentioned above) had apparently experienced some of the same problems i'm fighting. this remark - "I ate vast quantities of carbohydrates, and sugars, which caused me to gain a lot of weight and made me unhealthier than if I were to continue eating meat" - is exactly what i'm going through right now. i can put away severeal helpings of cake and a pint of ice cream without flinching. i've currently come to grips with the fact that i'm addicted to sugar. i mean, ADDICTED. i'll wake up in the dead of the night and have to make an ice cream run to bruno's. i don't know what i'm lacking or what obsession sugar is standing in place of, but it's become....well, disgusting. and yes, i believe if i had the necessary determination and dedication, i would have become an anorexic a long time ago.
i know your body changes with age, and i'm almost 30, so i'm wavering in the danger zone of weight and body habitus changes.
*sigh* sucks getting old.
so, i'm hoping to get some things in order (my knee pain), so i can start becoming a little more active. i know i've said it before, but the only reason i have a gym membership is because it helps me sleep soundly at night. i'm also hoping to join weight watcher's, since i've just recently discovered that they have a program, specifically for vegetarians, so i'm really excited about that!
sometimes i think if i was a coke fiend, i'd be happier.
as for now, i'll have to settle for cake fiend.
http://www.adrian.josephlavoie.com/2006/05/12/the-fallacy-of-cruelty-free
um, i'd like to point out that i became a vegetarian in september of 1993, and in no way do i believe this deems me superior to others. nor have i ever made an animal sound while someone ate their food - unless they've asked for it...literally.
"hey, can you moo like a cow while i eat this?"
"um........ok. um, mooooo. mooooooo. you know this is very awkward for me."
"i know, but it just makes it feel so REAL."
anyway, true to fact, i've had setbacks. for a while there, i was a vegetarian, but i "only ate chicken."
i'm sorry, but even admitting that now makes me feel terribly retarded. i mean, even now, i hear people say it, and i'm like, "wait...what? since when did chickens become non-living creatures? omg, wait...are you eating.....ZOMBIE CHICKENS??!?"
not that i condone this, um, "chicken-beheading activity," but there's a fascinating story on mike, the headless chicken, who lived for 18 months without a head. i just think this is totally awesome, the REAL-TO-LIFE ZOMBIE CHICKEN!!!! and NO, i don't think people should go around, chopping the heads of chickens to see how long they live. i just think it's an awesome chicken:
http://www.miketheheadlesschicken.org/story.html
ok, back to me. yes, i've had bites of meats, chickens and fishes, here and there (not in a while), but overall, the thought of eating a living creature (or for you sarcastics out there, a once-living creature) makes me nauseated. the iron-y smell of the blood cooked out of a steak makes me sick. the floors of every kfc on earth are appalling. and fish is just the worst shit i've ever put in my mouth.
i remember the days when me and mom would go shopping, and on the way home, we'd stop off at the steak-and-ale in irondale and get a big-ass, juicy steak. i still remember when she'd fix pork chops, or we'd have a make-your-own-taco night. hell, growing up, my lunch every single day was the same: pickle, cheese & ham. my favorite sandwich to take to school in my lunch was turkey and mustard. and every thanksgiving, i got the giant turkey leg, and i'd gnaw at it like a homeless man, ALONG with eating the cartilage (my personal favorite part of the chicken).
but, i don't eat any of that anymore. i haven't had meat in somewhat of forever. and in reading fast food nation by eric schlosser, it confirmed and magnified my worst nightmares. of course, i say this, and someone ALWAYS says, "do you always believe everything you read?"
well, no. that would mean that EVERYTHING, tentatively, is a lie. so, how can we ever believe anything ever again?
i also believe in the greenhouse effect. i believe in my right NOT to vote (i don't believe in choosing the "lesser of two evils" in this situation). i'm still torn on cloning, early-term abortion, and genetically altering your baby.
anyway, in fast food nation, schlosser describes, in great detail, the workings, from beginning to end, of a slaughterhouse. he interviews people who still live the ranch/farm life. he delves inside the plant where "tastes" are made (scary, btw). he elaborates on what some of the terms on food labels mean - "natural flavor"? not so natural. he touches on organic farming and several other issues - some i know, some i never even thought about. it's actually a very informative, well-researched book.
so, YES, i do believe in the things he's written in this book.
i'm a vegetarian, because i don't believe that as far as we've come in society, there should be any reason for us to eat animals any longer. no, there's no way in the world to keep ALL animals from hurting, but i'm doing my part, by not eating them, not wearing leather, etc. i'm still practicing on some things such as not buying products tested on animals, avoiding things such as honey, wool & down.
i had originally started writing something on being ovo-lacto, but it's in my blog archive somewhere. i'll have to dust it off and work on it more.
until then, i'm still the fattest vegetarian i know. thankfully, this person (the blog i mentioned above) had apparently experienced some of the same problems i'm fighting. this remark - "I ate vast quantities of carbohydrates, and sugars, which caused me to gain a lot of weight and made me unhealthier than if I were to continue eating meat" - is exactly what i'm going through right now. i can put away severeal helpings of cake and a pint of ice cream without flinching. i've currently come to grips with the fact that i'm addicted to sugar. i mean, ADDICTED. i'll wake up in the dead of the night and have to make an ice cream run to bruno's. i don't know what i'm lacking or what obsession sugar is standing in place of, but it's become....well, disgusting. and yes, i believe if i had the necessary determination and dedication, i would have become an anorexic a long time ago.
i know your body changes with age, and i'm almost 30, so i'm wavering in the danger zone of weight and body habitus changes.
*sigh* sucks getting old.
so, i'm hoping to get some things in order (my knee pain), so i can start becoming a little more active. i know i've said it before, but the only reason i have a gym membership is because it helps me sleep soundly at night. i'm also hoping to join weight watcher's, since i've just recently discovered that they have a program, specifically for vegetarians, so i'm really excited about that!
sometimes i think if i was a coke fiend, i'd be happier.
as for now, i'll have to settle for cake fiend.
12.15.2006
those aren't doritos...
heather just sent this to me:
Vegetarians are more intelligent, says study. Frequently dismissed as cranks, their fussy eating habits tend to make them unpopular with dinner party hosts and guests alike. But now it seems they may have the last laugh, with research showing vegetarians are more intelligent than their meat-eating friends.
Full Story: http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article-23378331-details/Vegetarians+are+more+intelligent%2C+says+study/article.do
MESSAGE: See? You knew you were smarter than the rest. I would have known that too, except me ate meet. ;-)
see? this is why me & hj are bff.
i new thoz pante chips wern't that bad 4 eatng.
12.12.2006
pictures
.JPG)
booboo staking her claim on the elusive sleeping shelby
.JPG)
a retarded pic of me
me & my sweet buddy at "gobs of fun"
me & heather at the hp3 movie premiere
waiting for the movie to start!
booboo & her catch
laying on the bed, watching family guy
me, being retarded, taking pics of myself
thanks, gobbliscious!
booboo & jammy smelling thanksgiving dinner!
booboo & that jumpy chicken toy
jammy napping
jammy *sigh* getting in trouble again
jammy biting mommy
jammy & mommy
FUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!
not only am i out of my meds (cocks shotgun), but NOW i'm getting SICK!
this is NOT the week for me to be sick. this isn't even a good DAY for it.
oh...my...GAWD.
BLAH! &=(
this is NOT the week for me to be sick. this isn't even a good DAY for it.
oh...my...GAWD.
BLAH! &=(
posting pics
i just realized that i NEVER post any pics on here.
for some reason, i'm a picture retard. i can't make pictures DO what i want them to do. but i have a few pictures of me and the kakas that i want to post when i get home. i post stuff on my myspace page, but those of you who have "aged out" of myspace, you guys don't get to see my awesome pics. i'm going to buy a camera soon, even if it bankrupts me. i'm not good without a cam.
and the kakas are my kitties - my girls. there's bitty kaka (jammy pie) and big kaka (booboo). they're also known as the mean one (booboo) and the bad one (jammy pie). or the big one and the little one.
and i've developed my own language within the confines of my home, because there's never anyone else to talk to. so, if you don't understand something, it's just because you're not fluent in the ways of "the jimmy". my girls understand me fine, and me, them, so that's really what matters.
alrighty, for those of you articulate in cat - meow, mrow, mrooowwww. if you're not, tough shit.
&=D
for some reason, i'm a picture retard. i can't make pictures DO what i want them to do. but i have a few pictures of me and the kakas that i want to post when i get home. i post stuff on my myspace page, but those of you who have "aged out" of myspace, you guys don't get to see my awesome pics. i'm going to buy a camera soon, even if it bankrupts me. i'm not good without a cam.
and the kakas are my kitties - my girls. there's bitty kaka (jammy pie) and big kaka (booboo). they're also known as the mean one (booboo) and the bad one (jammy pie). or the big one and the little one.
and i've developed my own language within the confines of my home, because there's never anyone else to talk to. so, if you don't understand something, it's just because you're not fluent in the ways of "the jimmy". my girls understand me fine, and me, them, so that's really what matters.
alrighty, for those of you articulate in cat - meow, mrow, mrooowwww. if you're not, tough shit.
&=D
shipping sans sex
hmm...let me just elaborate on yesterday's post.
this is probably more than you never wanted to know about me, but meh.
some of the relationships i've developed (both past and present) seem to somehow center on sex. when i cross that ever-changing line of having sex with someone, i'm always the one to get screwed - literally and metaphorically. when i have sex with someone, i automatically get emotionally involved. it's not that i WANT to. it just HAPPENS.
several years ago, i lived that rampant teenage existence (at the tender age of 25), doing whatever i wanted, shirking my responsibilities, quitting my job and living off the money from the sale of my mom's house, having sex with just about anyone who wanted it. let me just interject here that THAT person is not me. it was an image of me, projected into an alternate life. don't get me wrong - i lived it. i was a part of it. i made the decisions that completely screwed my life for all eternity. but that PERSON was a person that i never wanted to be, and to this day, i'm permanently shamed by every action that's brought me to where i am today.
now, there are things in my life that are good. there are people in my life who are good. and i wouldn't have known about parts of this life, without having gone through the fire. and please don't resent me for saying that i would give just about all of this up to go back to my old life. it's a harsh statement, but it's true. i would give it all up.
but i can't.
so, i have to work with what i have now. i'm still in constant progression and redevelopment. i keep waiting for someone to come out of the woods and tell me who i am, because i sure as hell don't know. until then, i have to kind of make up my own rules as i go.
but there are people who don't respect those rules. there are people who don't care. when i point out that these people happen to be guys, i'm NOT stereotyping or pigeon-holing anyone. it's just that i don't HAVE relations with chicks. i know chicks can be (and are) just as dirty and evil as guys. i should know - i've been that villanous girl.
i know, and have ALWAYS known, that these people (dudes) are NOT my friends, no matter what they say, before getting into my pants. and just as chicks, dudes can and will say anything to get what they want from you.
so, what the hell am i getting at? i don't know. just let me kvetch for a while. stop reading if you're bored - i could less than give a shit.
basically, what i'm getting at is, i make my own trouble. hell, everyone does, if you really, REALLY look at who's to blame. i just allow myself to get too worked up over specific events. i have that high school mentality = is he gonna call? is he just after me for sex? does he really like me? does he even KNOW my last name?
i think i should just become a nun. and not the kind that screws around. i'm looking for the "nice guy" stereotype, but i'm just scaring myself off from every prospect. i'm looking for someone who likes me as me and not someone else. i want someone who can appreciate me, even on my cyclically sad days. there are guys in whom i'm seriously interested, there are some who are teetering on the edge, and there are others who, in my mind, just don't have a chance - not because i'm totally awesome or something - just because i don't see us as "long-term compatible".
i don't KNOW if i'm ever going to be normal. i don't KNOW if i'll ever have kids. i don't KNOW if one day, i'll just wake up and turn in my apps to the peace corps and hop the first plane to the west bank of gaza.
so basically, it comes down to this: if you're after me for sex, you can tack yourself to the wall by the nutsack and log back on to www.disgustingshit.com. what i have to offer is not what everyone has to offer. i like to think what i have is special - and it is. because for the (somewhat) lucky recipient, what i have is unfaltering adoration, along with a sex life that may or may not blow your mind. i don't make idealistic promises or declarations. i don't think that i'm more than i am. i'm just me, and i'm looking for someone who's looking for me, PROBLEMS AND ALL.
i was perfect to someone at one time, but i gave it all up, for _________. you can fill in the blank yourself, because no matter what you say, you'll never truly understand what i went through. it was never intentional, and it was certainly never meant to be permanent.
however many times i've said this, i'm saying it again, because i can: now, i'm starting over.
this is probably more than you never wanted to know about me, but meh.
some of the relationships i've developed (both past and present) seem to somehow center on sex. when i cross that ever-changing line of having sex with someone, i'm always the one to get screwed - literally and metaphorically. when i have sex with someone, i automatically get emotionally involved. it's not that i WANT to. it just HAPPENS.
several years ago, i lived that rampant teenage existence (at the tender age of 25), doing whatever i wanted, shirking my responsibilities, quitting my job and living off the money from the sale of my mom's house, having sex with just about anyone who wanted it. let me just interject here that THAT person is not me. it was an image of me, projected into an alternate life. don't get me wrong - i lived it. i was a part of it. i made the decisions that completely screwed my life for all eternity. but that PERSON was a person that i never wanted to be, and to this day, i'm permanently shamed by every action that's brought me to where i am today.
now, there are things in my life that are good. there are people in my life who are good. and i wouldn't have known about parts of this life, without having gone through the fire. and please don't resent me for saying that i would give just about all of this up to go back to my old life. it's a harsh statement, but it's true. i would give it all up.
but i can't.
so, i have to work with what i have now. i'm still in constant progression and redevelopment. i keep waiting for someone to come out of the woods and tell me who i am, because i sure as hell don't know. until then, i have to kind of make up my own rules as i go.
but there are people who don't respect those rules. there are people who don't care. when i point out that these people happen to be guys, i'm NOT stereotyping or pigeon-holing anyone. it's just that i don't HAVE relations with chicks. i know chicks can be (and are) just as dirty and evil as guys. i should know - i've been that villanous girl.
i know, and have ALWAYS known, that these people (dudes) are NOT my friends, no matter what they say, before getting into my pants. and just as chicks, dudes can and will say anything to get what they want from you.
so, what the hell am i getting at? i don't know. just let me kvetch for a while. stop reading if you're bored - i could less than give a shit.
i was talking to a friend yesterday about this, and here's an excerpt from the letter i sent back to him (pardon the french):
all the rest of the time, it's just fucking, if that makes sense. it's so he can get his rocks off and that's all. it's almost meaningless, except that when i have sex with someone, i automatically develop "something" for them - not feelings per se. more like, i just let myself get emotionally involved.
all the rest of the time, it's just fucking, if that makes sense. it's so he can get his rocks off and that's all. it's almost meaningless, except that when i have sex with someone, i automatically develop "something" for them - not feelings per se. more like, i just let myself get emotionally involved.
either way, you're right. i just have to say no and let the "friendships" suffer. i went through this several years ago - fucking my way to having friends. but i'm retarded, because i KNOW these people aren't REALLY my friends. i mean, i'm not going to kid anyone. i like sex just as much as the next person. but when i LET myself do it with the wrong person, that just makes for emotional trouble for me.
basically, what i'm getting at is, i make my own trouble. hell, everyone does, if you really, REALLY look at who's to blame. i just allow myself to get too worked up over specific events. i have that high school mentality = is he gonna call? is he just after me for sex? does he really like me? does he even KNOW my last name?
i think i should just become a nun. and not the kind that screws around. i'm looking for the "nice guy" stereotype, but i'm just scaring myself off from every prospect. i'm looking for someone who likes me as me and not someone else. i want someone who can appreciate me, even on my cyclically sad days. there are guys in whom i'm seriously interested, there are some who are teetering on the edge, and there are others who, in my mind, just don't have a chance - not because i'm totally awesome or something - just because i don't see us as "long-term compatible".
i don't KNOW if i'm ever going to be normal. i don't KNOW if i'll ever have kids. i don't KNOW if one day, i'll just wake up and turn in my apps to the peace corps and hop the first plane to the west bank of gaza.
so basically, it comes down to this: if you're after me for sex, you can tack yourself to the wall by the nutsack and log back on to www.disgustingshit.com. what i have to offer is not what everyone has to offer. i like to think what i have is special - and it is. because for the (somewhat) lucky recipient, what i have is unfaltering adoration, along with a sex life that may or may not blow your mind. i don't make idealistic promises or declarations. i don't think that i'm more than i am. i'm just me, and i'm looking for someone who's looking for me, PROBLEMS AND ALL.
i was perfect to someone at one time, but i gave it all up, for _________. you can fill in the blank yourself, because no matter what you say, you'll never truly understand what i went through. it was never intentional, and it was certainly never meant to be permanent.
however many times i've said this, i'm saying it again, because i can: now, i'm starting over.
12.11.2006
mopo
Current mood: curious
yo, yo, yo - love blows.
relationships suck.
friendships are always tainted.
why can't people go about this without sex on the brain? without having some kind of "payoff"?
12.08.2006
militant hummingbird
ok, so i saw this really sweet video yesterday, where this chick was holding an injured hummingbird in her hand, helping him eat out of a flower.
which apparently led to the dream i had last night.
i can't really remember how it all started, but the part that stood out was when me and the kids - erica, shelby, goose & braxton - were at my old house on meadow view drive. i don't remember exactly what led up to it, but the last thing i remember was all 5 of us were standing inside the house. goose and i were holding the door shut, and erica, shelby & braxton were standing in front of us, crying. i turned to look out the peephole, and there was this bigger-than-normal, blue and green hummingbird hovering outside the door. we're standing there, discussing what we should do next, when all of a sudden, the hummingbird had burrowed or pecked its way through the door, and was hovering above the little circle we were standing in. everyone screams and scatters in 50 different directions, as the hummingbird comes after us. for some reason, i ran outside, and the place where the flowerbed was, was now completely filled with water, and there was a duck, sitting in a flower, and it had an abnormally large beak.
just so you know, all my prepositions are correct. the duck was IN the flower. if you're losing coherence, remind yourself "this is all a dream - it's just a dream."
for some reason, i stopped what i was doing, and sat down to pet him, and he reached out and tried to bite me. now, i've never been bit by a duck - i've been CHASED by a whole squadron (or whatever) of ducks, but they actually didn't catch me. i'm thinking, it can't really hurt THAT bad, but i'm not really sure i want to find out. so, i jumped up, and that's when the hummingbird started coming after me. somehow, i ended up back in my old bedroom, under my bed.
after that, i don't remember what happened. i woke up not long after that.
so, i had the weirdest dream i've had in a while...and now have the strangest, most irrelevantly-based fear of hummingbirds.
more laters...
which apparently led to the dream i had last night.
i can't really remember how it all started, but the part that stood out was when me and the kids - erica, shelby, goose & braxton - were at my old house on meadow view drive. i don't remember exactly what led up to it, but the last thing i remember was all 5 of us were standing inside the house. goose and i were holding the door shut, and erica, shelby & braxton were standing in front of us, crying. i turned to look out the peephole, and there was this bigger-than-normal, blue and green hummingbird hovering outside the door. we're standing there, discussing what we should do next, when all of a sudden, the hummingbird had burrowed or pecked its way through the door, and was hovering above the little circle we were standing in. everyone screams and scatters in 50 different directions, as the hummingbird comes after us. for some reason, i ran outside, and the place where the flowerbed was, was now completely filled with water, and there was a duck, sitting in a flower, and it had an abnormally large beak.
just so you know, all my prepositions are correct. the duck was IN the flower. if you're losing coherence, remind yourself "this is all a dream - it's just a dream."
for some reason, i stopped what i was doing, and sat down to pet him, and he reached out and tried to bite me. now, i've never been bit by a duck - i've been CHASED by a whole squadron (or whatever) of ducks, but they actually didn't catch me. i'm thinking, it can't really hurt THAT bad, but i'm not really sure i want to find out. so, i jumped up, and that's when the hummingbird started coming after me. somehow, i ended up back in my old bedroom, under my bed.
after that, i don't remember what happened. i woke up not long after that.
so, i had the weirdest dream i've had in a while...and now have the strangest, most irrelevantly-based fear of hummingbirds.
more laters...
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