don't keep reading...

...if it makes you depressed. this blog is mainly for me - to record how i change from day to day. it's sickeningly interesting to me. it peaks the interest of the sliver of me that's still alive and rattling around somewhere inside.

today is my friday. nothing to do today. surgery is full of eyes, ears & plastics, which isn't my area of expertise. slept a lot yesterday (again). went to wal-mart with my friend roy, and we wandered around, lost, like i normally do while i'm there. i just go in and wonder "where ARE the toothpicks?," then end up in gardening, trying to figure out if it would just be easier if i bought a rake and a knife and made my own toothpicks. i hate wal-mart. but we had fun...i think. did we?

hmmm...i got a lot going on in my head right now. not really at liberty to divulge - just a bunch of personal hmmms. wondering when it's all going to come back together and start making some semblance of a life. just don't have much energy for anything else. no answering the phone, not talking to my fam, not really even heather - i just see blank in front of me. i'm really, really tired. really looking forward to going to the doc tomorrow. really hope he'll find something. have so many things that i should be looking forward to. but i don't.

work's getting on my nerves. it's not an "i've been here for 2 years" thing. it's something else - whatever i'm going through. i can tell. this isn't the same that i felt in the past, where i crossed a bridge with a job, pouring gasoline in my wake. i can set fire to anything - physically AND metaphorically. my brain is complete self-sabotage at all times.

i just can't FEEL anything right now. i'm numb. to everything. i don't care. i can't care. and i try. but it just gets lost in the void of my soul. the "black hole heart" eats it. i walk around everywhere in this constant daze, like i'm drugged with depression. and it's times like this that i'm pretty sure i'll never feel normal again. i hope for normality, though. my improbability drive is functioning at 110%. which is ok. i enjoy the randomness of life. i don't enjoy me, though. my body and mind are like my purgatory. well, i can't figure out if they're purgatory or hell.

i daydream EVERY SINGLE DAY day that one night, i'll go to sleep, and in the morning, i'll jump out of bed, leaving the old me behind. and it's becoming such a selfish thought, that i don't even care if i'll never be able to relate to another depressed person ever again. like i'll be able to say, "well, i was depressed once, but i don't remember ANY of what that was like! sorry!," and then bound off, happily.

ahhh, i gotta go potty. i'm tired of this shit. and i want taco bell. so those are some pretty steep demands for someone like me, so i better get started.