swirling vortex of...depression.

these last few weeks have been blah. i still feel blah. i'm off friday, and i'm going to the doctor - i'm looking so forward to this, you don't even know. i have another call into my psych, and we're just playing phone tag right now. i'm hoping i'll get to see him either tomorrow or friday. my plastics appt has to be rescheduled, so that blows. and i have to work on bills today.

i went to spend the past weekend with my friend landon, and i had a great time. i went to my first hockey game on saturday and have come to realize that i love hockey. i hate that i've missed out on it all these years. landon said at one point, i was standing on the back of the chair in front of me, screaming. apparently that was good. i mean, he still gave me a ride home that night, so i guess it couldn't have freaked him out that bad. anyway, i'm totally hooked to watching live hockey - i imagine tv hockey wouldn't be that engrossing. and i'm a hxc fan for the huntsville havoc. they lost 4-2 to the columbus cottonmouths, but it was still an awesome game. AND i got a free shower while i was there, too, so that was nice. the guy behind me was yelling and screaming AND bathing me in his saliva, so i thought that was extremely thoughtful.

anyway, i got to meet a lot of really cool people this weekend, and i had a great time. i'm sorry it sounds so anti-climactic when i talk about it now, but...you know. i'm just not "me" right now. i haven't been me for some time. heather hasn't been feeling good either, and i just found out that a friend's son tried to commit suicide this weekend. so, it's not just me. apparently, it's in the weather. i'm actually hoping they'll put me on something different - i don't know, maybe SPEED or something. because i'm tired of feeling shiteous. all this selfish whining takes a lot out of you.


and phil called last night. that was...weird. completely unwarranted. he said he was bored. and i don't understand that. i've never been so bored that i've called an ex. i've been so DRUNK that i did it. i just don't understand people. i don't understand how they work. i can't be friends with ex's. i just can't. it's like, once you've passed a certain line, there's no back-tracking. so, that's why i'm not looking to make any more of my friends ex-anythings. aka. i'm not looking at "dating". like DAAAAATING - you know. i mean, going out as friends is fine. but the official exclusive dating? nah, i think i'm done with that. forever. it hurts my heart too much to break up with people. i can't hardly leave a surgery case without feeling a little remorseful - i always feel like i need to hug everyone in the room. but i don't. all the time. only some of the time.

anywheres, i gots lots of doc appts coming up, and i'm so glad. i have hope that someone's going to find that switch in me, and flip it to the "get over yourself" mode. i can't get through a day without having a headache or wanting to die or just taking a fucking nap. i mean, seriously, i can't. and i have that fear that no one believes what i'm saying, because i'm such a good faker. i'm so friggin good at this now, i can laugh, smile, converse, without breaking a sweat. but it's getting harder. i'm having to force myself to do too much. and when i say force, i mean, forcing a breath, forcing a smile, forcing myself to eat because i waited too long and got the shakes again. FORCE. something in me is the force. i'm guessing it's God, because i have nothing else. the dead walk. i'm dead. i keep dying, then coming back to life. people make fun of zombies, but i know they're real. i know what a zombie feels like. no wonder zombies want to eat brains - i feel like i want to eat come cereal. which isn't really a brain, but it's close enough in that you probably want some milk with it.

ok, i have to go upstairs and do that stupid safety fair. i don't have a lot of cases today, so i'm gonna be in and out of consciousness. jesus h, my head hurts. let me go see if this granola yogurt will make it better. if not, well, i'm screwed.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

glad your back and posting! i missed you.