i was just talking to my friend ron - he's concerned that the chick he likes is sneaking around with his best friend. we talked a bit about why people lie, and what makes them do what they do. that always sets me in reverse motion, and i start (again) thinking about my past. i realized that the reason i can't lie anymore is because i can't hurt anyone anymore. telling lies, no matter for how long and for what reason, is SOOOO much easier than telling the truth. because the truth incriminates YOU. with lies, you incriminate everyone else. with lies, you don't have to own up to what mistakes you've made. with lies, you get to continue to have your cake and eat it, too. with the truth, you're found out, you're the bad person, and you have to admit that what you're doing is wrong. and who likes to admit they're wrong?
"i didn't want to hurt you." yeah, well, fuck you. if you didn't want to hurt me, why'd you do it? der. not everyone is in their right mind at all times, granted. i can speak from both ends of the spectrum. i've been the cheater and the cheatee. but you know, the only person i can really speak for is myself. we can assume anything about the other person's motives, but we'll never really know. there are some people who will never really know for themselves, because they're too afraid to admit it. we always try to find that "good enough" reason to lightly paper over the lie, and if we say it enough, we'll eventually start to believe it, too. it works - i know.
for me, the lies eat me from the inside out. i'm pretty paranoid that everyone is staring at me, because "they know". their gazes linger a little too long. they're whispering...about me. my walk gives it away, my labored breathing, my staunched personality, everything. so, i gave it up. i gave up lying, like some people give up smoking. now, i do it every once in a while, just to see if i can, but the smell is so foul, i have to put it out. and smell of past lies linger in my clothes and on my skin, even today. there are some lies i'm pretty sure i'll never be able to wash off.
people, although living the same types of lives, day in and day out, CONTINUE to make the same mistakes, again and again - with people as individuals, we are ALWAYS doomed to repeat history. we always think "we're" the ones who know better. that's why teens are so retarded. that's why i was retarded. that's why erica's retarded. that's why shelby will be retarded. that's why goose & braxton will be retarded. because we know. we've had the experiences, albeit different - WE KNOW. and if people would just learn to "TALK" and other people would learn to "LISTEN & NOT JUDGE," life might be just a tiny bit more dealable.
as for life, there's this certain "formula" that we think we have to follow. i mean, i guess it makes sense, but just because some sicko who thinks he's in charge of the universe (um, not God) decided that the way life works is this: be born, grow up, graduate high school, go to college, get married, have kids, grow old, die - you know, we don't necessarily have to follow that exact strategy. just because it worked for 3, 18 or 700 guys, doesn't mean it's going to work that way for everyone. i still feel like the "biggest loser on the beach" because i'm divorced before i know how to properly balance a checkbook.
i mean, i swear, beyond aaron, i was pretty sure there was no life. but there is. following some years. i don't know where he is anymore, what he's doing. i wish i did. i wish we were friends. i wish i could be his friend. i wish i had my "family" back. i wish i could be a friend to anyone. right now, i'm living in my own "what about bob?" scenario. people drag this dead body around, and other people think i'm just "eerily quiet".
speaking of fam, i'm a total psycho for mine. they're awesome. i think i have the most wonderful, unique family in the world. i'm absolutely 100% sure about that. be it that i've lost a good part of my family (some to natural causes, some to divorce, some against my will...some that were never mine by blood in the first place), the ones i have left are like gold. hell, you guys know how i am about money - i'd throw infinite money off into the grand canyon for my family.
just shot a chest x-ray, and our ultrasound tech, alyssa, had to shoot while i held the lady's arms up. the lady was coming out of the bldg that she works in, and the security guard hit her. alyssa said, "was he drunk?," and the lady said, "no, his windows were fogged." so he's just driving around the parking lot, where people are, scoring hits left and right. THE SECURITY GUARD. geez, i feel totally safe, now. *duck & roll*
and i got the woman's arms up and yelled at alyssa, "ok, go ahead!," when i looked around and she's standing in the room. she said, "go ahead with what?" THEN, i decided to realize that she's never shot an xray in her life - she went to ultrasound school (she's not from here - here, we have to go through x-ray school, then pick a specialization like us). i was like, "oh crap, sorry - go back there - see the button on the side? push it and hold it down until i say stop!" so that was funny. well, funny if you're a tech. so everyone just disregard that.depressed people have a hard time saying funny things. or something.
cripes, this "friday" thursday has been like 7 wednesdays on a sunday today. i'll update on my doc visit - we usually fight when i go, because i'm like, "NO! you're not telling me i'm crazy because you're afraid i really am!" well, i make him laugh, so that's always cool. he thinks i'm funny...looking. i guess i need to make a list of all my concerns. that always elicits a tiny little sigh from the end of the doc, and i think it's funny. every time i would go see my old internist, she'd walk in and say, "ok, where's your list?" she was friggin awesome.
ok, i'm going now, because rambling is about to commence. i'm linking this to my new gmail acct, so i can have rambling ones of these that you guys don't have to read. i mean, one time, i wrote an entire post using only the word "fuck". i'm PURTY sure you don't want to read that one.