You know, as you all can imagine, I'm not incredibly good at paying attention. In fact, my attention is somewhat bankrupt, especially at the moment.
My knee has been at the forefront of my mind, obviously because of the severe pain I'm in. Once again, I don't talk about it, unless it's really bugging me. So, I've been a bit of an antisocial at work - not my cheery, bubbly, bouncy self that I normally am. And, of course, I get the ever-popular "What's wrong with you?"
Well, mother-fucker, since you used such a hateful tone but were so kind to ask, I'm in pain. It's pretty much immutable and uninterrupted.
THEN, I get to get EVERYONE ELSE'S second opinions: Why did you have that done? Why did you let him do it? Why didn't you get a second opinion? You mean, you're going to let him do it again? You can't be hurting as bad as ME - I stubbed my toe the other day on the bed and it has a bruise now!
Lemme tell you a little, tiny yet somewhat important something about me. I don't like when other people give me advice. ES-SUPER-SPECIALLY when I didn't ask for it. I have a best friend and family for that. Not to say that other people don't have my best interest in mind, but I'm pretty sure other people don't have my best interest in mind. Lots of the people I know talk purely for the satisfaction it gives them to hear themselves talk. Not that I blame them - sometimes I do it, too. I don't think it's because I like to hear myself, though. I think I just have a real problem stopping the air from crossing my vocal cords.
Ok, so anyway, all these people have been giving me a hard time about my surgery, and I think I'm just going to start climbing onto peoples' backs and saying, "Ok, Jesus, or whoever you think you are to be telling me what I should and should not do, since I shouldn't be having surgery, YOU CARRY ME AROUND FOR THE REST OF MY EFFING LIFE."
Like I said, I'm no puss. I can deal with pain. I've been dealing with some pretty severe pains for the past several years - back & neck, mainly - and unless you're a close, personal friend of mine, it's rare that you'll hear me mention anything that's bothering me, physically or mentally, for that matter. Be glad of it. Revel in it. Thank God for it. And, for Christ's sake, keep your fucking opinions to yourself!
Oh, that's the other thing that drives me bat-shit, is when someone asks, and I say, "nah, my back is just bothering me," then I get the "well, I broke 75 vertebrae in my back AND both my legs AND was on life support for a year and a half AND I couldn't remember my family when I woke up, so I had to start a new life, blah, blah...."
Look, people, I'm not trying to one-up anybody. If you want to be the most pitiful thing alive, OMFG, BE MY GUEST. I'm not, for one second, saying that my pain and suffering has been any greater than anyone else's, but Jesus H, I'm the only person I've ever BEEN, so I'm the only person I'll ever KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT. As I've said MANY, MANY times before, my experiences are my own, and no one knows how they made me feel except me. No one knows what exactly happened, except me. No one knows what lasting effects they've had, except me. No one knows what keeps me up late at night, except me. And, no one has the right to pry and give me a hard time about it...no, not even my therapist.
I'm just convinced, after far too much deliberation, that people just don't know how to talk to each other. There are several people with whom I work (and know), who have the world's most hateful tones in their voices. They could be telling you happy birthday, but for some reason, their tone makes you want to walk out to the top level of the parking deck and jump off. If I'm pissed, and I want you to know, you're gonna know. But the rest of the time, unless I'm playing or being retarded, I like to put a little bit of kindness and cooperation into the sound of my voice. I may outwardly agree with what you're saying, but 9.5 times out of 10, I think you're much more psycho than me, and I'd just like to end the conversation and walk away with all my body parts intact.
So, there. I always enjoy having discussions with people, but once you become one-sided and try to be my mom, something you'll never achieve, I completely shut down. To those of you who think I'm just being a complete bitch, welcome to me. I have that tendency, but I'll also pull my "girl card" for this one.
And, here's a suggestion. If you don't want me to be a bitch, don't be a dumbass. I know - it's a LOT to ask of some people, and I've come to where I don't even expect it anymore. But if you're going to act like a retard, expect to be treated like a retard.
Wow, that was a subject that's been bothering me for some time. But, herein lie the reasons that I just walk away from most people while they're talking. Number one, I'm pretty sure they don't even know I'm standing there (I have a tendency to be somewhat invisible - both good and bad), and they could give a shit what I have to say (I experience this A LOT). Number two, I don't condone violence to solve problems, but I also have serious rage issues, and I've come to understand that my best option (and your teeth's) is for me to just leave. Number three, most people become so enraptured with themselves, your "dialogue" turns into their "monologue" - they couldn't care what you were saying if you were on fire.
So, TADA! Most people are idiots who only care about themselves. If you're one of them, I'm very sorry. I have my selfish moments, but at least I've come to a point in my life where I can recognize and admit them. I mean, hell, this li'l ol' blag ri'chere is a good example of my narcissism! And, if you don't want to know things about me, then maybe you should STOP READING.
Hey, here's a challenge! Tomorrow, before you do or say something stupid, use some common sense. Think about how it looks coming out of your mouth. If your answer to someone else having said it turns out to be, "God, what a jackhole," or "Hey, that really hurt my feelings," THEN DON'T SAY IT.
You'd think with as much as I bitch about this crap, I'd never be a happy person. But I can guaran-damn-tee you that I'm the only person in that hospital who smiles or speaks to everyone I pass in the hallway. I'm kind and considerate to my patients. I listen intently to my coworker's woes. I'll pat people on the back just for the hell of it. And, I give hugs out to people who just look like they need them.
Don't be an ass. Everyone has problems, and you're no more special than anyone else, no matter what those voices are telling you.
And for God's sake, unless you're planning on coming to take care of me (which I would never allow), then get off my ass about what I do with my life. I'm doing the best I can with the resources I have, so bite me. Sorry to be so bitter, but I've been getting peoples' critiques WAAAAAAAAAY more than I care to.
Now, if I could just have this blog made into a t-shirt, I'd wear it everywhere I went. It's much better than "You look like I need another drink."