To carve END on my arms

I should be going to bed, and I will soon.

I've just been sleeping all day, because of this flu, or whatever level 4 hot virus I have. The CDC really should come quarantine me. I think I have whale flu or something. This fever has been kicking my ass for three days - tomorrow will be day four. And, it's ranged from 101-103°. I've actually been sick for two solid weeks, but the head cold was nothing, until the fever kicked in. Plus, the germs have settled comfortably deep within my lungs. I have runny nose, sneezing, coughing, fever, severe fatigue, all-over body pain, green diarrhea (which I'm thinking is resultant from all the meds I've been taking). Um, at least my throat doesn't hurt. Well, on the inside, anyway. Everything on my body is falling apart. My wrists and elbows hurt, my back won't let up, no matter what my position, my neck has surpassed pain altogether and moved onto a completely different level of suffering.

My friend Debbie said I can come to Ashland to see her doctor there - I might do that, if I'm not feeling any better tomorrow. I keep thinking if I can break the fever, then I can stay on top of it, but that hasn't happened. Sometimes it feels like it goes away, but then it comes back within an hour or so, with a vengeance.

I wish I knew why God gave me such a fucked-up body. I can't fight anything for shit. Anyone else can get a runny nose or the sniffles. Mine requires IV fluids, three trips to the ER and a bathtub full of ice. And, the weird thing is, I don't always take meds when I get sick. I try REALLY, REALLY hard to let my body fight off the illness naturally. But, it never fails. I always take a horrible turn for the worse, and people are like, "oh, well, you should have gone to see the doctor when the symptoms started." Man, get off me. This is my body. I'm trying desperately to do what I think is best for me. I mean, how else are you supposed to build up immunities?

Anyway, I'm back on my vitamins, which I've been really bad about not taking, since I got laid off. And, I have to majorly increase my fluid intake tomorrow. Deb said it's like washing the germs out of your body. And, another friend said a fever can stick around longer or get worse, the more dehydrated you are. I didn't know that. I swear they taught us all the wrong stuff in school. Like the fact that you can't put ANY amount of liquid detergent in the dishwasher - didn't know that.

Gah, I'm on fire! I've been sitting around with a thermometer in my mouth for hours, just to monitor my temperature. It hasn't gone any higher than 103° - well, that I've caught it. I just got a thermometer today, so...I didn't get one of those crappy digital ones either. This one has Galinstan, which is an earth-friendly substitute for Mercury. The digital ones never last for me, nor are they accurate - they've never worked for me.

Jared called a couple of days ago and said my car may be ready this week, but since tomorrow's Friday, I think it may be next week before I get it back. I really don't want to get it back right now. I don't want to leave the house, because I'm terrified of getting other people sick. I bumped hands with the cashier lady at the CVS, and she looked at me totally weird, when I told her she needed to wash her hands. I wasn't playing either. I used a (clean) tissue to use the marker on the debit card machine. I really need some masks for when I go out in public, too, but I don't know where they are. I have some packed away somewhere.

I almost walked outside earlier with no pants on. I was taking Jack out, and I've been wearing shorts, but I had to take them off, because this fever is making my skin so sensitive. I can't stand for blankets to touch me, and I keep going from freezing to burning. I took some freaking Theraflu about an hour ago, but it hasn't kicked in for some reason. I'm not looking forward to sleeping, because I always have fitful, nightmarish sleep when I have fevers.

I asked the pharmacist at CVS what I could take for specific flu symptoms (runny nose and coughing), and she said that if I thought I had the flu, I needed to go see a doctor. I swear, I wanted to punch that bitch in the face. A doctor??? REALLY???? I didn't think of that!!!

I said, "Look, if I had insurance OR the money, I can promise I would have gone there at the first sign of this. Can you just answer my question?" I hate being sick - I'm a real bitch. I've been a bitch to everyone, even the girls and Jack. It makes me feel horrible. &=( I can't even stand long enough to let Jack take a dump. If I stand longer than a few minutes, my blood pressure starts to drop, and I feel like I'm going to faint. I'm really dehydrated, or on my way there, I know, because my nose just won't stop running.

Cris left for tour today, and he's going to be gone for a whole week. I'm okay, except that I could really use the help with Jack. I wish I knew someone who boarded dogs cheaply, so I could take him, even if it's just for a few days - that would help immensely, if I didn't have to get up every couple of hours and take him out. He's been such a good boy through this. I feel so sorry for him, because sometimes I'll crash out because of the meds, and I won't wake up when he's yelling that he needs to potty, so he's been pottying a lot in his crate. It makes me feel so bad. &=( Poor baby! I just want to get better, so we can go for walks and play in the leaves! He loves that.

Okay, I'm going to try to lay down. My eyes are burning, and all I want to do is wake up tomorrow and feel some better. I'm so angry at God right now. Well, maybe not angry. More like, I just don't care anymore. I don't care what plans He has for me, because these past couple of months have been horrible. I don't care what sort of character this is going to add to my already chock-full file. I don't care about anything but feeling better and getting a damn job. I can't even care about other people right now. I just DON'T. And, that's not me. I want "ME" back. I want a regular me - not a depressed me, not a sickly me, not an absent me. If I can't have that back, just fucking kill me. For real. I can't live in this life anymore. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I have NO fire. I have NO drive. I have NO direction anymore. I just don't fucking care.

Ten years. It's been like this for ten long fucking years. And, I honestly don't see the point in going on, if this is all there is. I never know if the bad things actually outweigh the good things (I'm thinking yes), or if the bad things are just so fucking horrendous, I can't remember that there ARE good things. So far, the only good thing that I have going for me right now is Cris. And, I'm very thankful for unemployment. Aside from that, all we're doing is struggling. I'm depressed, I hate my life, I hate myself, I can't do anything on my own, I need a job, I need insurance, I need a car. And, my problems are nothing compared to what some of my friends have going on. I know I'm not alone, but I am the only one dealing with my shit. And, when it's your shit, it makes it that much more important in your life, obviously. It would be different if it was something I could ignore, but so far, my problems have presented themselves in a manner that causes them to be front and center. I can't do ANYTHING for anyone without a job or money or a car or my health. My life is just a goddamn disaster.

Every few days, I pretend it's a new beginning, but I'm just fooling myself. It's just more and more days of the same bullshit. I am glad to not be at the hospital anymore, but I do miss having a job - especially a well-paying job. And, I have no desire to ever return to healthcare. Ever. I know all fields are the same in some aspect or another, but FUCK the medical field. I've never met such uncaring, selfish people in all my life. Thankfully, I made some good friends while I was there, but I can assure you - the bitches, assholes, douches and dicks are in far greater number than the good people.

Okay, I have to lay down. Or, I'm going to make myself lay down. I'll have to start on the fluids tomorrow. I hate drinking lots, because then I have to pee all the time. But, I guess it's better I pee than not. I'm waiting for this to turn into fucking pneumonia - then, I'll REALLY be up shit creek. But, it won't be any different than any other day, so at least I'm prepared. Put me in the hospital. I'd LOVE for someone to take care of me for once. Put me on the vent - that way, I won't even have to breathe for myself.

I know - I sound incredibly selfish. But, if you knew where I was coming from, you'd understand. This isn't "having a really bad day." This is "would rather be dead." And, tomorrow is TWLOHA day. I'll write love on my arms, but I'll be wishing the marker was a knife instead.

Gotta love the drama, right? Well, it's unfortunate when they're your real feelings.

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