To the one who has my heart:

I miss you, and I love you.

I really want to tell you that.

I just wish you believed me.

I forgot how to stop loving...

Love, love, love, love him.

Don't know how long it's going to take me to work myself free from THIS shadow.

It really is a pain, when things don't work out between you and someone else, but your heart just refuses to accept the message. With Aaron, my heart stayed in denial for years. How long is it going to be this time?

If he just wants to see how far I'll go to prove myself, I'm all over that. But, you can usually tell when that's no longer cute and just becomes annoying. I wish it was the former, but I'm sure it's the latter, which is why I'm afraid to even try.

I understand that people just stop feeling things for other people sometimes. I don't know WHY it happens, but I know it's happened to me.

My problem is, I love this mother-fucker SO MUCH, that I feel like I'm frozen in my tracks. It's like everything can fall down all around me, but I can't afford to put my attention on anyone but him. I think I'm not even able to converse normally with others, because he's always at the forefront of my mind. At least *I* don't feel as though I'm acting socially normal. I feel like I'm constantly dwelling in a haze of him - which, no matter how it sounds, it's actually quite pleasant. It's been nice to reminisce back on times when things were good. I don't think they were ever properly healthy, but I do remember them being good.

And, he's worried because he said we DID try. Well, HE tried anyway. I was just kind of along for the ride, at the time. And, for whatever reason, I felt like he was a hindrance in my walk with God...and that was never the case (see lyrics to "She Left Me for Jesus" by Hayes Carll). I hate that I even felt like that was an acceptable reason to bail on him. I was afraid of the same shit that I'm always afraid of - I'm afraid of being the one who gets left. And, I have to get over that.

That's going to be HUGE for me, to finally clear that hurdle.

I'm okay, right now, being alone. I'm just bored, and I'm straight with being bored. I have people with whom I can safely hang out, not just a bunch of chodes who are going to try to take advantage of me. I like that. I'm okay where I am.

I'd just like to have him back in my life. Because I remember what it was like to be happy with him. Yes, when I was going through the divorce, I felt incredibly guilty about the happiness I was experiencing, like I was still cheating on Aaron. But, I'm finally OVER that! I can have my own happiness and make my own memories, without thoughts of him always interrupting everything! Do you know how excited that makes me??????? Ha! No, you don't, and that's okay.

Heather always thought it was funny that I'm a self-proclaimed romantic, since she's never seen it. I LOVE that kind of goofy stuff - leaving love notes, acting corny (and moderately nauseating), etc. One of my favorite things in the universe is being in love. I'm just finally able to do it guilt-free! &=D I know that sounds like a total cop-out, but I swear it's not. Trust me - if anyone in this free world is trying to get down to the root of my various problems, I can assure you I'm leading the expedition. Things have really calmed down for me, and although I'm not my biggest fan of the new and improved "calmer" version of me, at least I'm able to see things in a different light. I actually feel wiser, which is totally frightening, since I still picture myself as that retarded kid they're handing a diploma to and kicking out of high school, saying "welcome to the rest of your life! Now, LIVE!" Haha, that's STILL one of the scariest moments of my life. If my mom wouldn't have been there at that moment, I don't know what would have happened to me. (Thanks, Mom. You totally kept me from passing out that day, on more than one occasion.)

Ahhhh, I know. I talk things to death - things that won't change. But, it helps me understand...well, sometimes. And, it helps me work through things - always has.

I love him. And, I'm stuck. I wouldn't mind being stuck so much, if I knew there was something to it. But, if this is just another fruitless endeavor, to prove something to someone who cares nothing for me, then I'm ready to move on. And, it will be another X-amount of years before I'm over this one.

I wish he and I would have met when we were young. There was a point when we were growing together, and I miss that. I miss being "young" with him. I miss him.

I wish he missed me, too.

Undone

I have these words that want to come out. All these words......

I feel like I have a giant mental brick wall, holding something back...like a dam...maybe all the words I want to say.

Right now, I can stare someone right in the face and have no thoughts and no emotions running through my head. You could probably look in my eyes and see clear through to the back of my skull.

In my head, it's all deafening sound, but it's completely quiet. My shapes and colors and trains of emotions and raw feelings and heaving chest ready to burst with tears are silent, absent.

This is not a state to which I am accustomed.

Oh.

I know what it is.

I've figured it out.

There are things I need to say to him, things I want to tell him, things I want to experience with him...

but I'm too scared.

I'm terrified to let myself think any farther than this moment, because if I do, I'm just going to end up being let down and getting hurt. I don't want to trick myself into making there be something there, if there isn't. All this faux-thought is how I get through. Pretending helps me make it through the day. But, it's completely unrealistic. Especially, when you're only HOPING someone feels the same way you do.

I could understand if he was nervous...you know, about getting back into the same THING we had before. It's hard to move past the primary point of innocence, when you first meet and you're still so unspoiled in your beloved's eyes. Our relationship wasn't initially based on friendship, but he came to be one of the people I trust most in this world. I know he would never INTENTIONALLY hurt me. But, you don't always equate "intention" with "translation."

He called me. Which is why I'm writing again. He never calls me. It's always in texts. I'm fine with texts, but it's just incredibly distant and impersonal. It's what you do when you're too embarrassed to talk to someone or you just want to tell them one thing.

He never calls me. Why now?

Should I ask?

Well, it's my situation, so I guess I can kinda do whatever the hell I want. (sweet.)

I miss him so much, it makes me sick to my stomach. I have daydreams of the way things would be, and I allow myself to get caught up in them, but only momentarily. Usually, I shake myself back into reality. I even dream of how things were, how happy I was. And, I was happy. The divorce was just hard on me. It really was. I felt like losing Mom and Aaron was causing me to lose my identity. I missed who I was. Sometimes I still do.

But, I'm different now. Things are different. SO much different. And, I'm different...but I'm better. I don't know that I'll ever be "over" depression, but I know that I'm over some drama in my life. I'm over pretending. I'm over trying to control things. I'm over trying to change people. I can do what I want to do, but in the end, things will always turn out how they were supposed to.

I wish I could just sit face-to-face to him and say things, all the things I need to say....and, know he's hearing me. One time, he wrote that something about me owns him. As sick as it sounds, what I wouldn't give for that to still be true. Seems things have changed. He's now the owner, and I'm the poor, pitiful puppy, who wants nothing more than to be loved, whole-heartedly.

Yes, I'm still trying to escape this, although I like to reach out and grab for the tender edge of that dream when I have a free hand and tug on it, when he's paying me attention. It's another reason I've decided to start getting out more and doing more things, meeting more people. Healing isn't a rapid process - ever. The circus protest this year was awesome, and I met a lot of great people. I just want friends. I just need friends.

What am I saying? I don't know what I need. I need a valium, is what I need. I need to stop obsessing over this (nice, that's only the second time I've used that term tonight = not good).

I know you don't read this, but I have so much I want to say to you. I don't know what it is, yet, but it's there. You know how I feel...I, once, left it on a slip of paper, on your computer desk. I'm sorry that I love you so much, but I do. I wish I could put all these weird, awkward, frightening, "OBSESSIVE," overpowering emotions aside and just be your friend, with no strings attached. But, I just don't think I can do that. I don't think that it's within my power to make that happen. I'VE TRIED to just not have feelings for you. I really, honestly have. But, I always come back to you. And, I don't mean in a way that deems you "my safety." I mean that you make me fucking happy. You make me happy and warm and fuzzy, and you make me have those damned hearts all over my head. I wish I could just sit and talk to you for hours on end. I want to fall asleep talking, about nothing and everything. I want to live the life we had, but without you having to live in that horrible shadow I was dragging around with me. I'm finally free of that. And, I want you to know I'm free. I FEEL free. I will always mourn for things and people I lost, the life I loved, but there's no point in living in the past. I'm ready to make beautiful new memories, with the man I love now. I'm ready to live a fucking real life again. I'm just no fucking good without you. You MAKE me a better person, just by being who you are...and I love you for exactly that. I'm so proud of who you are, and although we'll never agree on completely everything, you're the most wonderful human being I've ever met.

Just to show it's not all flowers and fairy dust, if you ever start dating someone who's not me, I will hate you, albeit momentarily (her, forever), and if you get married, no, I will NOT come to your wedding. Ever. So, don't pretend we're that great of friends, because we're not. I love you, but I love you with me. That's pretty much what it boils down to.

HA! Sorry. I just had to get that out. We had that whole weirdo "recent-ex comes to the door for four hundred hours, all upset and crying, while super-ex is hanging out inside, no this isn't awkward at all, so he comes back in and I'm on the floor, on all fours, having a fucking panic attack and screeching 'I CAN'T DO THIS!!! I CAN'T SEE YOU WITH OTHER PEOPLE!!!' " scene, and it went swimmingly (she says drolly, eyes rolling back). Actually, it went exactly like that, and it was horrific. I contemplated climbing out the window, but I was actually a little worried of how that would be taken. And, I was weathering it out, if there was any possible chance of us salvaging anything. Climbing out the window would have just been...well, something *I* totally would have done. Plus, I think that requires a bit of grace (which I do not possess), and I might have fallen and hurt myself, so that would have sucked to have limped around to him and the then-crying ex and explain what happened.

God, the rest of the evening was terrible enough. Not because of him, because he's always been good to me and calm with me and collected and thoughtful and kind. But, just because I couldn't get the image of them hugging out of my mind.

YES, I LOOKED THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE - DON'T EVEN ACT LIKE YOU WOULDN'T HAVE...rotten stone-throwers.

*URP*

So, I guess the visual just made me nauseated to the point that in my mind's eye, they were making out on the front stoop, talking about getting back together, what to name their kids and what to do with that weirdo who was sitting inside, while I sat inside by myself watching fucking tv. Fuck THAT altogether.

&=)

Let's just say, if I'm ever forced to jump around in time ("hoping each time that her next leap will be the leap home!"), that won't be a day I'll be revisiting. Well, that and that horrible NON-kiss, but we won't talk about that. *shudder* Ohhhh, the days of my life to redo could fill the Bible, no lie. But, you know, if it all ends up leading to something good (no, I won't put the responsibility of that on his shoulders), then hell - it'll be worth it.

Bring on some good days. I'm hella-tired from fighting this current. I'm ready to just lay down and let it take me out to sea. I'll never lay down and claim defeat - although I've been ready to, many, many times in the past. But, I want to just coast for a while, see what's out there...see if there's anything (anyone?) waiting on me.

Peeyew - God, I smell fart all of a sudden, which is weird, 'cause I'm the only one in here, and I didn't do it. &=( Well, that's a pretty good segues to end this post, right? The smell of fart, and the fact that I'm super-hungry for cereal. I'll be glad when I have some moneys, so I can get that name brand cereal I've been dreaming about! &=D

Yeah, I'm sleepy. It's been a rough day. But, I'm gloriously tired and somewhat content right now. Just missing...him.

C'est la vie - here's hoping........

Can't you hear what I'm NOT saying?

*groan*

*GROAN*

He doesn't REMOTELY feel the same way I do.

How am I supposed to get over this? How the HELL do you STOP being in love with someone?

This "friend" bullshit is going to kill me - I swear it.

I could go right back into a life with him, but I know he just doesn't see it that way. He doesn't FEEL that way about me. So, why are we still putting on this friend charade? WHY, DAMMIT???? He KNOWS how I feel! Is it just to keep me hanging? &=(

I'm no good at things left unsaid. That's totally not me. I'm all about laying all my fucking cards out on the table, then going from there.

I just can't understand why he so badly wants to be friends. It would be different if we were building towards something...but I just don't think that's it. I'm deathly afraid of being used - but I will let it happen. I don't guess that conveys much love - maybe more along the lines of obsession.

Okay, well shit. That's totally creepy.

Fuck. I'm just going to stand here and get used, until I'm all used up. I'm not breaking another mother-fucker's heart. Fuck that. I'm not into the fuck-buddy thing. Maybe once upon a time. But, it hurts me.

And, this is going to hurt me.

But, I'll do it.

Because, I'm desperately in love with him, and I have no other way to tell him.

Aishiteru.

...I miss you...

Finally, an upswing.

I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry. Just had to start with my most important information.

I FINALLY got a FREAKING JOB!!!! I swear, I didn't see this coming. And, to be the tiniest bit honest (and a tad vague), I'm super-nervous. It's not a job that I'd particularly choose for myself, but I just need A JOB. And, as long as they'll take care of me, I'm good.

Uh, okay. I'm nervous about the state of my body. I'm worried I'm not going to be able to carry the trays, and I'll drop things. I've already been having a HELL of a time with my left shoulder. Lately, I've been having bilateral tennis elbow (worse in the left). How am I supposed to shoulder all this stuff? Not that pushing the C-arm was ever any better, but at least I wasn't carrying things. I don't know - I guess I'm just a little intimidated. Not even by the people - just the things I have the memorize and know, and I think the brown-nosery bothers me slightly. Although I'm REALLY, REALLY good at kissing ass, I don't LIKE it. I don't expect anyone to kiss my ass.

*Sorry, I'm having to make myself a note that my left ear is ringing. This is the only way I'm going to be able to understand that Ménière's thing I have, is to record all my symptoms and spells when they happen. I actually had a real dizzy episode about two days ago. I didn't have a full attack - just the dizziness and tinnitus. Anyway, back to more important things...

I went in today at 10, filled out paperwork, then they had us start shadowing people. It's pretty crazy, if you've never worked in the restaurant business. And, I don't care to smell that smell all day. At least a hospital always had that weird, clean, sterile smell. Fish makes me nauseous. But, they let me leave about 1, I went to visit with Heather, then I came back in at 4 and stayed till 730. My feet were killing me! Lots of standing - yuck. Lots of action - yay.

Also, my personal life is about to drastically change. Trevin's moving out (just as soon as either one of us gets money to send him back to Austin). I told him that it's just not working out, but I wanted to still be friends. He's been very understanding - I mean, we wouldn't have known unless we tried. I'm just not happy...same as I've ever been with anyone (other than the only two who meant anything). But, my mind keeps reverting back to the one. It's so hard...to be quiet and discerning. It's hard to look in from the outside and miss what you just gave away with both hands. It's not hard to be wrong - hell, I'm wrong ALL the time. And, I'm usually the first to admit it. Well, I was wrong this time.

I don't know that I'll ever get another chance...or even that I deserve one.

But, in the meantime, I'm working on myself. I'll never be perfect, but I want to be better.

First step - No more self-loathing.

'K, fine...

&=) I RAWK. &=)

Thank you, Kelly

You environmentalists should check out my friend Kelly's page. She's who I MEANT to be, when I got to 32.

Can I go, now?

So.

I didn't get the clinic job.

Somehow, I expected that.

But, now, I'm out of ideas of what to do...for the rest of my life.

I've come to the realization over the past few months that I don't like my life. There are people in my life whom I ADORE, but I just don't like MY LIFE. I don't LIKE being an x-ray tech. But, what can I do? I have a degree in something, that no one wants me for. Or, I think it's just that no one wants me.

That woman completely judged me on my resume. I have a hole-filled resume, for about six years, until I got the job at Highlands. Then, I was at Highlands for four consistent years. But, I guess that doesn't matter. Joe said they're looking for patterns. But, how can you see a pattern in something that hasn't been there for over four years? I have a feeling I'm going to have to redesign my resume, which is ridiculous. The JOB WORLD is ridiculous. It's all about lying and padding, to make things look better.

Look, do you people want the truth or not?

The woman who conducted my interview for the clinic was a real ball buster. She kept asking me all these really personal questions, and it made me feel really uncomfortable. She kept asking me what my ideal job was - she was waiting for me to say that I wanted to spend the rest of my born days in that clinic, but I'm just no good at lying. I can stave off the truth for a while, but I can't outright lie and brown nose like that. That's why I wasn't any good at Highlands. My boss wanted brown nosers, and that just wasn't me. I'm sorry - let me rephrase. My boss wanted brown nosers OR pretty girls, and I am neither.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I was really worried today, but I gave myself the rest of the day to be mad and pissy and cry, but I'm over it. Now, I'm just trying to move on to "what to do," or Plan Bazillion and Four. I don't LIKE not having a job. Yes, I would like to have a job that was better suited to me, but what is that? I haven't the slightest. And, all day, I've been fussing about how I should have just stayed in school for Biology, which was my original plan all along, but I didn't. I'd even like to go back to school, but that's out of the question for now. Right now, I just need a JOB. I need MONEY, to make ends meet. A friend put on her Facebook, "by the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends." Oh, how true that is.

Lately, I've been contemplating selling (or giving away) as much stuff as I possibly can, putting the rest in storage, giving my animals new homes, and just going somewhere else to start over. But, I'm deathly afraid that I'm just going to be running away from something that will follow me everywhere. I don't even know what that is. I'm so focused on money and paying off debt, I really have no room to think of anything else. Money consumes my mind and is what keeps me constantly stressed. It definitely IS the root of all evil. I mean, if I could pay someone in things that I HAD, I wouldn't be in debt (I can pay in cat hair - that's really all I have enough of at the moment). But, money is a scarce commodity in this house. I don't even buy things for myself anymore. I live with what things I have, and I pay the bills for the necessities. Granted, internet probably isn't a necessity, although, it helps to have while you're looking for employment.

Bah. This subject is so broad, and I could drone on for hours about it, but I'm not gonna. Tomorrow's a new day, and just as with every one of my "tomorrows," I'm going to get up and start over and pretend that everything's going to be different. It never is, but it helps to tell myself that, in order to keep myself fooled into having a reason to wake up in the morning.

I have a few job leads (thank you to those of you who have kept an eye out for work for me), so I'm going to wake up tomorrow and start making phone calls. Unfortunately, my sleep is completely out of whack, and I'm totally the opposite of a morning person, but I'm going to do what I have to do. Because that's what I do.

For some reason, God deems it necessary to keep me here. To be honest, I pray for death so often now, it doesn't even concern me anymore. I don't feel as though I'm doing any good for anyone - just BEING here - so, what's the point in keeping it up? I haven't the slightest clue. Really. I'm so depressed, and I dream of an infinite, painless sleep. But, it hasn't happened. And, I still believe in God - always will. I don't know what His plan is, and I kinda don't care anymore. But, I'm going to keep going, because it's JUST WHAT I DO.

I exist, because I'm here. I will always be plagued with this horrible depression, but I'm learning to cope better. I don't know what I want out of life, because NOTHING makes me happy. I keep trying to find it in other people, but that hasn't worked out. In fact, I panic and back out of every relationship I've had in the past. I want nothing more but to go back to him and fall into his arms - it might not have been perfect, but at least I was happy. There was a time when WE were happy. I made a horrible mistake, but that's what happens when you judge people for something they're not. I miss him so much, it sets me on edge. And, no matter our differences, I loved him. Still do.

Damn.

Hey, I'm good at making mistakes - are there jobs for that? No. No, I didn't suppose there were. I'd never get that lucky.

I'm so thankful for the people I DO have in my life. I'm thankful that he was pushy enough, to the point that we ARE still friends - at least he's still in my life, albeit very little. There are things that I do appreciate in my life, but unfortunately, I can't focus on those things. Those things don't make me money - and that's where I fail, miserably. I shouldn't be so hellbent on making money, but much to my chagrin, that's what makes the world continue to exist. And, that's what pays my bills. They're right - you can't function on love, alone. Love doesn't pay the bills. I have no love, though, so it's not something I'm concerned with.

Friendship does keep you afloat when you're drowning, though. I miss my friends. I miss being social. I miss not feeling like shit every, single day of my life. I miss not dreading going to sleep and dreading waking up. I miss not biting peoples' heads off. I miss happy. I miss me.

But, I know me. This won't go away, until I get work. Until I have something where I can keep MYSELF alive, I won't achieve happiness of any kind. I'm just...here. I'm just quietly falling apart inside, and I'm trying really hard not to take anyone with me. At least I admit it. At least I admit that money and work and having my bills taken care of makes me happy (okay, that's more of a temporary happy). It's not even the money, itself - it's the prospect of NOT having those unpaid bills hanging over my head, and NOT having creditors call me 15 times a day.

I don't know that I'll ever NOT struggle in my life, but I sure as hell wouldn't mind a damn break. The lottery? Sure. Whatever. I'll take anything. I'm not picky. But, I've been working FOR YEARS to get back to zero, and I'm constantly being stifled. Hell, I've been working for years to get back to metaphorical zero, in my LIFE, but even that hasn't happened. It's that typical scenario - you save up all this money to get your brakes done or get new tires on your car, but something's constantly going wrong, to keep that money drained, so that eventually, one day, your brakes go out. But, it doesn't matter, because you don't have the money to get them fixed anyway. So, then, you drive with shoddy brakes, until you end up having an accident, which is always going to be more costly than what you were aiming for in the beginning. It's Murphy's Law - and everyone's had it.

I never had a slice of bread,

Particularly large and wide,

That did not fall upon the floor,

And always on the buttered side.

I feel you, bread.

Sister, Interrupted...

So, my sister found me.

Actually, she's my half-sister.

I don't really know what to make of it, except that last time we talked, she said some sorta hurtful things about my mom...which apparently HER mom had told her, about goings-on between my mom and dad.

When my dad died, his side of the family blamed my mom for his death...even though it was an industrial accident in a different state and she had nothing to do with it. But, I guess since he was working to support his "new" family (you should never move on - you should never make a new life for yourself), which included me and mom, and a baby can't be blamed for the fault of someone, that automatically passed on to my mom.

Obviously, no one will know exactly what passed between the two families, except for the people who were directly involved. I do know that they threatened to take me from her, because apparently since I was both my mom and my dad's child, they should have somehow gotten custody of me, instead of my blood parent. Go figure.

I know what my family has told me about them, and Brandy told me some of what was obviously told to her growing up, and I have to say, there's a reason I stuck with my family. My aunt Diane told me that one of the reasons Mom didn't want me to have contact with that side of the family is because she was afraid I would want to go be with them instead. I wish I'd known that. I could have let her know that she could have safely assured herself that I was going to stay with the people who had cared for and raised me.

That's what pissed me off about the things Brandy told me, the last time I talked to her (1997, I think? I was still in college). She was telling me things about MY mom that I knew she couldn't have known, only being very young herself at the time (she was nine when our dad died). People can say things and tell you things, but that doesn't make them true. And, even if they were true, I can promise you I would have stayed my ass right where it already was. I was happy with MY family. My mother was MY mother. She raised me, and she raised me well. SHE took care of me. SHE was the one who put me through school and kissed all my booboos and came to all my performances and cared for me every, single time I was sick...I wouldn't have had it any other way. As disastrous as my life has turned out, she was to blame for nothing but caring too much.

No, we didn't have the healthiest relationship - I was her whole world - but I consider myself to be an okay person, moderately smart, and definitely well-rounded. I don't trust anyone else would have CARED enough to raise me as well. I would have been a "half-child" to them, my dad's kid. And, I'm certain that no one would have loved me the way my mom did. No one else's mom would have taken the time to sit down with every, single principal, from elementary school to high school, and talk to each one about the threat of a possible "stray" family member coming to take me from school. A bit much, maybe, but she wasn't YOUR mom, and it wasn't YOUR life. YOU weren't the one who was threatened by people she thought she could trust.

Hence the reason there was no contact.

I have no desire to be a part of that family, even now. Could be harsh judgement on my part, but I'm an adult. I can make my own decisions. And, *I'M* the one who saw her cry every time she missed my dad. He's one of the many reasons she never got remarried. She loved him enough, and once she had me, she didn't feel as though she needed anyone else in her life like that. She'd told me many times that she never remarried, because she was always afraid someone would try to hurt me. Not that all step-families are abusive. But, she did what she did to protect me.

My mom didn't always make the right or best decisions, but she did what she thought would be in our best interest as a family. And, I'm okay with that. It was me and her against the world most of the time.

And, I'd give anything in my life to have her back right now.

So, anyway, Brandy didn't know Mom had died. She asked why I didn't have any pictures of her on my page, so I had to tell her. It was a pretty dreary letter, and I cried. Things are pretty bleak in my life right now. I don't feel good. My depression has a pretty good foothold. I had a really crappy interview, and I'm not sure I got the job. I'm all out of money, and I can't even muster the strength to care enough, to get out of bed and take a fucking shower.

I just don't care. About anything.

And, it's getting worse.

It's cold as shit here, and that's not helping things, not being able to be outside or feel less than crippled all the time. I'm sure a lot of this is coming from being lazy and unemployed. Or unemployed and lazy. Whatever it is, things have got to pick up/turn around soon. If they don't...well, I don't know. I'm not going to kill myself. I'm way too lazy to think up how I'd go about doing that. But, I *DO* have the desire to just lay here and die. I'd like it to be a speedy death, though, because I really am tired of the nothingness that is my life. I'd like to get out and do things, but I can't do a thing, because I'm COMPLETELY out of money. Unemployment screwed me over Christmas, so I'm behind a week of payment, which has thrown ALL my finances out of whack. A friend "gave" me $100 for Christmas, but that was just enough to keep me afloat.

2009 was a horrible year, but just because it's a new year, doesn't mean anything's going to get better. I've lost all my positivity, and I look forward to nothing but death. I'm trying really hard to "get over" this depression, as some of you have suggested to me, but it's kinda hard. It's actually harder than it looks. I'd kill someone for the Zoloft powder under their fingernails...and I don't even take Zoloft...and I wouldn't even kill anyone. I've never been homicidal, and I don't think I could start now. I'm too fucking tired.

Well, this was supposed to be a post about the Braxton side of things, but as usual, I got off on a tangent. I think Trevin and I are going to bundle up really warm and take Jack down to the dog park. I need to get outside, as much as I LOATHE the cold.

As always, I appreciate your comments and love. It's the only thing that gets me through, these days. I don't cry much now, because I'm drained of all emotion - even love. I'm a real sad sack of shit right now. But, I keep going, for whatever it's worth. I suppose it will pay off eventually. Or not. I don't know anymore, and I'm rapidly losing whatever faith I have left. But, as always, I love you guys. Sorry I haven't been on lately, but if I had, this depressive shit is all it would consist of. It's pretty gross. &=(

Hope everyone else's years are starting out better and will continue to improve as time progresses. I appreciate all your thoughts and/or prayers. God knows I need them.

*hugs*

Hurting hurts

I hate the ends of things. I hate demise. I hate breaking up. I hate hurting people. I hate it. It makes me hate myself. And, I should. And, I do.

He's not a bad guy. And, he was trying. I just lost my connection. Or, was there ever one?

I don't know, but GOD, I HATE HURTING PEOPLE.

I feel like throw up. Like, the actual emesis, not the action. Okay, well, I feel like throwing up, too. A lot.

I know everyone always says life isn't easy, but why not? Why the hell can't we have some easy? When feelings get involved, you're just embroiled in a bitter battle to see who can come out on top. Not me. I don't ever want to come out on top of someone else's feelings. But, I just parked my car on his.

Babe, I'm so sorry. I really think it's best that you get out now, while you still can. I care about you enough to do this for you.

I need to get better - I need to BE better. I have no inspiration. I'm sitting in the bed, as I type this, which is where I've been for the past three months.

I have a job, now. It's part-time. I work with Jack's trainer, Ralph, but I'm basically just a kennel worker, so it's really hard work. The bright side is, I HAVE A JOB. I WON'T be sitting at home for three out of the seven days of the week. And, I get paid for hanging around dogs and letting them get poop and urine and slobber on me. I'm okay with that. I got an email from St. Vincent's yesterday, saying the position I had applied for had been filled. Not that I expected anything more. Although I plan on keeping up my registry, I have a feeling I'm done with medicine. What's in store for me, for the future? I haven't a clue.

Right now, I'm not feeling any love from the universe, but that's understandable.

FUCK. The thing is, I DO care about Cris! I DO. But, there's a piece missing, or there's a wedge between us, and I'm SO NOT HAPPY. I wish I could fix it. I really do. I care about him so much. I just want to take care of everyone. I wish everyone could just hug and cuddle and be happy, for no reason other than the fact that love exists, and we're capable of giving as well as receiving.

God, I feel shitty. We had a really rough Thanksgiving week, and I'm pretty sure that's what sealed the deal for me. Last week was okay, but I felt like I was just being completely rejecting of who he really is, since he only wants to express emotion on stage. I'm done with trying to fucking change people. I just want to find someone whom I can accept and help build up.

Basically, what this shit all boils down to is:

It's not you, it's me.

And, it really is.

I hate being me, more than I could ever possibly express to anyone on this earth. If it didn't feel like I was living with insides made out of scrambled eggs (brain, included), it might be easier. But, I'm so fucking conflicted with every decision I make, there's nothing I can hold tight to. Hell, I can't even choose cold medicine with ANY confidence.

Mom, why did you have to raise me like this, then leave? You know how much this sucks? Thanks for at least giving me our family to fall back on and sending friends who are real friends. If it wasn't for certain people in my life, I have no idea where I'd be. Throw a dart at a map of life - that's where I'd be. Anyway, I'm totally mad at you right now, for not raising me to be a proper adult. But, just so you know, if you were here, I'd totally have moved home and be living there now. So, maybe it's for the best. But, thanks for loving me unconditionally (although, sometimes it seems like I was pushing those "unconditions," huh? Sorry about that...). I miss you. I'm sure I wouldn't take your advice, since I'm your daughter, but I could totally wear you out in the hug department. Send some hugs my way, eh? I'm having a bad day.

And, so goes my life. On. For whatever reason. I know, TECHNICALLY, we're supposed to be patient, to whatever plans God is going to reveal to us. But, I'm getting antsy. I can't continue to live my life with a throat full of acid. I miss those super-boring days I'd come home from work to - ugh - the attic, and I'd have NOTHING to do and NO ONE to impress, and I'd just pass out, or watch tv, or surf. It was just me and the girls. At least I wasn't hurting anyone. (Well, except for that time Jammy found and ate one of my klonopins. Yeah, talk about feeling like a JERK.)

Cris, I'm sorry. This is lame and cliché, but I do care about you, and I do hope we can be friends. I'm still your biggest fan, and I think you're a wonderful person. You're just meant for someone else, and not for me. I wish you were. You're a really great person. You're fun and caring and active and adventurous and beautiful...I could go on. I hope one day you can forgive me. But, right now, I need to work on me. And, I don't have the resources. Soon, though...

You still mean the world to me. Thank you for being here for me. You've helped me so much, and I will forever be thankful that I met you. I am unconditionally your friend.

I'm going to lay down. My head is killing me from thinking and crying and throwing up and all that nonsense.

I hope everyone is well. And, I hope to be posting more and better soon. I can feel change coming in my life - I'm just not sure what it is. Thanks for being there. Thanks for reading. Thanks for thoughts and prayers, be you atheistic or Christian (and everything in between). I love all my friends, no matter who you are. You guys are awesome and incredible. I'd have nothing without you. ♥

Welcome to Anhedonia - population: me

How do you know when you're drawing the lines between what you want and what you need? How do you know which line is which? How do you know that you're making the right decision? How do you know when you're deciding things for yourself, and when you're making decisions based on what other people will think of you? What if that decision isn't right? What if this one isn't? How long do you force yourself to stay in a position in which you're not completely comfortable, before you decide to make things change? How long do you push yourself to pretend that everything is okay? How long do you lead people on? How long do you lie? Are you lying? Because you're not happy. Okay, you're not unhappy, but you're content. Life is adequate. Things are okay. But, they're nothing more. What happens when you hit that brick wall?

My life has been full of lots of brick walls as of late. I seem to hit them head-on and without slowing down. I usually wake up with metaphorically blood-soaked clothes, dried up blood caked to my face and wondering how the hell I got where I am. I can't seem to remember making the decisions that led me to being here.

There is no fire that burns within me right now, and it's scaring the shit out of me. I know it's my depression, but that doesn't help. Will it be like this forever? Is this to be a constant struggle throughout the rest of my life? What if I never find my place?

I spent Sunday with my aunt and my cousin, at a Beth-Hallel women's retreat, at Aldridge Gardens. It forced me to come face-to-face with all the things I've been fearing and questioning, but I still have no answers. I know God is there - I just can't hear Him. I don't know what He's wanting me to do. I'm trying so hard to let go of the things in my life that have caused me to stumble and fall, but they hold on so tightly. Constantly, I find myself waking in the middle of the night, or failing to fall asleep, because of these things that torture me. My inspiration has changed - it's almost as if there is none. My words have changed - they no longer make sense. Once upon a time, I could write an eloquent paragraph, that expressed my deepest emotions. Now, I can write for hours on end, and when I get done, I delete the whole thing, because it makes no sense. I go around and around, and end up back at the beginning. My writing used to be my therapy. Now, I want to set fire to everything, because it's so simple and stupid.

I'm in this life, and I don't know what to do with it. I know God is there, but I don't know what He wants from me. I'm in love with someone, but what if it's the wrong person? Where is the rest of my life going? I thought I could do this, but I don't know that I can. I'm constantly hovering at the edge of my hole - sometimes I'm in the hole, and I can't see my hand in front my face. Sometimes there's light, but there's just no way out. Sometimes I'm standing at the very edge, peering down into the darkness. But, the hole is always there, taunting me, beckoning at me to just jump.

There are all these decisions that I need to make. What do I do with the rest of my life? What happens if I make the wrong decision? Is there really a wrong decision? Don't all choices just have consequences?

I mean, this is the rest of my life I'm being faced with. I no longer have anyone to hold my hand. This is all me. I don't really even talk to anyone about what I'm going through, because I can't even make sense of it. I feel more lost than I've ever been in all my life. I used to have goals and drive, but now, it's like there's nothing in front of me. I'm just walking through a fog, opening whatever door I come to next. There's no map, no GPS - just aimless meandering. I hate not having purpose. I feel so alone and so unsure. I don't trust ANY decision I make. I don't trust myself. Hell, I don't even like myself! And, I'm just supposed to go along with what this person decides? Right. Like THAT'S going to go over well. It's like I'm dwelling in a stranger's body, and another stranger is making all of my decisions. I'm just along for the ride. But, it's not a good ride.

There have been so many wonderful people who have influenced my life. But, I've made so many horrible choices for myself. I'm so thankful for the friends and family I have. Without them, I think my life would be a whole lot worse than it feels like it is now. And, my life isn't BAD, per se. It's my mind that's making it bad. In the place of where my heart should be, that huge sucking darkness is back. It eats my happiness. It's eating me. It makes my functioning awkward. My conversations are awkward. My feelings are alien. I feel like I'm working someone else's body, but I'm doing a really bad job. I'm in a constant foggy state of confusion. People say things, but when I say things back to them, it's like hearing someone else talk. Or I just stand there, lost.

No one understands me, but I don't expect anyone to. *I* don't understand me. I've even tried to read over things I write (which if you know me, you know I NEVER read anything I write), and I wonder, "I wrote this? Why? What the hell was I talking about?"

I'm so frustrated with myself. I can't understand any of the thoughts or feelings I'm having. I can no longer analyze anything that I go through, because I won't understand it anyway. I'm in this life that I don't know anything about. Sometimes I just stand in the middle of my apartment and think "who lives here?"

I know that I can feel. I know I can love. I know there are things that I want. I just don't know how to get to them. I reach my hand out to grab something, but I quickly lose interest. I want to love someone, but I'm so afraid to involve someone in my life, because I don't want them to get hurt. I don't need to trust in someone else to MAKE me happy, because people will always disappoint you. I'm always afraid of picking the wrong person. I'm always afraid of hurting someone. I know that what happened in my before time will never happen again - I'll never cheat on anyone. But, there are so many other things that COULD happen. I can't live my life in fear, though. What a meaningless life. A fearful life? I can't live like that.

As much as I try to push it away, I know I need the medicine. I've tried so hard to make this just be something I can overcome...but I can't. I'm just lying to myself. I still can't get past the fact that needing medicine seeming like such a weakness to me. Why am I so weak? How did I get this way? Was I always going to be this way? Why do my feelings have such dominance in my life? Is there any way I can use that to my advantage? I thought I was, but it always seems to fail me or cheat me out of happiness in some way. Or is just resultant of the decisions I make?

I wake up every morning, wondering who the hell is driving this bus. I have no idea what I want out of my life anymore. I used to want to help people. Now, I just want someone to help me. I don't WANT help, but I want to feel better. I want to be okay with myself. I want this self-hatred and self-loathing to go away. I want to destroy the confusion. How in the hell does the medicine stifle all this? It seems so vast, like I've just been dropped in the middle of the ocean, and I have to DECIDE which way to go. There are no birds to lead me in a direction, there is no wind to help me along. I'm a tiny satellite adrift in the middle of the universe and all I know is I have to get somewhere - I'm just not sure where.

I've been thinking a lot about my future, and I realize now that just having a degree of some kind is no good. You have to have at least a bachelor's degree to be of any use to anyone. I wish someone would have told me that, when I was in school to get my associate's. Used to, a degree was appropriate. Well, they keep changing the rules, and it's always after I've done what I thought I had to do. My life used to be about what I wanted, what I had to do that would make me happy. Now, it's just about fulfilling the minimal requirements. But, even those aren't good enough. They have to be the RIGHT minimal requirements.

It scares the shit out of me to think about going back to school in this state. Everything is so half-assed to me right now. I'm afraid with the way I feel now, there's no way I can make it. I'm afraid I won't even get part of the way in, and I'll just fizzle out completely. That's how it's been with everything lately. This anhedonic feeling rules my life. I watch tv and sleep all the time now, because I can't stand to hear my own thoughts. They just don't make any sense!

My dishes sit unwashed, my recycling sits unsorted, my laundry sits undone, my dog sits unbathed, my cats sit unplayed with, my house sits uncleaned - THIS is not me. Once upon a time, I had drive. I had vision. I had feelings. I had love. I had desires. I had meaning.

Now, I just am. I'm another version of me - a dead one, a shell. I used to love to laugh, to play, to hug, to love - now, all I feel like doing is sitting and staring. Not even at tv. Just into the air. I thought I was stronger than this, but in reality, I'm not. There's really not even any fear. It's like I'm just existing. I'm just here until I'm gone. But, this can't be all there is to it. Open-ended nothingness. My mind is just a vacant space, waiting for a spark of something - inspiration, insanity, anything.

I'm so lost. I can't even hear anyone anymore. I can see people talking, but I don't even know what they're saying, even when they're talking TO me. They're saying things, and I know most of the time, they even mean well. But, I just don't understand what they're saying. Language makes no sense to me anymore. I don't know that there's anything I understand. I thought I understood myself, but I don't.

I'm sorry, self, that I can't take better care of you right now. I want to have some sort of something to look forward to, but I don't. I'm so detached. I feel like someone could take out my brain and my heart, and I'd be the exact same as I am right now, that it wouldn't even make a difference. Obviously, I have feelings, or I wouldn't cry as much as I do. But, even right now, I don't feel anything, except a swell in my chest. I don't even know what it is, but it constantly takes my breath away. I react how you're supposed to react to different things, but there's nothing behind it.

I just want to wake up one day and say, "Hey, I want to do this," or "I'd like to accomplish this." But, every morning, I just wake up. The most of any feeling I've had is needing to go to the bathroom. That's just sad. My bladder gets more feeling than my mind or my heart.

I think I'm in love with someone. I assume it's love, because I don't want to be without him (even though I am). He loves me, too, but I don't know what to do about it. I don't feel like I can make an appropriate decision, with the state I'm currently in. Every decision I've made has been like a reaction. There's been no thought behind anything I've done. I'm trying to find a job, just because that's what you do, when you don't have a job. I don't even care what kind of job I get. Just so long as I don't have to spend this time inside my own dead mind, I'll be content. And, I'll talk to people, because it's what you do, when you're around them. And, we'll make conversation, because it's what people do, when they talk. And, I'll laugh at funny things they say, because it's what you do, when people say funny things.

But, what does it all mean? Where is my life going now? Who even cares?

And, how can I ever be with someone, if I know this is what they're going to get? It's like handing someone a gift-wrapped box that turns out to be completely empty. Or, not even empty, but with a surprise black hole inside. How unfair is that?

I used to be a person, just like you. I used to have emotions and feelings, and I used to laugh and cry and have opinions. Now, I'm just here, waiting to be reprogrammed. And, I don't even have an opinion on who I'd like to be. Well, I'd LIKE to be myself again, but I don't even know who that's supposed to be. I used to be an okay person. I used to be fun-loving and full of smiles and hugs - now, I'm just awkward, strange and empty.

Welcome to Anhedonia. It's not a nice place to visit, and you definitely don't want to live here. You'll get very lost all the time. There are no maps. There are no roads. There's nothing to look at. You're not even wandering through beautiful woods. You're just here. You never know which way to turn or which way you're walking. You can ask someone directions, but they don't know where you are or where you're going, either. If you ask a question, the only response you'll ever get is "I don't know," and people shrug their shoulders a lot. There's a lot of aimless pointing and quizzical stares. No one thinks you're weird here - they just don't think at all.

I don't know how I got here, but I'm really ready to leave.