Unsuccessful?

It's been absolute madness around the office as of late. Ever since we turned in our "shit list," he's taken everything that we've complained about and made it at least 10 times worse. Vickie walked out today and quit, but not before calling him "a psycho and a sexual harasser," but I can assure you, he deserved it. She's pretty uptight, herself, but we all know he's crazy. In fact, I wouldn't even wager a guess on the number of people who know he's crazy, because I'm sure I would guess WAY under.

Just burning bridges all along the way.

We've dubbed Joseph as Mr. Christian, from Mutiny on the Bounty. And, am I ever ready. I've never wanted to see someone suffer so badly...well, not at least since I worked at Children's. It frustrates the hell out of me that he can take something so fucking great and turn it into something so tremendously awful. If Joseph can just find us the funding, we have all the people we have to run a stable and completely morally upstanding company. I'm really excited, if we can make it work. If not, I have other options. I'm going to try to hang around as long as I possibly can, but for me to only have been there for a month or so, and I've already acquired a bleeding ulcer, it ain't lookin' so hot.

&=\

He doesn't deserve to win, though. He deserves NOTHING, except the same horrific suffering he's put us all through. He's a fucking ridiculous human being. I've definitely never met anyone like him and never hope to again. He begs us to tell us what things are wrong within the company, but when we do, it's always either the backlash or his sudden psychotic mood change that's nearly unbearable.

I could go on and on and on about this asshole. There's NOTHING good about him, except that he's old enough to almost be dead. Jesus Christ, I hate saying that about someone, but he's a terrible person.

As for socially, I've had to tone it down some. Not partying as much, mainly because I can't afford it, but also because I can't handle it mentally. I'm a homebody. I love partying with my ZKC, but work's really stressed me out to the point that I can't enjoy anything else. And, money has me stressed beyond belief. It gets really fucking old. I wish someone would pay my bills up to this minute and just let me start the fuck over. OF COURSE, I leave tonight, to run to the gas station, to get a cup of gas station ice (I was craving it), and I get pulled over for rolling through a stop sign - most expensive ice I've ever bought. &=\ I really hate cops.

So, yes. Smoking and drinking was my life for the last couple of months. I've toned it down, and since I got tapped for roller derby, I've been trying to eat better and do better. It's hard, though. I miss my sugar, that's for sure.

And, love-wise...well, that's another post. &=P

Anyway, I'm wide-fucking-awake and watching Futurama with Mark. I just want to SLEEEEEEP...and I want my shoulder and neck to stop hurting. Other than that, I'm stressed at hell, but still loving my job and the people I work with. I just hate my boss.

*groan*

At this point, I can only keep pushing. I keep having that thing where I'm not sure I'm making the right decisions for my life. Yes, I went for love over money, but it's not working out, AND I'm barely making ends meet.

I also can't find anyone with whom I'm happy, but I really think that's just because I haven't found the right person. I've had it twice, and I threw it away both times. Other than that, I just kinda want to be by myself. I want to be okay with me. I just want to hang out with my friends when I want to. And, I want to get my freaking apartment cleaned up. And, my bills paid. Yeah, I have a lot of demands. I don't know that I'll ever be happy. It's always very fleeting.

What am I doing? I don't know. I've definitely lost my penchant for writing. This whole thing sounds totally stupid. I'm becoming stupid. I need to get back into better habits, but I don't know how. Anyone know any successful hypnotists? I'm ready to send my life into a moderately happy direction. Success, I've come to the realization, is based on individual belief. I don't think I'm quite there, yet. I guess that's why my most prominent chakra is my sacral chakra. I'm so far away from the crown, it's ridiculous. &=P

Okay, just chatting. Dave fixed my computer, so I have it back...temporarily. It keeps overheating, but at least I have a computer. I can't pay my internet bill (or any of my other bills), so I can only get on internet, when I can pick up a stray connection. Success for me would definitely be me paying my fucking bills - that would totally help.

Time for bed...or ice cream...or serenity. We'll see which one motivates me the most.

God, this is sucky. I really should be doing something...........

Let me out here, please

Haven't posted in a while. Nothing new.

New stress, though. New job. New guy. New friendships. New things here and there.

Computer's dead, so I have to get a new one. That's not (EVER) going to happen on my salary, though.

Not really sure what I'm doing with my life, at this point. I'm not even sure of what I WANT to do. I was ready to throw myself into this new job - liking it, even.

After today, it's just another fucking job, with another fucking asshole of a boss. How anyone can be that totally blind and oblivious to how you treat others and make them feel escapes me entirely. ENTIRELY. On no level do I connect with this guy. He thinks we do, but he thinks that about everyone. Actually, he WANTS to think that. He WANTS people to like him and trust him...but they don't. There's a reason we've had a turnover of almost 25 people in less than five months. And, he's it.


I'd like to be entirely retroactive and tell you everything that's been going on, but I have a feeling that will come in time. Right now, I'm drinking too much, smoking too much, abusing myself too much, stressing too much, and it doesn't look like there's ANYTHING good on the horizon. At one point, everything was GREAT. Now, it's back to shit.

I'm sorry - I just can't believe we, the employees, are actually fighting King Asshole, the creator, to push this business to work. It's like he's intentionally sabotaging himself. But, he wants it this way. All he cares about is being A MAN, being misogynistic and being a God-damn control freak. I thought my last boss was bad, but he actually had rules in which he had to contain his misogyny. This time, it IS this guy's business, so he has lots of pull this time around.

We have one more "ace in the hole," and if this doesn't work, I'm out of there.
FUCK. THAT. NOISE.

Have to run. I'll update more soon, if not this evening.

Miss you guys. &=(

They have a card for everything.

Lola.

I saw this on my AnnaB's Tumbler, and I totally stole it. (I love you, my AnnaB!)

You all know how MUCH I hate some drunk bitches. I say it EVERY TIME there's a drunk bitch within a 50-mile radius: "I hate drunk bitches."

Well, now there's a card:

I should probably just print a bunch of these out and start handing them out like business cards.

Not to say that I won't get a few myself. But, I just can't stand a person who doesn't have a drunk-wrangler. I ALWAYS have one.

It's the person (or persons) who wipes you off when you've fallen in an ant bed (Heather) or holds on to your purple panties as you're barfing out the car window, while riding down the interstate (Kristin).

I've had a LOT of not-so-proud moments, and sometimes I don't always FEEL like acting like an adult. But, those really horrific days are so far behind me...and for once, I'm okay with being a grown-up.

Please, people. Control your drunk bitches.

To the one who has my heart:

I miss you, and I love you.

I really want to tell you that.

I just wish you believed me.

I forgot how to stop loving...

Love, love, love, love him.

Don't know how long it's going to take me to work myself free from THIS shadow.

It really is a pain, when things don't work out between you and someone else, but your heart just refuses to accept the message. With Aaron, my heart stayed in denial for years. How long is it going to be this time?

If he just wants to see how far I'll go to prove myself, I'm all over that. But, you can usually tell when that's no longer cute and just becomes annoying. I wish it was the former, but I'm sure it's the latter, which is why I'm afraid to even try.

I understand that people just stop feeling things for other people sometimes. I don't know WHY it happens, but I know it's happened to me.

My problem is, I love this mother-fucker SO MUCH, that I feel like I'm frozen in my tracks. It's like everything can fall down all around me, but I can't afford to put my attention on anyone but him. I think I'm not even able to converse normally with others, because he's always at the forefront of my mind. At least *I* don't feel as though I'm acting socially normal. I feel like I'm constantly dwelling in a haze of him - which, no matter how it sounds, it's actually quite pleasant. It's been nice to reminisce back on times when things were good. I don't think they were ever properly healthy, but I do remember them being good.

And, he's worried because he said we DID try. Well, HE tried anyway. I was just kind of along for the ride, at the time. And, for whatever reason, I felt like he was a hindrance in my walk with God...and that was never the case (see lyrics to "She Left Me for Jesus" by Hayes Carll). I hate that I even felt like that was an acceptable reason to bail on him. I was afraid of the same shit that I'm always afraid of - I'm afraid of being the one who gets left. And, I have to get over that.

That's going to be HUGE for me, to finally clear that hurdle.

I'm okay, right now, being alone. I'm just bored, and I'm straight with being bored. I have people with whom I can safely hang out, not just a bunch of chodes who are going to try to take advantage of me. I like that. I'm okay where I am.

I'd just like to have him back in my life. Because I remember what it was like to be happy with him. Yes, when I was going through the divorce, I felt incredibly guilty about the happiness I was experiencing, like I was still cheating on Aaron. But, I'm finally OVER that! I can have my own happiness and make my own memories, without thoughts of him always interrupting everything! Do you know how excited that makes me??????? Ha! No, you don't, and that's okay.

Heather always thought it was funny that I'm a self-proclaimed romantic, since she's never seen it. I LOVE that kind of goofy stuff - leaving love notes, acting corny (and moderately nauseating), etc. One of my favorite things in the universe is being in love. I'm just finally able to do it guilt-free! &=D I know that sounds like a total cop-out, but I swear it's not. Trust me - if anyone in this free world is trying to get down to the root of my various problems, I can assure you I'm leading the expedition. Things have really calmed down for me, and although I'm not my biggest fan of the new and improved "calmer" version of me, at least I'm able to see things in a different light. I actually feel wiser, which is totally frightening, since I still picture myself as that retarded kid they're handing a diploma to and kicking out of high school, saying "welcome to the rest of your life! Now, LIVE!" Haha, that's STILL one of the scariest moments of my life. If my mom wouldn't have been there at that moment, I don't know what would have happened to me. (Thanks, Mom. You totally kept me from passing out that day, on more than one occasion.)

Ahhhh, I know. I talk things to death - things that won't change. But, it helps me understand...well, sometimes. And, it helps me work through things - always has.

I love him. And, I'm stuck. I wouldn't mind being stuck so much, if I knew there was something to it. But, if this is just another fruitless endeavor, to prove something to someone who cares nothing for me, then I'm ready to move on. And, it will be another X-amount of years before I'm over this one.

I wish he and I would have met when we were young. There was a point when we were growing together, and I miss that. I miss being "young" with him. I miss him.

I wish he missed me, too.

Undone

I have these words that want to come out. All these words......

I feel like I have a giant mental brick wall, holding something back...like a dam...maybe all the words I want to say.

Right now, I can stare someone right in the face and have no thoughts and no emotions running through my head. You could probably look in my eyes and see clear through to the back of my skull.

In my head, it's all deafening sound, but it's completely quiet. My shapes and colors and trains of emotions and raw feelings and heaving chest ready to burst with tears are silent, absent.

This is not a state to which I am accustomed.

Oh.

I know what it is.

I've figured it out.

There are things I need to say to him, things I want to tell him, things I want to experience with him...

but I'm too scared.

I'm terrified to let myself think any farther than this moment, because if I do, I'm just going to end up being let down and getting hurt. I don't want to trick myself into making there be something there, if there isn't. All this faux-thought is how I get through. Pretending helps me make it through the day. But, it's completely unrealistic. Especially, when you're only HOPING someone feels the same way you do.

I could understand if he was nervous...you know, about getting back into the same THING we had before. It's hard to move past the primary point of innocence, when you first meet and you're still so unspoiled in your beloved's eyes. Our relationship wasn't initially based on friendship, but he came to be one of the people I trust most in this world. I know he would never INTENTIONALLY hurt me. But, you don't always equate "intention" with "translation."

He called me. Which is why I'm writing again. He never calls me. It's always in texts. I'm fine with texts, but it's just incredibly distant and impersonal. It's what you do when you're too embarrassed to talk to someone or you just want to tell them one thing.

He never calls me. Why now?

Should I ask?

Well, it's my situation, so I guess I can kinda do whatever the hell I want. (sweet.)

I miss him so much, it makes me sick to my stomach. I have daydreams of the way things would be, and I allow myself to get caught up in them, but only momentarily. Usually, I shake myself back into reality. I even dream of how things were, how happy I was. And, I was happy. The divorce was just hard on me. It really was. I felt like losing Mom and Aaron was causing me to lose my identity. I missed who I was. Sometimes I still do.

But, I'm different now. Things are different. SO much different. And, I'm different...but I'm better. I don't know that I'll ever be "over" depression, but I know that I'm over some drama in my life. I'm over pretending. I'm over trying to control things. I'm over trying to change people. I can do what I want to do, but in the end, things will always turn out how they were supposed to.

I wish I could just sit face-to-face to him and say things, all the things I need to say....and, know he's hearing me. One time, he wrote that something about me owns him. As sick as it sounds, what I wouldn't give for that to still be true. Seems things have changed. He's now the owner, and I'm the poor, pitiful puppy, who wants nothing more than to be loved, whole-heartedly.

Yes, I'm still trying to escape this, although I like to reach out and grab for the tender edge of that dream when I have a free hand and tug on it, when he's paying me attention. It's another reason I've decided to start getting out more and doing more things, meeting more people. Healing isn't a rapid process - ever. The circus protest this year was awesome, and I met a lot of great people. I just want friends. I just need friends.

What am I saying? I don't know what I need. I need a valium, is what I need. I need to stop obsessing over this (nice, that's only the second time I've used that term tonight = not good).

I know you don't read this, but I have so much I want to say to you. I don't know what it is, yet, but it's there. You know how I feel...I, once, left it on a slip of paper, on your computer desk. I'm sorry that I love you so much, but I do. I wish I could put all these weird, awkward, frightening, "OBSESSIVE," overpowering emotions aside and just be your friend, with no strings attached. But, I just don't think I can do that. I don't think that it's within my power to make that happen. I'VE TRIED to just not have feelings for you. I really, honestly have. But, I always come back to you. And, I don't mean in a way that deems you "my safety." I mean that you make me fucking happy. You make me happy and warm and fuzzy, and you make me have those damned hearts all over my head. I wish I could just sit and talk to you for hours on end. I want to fall asleep talking, about nothing and everything. I want to live the life we had, but without you having to live in that horrible shadow I was dragging around with me. I'm finally free of that. And, I want you to know I'm free. I FEEL free. I will always mourn for things and people I lost, the life I loved, but there's no point in living in the past. I'm ready to make beautiful new memories, with the man I love now. I'm ready to live a fucking real life again. I'm just no fucking good without you. You MAKE me a better person, just by being who you are...and I love you for exactly that. I'm so proud of who you are, and although we'll never agree on completely everything, you're the most wonderful human being I've ever met.

Just to show it's not all flowers and fairy dust, if you ever start dating someone who's not me, I will hate you, albeit momentarily (her, forever), and if you get married, no, I will NOT come to your wedding. Ever. So, don't pretend we're that great of friends, because we're not. I love you, but I love you with me. That's pretty much what it boils down to.

HA! Sorry. I just had to get that out. We had that whole weirdo "recent-ex comes to the door for four hundred hours, all upset and crying, while super-ex is hanging out inside, no this isn't awkward at all, so he comes back in and I'm on the floor, on all fours, having a fucking panic attack and screeching 'I CAN'T DO THIS!!! I CAN'T SEE YOU WITH OTHER PEOPLE!!!' " scene, and it went swimmingly (she says drolly, eyes rolling back). Actually, it went exactly like that, and it was horrific. I contemplated climbing out the window, but I was actually a little worried of how that would be taken. And, I was weathering it out, if there was any possible chance of us salvaging anything. Climbing out the window would have just been...well, something *I* totally would have done. Plus, I think that requires a bit of grace (which I do not possess), and I might have fallen and hurt myself, so that would have sucked to have limped around to him and the then-crying ex and explain what happened.

God, the rest of the evening was terrible enough. Not because of him, because he's always been good to me and calm with me and collected and thoughtful and kind. But, just because I couldn't get the image of them hugging out of my mind.

YES, I LOOKED THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE - DON'T EVEN ACT LIKE YOU WOULDN'T HAVE...rotten stone-throwers.

*URP*

So, I guess the visual just made me nauseated to the point that in my mind's eye, they were making out on the front stoop, talking about getting back together, what to name their kids and what to do with that weirdo who was sitting inside, while I sat inside by myself watching fucking tv. Fuck THAT altogether.

&=)

Let's just say, if I'm ever forced to jump around in time ("hoping each time that her next leap will be the leap home!"), that won't be a day I'll be revisiting. Well, that and that horrible NON-kiss, but we won't talk about that. *shudder* Ohhhh, the days of my life to redo could fill the Bible, no lie. But, you know, if it all ends up leading to something good (no, I won't put the responsibility of that on his shoulders), then hell - it'll be worth it.

Bring on some good days. I'm hella-tired from fighting this current. I'm ready to just lay down and let it take me out to sea. I'll never lay down and claim defeat - although I've been ready to, many, many times in the past. But, I want to just coast for a while, see what's out there...see if there's anything (anyone?) waiting on me.

Peeyew - God, I smell fart all of a sudden, which is weird, 'cause I'm the only one in here, and I didn't do it. &=( Well, that's a pretty good segues to end this post, right? The smell of fart, and the fact that I'm super-hungry for cereal. I'll be glad when I have some moneys, so I can get that name brand cereal I've been dreaming about! &=D

Yeah, I'm sleepy. It's been a rough day. But, I'm gloriously tired and somewhat content right now. Just missing...him.

C'est la vie - here's hoping........

Can't you hear what I'm NOT saying?

*groan*

*GROAN*

He doesn't REMOTELY feel the same way I do.

How am I supposed to get over this? How the HELL do you STOP being in love with someone?

This "friend" bullshit is going to kill me - I swear it.

I could go right back into a life with him, but I know he just doesn't see it that way. He doesn't FEEL that way about me. So, why are we still putting on this friend charade? WHY, DAMMIT???? He KNOWS how I feel! Is it just to keep me hanging? &=(

I'm no good at things left unsaid. That's totally not me. I'm all about laying all my fucking cards out on the table, then going from there.

I just can't understand why he so badly wants to be friends. It would be different if we were building towards something...but I just don't think that's it. I'm deathly afraid of being used - but I will let it happen. I don't guess that conveys much love - maybe more along the lines of obsession.

Okay, well shit. That's totally creepy.

Fuck. I'm just going to stand here and get used, until I'm all used up. I'm not breaking another mother-fucker's heart. Fuck that. I'm not into the fuck-buddy thing. Maybe once upon a time. But, it hurts me.

And, this is going to hurt me.

But, I'll do it.

Because, I'm desperately in love with him, and I have no other way to tell him.

Aishiteru.

...I miss you...

Finally, an upswing.

I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry. Just had to start with my most important information.

I FINALLY got a FREAKING JOB!!!! I swear, I didn't see this coming. And, to be the tiniest bit honest (and a tad vague), I'm super-nervous. It's not a job that I'd particularly choose for myself, but I just need A JOB. And, as long as they'll take care of me, I'm good.

Uh, okay. I'm nervous about the state of my body. I'm worried I'm not going to be able to carry the trays, and I'll drop things. I've already been having a HELL of a time with my left shoulder. Lately, I've been having bilateral tennis elbow (worse in the left). How am I supposed to shoulder all this stuff? Not that pushing the C-arm was ever any better, but at least I wasn't carrying things. I don't know - I guess I'm just a little intimidated. Not even by the people - just the things I have the memorize and know, and I think the brown-nosery bothers me slightly. Although I'm REALLY, REALLY good at kissing ass, I don't LIKE it. I don't expect anyone to kiss my ass.

*Sorry, I'm having to make myself a note that my left ear is ringing. This is the only way I'm going to be able to understand that Ménière's thing I have, is to record all my symptoms and spells when they happen. I actually had a real dizzy episode about two days ago. I didn't have a full attack - just the dizziness and tinnitus. Anyway, back to more important things...

I went in today at 10, filled out paperwork, then they had us start shadowing people. It's pretty crazy, if you've never worked in the restaurant business. And, I don't care to smell that smell all day. At least a hospital always had that weird, clean, sterile smell. Fish makes me nauseous. But, they let me leave about 1, I went to visit with Heather, then I came back in at 4 and stayed till 730. My feet were killing me! Lots of standing - yuck. Lots of action - yay.

Also, my personal life is about to drastically change. Trevin's moving out (just as soon as either one of us gets money to send him back to Austin). I told him that it's just not working out, but I wanted to still be friends. He's been very understanding - I mean, we wouldn't have known unless we tried. I'm just not happy...same as I've ever been with anyone (other than the only two who meant anything). But, my mind keeps reverting back to the one. It's so hard...to be quiet and discerning. It's hard to look in from the outside and miss what you just gave away with both hands. It's not hard to be wrong - hell, I'm wrong ALL the time. And, I'm usually the first to admit it. Well, I was wrong this time.

I don't know that I'll ever get another chance...or even that I deserve one.

But, in the meantime, I'm working on myself. I'll never be perfect, but I want to be better.

First step - No more self-loathing.

'K, fine...

&=) I RAWK. &=)

Thank you, Kelly

You environmentalists should check out my friend Kelly's page. She's who I MEANT to be, when I got to 32.

Can I go, now?

So.

I didn't get the clinic job.

Somehow, I expected that.

But, now, I'm out of ideas of what to do...for the rest of my life.

I've come to the realization over the past few months that I don't like my life. There are people in my life whom I ADORE, but I just don't like MY LIFE. I don't LIKE being an x-ray tech. But, what can I do? I have a degree in something, that no one wants me for. Or, I think it's just that no one wants me.

That woman completely judged me on my resume. I have a hole-filled resume, for about six years, until I got the job at Highlands. Then, I was at Highlands for four consistent years. But, I guess that doesn't matter. Joe said they're looking for patterns. But, how can you see a pattern in something that hasn't been there for over four years? I have a feeling I'm going to have to redesign my resume, which is ridiculous. The JOB WORLD is ridiculous. It's all about lying and padding, to make things look better.

Look, do you people want the truth or not?

The woman who conducted my interview for the clinic was a real ball buster. She kept asking me all these really personal questions, and it made me feel really uncomfortable. She kept asking me what my ideal job was - she was waiting for me to say that I wanted to spend the rest of my born days in that clinic, but I'm just no good at lying. I can stave off the truth for a while, but I can't outright lie and brown nose like that. That's why I wasn't any good at Highlands. My boss wanted brown nosers, and that just wasn't me. I'm sorry - let me rephrase. My boss wanted brown nosers OR pretty girls, and I am neither.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I was really worried today, but I gave myself the rest of the day to be mad and pissy and cry, but I'm over it. Now, I'm just trying to move on to "what to do," or Plan Bazillion and Four. I don't LIKE not having a job. Yes, I would like to have a job that was better suited to me, but what is that? I haven't the slightest. And, all day, I've been fussing about how I should have just stayed in school for Biology, which was my original plan all along, but I didn't. I'd even like to go back to school, but that's out of the question for now. Right now, I just need a JOB. I need MONEY, to make ends meet. A friend put on her Facebook, "by the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends." Oh, how true that is.

Lately, I've been contemplating selling (or giving away) as much stuff as I possibly can, putting the rest in storage, giving my animals new homes, and just going somewhere else to start over. But, I'm deathly afraid that I'm just going to be running away from something that will follow me everywhere. I don't even know what that is. I'm so focused on money and paying off debt, I really have no room to think of anything else. Money consumes my mind and is what keeps me constantly stressed. It definitely IS the root of all evil. I mean, if I could pay someone in things that I HAD, I wouldn't be in debt (I can pay in cat hair - that's really all I have enough of at the moment). But, money is a scarce commodity in this house. I don't even buy things for myself anymore. I live with what things I have, and I pay the bills for the necessities. Granted, internet probably isn't a necessity, although, it helps to have while you're looking for employment.

Bah. This subject is so broad, and I could drone on for hours about it, but I'm not gonna. Tomorrow's a new day, and just as with every one of my "tomorrows," I'm going to get up and start over and pretend that everything's going to be different. It never is, but it helps to tell myself that, in order to keep myself fooled into having a reason to wake up in the morning.

I have a few job leads (thank you to those of you who have kept an eye out for work for me), so I'm going to wake up tomorrow and start making phone calls. Unfortunately, my sleep is completely out of whack, and I'm totally the opposite of a morning person, but I'm going to do what I have to do. Because that's what I do.

For some reason, God deems it necessary to keep me here. To be honest, I pray for death so often now, it doesn't even concern me anymore. I don't feel as though I'm doing any good for anyone - just BEING here - so, what's the point in keeping it up? I haven't the slightest clue. Really. I'm so depressed, and I dream of an infinite, painless sleep. But, it hasn't happened. And, I still believe in God - always will. I don't know what His plan is, and I kinda don't care anymore. But, I'm going to keep going, because it's JUST WHAT I DO.

I exist, because I'm here. I will always be plagued with this horrible depression, but I'm learning to cope better. I don't know what I want out of life, because NOTHING makes me happy. I keep trying to find it in other people, but that hasn't worked out. In fact, I panic and back out of every relationship I've had in the past. I want nothing more but to go back to him and fall into his arms - it might not have been perfect, but at least I was happy. There was a time when WE were happy. I made a horrible mistake, but that's what happens when you judge people for something they're not. I miss him so much, it sets me on edge. And, no matter our differences, I loved him. Still do.

Damn.

Hey, I'm good at making mistakes - are there jobs for that? No. No, I didn't suppose there were. I'd never get that lucky.

I'm so thankful for the people I DO have in my life. I'm thankful that he was pushy enough, to the point that we ARE still friends - at least he's still in my life, albeit very little. There are things that I do appreciate in my life, but unfortunately, I can't focus on those things. Those things don't make me money - and that's where I fail, miserably. I shouldn't be so hellbent on making money, but much to my chagrin, that's what makes the world continue to exist. And, that's what pays my bills. They're right - you can't function on love, alone. Love doesn't pay the bills. I have no love, though, so it's not something I'm concerned with.

Friendship does keep you afloat when you're drowning, though. I miss my friends. I miss being social. I miss not feeling like shit every, single day of my life. I miss not dreading going to sleep and dreading waking up. I miss not biting peoples' heads off. I miss happy. I miss me.

But, I know me. This won't go away, until I get work. Until I have something where I can keep MYSELF alive, I won't achieve happiness of any kind. I'm just...here. I'm just quietly falling apart inside, and I'm trying really hard not to take anyone with me. At least I admit it. At least I admit that money and work and having my bills taken care of makes me happy (okay, that's more of a temporary happy). It's not even the money, itself - it's the prospect of NOT having those unpaid bills hanging over my head, and NOT having creditors call me 15 times a day.

I don't know that I'll ever NOT struggle in my life, but I sure as hell wouldn't mind a damn break. The lottery? Sure. Whatever. I'll take anything. I'm not picky. But, I've been working FOR YEARS to get back to zero, and I'm constantly being stifled. Hell, I've been working for years to get back to metaphorical zero, in my LIFE, but even that hasn't happened. It's that typical scenario - you save up all this money to get your brakes done or get new tires on your car, but something's constantly going wrong, to keep that money drained, so that eventually, one day, your brakes go out. But, it doesn't matter, because you don't have the money to get them fixed anyway. So, then, you drive with shoddy brakes, until you end up having an accident, which is always going to be more costly than what you were aiming for in the beginning. It's Murphy's Law - and everyone's had it.

I never had a slice of bread,

Particularly large and wide,

That did not fall upon the floor,

And always on the buttered side.

I feel you, bread.

Sister, Interrupted...

So, my sister found me.

Actually, she's my half-sister.

I don't really know what to make of it, except that last time we talked, she said some sorta hurtful things about my mom...which apparently HER mom had told her, about goings-on between my mom and dad.

When my dad died, his side of the family blamed my mom for his death...even though it was an industrial accident in a different state and she had nothing to do with it. But, I guess since he was working to support his "new" family (you should never move on - you should never make a new life for yourself), which included me and mom, and a baby can't be blamed for the fault of someone, that automatically passed on to my mom.

Obviously, no one will know exactly what passed between the two families, except for the people who were directly involved. I do know that they threatened to take me from her, because apparently since I was both my mom and my dad's child, they should have somehow gotten custody of me, instead of my blood parent. Go figure.

I know what my family has told me about them, and Brandy told me some of what was obviously told to her growing up, and I have to say, there's a reason I stuck with my family. My aunt Diane told me that one of the reasons Mom didn't want me to have contact with that side of the family is because she was afraid I would want to go be with them instead. I wish I'd known that. I could have let her know that she could have safely assured herself that I was going to stay with the people who had cared for and raised me.

That's what pissed me off about the things Brandy told me, the last time I talked to her (1997, I think? I was still in college). She was telling me things about MY mom that I knew she couldn't have known, only being very young herself at the time (she was nine when our dad died). People can say things and tell you things, but that doesn't make them true. And, even if they were true, I can promise you I would have stayed my ass right where it already was. I was happy with MY family. My mother was MY mother. She raised me, and she raised me well. SHE took care of me. SHE was the one who put me through school and kissed all my booboos and came to all my performances and cared for me every, single time I was sick...I wouldn't have had it any other way. As disastrous as my life has turned out, she was to blame for nothing but caring too much.

No, we didn't have the healthiest relationship - I was her whole world - but I consider myself to be an okay person, moderately smart, and definitely well-rounded. I don't trust anyone else would have CARED enough to raise me as well. I would have been a "half-child" to them, my dad's kid. And, I'm certain that no one would have loved me the way my mom did. No one else's mom would have taken the time to sit down with every, single principal, from elementary school to high school, and talk to each one about the threat of a possible "stray" family member coming to take me from school. A bit much, maybe, but she wasn't YOUR mom, and it wasn't YOUR life. YOU weren't the one who was threatened by people she thought she could trust.

Hence the reason there was no contact.

I have no desire to be a part of that family, even now. Could be harsh judgement on my part, but I'm an adult. I can make my own decisions. And, *I'M* the one who saw her cry every time she missed my dad. He's one of the many reasons she never got remarried. She loved him enough, and once she had me, she didn't feel as though she needed anyone else in her life like that. She'd told me many times that she never remarried, because she was always afraid someone would try to hurt me. Not that all step-families are abusive. But, she did what she did to protect me.

My mom didn't always make the right or best decisions, but she did what she thought would be in our best interest as a family. And, I'm okay with that. It was me and her against the world most of the time.

And, I'd give anything in my life to have her back right now.

So, anyway, Brandy didn't know Mom had died. She asked why I didn't have any pictures of her on my page, so I had to tell her. It was a pretty dreary letter, and I cried. Things are pretty bleak in my life right now. I don't feel good. My depression has a pretty good foothold. I had a really crappy interview, and I'm not sure I got the job. I'm all out of money, and I can't even muster the strength to care enough, to get out of bed and take a fucking shower.

I just don't care. About anything.

And, it's getting worse.

It's cold as shit here, and that's not helping things, not being able to be outside or feel less than crippled all the time. I'm sure a lot of this is coming from being lazy and unemployed. Or unemployed and lazy. Whatever it is, things have got to pick up/turn around soon. If they don't...well, I don't know. I'm not going to kill myself. I'm way too lazy to think up how I'd go about doing that. But, I *DO* have the desire to just lay here and die. I'd like it to be a speedy death, though, because I really am tired of the nothingness that is my life. I'd like to get out and do things, but I can't do a thing, because I'm COMPLETELY out of money. Unemployment screwed me over Christmas, so I'm behind a week of payment, which has thrown ALL my finances out of whack. A friend "gave" me $100 for Christmas, but that was just enough to keep me afloat.

2009 was a horrible year, but just because it's a new year, doesn't mean anything's going to get better. I've lost all my positivity, and I look forward to nothing but death. I'm trying really hard to "get over" this depression, as some of you have suggested to me, but it's kinda hard. It's actually harder than it looks. I'd kill someone for the Zoloft powder under their fingernails...and I don't even take Zoloft...and I wouldn't even kill anyone. I've never been homicidal, and I don't think I could start now. I'm too fucking tired.

Well, this was supposed to be a post about the Braxton side of things, but as usual, I got off on a tangent. I think Trevin and I are going to bundle up really warm and take Jack down to the dog park. I need to get outside, as much as I LOATHE the cold.

As always, I appreciate your comments and love. It's the only thing that gets me through, these days. I don't cry much now, because I'm drained of all emotion - even love. I'm a real sad sack of shit right now. But, I keep going, for whatever it's worth. I suppose it will pay off eventually. Or not. I don't know anymore, and I'm rapidly losing whatever faith I have left. But, as always, I love you guys. Sorry I haven't been on lately, but if I had, this depressive shit is all it would consist of. It's pretty gross. &=(

Hope everyone else's years are starting out better and will continue to improve as time progresses. I appreciate all your thoughts and/or prayers. God knows I need them.

*hugs*

Hurting hurts

I hate the ends of things. I hate demise. I hate breaking up. I hate hurting people. I hate it. It makes me hate myself. And, I should. And, I do.

He's not a bad guy. And, he was trying. I just lost my connection. Or, was there ever one?

I don't know, but GOD, I HATE HURTING PEOPLE.

I feel like throw up. Like, the actual emesis, not the action. Okay, well, I feel like throwing up, too. A lot.

I know everyone always says life isn't easy, but why not? Why the hell can't we have some easy? When feelings get involved, you're just embroiled in a bitter battle to see who can come out on top. Not me. I don't ever want to come out on top of someone else's feelings. But, I just parked my car on his.

Babe, I'm so sorry. I really think it's best that you get out now, while you still can. I care about you enough to do this for you.

I need to get better - I need to BE better. I have no inspiration. I'm sitting in the bed, as I type this, which is where I've been for the past three months.

I have a job, now. It's part-time. I work with Jack's trainer, Ralph, but I'm basically just a kennel worker, so it's really hard work. The bright side is, I HAVE A JOB. I WON'T be sitting at home for three out of the seven days of the week. And, I get paid for hanging around dogs and letting them get poop and urine and slobber on me. I'm okay with that. I got an email from St. Vincent's yesterday, saying the position I had applied for had been filled. Not that I expected anything more. Although I plan on keeping up my registry, I have a feeling I'm done with medicine. What's in store for me, for the future? I haven't a clue.

Right now, I'm not feeling any love from the universe, but that's understandable.

FUCK. The thing is, I DO care about Cris! I DO. But, there's a piece missing, or there's a wedge between us, and I'm SO NOT HAPPY. I wish I could fix it. I really do. I care about him so much. I just want to take care of everyone. I wish everyone could just hug and cuddle and be happy, for no reason other than the fact that love exists, and we're capable of giving as well as receiving.

God, I feel shitty. We had a really rough Thanksgiving week, and I'm pretty sure that's what sealed the deal for me. Last week was okay, but I felt like I was just being completely rejecting of who he really is, since he only wants to express emotion on stage. I'm done with trying to fucking change people. I just want to find someone whom I can accept and help build up.

Basically, what this shit all boils down to is:

It's not you, it's me.

And, it really is.

I hate being me, more than I could ever possibly express to anyone on this earth. If it didn't feel like I was living with insides made out of scrambled eggs (brain, included), it might be easier. But, I'm so fucking conflicted with every decision I make, there's nothing I can hold tight to. Hell, I can't even choose cold medicine with ANY confidence.

Mom, why did you have to raise me like this, then leave? You know how much this sucks? Thanks for at least giving me our family to fall back on and sending friends who are real friends. If it wasn't for certain people in my life, I have no idea where I'd be. Throw a dart at a map of life - that's where I'd be. Anyway, I'm totally mad at you right now, for not raising me to be a proper adult. But, just so you know, if you were here, I'd totally have moved home and be living there now. So, maybe it's for the best. But, thanks for loving me unconditionally (although, sometimes it seems like I was pushing those "unconditions," huh? Sorry about that...). I miss you. I'm sure I wouldn't take your advice, since I'm your daughter, but I could totally wear you out in the hug department. Send some hugs my way, eh? I'm having a bad day.

And, so goes my life. On. For whatever reason. I know, TECHNICALLY, we're supposed to be patient, to whatever plans God is going to reveal to us. But, I'm getting antsy. I can't continue to live my life with a throat full of acid. I miss those super-boring days I'd come home from work to - ugh - the attic, and I'd have NOTHING to do and NO ONE to impress, and I'd just pass out, or watch tv, or surf. It was just me and the girls. At least I wasn't hurting anyone. (Well, except for that time Jammy found and ate one of my klonopins. Yeah, talk about feeling like a JERK.)

Cris, I'm sorry. This is lame and cliché, but I do care about you, and I do hope we can be friends. I'm still your biggest fan, and I think you're a wonderful person. You're just meant for someone else, and not for me. I wish you were. You're a really great person. You're fun and caring and active and adventurous and beautiful...I could go on. I hope one day you can forgive me. But, right now, I need to work on me. And, I don't have the resources. Soon, though...

You still mean the world to me. Thank you for being here for me. You've helped me so much, and I will forever be thankful that I met you. I am unconditionally your friend.

I'm going to lay down. My head is killing me from thinking and crying and throwing up and all that nonsense.

I hope everyone is well. And, I hope to be posting more and better soon. I can feel change coming in my life - I'm just not sure what it is. Thanks for being there. Thanks for reading. Thanks for thoughts and prayers, be you atheistic or Christian (and everything in between). I love all my friends, no matter who you are. You guys are awesome and incredible. I'd have nothing without you. ♥