there are only 3 months left until the canadian seal hunt begins. please take a second to sign this petition., and if you have time, read some of the info on the site. to be perfectly honest, i don't know if these petitions ever do any good, but just in case there's a chance...
http://www.hsus.org/protect_seals.html
if you don't believe it's horrible and completely inhumane, please feel free to watch the accompanying video on the site. if you're not totally disgusted, then you probably aren't friends with me, and the mental institute doesn't know you've escaped.
12.22.2006
12.21.2006
on being a vegetarian
i just read another blog about this guy's experience with being vegetarian, and while i appreciate and respect his candor, i can't say i completely agree with everything he was saying, which of course, is my right. either way, you can read for yourself, if you like:
http://www.adrian.josephlavoie.com/2006/05/12/the-fallacy-of-cruelty-free
um, i'd like to point out that i became a vegetarian in september of 1993, and in no way do i believe this deems me superior to others. nor have i ever made an animal sound while someone ate their food - unless they've asked for it...literally.
"hey, can you moo like a cow while i eat this?"
"um........ok. um, mooooo. mooooooo. you know this is very awkward for me."
"i know, but it just makes it feel so REAL."
anyway, true to fact, i've had setbacks. for a while there, i was a vegetarian, but i "only ate chicken."
i'm sorry, but even admitting that now makes me feel terribly retarded. i mean, even now, i hear people say it, and i'm like, "wait...what? since when did chickens become non-living creatures? omg, wait...are you eating.....ZOMBIE CHICKENS??!?"
not that i condone this, um, "chicken-beheading activity," but there's a fascinating story on mike, the headless chicken, who lived for 18 months without a head. i just think this is totally awesome, the REAL-TO-LIFE ZOMBIE CHICKEN!!!! and NO, i don't think people should go around, chopping the heads of chickens to see how long they live. i just think it's an awesome chicken:
http://www.miketheheadlesschicken.org/story.html
ok, back to me. yes, i've had bites of meats, chickens and fishes, here and there (not in a while), but overall, the thought of eating a living creature (or for you sarcastics out there, a once-living creature) makes me nauseated. the iron-y smell of the blood cooked out of a steak makes me sick. the floors of every kfc on earth are appalling. and fish is just the worst shit i've ever put in my mouth.
i remember the days when me and mom would go shopping, and on the way home, we'd stop off at the steak-and-ale in irondale and get a big-ass, juicy steak. i still remember when she'd fix pork chops, or we'd have a make-your-own-taco night. hell, growing up, my lunch every single day was the same: pickle, cheese & ham. my favorite sandwich to take to school in my lunch was turkey and mustard. and every thanksgiving, i got the giant turkey leg, and i'd gnaw at it like a homeless man, ALONG with eating the cartilage (my personal favorite part of the chicken).
but, i don't eat any of that anymore. i haven't had meat in somewhat of forever. and in reading fast food nation by eric schlosser, it confirmed and magnified my worst nightmares. of course, i say this, and someone ALWAYS says, "do you always believe everything you read?"
well, no. that would mean that EVERYTHING, tentatively, is a lie. so, how can we ever believe anything ever again?
i also believe in the greenhouse effect. i believe in my right NOT to vote (i don't believe in choosing the "lesser of two evils" in this situation). i'm still torn on cloning, early-term abortion, and genetically altering your baby.
anyway, in fast food nation, schlosser describes, in great detail, the workings, from beginning to end, of a slaughterhouse. he interviews people who still live the ranch/farm life. he delves inside the plant where "tastes" are made (scary, btw). he elaborates on what some of the terms on food labels mean - "natural flavor"? not so natural. he touches on organic farming and several other issues - some i know, some i never even thought about. it's actually a very informative, well-researched book.
so, YES, i do believe in the things he's written in this book.
i'm a vegetarian, because i don't believe that as far as we've come in society, there should be any reason for us to eat animals any longer. no, there's no way in the world to keep ALL animals from hurting, but i'm doing my part, by not eating them, not wearing leather, etc. i'm still practicing on some things such as not buying products tested on animals, avoiding things such as honey, wool & down.
i had originally started writing something on being ovo-lacto, but it's in my blog archive somewhere. i'll have to dust it off and work on it more.
until then, i'm still the fattest vegetarian i know. thankfully, this person (the blog i mentioned above) had apparently experienced some of the same problems i'm fighting. this remark - "I ate vast quantities of carbohydrates, and sugars, which caused me to gain a lot of weight and made me unhealthier than if I were to continue eating meat" - is exactly what i'm going through right now. i can put away severeal helpings of cake and a pint of ice cream without flinching. i've currently come to grips with the fact that i'm addicted to sugar. i mean, ADDICTED. i'll wake up in the dead of the night and have to make an ice cream run to bruno's. i don't know what i'm lacking or what obsession sugar is standing in place of, but it's become....well, disgusting. and yes, i believe if i had the necessary determination and dedication, i would have become an anorexic a long time ago.
i know your body changes with age, and i'm almost 30, so i'm wavering in the danger zone of weight and body habitus changes.
*sigh* sucks getting old.
so, i'm hoping to get some things in order (my knee pain), so i can start becoming a little more active. i know i've said it before, but the only reason i have a gym membership is because it helps me sleep soundly at night. i'm also hoping to join weight watcher's, since i've just recently discovered that they have a program, specifically for vegetarians, so i'm really excited about that!
sometimes i think if i was a coke fiend, i'd be happier.
as for now, i'll have to settle for cake fiend.
http://www.adrian.josephlavoie.com/2006/05/12/the-fallacy-of-cruelty-free
um, i'd like to point out that i became a vegetarian in september of 1993, and in no way do i believe this deems me superior to others. nor have i ever made an animal sound while someone ate their food - unless they've asked for it...literally.
"hey, can you moo like a cow while i eat this?"
"um........ok. um, mooooo. mooooooo. you know this is very awkward for me."
"i know, but it just makes it feel so REAL."
anyway, true to fact, i've had setbacks. for a while there, i was a vegetarian, but i "only ate chicken."
i'm sorry, but even admitting that now makes me feel terribly retarded. i mean, even now, i hear people say it, and i'm like, "wait...what? since when did chickens become non-living creatures? omg, wait...are you eating.....ZOMBIE CHICKENS??!?"
not that i condone this, um, "chicken-beheading activity," but there's a fascinating story on mike, the headless chicken, who lived for 18 months without a head. i just think this is totally awesome, the REAL-TO-LIFE ZOMBIE CHICKEN!!!! and NO, i don't think people should go around, chopping the heads of chickens to see how long they live. i just think it's an awesome chicken:
http://www.miketheheadlesschicken.org/story.html
ok, back to me. yes, i've had bites of meats, chickens and fishes, here and there (not in a while), but overall, the thought of eating a living creature (or for you sarcastics out there, a once-living creature) makes me nauseated. the iron-y smell of the blood cooked out of a steak makes me sick. the floors of every kfc on earth are appalling. and fish is just the worst shit i've ever put in my mouth.
i remember the days when me and mom would go shopping, and on the way home, we'd stop off at the steak-and-ale in irondale and get a big-ass, juicy steak. i still remember when she'd fix pork chops, or we'd have a make-your-own-taco night. hell, growing up, my lunch every single day was the same: pickle, cheese & ham. my favorite sandwich to take to school in my lunch was turkey and mustard. and every thanksgiving, i got the giant turkey leg, and i'd gnaw at it like a homeless man, ALONG with eating the cartilage (my personal favorite part of the chicken).
but, i don't eat any of that anymore. i haven't had meat in somewhat of forever. and in reading fast food nation by eric schlosser, it confirmed and magnified my worst nightmares. of course, i say this, and someone ALWAYS says, "do you always believe everything you read?"
well, no. that would mean that EVERYTHING, tentatively, is a lie. so, how can we ever believe anything ever again?
i also believe in the greenhouse effect. i believe in my right NOT to vote (i don't believe in choosing the "lesser of two evils" in this situation). i'm still torn on cloning, early-term abortion, and genetically altering your baby.
anyway, in fast food nation, schlosser describes, in great detail, the workings, from beginning to end, of a slaughterhouse. he interviews people who still live the ranch/farm life. he delves inside the plant where "tastes" are made (scary, btw). he elaborates on what some of the terms on food labels mean - "natural flavor"? not so natural. he touches on organic farming and several other issues - some i know, some i never even thought about. it's actually a very informative, well-researched book.
so, YES, i do believe in the things he's written in this book.
i'm a vegetarian, because i don't believe that as far as we've come in society, there should be any reason for us to eat animals any longer. no, there's no way in the world to keep ALL animals from hurting, but i'm doing my part, by not eating them, not wearing leather, etc. i'm still practicing on some things such as not buying products tested on animals, avoiding things such as honey, wool & down.
i had originally started writing something on being ovo-lacto, but it's in my blog archive somewhere. i'll have to dust it off and work on it more.
until then, i'm still the fattest vegetarian i know. thankfully, this person (the blog i mentioned above) had apparently experienced some of the same problems i'm fighting. this remark - "I ate vast quantities of carbohydrates, and sugars, which caused me to gain a lot of weight and made me unhealthier than if I were to continue eating meat" - is exactly what i'm going through right now. i can put away severeal helpings of cake and a pint of ice cream without flinching. i've currently come to grips with the fact that i'm addicted to sugar. i mean, ADDICTED. i'll wake up in the dead of the night and have to make an ice cream run to bruno's. i don't know what i'm lacking or what obsession sugar is standing in place of, but it's become....well, disgusting. and yes, i believe if i had the necessary determination and dedication, i would have become an anorexic a long time ago.
i know your body changes with age, and i'm almost 30, so i'm wavering in the danger zone of weight and body habitus changes.
*sigh* sucks getting old.
so, i'm hoping to get some things in order (my knee pain), so i can start becoming a little more active. i know i've said it before, but the only reason i have a gym membership is because it helps me sleep soundly at night. i'm also hoping to join weight watcher's, since i've just recently discovered that they have a program, specifically for vegetarians, so i'm really excited about that!
sometimes i think if i was a coke fiend, i'd be happier.
as for now, i'll have to settle for cake fiend.
12.15.2006
those aren't doritos...
heather just sent this to me:
Vegetarians are more intelligent, says study. Frequently dismissed as cranks, their fussy eating habits tend to make them unpopular with dinner party hosts and guests alike. But now it seems they may have the last laugh, with research showing vegetarians are more intelligent than their meat-eating friends.
Full Story: http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article-23378331-details/Vegetarians+are+more+intelligent%2C+says+study/article.do
MESSAGE: See? You knew you were smarter than the rest. I would have known that too, except me ate meet. ;-)
see? this is why me & hj are bff.
i new thoz pante chips wern't that bad 4 eatng.
12.12.2006
pictures
.JPG)
booboo staking her claim on the elusive sleeping shelby
.JPG)
a retarded pic of me
me & my sweet buddy at "gobs of fun"
me & heather at the hp3 movie premiere
waiting for the movie to start!
booboo & her catch
laying on the bed, watching family guy
me, being retarded, taking pics of myself
thanks, gobbliscious!
booboo & jammy smelling thanksgiving dinner!
booboo & that jumpy chicken toy
jammy napping
jammy *sigh* getting in trouble again
jammy biting mommy
jammy & mommy
FUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!
not only am i out of my meds (cocks shotgun), but NOW i'm getting SICK!
this is NOT the week for me to be sick. this isn't even a good DAY for it.
oh...my...GAWD.
BLAH! &=(
this is NOT the week for me to be sick. this isn't even a good DAY for it.
oh...my...GAWD.
BLAH! &=(
posting pics
i just realized that i NEVER post any pics on here.
for some reason, i'm a picture retard. i can't make pictures DO what i want them to do. but i have a few pictures of me and the kakas that i want to post when i get home. i post stuff on my myspace page, but those of you who have "aged out" of myspace, you guys don't get to see my awesome pics. i'm going to buy a camera soon, even if it bankrupts me. i'm not good without a cam.
and the kakas are my kitties - my girls. there's bitty kaka (jammy pie) and big kaka (booboo). they're also known as the mean one (booboo) and the bad one (jammy pie). or the big one and the little one.
and i've developed my own language within the confines of my home, because there's never anyone else to talk to. so, if you don't understand something, it's just because you're not fluent in the ways of "the jimmy". my girls understand me fine, and me, them, so that's really what matters.
alrighty, for those of you articulate in cat - meow, mrow, mrooowwww. if you're not, tough shit.
&=D
for some reason, i'm a picture retard. i can't make pictures DO what i want them to do. but i have a few pictures of me and the kakas that i want to post when i get home. i post stuff on my myspace page, but those of you who have "aged out" of myspace, you guys don't get to see my awesome pics. i'm going to buy a camera soon, even if it bankrupts me. i'm not good without a cam.
and the kakas are my kitties - my girls. there's bitty kaka (jammy pie) and big kaka (booboo). they're also known as the mean one (booboo) and the bad one (jammy pie). or the big one and the little one.
and i've developed my own language within the confines of my home, because there's never anyone else to talk to. so, if you don't understand something, it's just because you're not fluent in the ways of "the jimmy". my girls understand me fine, and me, them, so that's really what matters.
alrighty, for those of you articulate in cat - meow, mrow, mrooowwww. if you're not, tough shit.
&=D
shipping sans sex
hmm...let me just elaborate on yesterday's post.
this is probably more than you never wanted to know about me, but meh.
some of the relationships i've developed (both past and present) seem to somehow center on sex. when i cross that ever-changing line of having sex with someone, i'm always the one to get screwed - literally and metaphorically. when i have sex with someone, i automatically get emotionally involved. it's not that i WANT to. it just HAPPENS.
several years ago, i lived that rampant teenage existence (at the tender age of 25), doing whatever i wanted, shirking my responsibilities, quitting my job and living off the money from the sale of my mom's house, having sex with just about anyone who wanted it. let me just interject here that THAT person is not me. it was an image of me, projected into an alternate life. don't get me wrong - i lived it. i was a part of it. i made the decisions that completely screwed my life for all eternity. but that PERSON was a person that i never wanted to be, and to this day, i'm permanently shamed by every action that's brought me to where i am today.
now, there are things in my life that are good. there are people in my life who are good. and i wouldn't have known about parts of this life, without having gone through the fire. and please don't resent me for saying that i would give just about all of this up to go back to my old life. it's a harsh statement, but it's true. i would give it all up.
but i can't.
so, i have to work with what i have now. i'm still in constant progression and redevelopment. i keep waiting for someone to come out of the woods and tell me who i am, because i sure as hell don't know. until then, i have to kind of make up my own rules as i go.
but there are people who don't respect those rules. there are people who don't care. when i point out that these people happen to be guys, i'm NOT stereotyping or pigeon-holing anyone. it's just that i don't HAVE relations with chicks. i know chicks can be (and are) just as dirty and evil as guys. i should know - i've been that villanous girl.
i know, and have ALWAYS known, that these people (dudes) are NOT my friends, no matter what they say, before getting into my pants. and just as chicks, dudes can and will say anything to get what they want from you.
so, what the hell am i getting at? i don't know. just let me kvetch for a while. stop reading if you're bored - i could less than give a shit.
basically, what i'm getting at is, i make my own trouble. hell, everyone does, if you really, REALLY look at who's to blame. i just allow myself to get too worked up over specific events. i have that high school mentality = is he gonna call? is he just after me for sex? does he really like me? does he even KNOW my last name?
i think i should just become a nun. and not the kind that screws around. i'm looking for the "nice guy" stereotype, but i'm just scaring myself off from every prospect. i'm looking for someone who likes me as me and not someone else. i want someone who can appreciate me, even on my cyclically sad days. there are guys in whom i'm seriously interested, there are some who are teetering on the edge, and there are others who, in my mind, just don't have a chance - not because i'm totally awesome or something - just because i don't see us as "long-term compatible".
i don't KNOW if i'm ever going to be normal. i don't KNOW if i'll ever have kids. i don't KNOW if one day, i'll just wake up and turn in my apps to the peace corps and hop the first plane to the west bank of gaza.
so basically, it comes down to this: if you're after me for sex, you can tack yourself to the wall by the nutsack and log back on to www.disgustingshit.com. what i have to offer is not what everyone has to offer. i like to think what i have is special - and it is. because for the (somewhat) lucky recipient, what i have is unfaltering adoration, along with a sex life that may or may not blow your mind. i don't make idealistic promises or declarations. i don't think that i'm more than i am. i'm just me, and i'm looking for someone who's looking for me, PROBLEMS AND ALL.
i was perfect to someone at one time, but i gave it all up, for _________. you can fill in the blank yourself, because no matter what you say, you'll never truly understand what i went through. it was never intentional, and it was certainly never meant to be permanent.
however many times i've said this, i'm saying it again, because i can: now, i'm starting over.
this is probably more than you never wanted to know about me, but meh.
some of the relationships i've developed (both past and present) seem to somehow center on sex. when i cross that ever-changing line of having sex with someone, i'm always the one to get screwed - literally and metaphorically. when i have sex with someone, i automatically get emotionally involved. it's not that i WANT to. it just HAPPENS.
several years ago, i lived that rampant teenage existence (at the tender age of 25), doing whatever i wanted, shirking my responsibilities, quitting my job and living off the money from the sale of my mom's house, having sex with just about anyone who wanted it. let me just interject here that THAT person is not me. it was an image of me, projected into an alternate life. don't get me wrong - i lived it. i was a part of it. i made the decisions that completely screwed my life for all eternity. but that PERSON was a person that i never wanted to be, and to this day, i'm permanently shamed by every action that's brought me to where i am today.
now, there are things in my life that are good. there are people in my life who are good. and i wouldn't have known about parts of this life, without having gone through the fire. and please don't resent me for saying that i would give just about all of this up to go back to my old life. it's a harsh statement, but it's true. i would give it all up.
but i can't.
so, i have to work with what i have now. i'm still in constant progression and redevelopment. i keep waiting for someone to come out of the woods and tell me who i am, because i sure as hell don't know. until then, i have to kind of make up my own rules as i go.
but there are people who don't respect those rules. there are people who don't care. when i point out that these people happen to be guys, i'm NOT stereotyping or pigeon-holing anyone. it's just that i don't HAVE relations with chicks. i know chicks can be (and are) just as dirty and evil as guys. i should know - i've been that villanous girl.
i know, and have ALWAYS known, that these people (dudes) are NOT my friends, no matter what they say, before getting into my pants. and just as chicks, dudes can and will say anything to get what they want from you.
so, what the hell am i getting at? i don't know. just let me kvetch for a while. stop reading if you're bored - i could less than give a shit.
i was talking to a friend yesterday about this, and here's an excerpt from the letter i sent back to him (pardon the french):
all the rest of the time, it's just fucking, if that makes sense. it's so he can get his rocks off and that's all. it's almost meaningless, except that when i have sex with someone, i automatically develop "something" for them - not feelings per se. more like, i just let myself get emotionally involved.
all the rest of the time, it's just fucking, if that makes sense. it's so he can get his rocks off and that's all. it's almost meaningless, except that when i have sex with someone, i automatically develop "something" for them - not feelings per se. more like, i just let myself get emotionally involved.
either way, you're right. i just have to say no and let the "friendships" suffer. i went through this several years ago - fucking my way to having friends. but i'm retarded, because i KNOW these people aren't REALLY my friends. i mean, i'm not going to kid anyone. i like sex just as much as the next person. but when i LET myself do it with the wrong person, that just makes for emotional trouble for me.
basically, what i'm getting at is, i make my own trouble. hell, everyone does, if you really, REALLY look at who's to blame. i just allow myself to get too worked up over specific events. i have that high school mentality = is he gonna call? is he just after me for sex? does he really like me? does he even KNOW my last name?
i think i should just become a nun. and not the kind that screws around. i'm looking for the "nice guy" stereotype, but i'm just scaring myself off from every prospect. i'm looking for someone who likes me as me and not someone else. i want someone who can appreciate me, even on my cyclically sad days. there are guys in whom i'm seriously interested, there are some who are teetering on the edge, and there are others who, in my mind, just don't have a chance - not because i'm totally awesome or something - just because i don't see us as "long-term compatible".
i don't KNOW if i'm ever going to be normal. i don't KNOW if i'll ever have kids. i don't KNOW if one day, i'll just wake up and turn in my apps to the peace corps and hop the first plane to the west bank of gaza.
so basically, it comes down to this: if you're after me for sex, you can tack yourself to the wall by the nutsack and log back on to www.disgustingshit.com. what i have to offer is not what everyone has to offer. i like to think what i have is special - and it is. because for the (somewhat) lucky recipient, what i have is unfaltering adoration, along with a sex life that may or may not blow your mind. i don't make idealistic promises or declarations. i don't think that i'm more than i am. i'm just me, and i'm looking for someone who's looking for me, PROBLEMS AND ALL.
i was perfect to someone at one time, but i gave it all up, for _________. you can fill in the blank yourself, because no matter what you say, you'll never truly understand what i went through. it was never intentional, and it was certainly never meant to be permanent.
however many times i've said this, i'm saying it again, because i can: now, i'm starting over.
12.11.2006
mopo
Current mood: curious
yo, yo, yo - love blows.
relationships suck.
friendships are always tainted.
why can't people go about this without sex on the brain? without having some kind of "payoff"?
12.08.2006
militant hummingbird
ok, so i saw this really sweet video yesterday, where this chick was holding an injured hummingbird in her hand, helping him eat out of a flower.
which apparently led to the dream i had last night.
i can't really remember how it all started, but the part that stood out was when me and the kids - erica, shelby, goose & braxton - were at my old house on meadow view drive. i don't remember exactly what led up to it, but the last thing i remember was all 5 of us were standing inside the house. goose and i were holding the door shut, and erica, shelby & braxton were standing in front of us, crying. i turned to look out the peephole, and there was this bigger-than-normal, blue and green hummingbird hovering outside the door. we're standing there, discussing what we should do next, when all of a sudden, the hummingbird had burrowed or pecked its way through the door, and was hovering above the little circle we were standing in. everyone screams and scatters in 50 different directions, as the hummingbird comes after us. for some reason, i ran outside, and the place where the flowerbed was, was now completely filled with water, and there was a duck, sitting in a flower, and it had an abnormally large beak.
just so you know, all my prepositions are correct. the duck was IN the flower. if you're losing coherence, remind yourself "this is all a dream - it's just a dream."
for some reason, i stopped what i was doing, and sat down to pet him, and he reached out and tried to bite me. now, i've never been bit by a duck - i've been CHASED by a whole squadron (or whatever) of ducks, but they actually didn't catch me. i'm thinking, it can't really hurt THAT bad, but i'm not really sure i want to find out. so, i jumped up, and that's when the hummingbird started coming after me. somehow, i ended up back in my old bedroom, under my bed.
after that, i don't remember what happened. i woke up not long after that.
so, i had the weirdest dream i've had in a while...and now have the strangest, most irrelevantly-based fear of hummingbirds.
more laters...
which apparently led to the dream i had last night.
i can't really remember how it all started, but the part that stood out was when me and the kids - erica, shelby, goose & braxton - were at my old house on meadow view drive. i don't remember exactly what led up to it, but the last thing i remember was all 5 of us were standing inside the house. goose and i were holding the door shut, and erica, shelby & braxton were standing in front of us, crying. i turned to look out the peephole, and there was this bigger-than-normal, blue and green hummingbird hovering outside the door. we're standing there, discussing what we should do next, when all of a sudden, the hummingbird had burrowed or pecked its way through the door, and was hovering above the little circle we were standing in. everyone screams and scatters in 50 different directions, as the hummingbird comes after us. for some reason, i ran outside, and the place where the flowerbed was, was now completely filled with water, and there was a duck, sitting in a flower, and it had an abnormally large beak.
just so you know, all my prepositions are correct. the duck was IN the flower. if you're losing coherence, remind yourself "this is all a dream - it's just a dream."
for some reason, i stopped what i was doing, and sat down to pet him, and he reached out and tried to bite me. now, i've never been bit by a duck - i've been CHASED by a whole squadron (or whatever) of ducks, but they actually didn't catch me. i'm thinking, it can't really hurt THAT bad, but i'm not really sure i want to find out. so, i jumped up, and that's when the hummingbird started coming after me. somehow, i ended up back in my old bedroom, under my bed.
after that, i don't remember what happened. i woke up not long after that.
so, i had the weirdest dream i've had in a while...and now have the strangest, most irrelevantly-based fear of hummingbirds.
more laters...
12.05.2006
a chill day
i'm ok today.
we're not busy in surgery, and my hair is actually fixed. i'm still tired, and i have hella-things to do/plan/schedule. but i'm ok. still feeling a bit abused, but whatever.
whatever to that.
heather, God love her, went and paid my rent for me this morning. i ended up having to do so much running around, trying to withdraw money, that by the time i got to the western union desk, it was 2 min after 9. they close at 9. i wanted to rip that chick's hair from her scalp. so i dropped the money at heather's, and she did it for me this morning. i don't know what i would do without her to pick up all my straggly pieces.
i'm just coasting, for now. i'm waiting for life to spontaneously improve. sometimes i just get tired of trying so hard, so i'm going to just sit back and let things happen. you know, i'm kinda in that mood where i'm like, "f* my credit, f* the bills, f* rules, i'll just do things when i do them."
i work when i can work.
i pay bills when i have the money.
i do things when i feel like it.
i don't when i don't.
i'm just so tired of being stressed out about dumb things. but i can't really help it. it's one of the many psychotic things that make me me. i'm just moody right now. well, actually, i'm relatively calm, compared to the hellacious weekend i had. well, not even hellacious - just busy. see, i can't even find the words to fit my feelings right now. i've been having that problem a lot lately. i'm just kinda...lost in my mind, in my thoughts, in what to think and what i really feel. i'm just...drifting.
btw, it's really frigging cold outside today. this is one of the first times that i can honestly say i'm getting old, because my neck and knee are KILLING me. i wish i had someone warm to cuddle with. it's not that i couldn't find someone...it's just that i can't make myself. not right now. there's too much...too many head things. too many things and people screwing with my head. if i could grant myself one wish, it would be the complete inability to have sex - that way, i could find out who still loves me for me. i think i have a pretty good idea. although i thought i already did at one time. i always think i have a clear-cut idea of things, but i'm pretty much just fooling myself.
if you see me on the side of the road, don't stroke. i'm probably just trying to find myself. or i've run out of gas again.
we're not busy in surgery, and my hair is actually fixed. i'm still tired, and i have hella-things to do/plan/schedule. but i'm ok. still feeling a bit abused, but whatever.
whatever to that.
heather, God love her, went and paid my rent for me this morning. i ended up having to do so much running around, trying to withdraw money, that by the time i got to the western union desk, it was 2 min after 9. they close at 9. i wanted to rip that chick's hair from her scalp. so i dropped the money at heather's, and she did it for me this morning. i don't know what i would do without her to pick up all my straggly pieces.
i'm just coasting, for now. i'm waiting for life to spontaneously improve. sometimes i just get tired of trying so hard, so i'm going to just sit back and let things happen. you know, i'm kinda in that mood where i'm like, "f* my credit, f* the bills, f* rules, i'll just do things when i do them."
i work when i can work.
i pay bills when i have the money.
i do things when i feel like it.
i don't when i don't.
i'm just so tired of being stressed out about dumb things. but i can't really help it. it's one of the many psychotic things that make me me. i'm just moody right now. well, actually, i'm relatively calm, compared to the hellacious weekend i had. well, not even hellacious - just busy. see, i can't even find the words to fit my feelings right now. i've been having that problem a lot lately. i'm just kinda...lost in my mind, in my thoughts, in what to think and what i really feel. i'm just...drifting.
btw, it's really frigging cold outside today. this is one of the first times that i can honestly say i'm getting old, because my neck and knee are KILLING me. i wish i had someone warm to cuddle with. it's not that i couldn't find someone...it's just that i can't make myself. not right now. there's too much...too many head things. too many things and people screwing with my head. if i could grant myself one wish, it would be the complete inability to have sex - that way, i could find out who still loves me for me. i think i have a pretty good idea. although i thought i already did at one time. i always think i have a clear-cut idea of things, but i'm pretty much just fooling myself.
if you see me on the side of the road, don't stroke. i'm probably just trying to find myself. or i've run out of gas again.
12.03.2006
4x power-up
mood: full
ahhhhh....
i am sated.
happy? sorta.
content? very.
disappointed? somewhat.
still feeling...cheated, and hmmm...i imagine there's a word for how i feel, but i'm too clouded to find it right now. i'm close to...maybe cloud 7.5? not 9, because that's perfection. it would have been 8, but someone pulled that one out from under me, once i fell from 9. so i'm grasping onto 7, trying not to plummet.
it's funny the way life doesn't work out sometimes, eh?
that's ok. i'm just going to go to the store to get some things and pretend i'm not thinking about it, like i always do. i'm good at that.
damn, i'm high - and i'm not even toked. i could bottle this feeling and become a billionaire.
*sigh*
ahhhhh....
i am sated.
happy? sorta.
content? very.
disappointed? somewhat.
still feeling...cheated, and hmmm...i imagine there's a word for how i feel, but i'm too clouded to find it right now. i'm close to...maybe cloud 7.5? not 9, because that's perfection. it would have been 8, but someone pulled that one out from under me, once i fell from 9. so i'm grasping onto 7, trying not to plummet.
it's funny the way life doesn't work out sometimes, eh?
that's ok. i'm just going to go to the store to get some things and pretend i'm not thinking about it, like i always do. i'm good at that.
damn, i'm high - and i'm not even toked. i could bottle this feeling and become a billionaire.
*sigh*
12.01.2006
my butt hurts
i feel like i'm having a really difficult time keeping my brain in my head. it keeps wanting to, i don't know, burst out of the front or something.
how can you do that? how can you WAIT 5 MONTHS to tell someone something like that? HOW? i'm a different person than her, but REALLY...how do you "build up" to dropping that kind of bomb on someone?
it's not for me to judge, i know - but i am, so suck it. i'm so...pissed...or something that i don't even know right now. i mean, i was the one who stopped everything, in order for us to make intelligible choices. you know, i didn't HAVE to do that, but it was like the ONE TIME in forever that i didn't make a decision based on what felt good at the moment. and now, it's like i'm being punished for doing the right thing! i mean, WHAT THE HELL???
&=(
i think that this is, like, a TOTAL sign from God, that i should:
a.) go ahead and join the peace corps, which was my original plan, or
b.) never leave the house again
unfortunately, i'm entirely too coked out on emotions right now to make a deliberate and well-thought out decision. i can think of, at the very LEAST, 27 insane things that i'd LIKE to do, and i'm not EVEN going to mention any of those.
you know, i get the fact that i'm well and still ok and still employed and still have my health and all my teeth and the people i love, etc, etc. but i just can't help from having that "cosmic anally screwed" feeling. i don't mean "cosmic" as in God. i just mean...well, it probably has something to do with the fact that they dropped pluto off the planetary list. somehow i'm responsible for that, and now i'm paying for it.
this is insane. i feel insane. my brain has just imploded.
my only concern right now is what brand of cigs i should start smoking. maybe i should just move directly to crack, cut out all that middle shit.
like heather said, i'm expecting for a cuckoo bird to pop out of the front of my skull any minute. at least i'll be able to always tell what time it is...probably.
how can you do that? how can you WAIT 5 MONTHS to tell someone something like that? HOW? i'm a different person than her, but REALLY...how do you "build up" to dropping that kind of bomb on someone?
it's not for me to judge, i know - but i am, so suck it. i'm so...pissed...or something that i don't even know right now. i mean, i was the one who stopped everything, in order for us to make intelligible choices. you know, i didn't HAVE to do that, but it was like the ONE TIME in forever that i didn't make a decision based on what felt good at the moment. and now, it's like i'm being punished for doing the right thing! i mean, WHAT THE HELL???
&=(
i think that this is, like, a TOTAL sign from God, that i should:
a.) go ahead and join the peace corps, which was my original plan, or
b.) never leave the house again
unfortunately, i'm entirely too coked out on emotions right now to make a deliberate and well-thought out decision. i can think of, at the very LEAST, 27 insane things that i'd LIKE to do, and i'm not EVEN going to mention any of those.
you know, i get the fact that i'm well and still ok and still employed and still have my health and all my teeth and the people i love, etc, etc. but i just can't help from having that "cosmic anally screwed" feeling. i don't mean "cosmic" as in God. i just mean...well, it probably has something to do with the fact that they dropped pluto off the planetary list. somehow i'm responsible for that, and now i'm paying for it.
this is insane. i feel insane. my brain has just imploded.
my only concern right now is what brand of cigs i should start smoking. maybe i should just move directly to crack, cut out all that middle shit.
like heather said, i'm expecting for a cuckoo bird to pop out of the front of my skull any minute. at least i'll be able to always tell what time it is...probably.
gravitational field: on
wow.
my life just keeps getting weirder and weirder. i keep expecting someone to jump out from behind a corner and yell, "surprise! you've been on tv for the last 7 years!"
i'm....speechless. i'm disappointed, i'm hurt, i'm sad, i'm sick, i'm angry, i'm confused.
i met a guy...a nice guy. i mean, i've actually met a few nice guys. but this one...i don't know. i'm....i can't find words. he's....wait, i thought that i had kind of had some "feelings" for him. but he had this ex, looming in the past, waiting for the right opportunity. and boy, did she.
i had kept telling him that he needed to get his issues with her sorted out before we went down "that road". he kept saying, "you're right, you're right." so they talked last night.
she's 5 months pregnant................
my life just keeps getting weirder and weirder. i keep expecting someone to jump out from behind a corner and yell, "surprise! you've been on tv for the last 7 years!"
i'm....speechless. i'm disappointed, i'm hurt, i'm sad, i'm sick, i'm angry, i'm confused.
i met a guy...a nice guy. i mean, i've actually met a few nice guys. but this one...i don't know. i'm....i can't find words. he's....wait, i thought that i had kind of had some "feelings" for him. but he had this ex, looming in the past, waiting for the right opportunity. and boy, did she.
i had kept telling him that he needed to get his issues with her sorted out before we went down "that road". he kept saying, "you're right, you're right." so they talked last night.
she's 5 months pregnant................
11.30.2006
i am your placebo
this is my new "mood of the moment" song:
Placebo - Ask For Answers
Time to pass you to the test
Hanging on my lover's breath
Always coming second best
Pictures of my lover's chest
Get through this night
There are no second chances
This time I might
To ask the sea for answers
Always falling to the floor
Softer than it was before
Dog boy media whore
It's who the hell you take me for
This time I might
To ask the sea for answers
These bonds are shackle free
Wrapped in lust and lunacy
Tiny touch of jealousy
These bonds are shackle free
Get through this night
There are no second chances
This time I might
To ask the sea for answers
These bonds are shackle free
These bonds are shackle free
These bonds are shackle free
These bonds are shackle free
Get through this, there are no second chances
This time, To ask the sea for answers
me sowwy
wow.
my blog has gotten EXTREMELY boring, since i've had this particular bout with my depression.
i'm really sorry. just bear with me. i'll come back around.
my blog has gotten EXTREMELY boring, since i've had this particular bout with my depression.
i'm really sorry. just bear with me. i'll come back around.
losing self
i've gone from 151lbs to a big, whopping 148lbs. i never would have believed it, but i haven't been under 150 in something like forever. so the diet works. just not fast enough for me, and just not when "flo" is visiting. i'm still going to work on it. i still haven't used my pilates ring, but i'm going to start. and as soon as i can buy the meds for my knee again, maybe i can hop back on the treadmill. i really used to enjoy running, when i was in high school and junior college, but now, just walking up and down stairs is killer for my knee. damn bipartite patella thing.
anyway, what's going on? i'm just really tired. i haven't been going to bed at 9p like i'm supposed to. i've got a lot of stuff on my mind - some good, some bad. overall, it's been a tiring week. tgit, eh buddy? (thank god it's thursday)
plans this weekend...i think i'm supposed to be going to do something with landon (was that this weekend that we talked about?), and i'm pretty sure i'm going to be going out to see my family. amy's birthday was two days ago:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMY!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!
so, hopefully we're going to get to hang out this weekend and have a tiny party. even though i have no money for presents. but that's normal. because i'm lame. i might see if i can swing by one of the shops in homewood, like savage's or something, and get her one of those awesome cakes they make. that stuff tastes like they stuffed a bunch of angels, some clouds, a sprinkle of Heaven and a dash of Jesus into a blender and then, baked it into a cake. but then again, i think i'd love cake if it was....well, without adding in some grotesque imagery, i'm pretty sure you get my drift.
it's boring at work today. i have one kyphoplasty at noon today, and i really like doing those, but then again, i'm a big, giant nerd-face, when it comes to the c-arm and surgery. you get to use two c-arms (i'm already getting chills, just thinking about it), and you have to come in at two different angles over the bed. then you keep one in the AP position and turn the other one to the lateral position, and you stay poised that way for the whole case. anyone who already does x-ray is probably like, "god, what a FREAK OF NATURE." well, you're right.
i was asked yesterday, by "someone," if i would like to come work in their office, when their practice gets started. they want me to take all the diagnostic films (which blows), but also come and do all their c-arm stuff in surgery (which rawks). i said, "as long as the money's right, and you take care of me, i'll do whatever you want me to do...within reason." much laughter ensued, along with some racy comments, but only one of us was kidding. i'm no longer sure which of us that was. and i don't want to mention names, to save face from embarrassment. needless to say, it's nice to know that someone recognizes my talents. well, dr gould does. i always make him tell me how much he loves me before i get started. it makes everyone else gag, but it makes me laugh. if he were any more good-looking than he already is *cough cough*, people would be accusing us of having an affair, since there's always got to be some gossip going around.
it's just that people down there always have to cop an attitude and tell each other "how it's gonna be." you know, i think the reason they like me is because i just go in there and work. i do whatever they ask me to do, no matter how ridiculous it may sound. they're like, "can you do...?," and i'm always like, "i'll attempt to do whatever you tell me to, and if i can't do it, i'll find a way." rarely does anyone ever acknowledge my efforts, but when they do, it's like being nominated for the nobel peace prize. i'm easily pleased. just a pat on the back makes me want to hump the wall. ok, not really. it just makes me smile. so, i go around patting everyone on the back - one day, i'm going to get slapped with a harrassment suit. that would be typical.
"but i was just trying to make him feel good!"
*gasps and general murmuring within the courtroom*
"no, that's not what i meant, you gutterbrains!"
*sigh* it's never been the same since they stopped hugging (and not molesting) kids in kindergarten.
anyway, what's going on? i'm just really tired. i haven't been going to bed at 9p like i'm supposed to. i've got a lot of stuff on my mind - some good, some bad. overall, it's been a tiring week. tgit, eh buddy? (thank god it's thursday)
plans this weekend...i think i'm supposed to be going to do something with landon (was that this weekend that we talked about?), and i'm pretty sure i'm going to be going out to see my family. amy's birthday was two days ago:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMY!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!
so, hopefully we're going to get to hang out this weekend and have a tiny party. even though i have no money for presents. but that's normal. because i'm lame. i might see if i can swing by one of the shops in homewood, like savage's or something, and get her one of those awesome cakes they make. that stuff tastes like they stuffed a bunch of angels, some clouds, a sprinkle of Heaven and a dash of Jesus into a blender and then, baked it into a cake. but then again, i think i'd love cake if it was....well, without adding in some grotesque imagery, i'm pretty sure you get my drift.
it's boring at work today. i have one kyphoplasty at noon today, and i really like doing those, but then again, i'm a big, giant nerd-face, when it comes to the c-arm and surgery. you get to use two c-arms (i'm already getting chills, just thinking about it), and you have to come in at two different angles over the bed. then you keep one in the AP position and turn the other one to the lateral position, and you stay poised that way for the whole case. anyone who already does x-ray is probably like, "god, what a FREAK OF NATURE." well, you're right.
i was asked yesterday, by "someone," if i would like to come work in their office, when their practice gets started. they want me to take all the diagnostic films (which blows), but also come and do all their c-arm stuff in surgery (which rawks). i said, "as long as the money's right, and you take care of me, i'll do whatever you want me to do...within reason." much laughter ensued, along with some racy comments, but only one of us was kidding. i'm no longer sure which of us that was. and i don't want to mention names, to save face from embarrassment. needless to say, it's nice to know that someone recognizes my talents. well, dr gould does. i always make him tell me how much he loves me before i get started. it makes everyone else gag, but it makes me laugh. if he were any more good-looking than he already is *cough cough*, people would be accusing us of having an affair, since there's always got to be some gossip going around.
it's just that people down there always have to cop an attitude and tell each other "how it's gonna be." you know, i think the reason they like me is because i just go in there and work. i do whatever they ask me to do, no matter how ridiculous it may sound. they're like, "can you do...?," and i'm always like, "i'll attempt to do whatever you tell me to, and if i can't do it, i'll find a way." rarely does anyone ever acknowledge my efforts, but when they do, it's like being nominated for the nobel peace prize. i'm easily pleased. just a pat on the back makes me want to hump the wall. ok, not really. it just makes me smile. so, i go around patting everyone on the back - one day, i'm going to get slapped with a harrassment suit. that would be typical.
"but i was just trying to make him feel good!"
*gasps and general murmuring within the courtroom*
"no, that's not what i meant, you gutterbrains!"
*sigh* it's never been the same since they stopped hugging (and not molesting) kids in kindergarten.
11.28.2006
doctor crushes
just so you know, when you work in the medical field, you get new "doctor crushes" about once a month. it happens, even to the best of us.
i'm totally crushing on this doc. actually, he's a rez. and there's no chance in hell he would ever ask me out - i mean, besides the fact that he's a doc, and i'm not an icu nurse (me & hj already had this conversation), i'm a total 'tard and unable to function normally in public.
i'm sure i'm completely misconstruing his picking on me, but it totally seems like flirting. and it makes me turn 50-hundred shades of RED.
thank God we wear masks in surgery.
i'm totally crushing on this doc. actually, he's a rez. and there's no chance in hell he would ever ask me out - i mean, besides the fact that he's a doc, and i'm not an icu nurse (me & hj already had this conversation), i'm a total 'tard and unable to function normally in public.
i'm sure i'm completely misconstruing his picking on me, but it totally seems like flirting. and it makes me turn 50-hundred shades of RED.
thank God we wear masks in surgery.
eh-day
i'm blogging, i'm blogging, i'm blogging, blogging, blogging.
i'm screwed up my diet today. i had to drink some coffee this morning, because i was falling to sleepy.
we've got several cases downstairs today, but no one's called yet. that always worries me.
plus, i sent x2 a very long letter, and i haven't had a response. that also worries me, although it shouldn't. i'm just...i don't know. i don't like for people to be miffed at me, for ANY reason. no, i don't dig on confrontation, but i like to get things out in the open. i'm all about telling someone i'm wrong...when i am. but since we all know that RARELY happens...
anyway, i'm reading my new favorite serial webcomic (can't remember if i mentioned this already), "questionable content". it's got lots of drama - plus the guy who draws it is really funny, and it's cool to see how dramatically his comic art has changed over the past few years. i adore his lil ipod robot, winslow - he's my favorite character. i don't know if i can post his picture here, so i won't, until i ask first.
ok, back to reading. i'm having a better day than yesterday, but i still feel kinda "eh"-ish. i didn't get great sleep last night, and i don't know why. ricky and i both woke up late this morning. he usually comes in and wakes me up closer to 6a, once he's already ready. but this morning, it was 630a before we left the house. we were severely late today. but you know what i have to say about that? eh.
i'm screwed up my diet today. i had to drink some coffee this morning, because i was falling to sleepy.
we've got several cases downstairs today, but no one's called yet. that always worries me.
plus, i sent x2 a very long letter, and i haven't had a response. that also worries me, although it shouldn't. i'm just...i don't know. i don't like for people to be miffed at me, for ANY reason. no, i don't dig on confrontation, but i like to get things out in the open. i'm all about telling someone i'm wrong...when i am. but since we all know that RARELY happens...
anyway, i'm reading my new favorite serial webcomic (can't remember if i mentioned this already), "questionable content". it's got lots of drama - plus the guy who draws it is really funny, and it's cool to see how dramatically his comic art has changed over the past few years. i adore his lil ipod robot, winslow - he's my favorite character. i don't know if i can post his picture here, so i won't, until i ask first.
ok, back to reading. i'm having a better day than yesterday, but i still feel kinda "eh"-ish. i didn't get great sleep last night, and i don't know why. ricky and i both woke up late this morning. he usually comes in and wakes me up closer to 6a, once he's already ready. but this morning, it was 630a before we left the house. we were severely late today. but you know what i have to say about that? eh.
11.27.2006
diet of stress
ok.
i'm better. still crampy, but better.
"better from what?," you may venture to ask.
it's a harrowing tale of love, hate, adventure, car chases, dead bodies, very few laughs, lots of screaming and a whole ocean of tears.
trust me - it's not your kind of flick.
although, i'm feeling better, after being justifiably angry. i got to talk to heather last night. thank God there's SOMEONE on my side. and i don't mean that kind of "just because she's my bff" on my side. i mean, the real, honest-to-goodness "what the hell are you crying for? you should be PISSED!" kind of on my side. you know me, i'm the first to admit when i'm wrong. but i'll be damned if....ok.
ok.
let's not get into this. not at work. i'm already hurting enough.
heather and i started the 4-day diet this morning. they should call it the "eat a giant head of lettuce and piss yourself dry" diet. because i ate a whole quarter head of lettuce for lunch and have already been to the bathroom 7 (about to be 8) times since i've been awake. i mean, you get to eat other things, but it's not like you have a lot of options. and they tell you WHEN to eat and drink, which is optimal for me. i'm already about ready to throw up...and it's going to be all watery lettuce. because it seems like that's all i've had - water and lettuce.
*sigh* the price we pay for beauty and health.
by the way, the word of the day is "equivocate":
To be deliberately ambiguous or unclear in order to mislead or to avoid committing oneself to anything definite.
which, unequivocally, is my life.
i'm better. still crampy, but better.
"better from what?," you may venture to ask.
it's a harrowing tale of love, hate, adventure, car chases, dead bodies, very few laughs, lots of screaming and a whole ocean of tears.
trust me - it's not your kind of flick.
although, i'm feeling better, after being justifiably angry. i got to talk to heather last night. thank God there's SOMEONE on my side. and i don't mean that kind of "just because she's my bff" on my side. i mean, the real, honest-to-goodness "what the hell are you crying for? you should be PISSED!" kind of on my side. you know me, i'm the first to admit when i'm wrong. but i'll be damned if....ok.
ok.
let's not get into this. not at work. i'm already hurting enough.
heather and i started the 4-day diet this morning. they should call it the "eat a giant head of lettuce and piss yourself dry" diet. because i ate a whole quarter head of lettuce for lunch and have already been to the bathroom 7 (about to be 8) times since i've been awake. i mean, you get to eat other things, but it's not like you have a lot of options. and they tell you WHEN to eat and drink, which is optimal for me. i'm already about ready to throw up...and it's going to be all watery lettuce. because it seems like that's all i've had - water and lettuce.
*sigh* the price we pay for beauty and health.
by the way, the word of the day is "equivocate":
To be deliberately ambiguous or unclear in order to mislead or to avoid committing oneself to anything definite.
which, unequivocally, is my life.
THERE'S A F&$^%^#('G REASON...
WHY EX'S AREN'T NORMALLY FRIENDS.
current mood: pissed off
those of you who CAN accomplish this - KUDOS TO YOU.
right now, i'd like to gouge my eyes out, and not JUST BECAUSE i've been bawling my face off for the past MF'N 4 HOURS and my head is F*$^^#*#%'G killing me, but because i think it would hurt a lot less than having to go through WEIRD SHIT like this.
you know, i've been through that time where you just jump into decisions and feelings all willy-nilly, so i guess i should just stfu. but right now, even though i'm dealing a lot with depression, i consider myself to be in a pretty decent place in my life.
and you know what? I DON'T NEED ANYBODY'S F(*&#$(@'G HELP. i'm doing damn fine on my own. i don't need your f*'g HELP, i don't need your f*'g PERMISSION, i don't need your f*'g MONEY, i don't need to be your f*'g RESPONSIBILITY.
my mom died 7 YEARS AGO. i've been "ON MY OWN" for 7 YEARS. i'm taking care of me. i have people who love me and see to me and will put me in a home for crazy folks when i'm no longer able to function.
and i'll be DAMNED if i'm gonna let some ASS march all over the progress i've made over the past few months, with his blame and pointing fingers and making me think that it's all MY fault! ohhhhhhh no, my friend. i may be a complete drama queen, and i acknowledge the fact that i'm crazy, but i wasn't born yesterday.
you know, i HAVE perfectly solid friendships, and some of them have been through hell and high waters, and they've definitely stood the test of time, but i've NEVER....
***OMFG****
i am SO INCREDIBLY INDIGNANT right now, you have NOOOOOO IDEA.
and it TOTALLY is NOT helping that i am PMS'ING like a woman with 14 ovaries, i shit you not.
this is fucking ridiculous - i'm going to bed. FUCK THIS!!!!!!!
*stomps off*
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