A positive, overly-dramatic, codependent, ESTP...and you are?

I just got my blood donor card in the mail. For the first time in my 29 years of life, I now know that I am:

A Positive

This means I can donate to:

• A Positive
• AB Positive

And I can receive:

• A Positive
• A Negative
• O Positive
• O Negative

According to the Red Cross website (http://www.givelife2.org/aboutblood/bloodtypes.asp), my blood type is the second most common in caucasians.

Here are some other interesting blood facts:

• Positive blood can receive Positive or Negative blood.
• You have to match type A with A and B with B.
• O is neutral, so it can be donated to anyone.
• AB+ can receive any kind of blood, it is a Universal Receiver.
• O- can be donated to anyone, it is a Universal Donor.

Also, I assume that because I received the card in the mail, that my blood was in no way tainted. Not that I thought it was - it's just one of those things that can make you hold your breath for a minute.

Just thought I'd put it here, because I know in less than 13 hours, I will have forgotten. Also, I think it's cool because I have a card.

"It's ok! I'm a blood donor! A+!"

Also, just to mark this momentous occasion, I went to the doc today, and they hooked me up with the TROM brace. My knee still feels like a tiny noodle kitty leg or something. But I did make it out to the mailbox in my brace and only one crutch, so that's pretty awesome. It took for-freaking-ever, but I did it. And, I only tripped once. As for inside the apartment, well...that's another story...land mines everywhere. I've only nearly killed myself, falling over these damn crutches, at least 3 times a day. Plus, no matter where I prop them, the earth has an extremely strong gravitational pull on them. Otherwise, my head has a magnet in it.

Ok, I just attempted to raise my leg, to straighten it out, like I've been doing all day, since I've had this ridiculous thing on, and I actually made a noise...out of my mouth. Not my knee. So, I better go take some drugs. I'm having to actively switch positions to get comfortable, and that's not a good sign.

Will update more soon. Still no pics - soon, though.

Regina Spektor - Fidelity

This is so frustrating to me, hearing this great stuff, knowing only that there's more out there just like it...or better.

If you've ever been in love or ever been me, you'll totally understand this song. Plus, the music is incredibly simple, but so fitting. The video is just as beautiful.

Regina Spektor - Fidelity

(Shake it up)

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind, all of these voices
I hear in my mind, all of these words
I hear in my mind, all this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
Well, it breaks my heart

And suppose I never, ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never, ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never, ever saw you
Suppose you never, ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall

All my friends say that of course it's gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind, all of these voices
I hear in my mind, all of these words
I hear in my mind, all this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart

I hear in my mind, all of these voices
I hear in my mind, all of these words
I hear in my mind, all of this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart

Breaks my heart
Breaks my heart

Lots of things break my heart. I'm an emotional person. Always have been - always will be.

What breaks my heart is that I can't always be who I want to be. I can't take back the horrible things I've done. I'm forced to live with guilt of which I can't let go. Why is that? Even now, my stomach is in knots, thinking about being in the arms of the person that I love, despite our differences. How much do you have to push? How much should you give up? How many roads should a person travel? At what point do you stop being yourself and just become an extension of someone else?

Does any of this even matter as long as you're happy?

Leaving home, again

Okey doke. Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm headed out to my grandmother's house, to let her take care of me for a bit. I managed to, in a fit of drug-induced, pain-free rage clean my house last night, or at least pick up everything that I had messed up when I got home, stopped feeling well, and stopped using garbage cans.

I feel ok, now, but I'm still having some of those weird stomach pains from last night. I just have to be really careful about what I take, when and with what. See, I haven't really talked a lot about my visits, because I can't stand to sit in this chair for extended amounts of time. And, I'm still not going to do it. But the ER doc from last night, Dr. Bowen, gave me this stuff that I can take every 8 hrs, called Levsin, and apparently that's what's helping with my severe stomach spasms. I've still got 2 hours till I can take it next, and believe you me, I'm counting them down.

This stuff is so bad, it gets in my arms and stuff, and it feels almost like I'm having a heart attack. And to those of you who automatically google the terms "drama queen" and "hypochondriac" when I say that, screw you. This shit hurts so badly, that's why I started panicking so much yesterday, when it WOULDN'T STOP. It's all up under my rib cage, it makes me nauseated, it runs around to my back and into my arms. So bite me. I didn't MAKE it do this. It just hurts like hell, and there's nothing I can do to control it. This is the first time I've ever felt anything like this. I have reflux, and I know exactly what that feels like, and this is NOTHING like reflux. It's like 5000x worse.

I almost wish they would have kept me in the hospital, because I don't know how long this is supposed to last, or if this is just some new, undiscovered, latent disease trying to stay dormant for my 30th birthday. Frigging goodie. And for me to WANT to stay in the hospital...that's a pretty big deal. It just gets so bad, and I can't control it, can't make it stop, can't turn it down, and it just burns and hurts and sears my insides. At least when they'd give me that dilaudid, the med would hit me almost immediately and squelch that burning sensation.

I guess hell has changed it's address. Now all bad people go to my stomach.

Ok, I have to go pack. I don't know how long I'm going to be out there, but I'm really terrified to be away from the hospital. At least I have this magic medicine - the Levsin. I don't have to pack big, though. It's not like I've been changing clothes or bathing or anything. *sigh* But I have my recheck on Wednesday, which I'm totally stoked about. As it turns out, I'm pretty sure he's going to have to put me in rehab, because my leg no longer functions of it's own volition. It just sort of dangles there, looking stupid. I can walk without my crutch, and I try to sometimes, because I don't want it to be completely useless when it turns out I'm actually going to need it after all.

All this for a damn kneecap. Just so you know, I told him to take the whole stupid thing out. He just kept mumbling something about "important" and "functions as a fulcrum," yadda, yadda, yadda - you know how doctors are.

Kiss my drama-queen ass

Another quickie -

Ended up in the ER late this afternoon with the worst stomach pains imaginable. I'm out now, though, and I'm feeling world's better.

I'll try to update all this soon. Can't stay in my chair right now, though - dilaudid making everything blurry.

Lortab reporting

Brief post -

I had my surgery. I've been spending the last days, recouping at various houses, but I'm home now.

As for this very second, I'm in some killer-ass pain. I was kicking, when I first got out of the hospital, but now, the high has worn off, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to die.

I just need to thank my aunt for doing all that she's done for me this week. She's driven to Birmingham every single day this week, just to help me out, and I can't thank her enough! And thanks to the kids for coming over and entertaining me and taking care of me while I was down. It seems like I've only gotten worse, but I'm just not used to not being able to get around on my own. That, and I'm still in this straight-leg brace for another 5 days. And I need a shower.

Right now, I'm just going to let the lortab do the work, and I'm laying down. I'm freaking exhausted from recovering...

Ps. I just had my first post-surgical depression breakdown. Jammy hooked one of her claws into the hip where I had surgery. OMFG. If I don't die from cat-scratch, I may drown from my own tears. Just in case you didn't get me the first time, I'm fucking hurting.

Post-Operative Thanks

Post-surgical greetings to everyone! I'm fully and completely under the influence of lortab, delaudid, morphine and percocet, so I shouldn't be expected to make any important decisions for the next couple of weeks.

Just a very brief update to let you know that I did make it through surgery. In fact, everyone kept commenting on how pleasant I was, and when I woke up in recovery, I was laughing, joking, smiling and hugging everyone! Unfortunately, I can't remember much past them wheeling me into the OR. Apparently, I called Heather several times to let her know that I was ok. And my boss. And some other people. And to those of you who have received repeated affirming conversations, I am sorry.

As for the stay in my hospital, that left A LOT to be desired, but I'll go into full detail about that later. I'm about to get a DUI by Shelby, though, if I don't go upstairs and go to bed soon. Stay tuned, though, because we have some really disgusting pictures to take. Unfortunately, I don't think anyone heeded my request to take pictures during my surgery, which is a disappointment to me. But no one really gets the fact that we're that whole "we take pictures of EVERYTHING" kind of family. I mean, for krab's sake, I posted a picture of the underwear I was wearing to surgery.

But also, I'd like to mention that I have several HUNDRED of people to thank. My family, of course, for being here for me, and just hanging out and making me feel better. This includes Amy, Mark, Shelby, Austin, Braxton and Erica. My aunt Diane even brought my grandmother, my cousin Katy, and her son Micah, to see me after surgery yesterday. That was a pleasant surprise.

Of course, I have to thank Heather for letting us close in and take over her house while she's gone. I know she feels terrible for not being here, but just the fact that she's offering her house, so we won't have to stay at my crappy apartment...well, SHE knows what that means to me, so that's good enough. Plus, I know she's going to totally dote over me when she gets back, so I'm looking forward to that! LMAO! I love you so much, HJ!

My friend Honey Lee Longgrear has also played a huge part in my recovery process. Not only did she offer me up at church to be prayed over, but she's visited me both days, has called to check up on me, and even brought me a present today! She has a lot going on in her own life, since she's about to get married. So, for her to use her time to visit me and make sure I'm well taken care of means more than I can even properly express.

And of course, thank you to all the people who have called me or stopped by to visit. If I miss a name, PLEASE know that I can't even remember if I went to the restroom 5 minutes ago:

Lynn Kilgore, Chris Cumbest, Stella Daniell, Terri Bayles, Carolyn Johnson, Martha Martin, Kristi Weathers, Sheryl Sheppard, Danny Cope, Donna Martin, Paula Buchanan, Paul Watkins...ohhhh crap, see? I already know I'm leaving a WHOLE bunch of people out. I'M SORRY, PEOPLE!!!!!

I do have to set aside a special thanks to my OR team - Marti Reece worked my case, Wendy Davis circulated my room, and Gary Powell was my CRNA, and he did a hell of a job. Chris Johnson helped Dr. James Stannard, and just so you know, even though I'm bruised from ankle to hip, they did a great job, especially closing. ALL my stitches are internal, and it looks fabulous. The scar on my knee is about as long as your middle finger, and the one of my hip is about half that size. Seth Rosenzweig, my discharging resident, said the bruising on my hip is a little more than usual and looks like it was developing a good-size hematoma, but to keep an eye on it, and if it gets any bigger, I'm to come back in.

As for the hospital experience itself, well...THAT left a LOT to be desired, but I'll touch on that later. It's a little after 2a, and I've taken my second dose of loritab, so I really need to lay down and work that ice again. It actually feels good, because like I told the kids, my hip aches, but it feels like someone's built a tiny campfire on my kneecap. It's to be expected, though. All-in-all, having just been through somewhat major surgery, I feel FANTASTIC!!!! I'm so glad it's over with, and I wasn't the least bit nervous. I knew that God would take care of me, and I knew that all my people were professional and intelligent enough to do the right things to take special care of me, and I really appreciate that. My OR experience was phenomenal, and I'm so lucky to work with such a great group of people!

Thank you to everyone!!!!!! I appreciate every, single one of you, and have given you all special thought. Thank you so much for being there for me when I needed you! I hope I can exceed everyone's expectations from now on as an exemplary employee, as well as a friend to those who need me.

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stay tuned for really gross pics, a much more detailed description of my overnight visit to my hospital, and why I'll probably never go back...

Sayonara, folks!

Alrighty, this is about as clean as I've ever been in my life.

I'm getting ready to lay down, but we're getting up about 430a, to head to the horsepital. My family is here, and we've had fun just bumming around on my last day...alive.

Just kidding. I'm ok. I'm not even worried. I AM a little keyed up, so I had to take some benadryl to make me sleepy. Just waiting for that to kick in. But me and the boys are about to go lay down in the living room and watch tv. The girls are sleeping in the downstairs, and Mark and Amy are sleeping in Heather and Lee's room. Heather called just a few minutes ago to wish me luck and let me know that they're all settled in at the townhouse in St. Simon's. I MISS HER ALREADY!!!

Ok, so this is my last post with "bug knee." The next time I talk to you guys, I will have a real knee!!! I'm so frigging excited. This is a pivotal point in my life, so I'm really looking forward to the change it's going to bring, physically.

As usual, everything else requires tons of constant surveillance.

Oh, well.

Scalpel....

Pre-Pre-Op Activities

Yay! I had an ok day today! Unfortunately, it was the last time I'm going to see Heather for a WEEK! &=(

It was totally boring this morning - I slept all morning long, after letting the girls out on the balcony. I sort of did some thing around here, but hell, who am I kidding? I'm not pushing myself. My meds are all effed because of finances and crap, but I'm actually not in the hole this paycheck. I had backed out of my pedicure this morning, because I knew it wouldn't be a good idea with my money as tight as it is.

Anyway, Heather IM'd me later in the day and asked how I was doing, if I was nervous, and kept apologizing about not being there on Monday. We started talking, and she said when Lee got back with Grant, she would come get me, and we'd go get manicures and pedicures! I know she feels bad because she's not going to be here, so I begged her not to do this to soothe her conscience, because I really am ok. I'm not even worried, because I know every, single person who works in surgery, pre-op, recovery, anesthesia, etc.

So, she came and picked me up, and we went to the Galleria and went to the "Nail Shop" in there. I was horribly embarrassed though, because I haven't shaved my legs for, like, two weeks, and I'm not going to until tomorrow night. If I shave often, it makes my legs all stubbly and razor-burned and stuff. So, apparently I'd rather go out in public with hairy legs. Blech. The little Vietnamese lady doing my pedi tried to make me feel better by pulling up her pants and showing me HER hairy legs. I still didn't feel any better, sitting next to the tan, svelte, rich lady. The bottoms of my jeans were soaked when I got done - oh well. So, I've got french manicures on my fingers and toes! I look like a GIRL!!! &=D

I have the worst extremities ever, but I'm posting these anyway...

When we were leaving, I made Heather stop in JC Penney with me, so I could get some new underwears - I mean, your mom teaches you that, right? To always wear clean underwear in cause you're in an accident. Or nude at work. So, I got some black frilly stuff with pink cherries! &=) If anyone sees under my anything, I want to make sure it matches. In fact, I'm gonna take a picture of it.

Yay! Cute!

Ok, that was totally unnecessary. I'm just the most non-matching underwear person ever. I'm always excited to get new stuff. Monday's going to be even better, cause I'm getting a new knee! Well, not a new knee. Just a souped-up knee. "Pimp My Knee"

It's almost 10p. I might lay down for a bit, then go to Wal-Mart later. I really loathe that place, so it's always a toss up between going when there's a billion people or going when all the freaks are there.

Either way, you never win. Unfortunately, "big business" does.

<>to you<>

All I ever wanted was to get married and have a family.

I still don't understand so many things...




Here's to what we were -

I only wish you remembered and believed...

Arrrr! Scurgery...

Surgery hath been decided upon.

"Open reduction and internal fixation of right patella, with bone graft taken from right hip."

He's going to ream the inner, proximal end of my femur/hip with the Synthes reamer-irrigator-aspirator (RIA) and take the juicy bone graft from there. Then, he's going to scrape off the recalcification on the insides of the two broken pieces of my patella, put the bone graft between the two pieces, then use three tension screws to mush it all together.

I can't believe I've agreed for him to use the RIA. I watch them just dig the sh** out of peoples' legs with this thing on a daily basis, and it's a TAD INTIMIDATING!!!, especially if you actually know what's happening, but it's hellacool how it works. Overall, it's decidedly less painful than taking a graft from my pelvis, although a bit more involved than just screwing the two broken pieces together. He said if he were just screwing the two pieces of "already healed" bone together, it would take slightly longer to heal, than if he adds the graft.

Here's what the RIA looks like:

It's actually killer-cool to see it in action, if you had a percentage of my nerdiness and enjoyed this kind of stuff.

This was a grant that was awarded this year, so that makes me feel a little better:

James Stannard (Surgery) The Use of the Reamer-Irrigator-Aspirator (RIA) to Harvest Bone Graft for Treatment of Nonunions and Fractures Synthes USA $40,310, 2/1/2007-1/31/2009

http://main.uab.edu/show.asp?durki=105929

Anyway, I got all my pre-op done today, so I'm lined up and ready to go for Monday. At 5:30. In the morning. I really think I will stay overnight at the hospital. *rolls eyes* I might see if Amy and Shelb will stay the night at my house on Sunday. I'm just a little shaky, but it will all pass once that ativan hits my veins.

I told him that I put in for 4 weeks off work, but he said depending on how I do, I could come back in as little as 2 with a knee immobilizer on; or as people around here like to say it, "immobulizer". That's actually better than I expected! I'm really hoping he'll put me in one of those TROM (total range of motion) ones, so I'm able to get around easier. Those straight ones are hell.

But he said since the fracture/whatever was vertical instead of horizontal, he's not incredibly worried about me fugging that up. If it was horizontal, he would make me be non-weightbearing for some extended period of time. And, all I have to say to say to that is *phew*!

I asked him WHY it was hurting, and he said that on a minimally displaced fracture (or whatever) like this, the two pieces are scrubbing together, and the scrubbing is what causes the pain. That explains why it only hurts when I move it around, but not when I keep it still. I just always sort of assumed the patella was like some giant sesamoid, floating out in the middle of your leg. It's only since this that I realize what an incredible PAIN IN THE KNEE it can be. Thankfully, he doesn't see a reason to scope or do any extra hanging around in there.

Here's a bipartite patella, btw. My fracture-piece-whatever is almost a third of my patella, though. If I had a frigging scanner, I could scan my xray, but *pft*:

He started apologizing about how there was no other way to go about this other than taking a straight approach, and that he promised that he would use good closing techniques, so I wouldn't have a horrible scar. I laughed and said, "Dr. Stannard, I promise you, a scar is the least of my worries!"

Although, now that I think about it, I think I may see if he can make it in the shape of a lightning bolt....

people thinking out loud makes me psychotic

Every part of my body is tied in to the other part. When I get tired, I get really bad headaches. When I'm off my meds, I want to tear peoples' heads off. Right now, I'm trying to find an apartment, and my tummy has the makings of some killer diarrhea. Like you wanted to know that, but meh.

Everyone I've called so far has told me that since my lease is up July 23rd, to wait until the middle of June to start calling around, to see what's available. You know, I'm not incredibly good at this when it comes down to the wire.

I'm definitely going to find a place closer to work, somewhere in the Southside/Highlands area. I'm hoping to somehow luckily stumble across one of those older houses that have been made into apartments. Most of the ones that I've seen have been outrageous - but of course, those are the kind I'm looking for. I need something under $500, with W/D connections. What I WANT is a totally different story. But if I can have this place until I can get my money under wraps, I think I'll be cool.

That's probably what I'm going to end up doing while I'm laid up, recouping. Or I could just post on Craig's List - "Chick with broke leg seeks cheap apartment - hardwoods optional."

Orrrrr not. That sounds like some sick fetish ad or something.

OMFGBLAH! My body seems like it's trying SO hard to get me worked up into a frenzy, but I'm fighting it. It's that kind of impending panic attack I can see drifting towards me, like a rain cloud on the horizon. At least I get paid this week, which might get me out of the hole enough to pay rent. As far as I'm concerned, the fact that I'm eating mac-n-cheese every night is like living the high life. Course, I did drink someone's rank milk at work today, because my milk had not yet thawed and I have no money.

Just so you know, I'm never looking for handouts. This is just one of the few activities I do enjoy - chronicling my blundering and maladroit transition into real adulthood. I hope to look back on it one day and be able to laugh. For some reason, though, I'm doubting I'll ever have the opportunity to do any laughing at my own misfortune.

It's ok, though. I have up days and down days. This day is sorta like, "I'd rather be running through the halls carrying a severed head." There's nothing to do, so that makes me crazy. Chris isn't here, so other people are in charge and THAT usually entitles people to literally talk too much, and THAT makes me crazy. Also, I've changed to taking my meds at night instead of in the morning, so I'm wondering if that was a wise choice at this juncture. Ah, I don't really care. Right now.

If I can just manage to stave off this effing panic attack till the end of the day, I can go crazy-go-nuts. I'm also having some, eh, dilemmas within my own mind. Some possibly life-altering decisions that I can't quite get help on. (and NO, I'm not going to have gender reassignment surgery...sickos.) I'm just having that whole 'I can't stop effing my life up' thing. *phew* I can't think about that right now. I'm too keyed up as it is with this apartment business. But, I'll just do what I have to do - start calling mid-June. If I get something, I get it - if I don't, I'll, um, live at the hospital.

Hey, at least I'll never be late for work. "Yeah, I was here on time...I was just in the shower."

Tool

Paula, Heather and I just got back from seeing Tool perform at Oak Mountain, and - WOW. It's going to take me some time to come up with the right words to describe it.

I've always heard that you'll never be disappointed when attending a Tool concert, and they were right. I have to say that, aside from SOAD, who is dear to my heart, this was THE best concert I've ever been to. I absolutely couldn't get enough of their enigmatic and transcendental performances. Each song seemed to stretch on forever, and it just made me feel so alive, but relaxed and filtered at the same time. The power of the bass was phenomenal, and even though the outside setting was gorgeous, the sight of them playing against the dark, starless sky (could have been a more pleasant background without seeing Hooters looming in the distance), I think it could have been far more absorbing indoors.

It's like I told Heather, people underestimate the power of an awesome rock show. I mean, I don't know how many other people can appreciate stuff like this, like I do. But this show was absolutely unreal. This band has been around since 1990, and they have a style and sound that's virtually impossible to imitate. Plus, they're rich enough that they can afford the special effects, so that doesn't hurt.

They had the four digital projector screens behind the band, as well as on either sides of the stage, playing various images and scenes from their videos. They had these three awesome light halos over the stage that floated around and did all kinds of special light sequencing. The stage was usually lit in blues, greens and purples, casting dark shadows over the musicians' faces, so the band remained in it's obscure element. That always worries me about these bands that I like to think of as "untouchable" - how can they pull something off like this, in a public place. But they did it beautifully.

They poured smoke out, then proceeded to put on a lightshow that, I'm sure, made the LSD'ers go into cardiac arrest. The bright green lasers would blast out from the stage, and as they reached us up in the third tier, they had dissolved into light green gossamer strands that looked as though you could reach right up and pluck one out of the sky. Then, the lasers would split open and reveal this amazing diaphanous expanse - honestly, it was hard for me to keep my hands out of the sky. I wanted so badly to reach up and put my hand through it, possibly to feel the emotion that was a part of the music they were playing. I was a tad envious of the people closer up.

I still remember the first time I saw Maynard perform with A Perfect Circle, at Boutwell. He remained in the back of the stage, on a platform, in this diffused light. You can tell when he performs, he's in his own world.

God, to be a rock star.

Ji coming home!

OHHHH!!!!! I'm SOOO excited!!!!

We have a new baby!!!!!!

My aunt Sabrina's sister and husband, Cressie and Grinell are in China right now, finishing up the adoption process with their new baby girl! Her name is Ji Xia Lee Smith, and she is SOOOOO beautiful! They'll be in China until June 3, then they'll fly home to California, but they're supposed to be coming out here this summer to visit!

Here's what Sab said:

Hey Everybody!!

I hope y'all get this email, cause it has the first pictures Cres and Grinell took of the baby Ji!

She is so cute!! Can't wait to meet her myself!

They are in China til the 3rd of June. Then back to California where Greg and I will be there waiting for them to get off the plane.

So exciting!!

Crescent says she is a wonderful baby - takes two naps a day, bed by 8:30 or so and sleeps thru the night. She eats well, likes fishies to eat, doesn't like reconstituted rice cereal. She doesnt cry much and laughs and sings and coos a lot. She really sounds like a sweetheart. She loves to be held and can walk but doesn't like to. She is 15 months old and has 3 teeth.

So here's to Ji Xia Lee Smith and her parents!! Can't wait to see them all!! Hopefully we will be coming to Alabama this summer to see everyone. We'll know more after they get Ji home to the Dr. to schedule her cleft palate surgery.

Love y'all,

Sab

I'm waiting to see if Cres says it's ok for me to post some of the pics of Ji. She's soooo sweet, and I can't WAIT to meet her!

WOOOO!!!! Come home, Baby Ji!

beating up office furniture

I was reading one of those random questionnaires the other day, and one of the questions was, "How do you deal with anger?" I thought that was an interesting question, so I had to sorta think about it.

*thinking*

This is how I deal with anger:

I have to grab onto a stationary object and violently shake myself back and forth (this is usually accompanied by some for of growling or cursing).

One time, while I was at work, and I effed up an important film, I grabbed onto one of our counters, which have drawers underneath, and I went to do "my thing." I pitched backwards, flung the drawer out, and landed flat on my back, with the drawer on top of me.

People ask me why I have so many bruises. I've just started giving the same response - I'm an idiot.

**********************

I went to see the doc yesterday, for my checkup from falling out, and he said everything's fine. I asked him about the mumur that the other chick mentioned, and he said it was possible but obviously wasn't creating any type of problem. He even said I have the best blood pressure of all his patients, so that was nice to hear.

Oh, fo'shizzle, what else was I going to say? Oh yeah. When I came back, I got to go back in Dr. Gould's room, the surgeon whose room I was in when I passed out. Of course, everyone's been really nice and accomodating and looking at me all goggly-eyed and screaming out at inappropriate times "OMG! U'R NOT PREGGERS, R U??!LOLZZ!!1!1!!" Just like that. In "LOL-Kitteh" language. So, when I was on my way back in there, his nurse pulled me aside:

"I just wanted to tell you, before you hear it in the wrong context,"
*curious glance*
"Dr. Gould was really concerned about you..."
*holding breath, narrowing eyes*
"and after he heard you were feeling better, he told me that I needed to go find you and get you back in the room!"
*still holding breath at this point, starting to sweat*
"I told him that you were going to have to take the rest of the day off, because you just fainted! He said no, that we had to get you back, because you're exemplary and you're the only one who knows how to do everything he wants in his cases! He just kept saying, 'She's the best tech there is!'"
*massive exhalation*
"I just wanted to let you know that he was concerned about you - he just wanted you to come back because you're so good, and we had such a hell of a day ahead of us!"

*blushing* &=D I love being loved and appreciated!

I told her I kept begging them to let me just go back to work, but they wouldn't let me. So, I had to go around and find everyone and apologize. I hate letting people down...ever. Scott, the rez in my room, who was doing the actual surgery when it happened, found me and was like, "OMG! Are you ok???" I kept apologizing, and he was like, "No! Don't apologize! I was just so worried about you!" I said, "Well, as they were wheeling me out on the stretcher, I was crying and yelling out, 'TELL SCOTT I'M SORRY!!!' like the town drunk." Then as I was coming in for the case, Scott kept trying to help me push the c-arm in. I was like, "Dude. I'm ok. R-E-A-L-L-Y."

The way they treated me on Monday, I can't believe no one brought me a pacie [pass-ee] (pacifier) and some new diapers. What an ordeal! Next time I'm just going to tell them I did it on purpose.

"I totally MEANT to sit in the sharps container! I'm building up my immunities while at rest!...What do you mean it doesn't work? That's what that homeless man, with the needle in his arm, at the bus station said!"

Ok, I haffa pee.
Everyone is naming their top 10 movies. I don't know what mine are, but here's what I've said so far:

Meet Joe Black
Titus
Emperor's New Groove
Army of Darkness
Office Space

I'll have to keep thinking about this one. I know I'm leaving some out.

Barlow Girl & thoughts on depression

So, this is my kick right now - delving into song lyrics, describing what certain songs mean to me - deal. I was chatting with a friend the other day, and he said he wants to incorporate some of my, um, statements, I guess? into music. Which I think is totally...strange. And flattering! But, I mean, this whole blog is basically stream-of-consciousness. The stuff that comes out is normally what I'm thinking at a particular point in time, due to how I feel surrounding certain circumstances. It's normally about my health or depression, since those are the two strongest factors in my life right now, but it can be about anything.

Ok, to the song. This group is a Christian chick group, and I don't normally dig regular Christian music, for some reason, but this group is actually ok. How did I find them? Oh yeah, one night while I was driving back from "somewhere," perusing the stereo for something to listen to, I heard this song, and I started crying so hard, I actually had to pull over on the side of the road to give myself time to regroup. AGAIN, I apologize for any stereotypical or proverbial stuff you've heard before. But this IS my blag. What are you doing on the computer this time of the day anyway?

Sorry - anyway, this song is exactly what happened to me when my depression dealt it's final, controlling blow in my life. I just walked out. And, I remember regretting it even before I did it. I even remember how the ground felt under my fingers. I remember everything about that day. It's one thing I've always wished, for the sake of my sanity, I could forget.

Barlow Girl - She Walked Away

She couldn't take one more day
Home was more her prison now
Independence called out
She had to get it

A fight was all she needed
To give her reason
She slammed the door with no goodbye
And knew that it was time

Now she's driving too fast
She didn't care to glance behind
And through her tears she laughed
It's time to kiss the past goodbye

I'm finally on my own
Don't try to tell me no
There's so much more for me
Just watch what I will be

She walked away
Couldn't say why she was leaving
She walked away
She left all she had believed in
She walked away

Not a day goes by
For the one she's left behind
They're always asking why
And thoughts of her consume their mind

God please let her know
The love we tried to show
We'd promise anything
If you'd just bring her home

Tell her we love her
Tell her she's wanted
One more thing God
Tell her please come home
Please come home

The choice is yours alone now
Tell me how this story ends


I know people like to think they can relate to me and say they know where I'm coming from or understand how I feel, when I talk about my depression. But I try to keep myself from every saying that to anyone - EVER. I can only say I can vaguely relate, or I've felt similar feelings. But, no one can ever experience what YOU yourself are going through when you're going through something as all-consuming and panoptic as your own depression. I can't explain how it makes someone else feel, probably not even myself - it grips every aspect of every thought that enters your mind; it seeps into your bloodstream, inundating every single thing that makes you whole, inside and out; it poisons and distorts every memory you've ever had; the feeling of worthlessness and sadness is so profound, you wonder how people can continue to function, when there's so much that is sad in the world.

Sometimes you become so numb to the pain, so dead to the world around you, you don't think you'll ever feel anything other than absolute sorrow or have another sane thought ever again. Then there are times that the pain is so wracking, you beg and pray for the numbess to come again, plead for it to take over, just so you can stop crying and hurting long enough to take a breath.

There were days where when I'd managed to pass out from sheer exhaustion and crying so much, that I'd wake up and wonder if I'd always felt this way. Was there anything before this? Who was I? And why do people keep loving me, after all I've done and been?

There's a reason that I try to walk on eggshells when trying to describe something as intimidating as depression. Peoples' words and descriptions can come out all wrong and sometimes tend to make it sound so trite. It's all individually appreciated. No one person's experiences are ever the same as another person's. What you might have felt during something such as a tragedy, for instance, will never be the same exact feelings reproduced in another person. You can have similar overall emotions, but your thoughts are determined by who you are, what has shaped you as an individual. Each person's experiences are important to them, but rarely to other people. Not that people don't care, but they care more about the individual as a whole, rather than a single experience.

See, even now, when I try to put it into words, it sounds all wrong. But see, that's part of what's great about being people and having the ability to think for ourselves - we can learn and teach and enlighten. It bugs the crap out of me when others try to force their beliefs on people, but that's a whole different bedtime story, so let's not get into that.

Sorry - I know I've been bombarding my own site with posts. But I have to take it as it comes. It's a lot, but it sure helps put me at ease, when I'm able to get it out of my head, even briefly.

And, now I'm hungry. And, it's freezing as crap in here. And, I've got a hell of a headache, which is nothing new. I've, obviously, got a lot on my mind, and amazingly enough, under all this hair, there isn't enough room in my fat head to store all this stuff neatly. Grrr.... I need some major Ikea for the brain. Mine looks like Donald Duck's brain from that cartoon where he goes to Mathemagic Land. I love that show. And, I hate math.

Hinder - Better Than Me

I really, really, REALLY hate posting cliche music like this, but I have to. This song, although it's EXTREMELY popular, makes me sick every time I hear it. It's that feeling of internal whirling chaos, your insides crying out in desperation for forgiveness, while you're standing there, in front of the person you love more than anyone in the world, motionless and speechless, trying NOT to make any more of an ass as you already have by crying and grovelling in the dirt, as they tell you what they really think of you.

In my life, this has happened to me twice.

*sigh* It sucks when you meet who you really are.

Hinder - Better Than Me

I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed
Where your nightgown used to be
I told myself I won’t miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

While looking through your old box of notes
I found those pictures I took
That you were looking for
If there’s one memory I don’t want to lose
That time at the mall
You and me in the dressing room
I told myself I won’t miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me

The bed I’m lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would’ve said it’s over
And I can’t pretend that I won’t think about you when I’m older
Cause we never really had our closure
This can’t be the end
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
(And I think you should know this)
(You deserve much better than me)

Some songs are better as words. And some musicians were meant to be garbagemen.

Cary Brothers - Ride

Don't ask me why I keep posting music lyrics on here. But, it's my blog, and I can do what I want. I like posting songs and lyrics that I think are totally awesome. I wish I could figure out how to post actual songs without being sued. But anyway, here's more.

This song is one of the most beautifully executed songs I've ever heard. The baleful mourning, yet possibility of hope comes through so well, even though the song is so very short. This is one of those songs that puts that weird feeling in my heart, like I could wander around for hours inside of it and always feel at home. There's no past to it, no blame. It's only explaining that I am who I am and will always be that way, just to accept me, allow me to love, and help me to move on. The ambiguity of this song is so engrossing, how it can apply to just about any aspect of anyone's life. That's something that makes the artistry of music so appealing to me - if you can touch masses of people, even by saying so little, you have real talent. I envy that.

Cary Brothers - Ride

You are everything I wanted
The scars of all I’ll ever know

If I told you you were right
Would you take my hand tonight?
If I told you the reasons why
Would you leave your life and ride?
And ride…

You saw all my pieces broken
This darkness that I could never show

If I told you you were right
Would you take my hand tonight?
If I told you the reasons why
Would you leave your life and ride?
And ride…

Thank you for calling tech support - this is Hermione.

I've tried to hold out. Alas, today, I inconspicuously slipped back into the familiarity and comfort of Mugglenet. (I'm sorry, HJ - I held out for as long as I could!)

Any of you who know me, should already know by now, that I am a Harry Potter fanatic. This feels exactly like AA - "I'm Jennifer, and I'm addicted to Harry Potter." I dress up and go to midnight book parties and movie releases. I would sell Heather out and let you know that she does it with me, but I'm not sure if she wants me mentioning that. So, I won't.

In fact, the last book party we went to (at B&N, last year) was for the Half-Blood Prince, and I went dressed as Bellatrix LeStrange (look her up), and I won the costume competition. How's that for fanatical? *wink* Of course, I'm stressed as crap, because I exhausted the best costume I had for the last book party, won a free copy of the book, so now I don't know who to go as this year. &=( I really wanted to get Quidditch robes, but I don't see myself coming into that kind of money by July. Umm...so, any idears, you guys are more than welcome to pitch them. Just know, if I don't heed it, don't be offended. I DO have a certain "elitist" attitude and dignification I maintain for HP. What I'm saying is, I'm not going to go with a sheet thrown over my head, like Charlie Brown (again, Heather, I'm sorry - lmao).

I also like computers...a lot. I am one of the very few who can actually say I've always had a computer in my home, even if it started out as a Tandy TRS-80. A computer, nonetheless.

All this taken into consideration, I found this on Mugglenet, and felt it appropriate to share, in light of my..."personality." I do hope you can appreciate it:

Top 11 Reasons Harry Would Make a Poor IT Pro

Taken from NetworkComputing

11) Pet owl would attack computer mice and leave deposits on keyboards

10) Wand might misfire at annual meeting, killing shareholders

9) Invisibility cloak would hide him from users, management

8) He'd keep slapping servers and yelling, "Reparium Serviosa!"

7) He'd replace data-center door with portrait of password-hungry fat lady

6) Flame under cauldron would set off fire-suppression system

5) He'd behave too much like a manager, waving his wand and expecting results

4) He'd write all his command-line interfaces in Latin

3) He'd keep trying to link PCs via Floo Network

2) Server-room Quidditch. 'Nuff said

1) Would you leave a whiny teenager with identity issues alone in your data center?

John Mayer - Love Song For No One

John Mayer - Love Song For No One

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

Blue October - Into the Ocean

Blue October - Into the Ocean

I'm just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I'd rather swim ashore

Without a life that's sadly stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like 'fourteen miles away'

You're floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I'm sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I'm cold as cold as cold can be
be

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jets, I'm sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow (yeah)
Just to prove I knew how (yeah)
It's midnight's late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
So thought no end my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all

[Zayra]
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion (yeah)
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(In to space)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(I thought of just your face)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)